Title: Unfairy Tale
By: Kelley
Disclaimer: I just want Spike. Please, let me have Spike! Er, don't tell my boyfriend that part. :-P
Distribution: If you want it, take it. Just let me know first.
Author's Note: I am quite fond of reviews. So, don't be shy. Review away:) It'll make me love you more! Plus, quite inspiring! Please no flames. I'm rather sensitive. And tempermental.
Princess Buffy attempted to remain still while the dressers worked on tying her corset before applying her Fairy Godmother design gown. The princess thanked the heavens she was rather small in the chest area since she was already having difficulty breathing. She tried not to imagine what it would be like to place a corset over the dirty movie harlot her father left the family for. She then thought about it again as the thought of the wench's head exploding as the last of the ribbon was tied together. No respectable woman would partake in a movie entitled Mistress Spanks-a-Lot.
After standing patiently for what seemed like hours, the dress was finally on her body properly. Thus the princess took the opportunity to admire herself in the mirror. She smiled at the dress, rubbing the sides smoothly with the palms of her hands. As normal with fairy-tale princesses, the dress was perfectly fitted to show her curves in all the right places before bellowing out into a beautiful skirt, which took on a shape similar to a bell. It was a beautiful shimmering peach color, and the princess enjoyed the elegance she believed it brought out in her.
Buffy left the room in search for Anya, who had told the princess she would be glad to take care of her hair for the night's events. Buffy gladly agreed since Anya's hair always looked wonderful and magically changed colors almost every other day.
Upon reaching the hall of the servant's quarters, she knocked on Anya's door and immediately opened it without waiting for an answer.
"Anya, I need you to do my…oh my goodness!" She quickly shut the door, wishing to never again see the maid stand over Xander with a French tickler in her hand.
"Be there in a minute!" Anya cried, obviously not bothered by the short interruption.
Buffy managed to squeak a small "okay" before heading back towards her room. She made a quick turn to the study room to ask Giles a quick question, but once she walked in she was wishing for early blindness to come, and screamed. The thought of her mother, the queen, making merry with her mentor on the desk made her sick to her stomach, and her first thought was to run and hide in her room. Instead, she swiftly placed the back of her hand to her forehead and fainted.
Five minutes later…"Maybe it's a spell, and the only way to break the spell would be for someone to kiss her."
"Xander, no!" Anya exclaimed, slapping her boyfriend's upper arm.
Xander cringed and massaged his arm. "It worked with Snow White, did it not?"
The princess opened her eyes to discover Giles had carried her to her room. Everyone was peering down at her.
"What happened?" she asked dramatically.
"Y-you fainted," Giles answered shyly.
"Oh yes. I forgot. Everyone has gotten into the wacky-ensuing magic potions again, I assume."
"I have those locked away quite safely," Willow protested.
"Well, everything seems okay now. I must go and make sure everything is in place before the final preparations are done," the queen said before swiftly exiting the room.
Giles inhaled uncomfortably. "Yes, and I must go and…read some books," he muttered shyly, leaving the room almost as quickly as the queen had.
The older princess sat up so as to remove any wrinkles her fainting spell may have caused in her beautiful gown.
Dawn smirked at her sister. "So, you fainted, huh?"
"Well, it was an appalling sight to behold," Buffy answered.
"Appalling? Behold? You never talk like that, Buffy," Dawn pointed out.
Anya nodded. "The little one does have a point."
Dawn glared at Anya. "I am not little!" She looked at her sister. "So, what's with the fainting?"
"Isn't that what princesses do in times of distress?"
Anya shrugged. "Sure, if they're on one of those overdramatic daytime television shows."
Buffy frowned. "Oh. Well, it seemed royal to me."
Dawn chuckled.
"What?" Buffy asked non-grumpily as it is not in the nature of a good princess to feel any emotion other than happy, sad, distressed or whimsical.
The younger princess pointed at her sister. "You are the worst princess ever."
"Hey!" Buffy cried, but decided not to carry the argument any further upon thinking about Dawn's statement. Instead the princess shrugged her shoulders and nodded in agreement.
"Try not to let it get you down, Buffy," Anya reassured the princess, tapping her sympathetically on the shoulder. "You'll do great."
Princess Buffy smiled at the sincerity of the maid's words. For Anya was a kind maid. At times she spoke rather strangely, but she was a loyal friend. "So, everyone got the preparations complete for the plan tonight?"
Willow, the family's resident witch, albeit pleasant to view witch, snapped her fingers and was immediately in a gown exactly like the one the older princess wore. "A-are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean, what if Giles recognizes me, or your mother? Then what? A-and I can't choose your prince for you. This is going to end badly, I just know it."
"Calm down, Willow. All you have to do is remove the wig and tell them that I requested your presence at the ball tonight," Buffy explained.
"But that's a lie! You know me! I don't lie well…at all. A-and there will be the nervousness, the jitteriness, the babbling. Then what? Tell me!"
Xander placed his hands on the witch's shoulders. "Take a deep, relaxing breath. You're making me nervous, and I know this plan is going to work. Want a Twinkie?"
Willow turned towards her friend and shook her head. "No, thanks."
Buffy smiled. "It's not a lie, Wills. I really did request your presence. And if that's not good enough, then I request your presence at tonight's ball. You have been good to our family, and I feel that you should be rewarded with a good time. There, how was that?"
Anya winked and Okayed Buffy with her fingers. "Perfect. Way to go!"
Willow breathed a little easier. "Okay, I guess since you said it that it can't be a lie, and you told me it was because I was good to the family, and not because you need me to pretend to be you…"
"Willow!" the four in the room hollered in unison.
"Remember," Buffy began. "When they tell you it is time to choose a groom, you simply remove the blonde wig from your head as well as the mask, and tell them they have made a mistake. You do not know where I am, understand?"
Willow nodded. "Okay. I'm with you."
A few hours later…Xander and Anya were put in charge of the drink trays for the masquerade ball. While this was not normal for a fairy-tale family, Queen Joyce ordered that Screwdrivers be passed around amongst the guests of the ball, with the exception of Princess Dawn who had not yet reached the proper drinking age.
A few minutes later, the first royal guest arrived for the major event. Xander and Anya were not so much paying attention to the guest, as they were too busy staring at the three men who were to announce the arrivals for the night. Earlier they had spent an hour and a half arguing over who would do the announcing, and who would simply receive the invitations. Princess Buffy, finally growing tired of their shenanigans, threatened to beat them within an inch of their pathetic lives if they did not come up with a decision soon. They, not wanting to endure the wrath of the princess, took her words to heart and decided they would take turns announcing each guest.
And the first was to arrive was a friend of Dawn's.
"May I have your attention please? We'd like to welcome Lady Janice of Kingdom Reno as our first guest of the night," Master Jonathon informed those who where standing around.
"Yeah, she obviously doesn't understand the term Fashionably Late, does she?" Master Andrew added with self-amusement. Jonathon smacked him on the back of his head, Xander and Anya shook their heads, and everyone else rolled their eyes.
Lady Janice immediately headed in the direction of Xander and Anya.
"Hello there! You're Dawn's friend, aren't you? Well, since you are not of proper drinking age yet, you will not be allowed to enjoy any of these splendid Screwdrivers, but you can choose other non-alcoholic beverages from our fine assortment of chocolate milk and natural spring magic water," Anya told the younger girl.
Janice frowned but promised herself that she would have an alcoholic drink that night no matter what she had to do to get a hold of one.
A matter of moments later, two more guests arrived.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lord Clem and Lady Sophie of Kingdom Doublemeat Palace!" Jonathon exclaimed.
"Yes, you'll recognize Lord Clem from his identifiable skin condition, and who can forget Lady Sophie? She's the one who is allergic to everything on the menu tonight!" Master Warren informed.
Jonathon sighed, smacking his forehead. Andrew slapped the back of Warren's head. Warren punched Andrew in the arm. Andrew flinched away, cradling his arm in pain. Anya and Xander shook their heads, and everyone once again rolled their eyes.
One by one the guests began pouring in one after another.
The room tensed up once Prince Lindsey and Lady Lilah from the nearby Kingdom of Wolfram and Hart entered the place.
"They may appear innocent and attractive, but watch out! They are extremely evil and very untrustworthy!" Andrew exclaimed.
This statement only caused more tension around the room. Lindsey and Lilah sneered evilly because they were evil, but fun evil, not Evil Stepmother evil, Jonathon had pointed out, trying to save all their asses from Master Andrew's royal stupidity.
Lady Janice sought her opportunity. She slowly made her way towards Prince Lindsey in an "I'm-trying-to-be-sexy" kind of way. Once she approached the evil prince, she laughed and batted her eyes at the man. He smiled kindly and bent down to kiss her hand.
"Hello, milady. How are you?"
Janice's smile grew bigger. "Wonderful. I just wanted to introduce myself to you. I am Lady Janice of Kingdom Reno. Perhaps you've heard of it?"
The prince nodded knowingly.
Janice strode up right next to him and leaned towards his ear to whisper seductively. "Would it be too much of a hassle if I asked you to retrieve a Screwdriver for me?"
Lindsey eyed the girl for a few moments. "You do not appear to be of proper drinking age."
Janice shrugged. "I can handle my liquor though."
"Sorry, kiddo. I could never allow myself to endanger one who is not of proper drinking age by sneaking over an alcoholic beverage."
The lady pouted. "But you're evil!" she whined.
Lindsey shook his head up and down. "That may be, but I've always had a soft spot for children."
Janice gaped. "Are you serious?"
Lindsey sighed. " 'Fraid so, little lady."
"Fine. Apparently you're only semi-evil. Quasi-evil. The margarine of evil. The diet coke of evil; just one calorie, not evil enough!"
The prince rolled his eyes. "While you may enjoy the use of pop culture references on me, I must remind you that every evil being or person has a weak spot."
Janice huffed. "Whatever." With that said, she walked away.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Prince Angel, accompanied by his mother, Queen Darla, and his father, King Master of Kingdom Los Angeles!" Jonathon announced.
A few of the ladies present swooned. Queen Darla waved to those around, and King Master slightly nodded in the directions of those he was somewhat acquainted with.
"For those of you who don't remember Prince Angel, I will now enlighten you. After a short, very short fling with Princess Buffy, a curse was placed upon Prince Angel's head. What do we remember the most about him while he went all Jack the Ripper on us? Well, he scared the horses, killed the puppies…hid the remote; really awful shit." Andrew said to the crowd. "And while his family is ruler of Kingdom L.A., we must also remember that Angel is Prince of Major Brooding!"
Prince Angel hung his head to avoid the stares of the men present. Still, the women continued to swoon, and Xander made gagging noises.
This time, Jonathon threw a vase that was close by, hitting Andrew in the head and knocking him unconscious for the time being. Warren slowly lifted his body and placed it in a corner where no one would accidentally trip over his prone figure.
"Ahem!"
Jonathon's attention was turned to the prince who was waiting to be announced.
"Ah, and Prince Riley of Kingdom Initiative has now graced us with his presence."
"And aren't we grateful he didn't bring along his brother Adam!" Warren supplied.
A few light-hearted chuckles were heard around the room.
Riley smiled, causing a few girls in the room to melt. Others were too busy trying to make Angel feel better by hanging all over him and laughing constantly and at nothing.
Prince Riley made his way towards Xander to request a drink. "Hello, Xander. How are you this evening?"
"Just great, Prince Riley. Can't wait to see what kinds of fun we're in for tonight," Xander replied.
"But that doesn't mean we're in on some secret plan and kinds of fun is a code name for something that will confuse everyone tonight," Anya added, smiling brightly.
Prince Riley raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's good to know…I think." Taking a drink, he said goodbye to the two servants before going to mingle with the rest of the group.
Meanwhile…"God, I'm so bored," Buffy sighed.
Queen Joyce smiled at her daughter. "Don't worry, dear. Soon enough it will be time for us to be announced, and you will be able to choose your groom."
Princess Buffy pasted a false grin on her face. "How keen," she said evenly.
Princess Dawn was currently busy spinning around in circles to see how far she could make her dress puff out.
"Dear, sit down. You're going to make yourself sick," the queen scolded.
Dawn took a seat next to her older sister. Queen Joyce excused herself to check on how many guests had shown up for the party so far.
"So, everything's ready for your daring adventure tonight, oh rebellious one," Dawn half-whispered.
Buffy smiled. "Good to know."
"Has Willow gone down to the party yet?"
"She's going to sneak in when the place is crowded enough," Buffy informed her sister.
Dawn nodded. "I'm so bored."
The queen returned a short time later. "Everything seems to be going very well," Joyce announced with a big smile on her face.
Back in the ballroom…Andrew awoke to find himself in a corner with a sharp pain in his head. Rubbing it gently, he stood up slowly. Several more guests had arrived while he had been out. He walked over to Jonathon and shoved him on the back.
"What'd you do that for, you penis?" Andrew demanded.
"Um, cuz you're an idiot?" Jonathon guessed.
"If you do that again, I'm going to tell Three Little Pigs that you wish to turn them into bacon and share them with the wolf."
Jonathon glared at Andrew. "That was you, you pinhead!"
Andrew scowled. "Oh yeah," he mumbled quietly.
"Oh! Tonight we have some guests that have traveled long and far for this occasion! Please welcome Prince Wesley and Princess Winifred all the way from Kingdom Texas. And it looks like Princess Winifred is being accompanied by not only Prince Wesley, but also her twin sister Princess Illyria!" Jonathon proclaimed.
Princess Winifred smiled brightly and waved at everyone as she and Prince Wesley made their way down the stairs. Princess Illyria, in her red leather, skin-tight ball gown, made no attempt to smile or acknowledge the presence of anyone in the room.
"Illyria, once a normal girl like her identical twin Fred, grew quite ill one time and was never the same again. Now claiming that she is an Ancient Demon Goddess, she looks down on all humans and sometimes we aren't sure if she is actually telling the truth. Either way, this brunette-blue bombshell is quite the force to be reckoned with!"
Jonathon threw his hands in the air. Andrew only knew how to say the wrong things, and he did not like that look of possible torture in Illyria's eyes as she was suddenly in front of the short blonde, holding him by the neck.
"I will rip out your spine and carry it with me as a trophy," Illyria spat.
"Um, ow," Andrew whined. "Please don't hurt me," he whimpered.
"I am Illyria, ruler of seven dimensions, god-king of the primordium. I once held power over vast armies that would rip your eyeballs from their sockets at my whim because of your insolence."
Warren laughed. "Yeah, right. Go on, little girl, and join your sane sister."
The blue-haired, blue-eyed princess dropped Andrew to the floor and sauntered over to Warren. "I should have your tongue removed from your mouth and shoved down your throat. In my days, no one dared insult my greatness. I will impose many tortures on your broken and beaten figure…"
"Okay, okay!" Fred ran up the stairs, grabbing her sister's arm. "DON'T make Illyria mad. Understand?"
Warren nodded. "Got it," he squeaked.
Illyria looked at her twin, and followed her down the stairs. "I dislike that mortal. He is a vile creature who should be flayed alive, his body burned while he screams in agony."
The brown-haired, brown-eyed princess nodded in understanding at her seething sister. "Yeah, I agree. He's rather rude, isn't he?"
Everyone returned to what they were doing once they were sure Illyria was not going to place bodily harm on any of them.
"Wow, that was hot!" Xander whispered to himself.
Anya gave Xander a look that would cause his brain to melt from his ears and out his nose.
Xander grinned. "I mean, if you like that sort of thing. But she's crazy, and why would I want a psycho like her when I have a strong, capitalistic female figure such as yourself?"
Anya sighed. "I so long to hold a lot of money in my hands again. Oh, why don't you prostitute yourself in order to raise money to buy more things for me?"
"But Ahn, that would involve me making merry with multiple women, thus ending the monogamy of our relationship."
Anya smiled, hugging her boyfriend tightly. "This is a case in which I would approve, but since you used large, difficult words, I will forget about my recent proposal of you selling your sexy body to other women."
Prince Riley was making his way back towards the drink trays when he passed the twin princesses. Being the kind man he was, he smiled deeply at the two, nodding his head slightly to acknowledge them. As usual, Fred smiled at his kindness where Illyria stared at him with unblinking eyes, and continued walking with her sister. He turned when he heard a feminine voice.
"They are the worst twins ever!" Janice half-whispered to the muscular prince.
Riley shrugged. "They're not so bad. They're just extremely different, that's all."
Lady Janice smiled at Riley. "So how are you this fine evening?"
"Doing great. You?"
Janice placed her hand over her heart and chuckled. "Well, this gala is a bit of a drag, but since I just ran into you things are starting to get a lot better."
"Well, thanks. I think. I'm Prince Riley, by the way."
Lady Janice held out her hand and Riley bent down to kiss it. "I'm Lady Janice."
"Wonderful to meet you."
Janice fanned her face. "It is quite warm in here. Are you thirsty?"
Riley held up his empty glass to Janice. "Quite. I was on my way to get another drink."
"Would you mind getting me one?" Janice asked, batting her eyes.
"Sure. Would you like milk or water?"
Janice blinked. "Actually, I'd like whatever you're having."
"Sorry, little lady, but I'm pretty sure you are not of proper drinking age."
Lady Janice sighed. "What is with everyone tonight? I can handle my liquor just fine."
Riley shook his head. "Sorry, but I do not wish to be responsible for any mishaps that occur due to your underage drinking."
"This party sucks," Janice mumbled, walking away from Riley.
"Everyone, it is time to welcome our latest arrivals," Jonathon announced, almost sounding bored. "First we have Lord Connor from Kingdom Quortoth, accompanied by family friend, Princess Cordelia from Kingdom Prada."
Cordelia smiled at the group and regally waved. The males in the ballroom all stopped what they were doing and stared fondly at the princess with the large, beautiful ra…smile. Connor just grinned and led the princess down the stairs.
"And next we have Prince Gunn from Kingdom Bad Side of Town Los Angeles accompanying Lady Tara from Kingdom Wiccaville."
The two smiled and made their way to the ballroom floor to join Connor and Cordelia.
"And finally we have Prince Oz from Kingdom Everywhere accompanying Lady Faith, cousin of Queen Joyce, from Kingdom State Penitentiary."
The last two made their way down the stairs to join the four they had walked inside with.
"And there are a couple of bad-ass fighters in that group, so don't do anything sudden or they may just bite your head off!" Warren announced, proud of his statement.
"Yes, this may prove to be a howling good time," Andrew added.
Jonathon stared straight ahead, a look of annoyance covering his face. "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for any offensive comments made by these two simpering idiots I have been forced to work with. Ignore anything they say, and remember that you're here to enjoy yourselves."
Everyone immediately took to mingling around with others in the crowd; some catching up on past times, others introducing themselves to those they had never met.
"Where's Willow," Xander asked his girlfriend.
"Hi guys," Willow said, appearing from nowhere, causing Xander to jump.
"Great googly moogly, Willow! Stop sneaking up on me like that!" Xander cried.
Willow smiled. "But it's so much fun to see you jump when I do."
Anya nodded. "Yes, the situation is always rather humorous what with you being afraid and squealing like a little girl."
"I do not squeal!" Xander protested.
"Willow, what's up with the red hair? You don't look a thing like Buffy," Anya pointed out.
"Yes, Anya, because if I looked like Buffy while she was actually here, much confusion would be caused and the plan would fail, now wouldn't it?"
Anya shrugged. "Would you care for a screwdriver?"
Willow shook her head nervously. "I couldn't. I'm already nervous enough. Alcoholic badness would only make me blow the whole plan and Buffy would never forgive me."
Trumpets blared. It was finally time for Queen Joyce and her two daughters to be announced to the party.
"I do not understand the point of this masquerade ball. Everyone must wear these silly masks to hide their true identity, yet they are announced when they come in and everyone knows who they are. What a silly idea."
Willow grinned at the maid. "I think the Queen just liked the name and the idea of people wearing masks…it is closing in on Halloween after all."
Jonathon cleared his throat. "Everyone please place your attention on this part of the room. It is time to announce the queen and her daughters."
All eyes were on Jonathon.
"First off, everyone welcome Princess Dawn, the youngest of the family."
Dawn smiled and made her way down the stairs, waving slowly for everyone to see.
"And next, please welcome Princess Buffy, the eldest daughter of the queen for whom this party is being thrown tonight."
"Some of you may not be surprised to learn that Buffy has finally earned the title of The Worst Princess Ever earlier today," Andrew once again unnecessarily added. He whined when he felt a hand smack the back of his head and frowned apologetically when he turned and realized he'd received a royal bitch slap from the queen herself.
Jonathon smirked. "And here she is. The queen of Sunnydale. Queen Joyce everyone!"
Everyone stared in awe as the beautiful queen slowly walked down the stairs, smiling serenely at the guests. She was hoping for the party to be a success.
"Is it just me, or did those announcements seem out of place for a royal type party?" Xander mused.
"I guess it's time to set this plan in motion?"
Willow nodded at Anya. "Yep. Time for me to pull some rabbits out of my hat."
As Willow walked off, she smiled when she heard a small cry of terror escape the lips of Xander's girlfriend.
"Xander, why would she do that?"
Willow shook her head and laughed. She knew Xander would now be stuck comforting Anya the rest of the time.
Slowly, Princess Buffy's plan for happiness was falling into place as the Kingdom of Sunnydale celebrated their most valued past time event, dancing and inevitable merry-making.