Severely Deluded

Scene 10

Hermione returned from hall patrol to find her Pensieve, returned to its normal size, sitting on her desk. The surface of her thoughts was clear, and Hermione could see a scene from Potions class playing out in miniature, with real-time Snape standing off to the side with folded arms, looking on.

"Get out of there right now," said Hermione without knowing if Snape would be able to hear her.

But it seemed he could: he looked up at her and said, "Stand back." She did, and Snape re-entered the room.

"You weren't here when I looked in, so I thought I'd start the search on my own," Snape said. If he felt any remorse, Hermione was beyond caring.

"What right do you have to look through all my thoughts like that?"

"More right than anyone else," Snape said. He must have seen Hermione's confusion, because he added, "Do you really not remember the reason you needed a Pensieve?"

Hermione shook her head.

"You did a remarkably thorough job," Snape said. He was looking at Hermione in a way that made her sick with fear.

"What did you see in there?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" Snape said. "It's quite embarrassing."

"I think you'd better tell me."

Snape paused. Then he said, "You seem to have developed a crush on me."

"I would never, in a million years… oh my God."

"I see you've remembered," Snape said dryly.

Had she thought Snape searching her room was humiliating? Maybe, Hermione thought, with a bit of luck I'll spontaneously combust and all they'll have to do is sweep up my ashes and explain to my parents.

"I should warn you, Miss Granger, that in all my time at Hogwarts I've never had to deal with this particular situation before." Snape actually looked uncomfortable. It had never occurred to Hermione that Snape, too, might be embarrassed by the situation.

She would still have traded any day.

"I can't imagine why not."

Snape looked sharply at her, as if trying to judge how sarcastic she was being, then said, "You'll have to forgive me if I'm handling this badly, but I thought you had more sense."

"So did I," Hermione said. "Why did you think I was so eager to blame it on a Love Potion? I didn't do it for laughs."

"I had credited you with better taste," Snape said dully. He held up a hand to stop Hermione from speaking. "No, I don't want to hear about misunderstanding and self-sacrifice and personal risk. As I've told you already, I am exactly as cruel and sarcastic and hateful as everyone thinks me."

"Will you at least not tell everyone what an idiot I am?"

Snape's face relaxed. "Good heavens, girl," he said. "Even I'm not that cruel."

"You told everyone about Professor Lupin."

"I haven't been feuding with you for twenty years."

There was a dense silence. Snape passed a hand over his eyes.

"I know I'm going to regret asking this," he said. "But what was wrong with Weasley, or Potter, or even Krum, someone you might have had a remote chance of winning over with your blue silk robes and your Gryffindor wiles?"

"They aren't a challenge," Hermione said.

Snape snorted. "A challenge to your patience," he said. "And if you think I challenged you, you're absolutely right. I wanted you to show Slytherin that it takes something more than pure wizarding blood to succeed, and you did. I wanted you to prove that you were something more than an insufferable know-it-all, and you did. I wanted you to prove me wrong, and you did."

His hand went to the base of her skull. Hermione almost jumped.

"And I, unlike your so-called friends, know that there is something worthwhile under your abominable hair."

Hermione didn't need the contents of her sock drawer to tell her what was coming next. But Snape released her.

"And I don't want to be a part of it. I don't need your chemical dreams. Do you understand me?"

"Perfectly," Hermione said. She moved away from him and folded her arms.

"Listen to me," Snape said. "I'll have to tell Albus – I don't know what I'll tell Albus, but keep the Pensieve. Put today in it so you don't have to think about it. God knows I won't be reminding you about it. You'll never make it through the rest of the year with all that in your head."

"I'll never make it through the rest of the year like this either," Hermione said. "You saw what it's done to me. I can't go around forgetting homework and meetings and conversations, and I can't take N.E.W.T.'s like this either."

"It's your choice," Snape said. "Which do you think is going to make life more difficult?" He left through the fireplace.

Hermione went over to the Pensieve. Its surface was swirling. She added several memories to it, and when the last one had sunk in, she stood staring at the surface, trying to remember what she'd needed it for in the first place.

Whatever it was, it must have been traumatic.