Severely Deluded

Scene 4

Hermione was out of the hospital wing, and no one seemed to want to leave her alone, afraid probably that she would run for the razor the moment she had some time to herself. Ron and Harry flanked her in class, at meals, in the hall and in the common room. As soon as Hermione reached the girls' staircase Lavender and Parvati took over, often staying in Hermione's room asking questions about the Transfiguration homework so late that Hermione had to fake yawns and look pointedly at the clock to get them to leave. Arithmancy, Ancient Runes and sleep were the only excuses Hermione had to ditch her self-appointed suicide watch, and finally she had had enough.

"It's been two weeks," Hermione said. "If I wanted to kill myself, I could have done it a dozen times by now."

"Does that mean you don't want to kill yourself anymore?" said Ron.

Trust Ron to be perceptive just when you were counting on his usual obtuseness. "All I needed was some time off and a few Cheering Charms," Hermione said. "Really, I'm much better."

Neither of them looked entirely convinced.

"Keeping me out of the library isn't likely to improve my mood," Hermione hinted.

"Good point."

"Off you go."

Feeling smug, Hermione left for the library to get started on the next phase of her plan.

The disastrous episode of the antidote had been enough to convince Hermione that her attraction to Snape was not the result of a Love Potion, but her hormones' betrayal of all that was logical and comprehensible – a far more insidious situation than she'd first realized. And since she had only limited personal experience with dangerous attractions, she was about to correct that deficit.

Hermione ducked into the Leisure Reading section, feeling vaguely criminal. She wondered if this was how Harry and Ron felt when they came into the library. Small wonder they treated the place like it was the Bloody Baron's bathroom. Hermione stooped down and began looking at titles.

Lady Ellifritz's Lover. The Reluctant Bride. Indecent Proposals. The Imperius Kiss. The Reluctant Groom. They all sounded so awful that Hermione couldn't decide. Although The Imperius Kiss did sound promising.

Twenty minutes later, Hermione emerged with five books tucked under her arm and headed for Madam Pince's desk. This, she knew, was the part most likely to cause her crippling embarrassment.

"Ah, Miss Granger." Madam Pince smiled at her as she reached for the topmost book. "A bit of extracurricular reading, I see."

Hermione made a small noise and went very red. Maybe, she thought, if someone had bothered to teach me about this, I wouldn't be in such a colossal mess.

Madam Pince pushed the books back across the desk. "Enjoy."

I could get hooked on these, Hermione thought. Halfway through The Imperius Kiss, all she wanted in the world was to find out whether Rosalie would choose Chandler or Brentley. Hermione snuggled deeper into her covers and selected another Chocolate Frog.

"Hermione, are you in there?"

Hermione jumped, freeing her Chocolate Frogs, which proceeded to hop into every corner of the room.

"Hermione?"

"Just a minute, my Chocolate Frogs are escaping."

"We can help you out with that."

Reluctantly, Hermione let Lavender and Parvati into the room.

"Just put them back in the tin," Hermione said, sending a Freezing Charm at one that was making a break for the door.

Lavender and Parvati, however clueless they were at transfiguring chairs into chickens, were well versed in the capture of renegade Chocolate Frogs, and within ten minutes all of them were back in the tin (with the exception of the one Parvati was secretly nibbling).

"Thanks, girls," Hermione said, replacing the tin on her desk. "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Harry and Ron sent us," Parvati said.

"To see why you didn't come to dinner," Lavender said.

Shit, thought Hermione. It was quarter to six and dinner had not once occurred to her. Though she had eaten rather a lot of Chocolate Frogs.

"I was reading."

"This?" Lavender reached for the book half hidden under Hermione's covers. Unfortunately the title was covered up, which under Hermione's enchantment read Exhaustive History of Sixteenth Century Goblin Wars. Also unfortunately the enchantment, which was already wearing thin, dissolved entirely and Lavender was left holding The Imperius Kiss.

"Hermione, why on earth are you reading this?"

"I, er, needed a bit of a break."

"Normally, of course, we'd be thrilled that you're learning to appreciate great literature," said Parvati, trying to clean the chocolate off her teeth with her tongue.

"But you told us last year you thought romance novels were worth less than the paper they're printed on," Lavender said, shaking the book at her. "Now, I know people change. But not without a reason."

"We're worried about you," Parvati said.

"And by 'we,' we mean half of Gryffindor," Lavender said. "We can't have our Head Girl going crackers, because that would leave Terry Boot in charge."

"And you know what we think of Terry Boot."

"Which is why you're going to have a chat with McGonagall right now," Lavender said, heading purposefully for the fireplace.

"Oh no you don't," Hermione said, but Lavender had already got hold of the Floo Powder and tossed a pinch into the fireplace.

"Professor McGonagall's office…. Professor, Hermione needs to have a talk with you right now."

And both girls shoved Hermione into the fire.

"What can I do for you, Miss Granger?" said McGonagall. "Do sit down."

Hermione did. "Lavender and Parvati want me to have a talk with you because I skipped dinner to read a romance novel."

"Which one, girls?" McGonagall said to the fireplace.

"The Imperius Kiss," they chorused.

"I must say I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong in reading a good romance," said McGonagall. "Bad romances, on the other hand…. Miss Granger, your behavior in the last few weeks has been increasingly erratic. I'm afraid I must ask you, as your Head of House, if anything is going on which might interfere with your duties as Head Girl."

"Well, I'll tell you," said Hermione. "But only if Lavender and Parvati aren't listening."

Twin frustrated sighs came from the fireplace. "Oh well, we'll worm it out of you sooner or later," said Parvati, then broke the connection.

"I'm listening, Miss Granger."

"Okay." Hermione sighed. "First of all, I did not try to kill myself. I took an antidote to a Love Potion, which I thought I'd drunk but I actually didn't."

McGonagall frowned. "Then what made Severus think you'd attempted suicide?"

"He didn't. He said that so I wouldn't have to explain about the Love Potion. I had gone to him and asked him if I'd drunk a Love Potion."

McGonagall's lips twitched. "Did he think you had?"

"No, but I didn't believe him," Hermione said. "At least, not until I nearly poisoned myself."

"May I ask --"

"No," Hermione said quickly.

"If this will interfere with your duties as Head Girl?"

"I hope not."

McGonagall folded her hands. "Miss Granger, I'd like for you to stop by my office every Friday during my office hours, just to make sure everything is going smoothly."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I, er, don't know if I've ever told you this, but I think very highly of you and I don't want anything to happen to the brightest student in the school."

Hermione tried not to smile too much. "Thank you, ma'am."

"Well, you're free to go." McGonagall indicated the fireplace.

"I think I'd rather walk."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow.

"Lavender and Parvati are probably still in my room."

"I see." McGonagall almost smiled. "Have a good evening, Miss Granger."

Hermione was starting to feel as though she might be hungry sometime soon, so she stopped by the kitchen for a snack. She noticed that she got on much better with house-elves since she'd stopped trying to free them.

Back in the common room, Harry and Ron were sharing a couch in front of the fireplace. At her entrance they both glanced up, worried looks predictably changing to relief mixed with annoyance.

Best to get this over with, Hermione thought, and made her way over to their couch. "Hello, boys."

"What's this I hear about romance novels?" said Ron.

"I see you've been talking to my former roommates," Hermione said dryly, sitting in a nearby armchair.

"Hermione, there's something you're not telling us," Ron said.

"And, as with everything I don't tell you, there's a very good reason why."

"Which is what?"

"I don't want you to know."

"Hermione, this is ridiculous," Ron said. "We're not going to let you do this to yourself."

"Since when is reading a romance novel on a par with going to the Hog's Head and getting blind drunk on imported liquor?"

"This isn't just about your books. You tried to kill yourself."

"I told you, Ronald, I'm perfectly fine now."

"How can you possibly get over something so awful just like that?"

"We're not trying to push you away," Harry said, elbowing Ron in the ribs. "We're just worried about you."

"Doesn't anyone have anything better to do than keep a tally of everything stupid I do?" Hermione snapped, but relented at the looks on the boys' faces. "Sorry, that was uncalled for."

"Damn straight," said Ron.

"I just wish you could trust my judgment, and believe me when I say you really don't want to know," Hermione said. "You'd think you'd have noticed by now that whenever you don't listen to me, I tend to be right."

"You've got a point," Harry conceded.

Hermione gave them each a quick hug. "Thanks. And if there's anything you can do, I'll tell you."

Hermione went up to her room, which was mercifully free of Lavender and Parvati. The Imperius Kiss, however, was missing.

At least she'd thought to hide the others at the bottom of her sock drawer.