Summary: Dawn has finally reached that important milestone in her life. Angel goes back to his roots and also wears leather pants. Buffy has more sex. Xander accidentally toys with magic. It's kind of a thing. We're not sure if it's a funny thing yet.
A/N: Yay! Another chapter. A very long chapter. We laughed while we wrote it, but we're on crack. Enjoy! Oh yeah, Kelley's gonna be on a cruise next week! Woohoo!
A/N: Please send us reviews. We like it. Just no flames because flames are just another way of trying to censor a person and censorship is bad. Mmmkay?
Disclaimer: If we don't tell you that Buffy belongs to Joss, rabid, hairy, kilted rugby players will chase us down the streets of Owensboro. And we don't want that. So Joss owns the show. And we own nothing. Really. Our apartment is bare. With the exception of a few writing utensils and an old school computer, and Shelley's lunchbox.
Rating: R, for Sophie's potty mouth.
Chapter 2"Aaah!" cried Angel.
Everyone turned to look at the soulful vampire who had just screamed out before everyone looked at him.
"What's your bloody problem, Peaches?" Spike, Angel's bleached blonde, British, well toned, way sexy, smart-ass, lovesick grand childe asked in a mean way.
"Connor loved penguins!" Angel sobbed. "Or at least I think he would have had he not been pulled into some god-awful hell dimension and brought back as an angry sixteen-year-old with a vendetta against me and a big gun. He doesn't even have my hair fashion sense!" Angel babbled on and on like Willow tends to do (or at least did a lot of in the first few seasons) and wasn't really making sense to anyone.
"Why would anyone do something so vile?" Anya questioned to anyone who might actually be listening.
"Holtz wanted to get revenge on me for killing his family when I was Angelus so he took my son."
"Dead Boy has a son?" Xander asked.
"I'm talking about the vicious penguin attack on Tara, honey," Anya chided.
Buffy sniffed. "But why? Why? How could they do this to me?"
"Uh, Buff?"
"Couldn't they have left her body in someone else's front yard?" Once again, Buffy had devised a way to make the problem All About Her. "My life is just so difficult. I'm thrown into a destiny I don't want. My parents thought I was crazy and threw me into a mental institution. It had nothing to do with the fact I looked like a stick figure and never ate anything but lollipops."
"So that's why you're so good at sucking," Spike realized.
Buffy turned to glare at Spike in a pouty and kind of constipated way, never noticing the fact that someone actually snickered at the remark.
"Don't make me stake you, Spike, because I'd enjoy it thoroughly."
Spike's eyes widened and his lip trembled slightly. "But, Buffy, I love you!"
"You're beneath me! You're evil! You don't have a soul! You can't love!"
"Whoa, déjà vu," Xander commented. "Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of hungry."
He reentered the house, quickly followed by the others leaving poor Tara to decompose in the bushes. They figured it would save money on compost fertilizer. Buffy spotted Dawn on the couch trying to help Janice with her shadow puppet.
"It's impossible!" Janice exclaimed. "There's no way humanly possible fingers can bend that far."
Buffy mentally steeled herself for the horrible news she had to bestow on her used to be shiny light now shiny-haired little sister.
"Dawn," she said somberly, tears already filling her eyes.
Dawn looked up to see everyone wearing solemn, yet confused expressions. "Oh, God. Who died now?" she asked.
Buffy rushed to Dawn's side grasping both her hands and sitting down beside her. "Now, Dawn. You know I've tried as best as I can to shield you from all the violence, carnage, bloodshed, and overall ickiness from my duties as a Slayer."
"Doesn't stop me from getting kidnapped every other week," Dawn mumbled.
"But sometimes, bad things happen to good people."
"What happened?" Dawn asked anxiously.
"Angel's son was thrown into a Hell dimension and has come back as a bad ass sixteen-year-old," Anya interjected.
"Really?" Dawn's spirits lifted considerably.
"Yes," Anya assured her. "He sounds very sexy."
"No, that's not the bad news I was talking about!" Buffy yelled. "Dawn, you need to listen to me."
Dawn sighed and made a mental note to relapse back into kleptomania later and steal a car for a trip to L.A.
"Oh," Buffy groaned. "I don't know how to break this earth-shattering news to you. I have to preserve your child-like innocence, even though you've been kidnapped, tied up, terrorized, and nearly sacrificed. You need to be protected. You saw me do a swan dive into a brick pile, but you have to be sheltered! This news may warp your fragile psyche, causing all kinds of long-lasting mental anguish."
"Buffy, for the love of God, tell me what the HELL you're talking about before I rip your friggin' head off!" Dawn shouted.
Buffy began to blubber. "Tara…was killed sometime today."
"Tara!" Dawn cried. "Now I'll never get to have that threesome with her and Willow!"
She and Spike shared a look and a high five.
Angel pushed Janice off the couch and sat down on the other side of Dawn.
"Now I know this is a hard time for you, Dawn." Angel grabbed Dawn by the shoulders and spun her around. He gazed at her with soul-filled, mournful, angst-ridden, compassionate, haunted eyes the color of Irish whiskey, or shit depending on which side of the potato field you lived on. "Just remember, no matter what happens…" He paused melodramatically. "I'll be here for you."
Angel leaned in and kissed Dawn on the cheek. Xander made gagging noises in the background. Anya shushed him.
Dawn pulled away from Angel when he began to growl. "Ewww!" she squeaked.
"Yes, Dawn." Pause for dramatic effect. "I'm a vampire."
"I know, you freak!" Dawn told him. "But that doesn't excuse you from brushing. Blood breath, yuck!"
"I'm sorry, I haven't brushed my teeth since Connor was taken away. Now he's back as a sixteen year old, and he hates me and wants to kill me," Angel explained. "Did I mention he wants to kill me?"
"Shouldn't we do something with the body?" Anya asked.
"We need to call the police so they can come and take it to the morgue," Xander replied.
Angel sighed a troubled sigh. He looked at Dawn and tilted his soulful head (not so much) as one angsty tear rolled down his horribly depressed cheek.
Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Is there something in your eye, Angel?"
Angel closed his eyes and shook his head. He grabbed Dawn's hands. "Now listen to me, Dawn. I have to do this. I'm the only one who can since you have to stay in school and have a way better life than your sister since she's the slayer and all."
Dawn scowled in confusion. "Right. Okay. What are we talking about again?"
Angel grabbed Dawn's chin to get her to listen. "Listen to me, Dawn! This is up to me. I'm Champion for the Powers That Be. First, we need to dismember Tara's body, then place her parts in different boxes. Then I must travel in the darkest part of a boat possible and visit various parts of the world. I'll bury her pieces all over the place so no one can reassemble her body and try to bring about the end of humankind altogether."
A grave silence filled the room as everyone gaped at the vampire with a soul. Angel had obviously confused Tara with the judge who was a gigantic, ugly blue guy that wanted to get rid of humanity altogether.
Spike rolled his eyes so hard they almost got stuck at the top of his head. He blinked a few times. "Peaches, you stupid git. You've obviously confused Tara with the Judge who was a gigantic, ugly blue guy that wanted to get rid of humanity altogether. Tara is neither big nor blue and she is definitely not mean."
Everyone in the room let out a sigh of relief.
Suddenly Halfrek appeared. "Did you know there is a dead body out in the bushes?"
"Yes," everyone replied monotonously.
"HAAALLLLLLLIIIEEEE!" Anya squealed at a dangerously high pitch.
"Get out get out GET OUT!" Dawn squealed at an even higher pitch.
"Okay, I'll go," Clem replied.
"No! You can't leave," Dawn cried.
"We can't leave the house?" Buffy panicked. "We're stuck in here again?!?"
"We can't leave?" Dawn asked, but everyone ignored her.
Suddenly the guests were in an uproar. Buffy immediately began to apologize profusely to Dawn for not paying attention to her, totally ignoring Dawn trying to tell her they weren't actually stuck in the house. Anya immediately became paranoid and started frantically searching the house while stripping off her clothing. Spike pulled Buffy into the nearest closet. This called for sex. Repeatedly. In many different positions. Janice tried to join them in said closet, but Buffy kicked her out shouting, "Get your own sex toy, bitch!"
"But I love you, Buffy!" Spike exclaimed.
"You're beneath me! You're evil. You don't have a soul. You can't love!" Buffy cried. She stomped her boot clad foot. "Now make me feel, goddammit!"
Outside the closet, Halfrek paused thoughtfully. "Hmm. You're beneath me. That sounds vaguely familiar." She opened the door, catching Buffy and Spike mid-shag.
"Sorry, I didn't meant to interrupt," Halfrek apologized. She looked at Spike. "Do I know you from somewhere, William?"
Spike stopped nibbling on Buffy's ear. "I dunno." He looked at her for a few moments. Suddenly recognition crept into his face. He let go of Buffy. She slid down the wall to the floor with a thud. "Oh, God! No…it's not possible. You're…but it can't be. She died a long time ago. But…are you that gypsy girl that Angelus killed? The one he killed right before his got his soul back?"
"No," Angel replied, also entering the closet. How big was this closet anyway? He gave Halfrek a once-over. "The gypsy girl's hair was longer."
"Angel, get your poncy arse out of here!" Spike yelled. "I'm trying to have sex at the moment!" He scowled. "Bloody poofter."
"Ahh, sex," Angel remembered fondly. He hadn't had sex in…wait a second! He'd slept with Darla less than a year ago. And he hadn't lost his soul. "Hey, where's Dawn?" he asked.
Buffy wordlessly pointed toward the couch before slamming Spike into a wall and continuing their shagfest. Angel treaded toward the couch. Halfrek gave Spike's abs one last appreciative glance before leaving as well, closing the closet door behind her.
"Hey," Angel greeted as he sat back down beside Dawn.
"Hi yourself," Dawn answered uncertainly. Oh God, what was he up to now?
"Are you a necrophiliac?" he asked.
Dawn just stared at him blankly. He sighed. Maybe he needed to try a different approach.
"Say, do you have any Irish in you?"
Dawn shook her head. "No, why?"
Angel smiled. "Would you like some?"
"Angel, why are you hitting on me?" Dawn asked.
Angel put the back of his hand to his forehead. "I'm sorry, Dawn. This whole mess with Connor screwed me up. And Cordelia's with Groo. Wesley betrayed me, and Fred and Gunn are disgustingly happy. AND I can't get rid of the DAMNED PENTAGRAM in the lobby!"
Dawn placed a comforting hand on Angel's shoulder. "There, there, Angel. Have you tried bleach? Or maybe a really big throw rug? You never know when you'll need a pentagram again."
Angel smiled thankfully at the girl with blindingly shiny hair. He squeezed her knee and sighed. Then he looked back at her, grinning. "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
"Eew! You've slept with my sister. How do I know you won't give me something icky?"
"Vampires don't carry STD's," he informed her.
"Yeah, and they can't have children either," Dawn retorted.
"But Spike's getting some and I'm not!" Angel whined. "It's not fair!"
"Getting some what?" Dawn asked cluelessly.
Angel sighed. He'd forgotten that everyone was oblivious to the fact that Buffy and Spike were having wild monkey sex this very moment. "Never mind." He then switched to his broody, angsty persona.
"Dawn, I love you."
Dawn smiled thoughtfully. Did she want to have sex? Everyone else seemed to be doing it and no one ever decided to tell her that she needed to wait until she was older, more matured, married, or at least dating someone before engaging in sexual intercourse. Of course, Buffy wasn't dating Parker before he screwed her into the mattress. And Willow and Tara really enjoyed doing spells. And Janice…well Janice screwed anything that moved, but that was beside the point. All right, let's look at this rationally like Anya taught her. Is he sexy? Yes. Am I horny? I'm a teenager, or course I am. Now, for the big question. Is he my one true love?
…Well, he was Buffy's one true love, and technically I'm part of Buffy, so…
"Okay, sure. Let's go upstairs and have sex. I don't think anyone will miss us."
Twenty minutes later…Dawn slid down the banister singing the author's favorites (and very appropriate) song by Poe. Bonus points if you can guess it.
"Oh yeah! No more virgin sacrifices for me!" She broke out into the Snoopy Dance. Anya, being the sexually perceptive woman she is caught on to Dawn's not so subtle celebration's reason very quickly.
"Oh my God! You've had sex!" Anya exclaimed.
At the mention of sex, Spike and Buffy came out of the closet. Everyone else cringed at the pun. "What? Sex? Dawn, you had sex?"
Buffy attacked Xander.
"What? I didn't do anything!"
Suddenly a loud clap of thunder sounded along with a tortured scream of anguish. "Noooo!"
"Oh, that must be Angel," Dawn commented. He's evil now. I'd suggest weapons."
You gave Angel a moment of true happiness?" Buffy asked in disbelief. That was her job, dammit.
Dawn smirked. "I gave him several."
Buffy's eyes widened. "Several?"
"Oh yeah. I showed him things he's never seen," Dawn crowed.
"You showed him his dick?" Spike exclaimed. He and Xander started laughing and exchanged a high five.
"Spike! How dare you say that! You're supposed to be on the road to redemption!"
Spike did a double take. "Road to redemption? What the hell is she talking about?"
"Next thing you know, she'll be buying you hair gel. Run while you still can," Xander warned.
Everyone stopped and looked around when they heard a funny squeaky sound. When they figured out it was coming down the stairs, they looked to the stairs.
"Well, well, well," Angelus chuckled as everyone observed his leather pants and hair that managed to stick even farther up than usual.
"Oh my gosh!" Anya cried. "Those pants are great! How much did you pay for them?"
Angelus stopped and thought for a second. "Thanks! I bought them at the leather store. I actually negotiated for a lesser price. I bought my duster there too."
"You stupid git! You're a bloody vampire! You don't pay! You steal!"
"Where did you get your duster, Spike?" Anya asked.
"I stole if off the dead body of the Slayer I killed in 1977."
"Spike, you're a pig," Buffy spat.
"Excuse me," Angelus said in a commanding voice because everyone had stopped paying attention to him. "Soulless vampire speaking here. Very evil soulless vampire I might add."
"Yeah, what of it, Peaches?" Spike asked
"Well, I'm going to kill all of you."
"Oh, in that case…" Spike said.
Everyone stood around not sure what to do because they were morons who had forgotten just how evil Angelus really is.
Angelus rolled his eyes. "Run."
"Why?" Anya asked since she'd never witnessed Evil Angel before.
"Because I'M EVIL!"
"How evil are you?" Anya asked once again.
Xander grabbed Anya's arm when Angelus started growling. "Now is not the time for questions." He ran towards the weapons chest with Anya in tow. Dawn followed closely behind, crying.
Angelus sighed. "I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten. When I'm not looking, run and hide. Got it?"
"Oh, a game!" Janice squealed with delight.
Angel turned around and started counting. Buffy, Spike, Clem, Sophie and Halfrek all went to the weapon's chest.
"Where are you guys going?" Janice called. "Well, I've got the closet," she yelled when no one answered her. She then proceeded to slam the door shut. Janice obviously never learned to play hide and seek when she was a child.
The rest of the group each grabbed a weapon. Dawn continued to blubber. Everyone ignored her. They just handed her a stake.
"TEN!" Angelus yelled.
Everyone ran back out, weapons in hand. Just ask they got out there, Angelus opened the door and dragged Janice out of the closet. The gang gasped.
Janice's eyes widened when she looked up at the now-soulless vampire who was vamped out. "What's wrong with your face? Is it always like that? Was it like that before? I don't remember it looking like that." Angelus rolled his eyes and placed one hand on the back of Janice's head and the other under her chin. "And what's with the attitude change? I don't remember you wearing leather pants before."
Angelus growled and prepared to snap Janice's neck.
"Ahem!" Anya cleared her throat loudly. "Could you not kill her in front of little Dawnie here?"
"Oh…sorry," Angelus mumbled. He dragged Janice into the kitchen. "Is this better?" he yelled.
"Aren't you going to stop him, Buffy?" Xander asked.
"Yes, Evil Angel!" Anya called.
Suddenly everyone heard a loud popping noise and a thud as Janice's lifeless body hit the floor.
"Oops," Buffy said innocently.
Angelus came out of the kitchen rubbing his hands together. "Well, that was fun."
"Wow, he really is evil," Anya commented.
"That was really traumatizing," Dawn whispered.
Everyone else felt like big dumbasses for not doing anything to stop the senseless (not so much) taking of an innocent (not so much, again) life.
"All right. Who's next?" Angelus asked.
Dawn whimpered.
"How about you, Xander?" Angelus questioned.
"Nah, I'm not really in the mood right now," Xander replied. "Besides, aren't you fixated on Dawn right now?"
"Oh, yeah. That's right. Thanks man."
Dawn shot a glare at Xander while trying to decide if the should run out the door or run up the stairs. She chose the stairs. Angelus immediately took off after her. When she reached the top, she spied the obligatory heavy object at the top of the stairs…a grand piano on wheels in this case. So, she pushed it. Angel ran back down the stairs when he saw it coming. Spike doubled over in laughter. Once the stairs were clear again, he ran back up them.
"Dawwwwn!" Angelus cooed. "I can hear your little heart beating!" He stopped at Joyce's bedroom door and opened it with a flourish. Instead of finding Dawn, he found Willow standing in the midst of burning lace. "Oh, it's you, Willow."
Willow's head snapped to the intruder, her eyes large black pools. It was really kind of nasty looking. "Angel, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to kill you," he replied.
"Why?" Willow asked.
"Because I'm evil again."
"Excuse me?" Willow cried.
"I'M EVIL!"
Willow wagged her finger at the vampire. "I don't think so, pal. There is only enough room for one evil person in this story and I'm it, bitch! Sorry, you're gonna have to go!"
Angelus began to object, but Willow quickly mumbled something in Latin and snapped her fingers. A light passed through his eyes. He stumbled backward out of the room and lumbered into Dawn's bedroom door. Once inside he fell to his knees. Dawn heard some really sappy music from above and squealed when Angel fell. She charged at him with her stake and plunged it into his chest right as Angel started to cry. He uttered out her name.
"Dawn, I got my soul back." Then he turned to dust. Dawn covered her mouth with her hand. The sappy music swelled to a crescendo and Dawn fell to her knees.
"Oh, God! Why have you forsaken me!" she cried to the heavens. Dawn blinked. "Where did that come from?" she asked herself.
Dawn descended the stairs in a daze. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and snot was dribbling from her nose, running over her chin and soaking into the neckline of her sweater.
Buffy, noticing her sister's situation rushed to her aid. "Dawn, what's wrong?"
"By nobe won tov ru'in," she answered.
"Huh?"
Dawn wiped her nose and half her face on her sweater sleeve. It was now stuck to her arm.
"My nose won't stop running," she clarified. "Oh, and I killed Angel."
"Well, good for you Nibblet," Spike told her. Xander cursed under his breath and handed Spike a twenty.
Dawn sniffed. "He got his soul back."
"Bugger," Spike scowled, then handed the twenty over to Halfrek.
"I felt so bad about it."
"Shit." Halfrek handed the twenty over to Anya.
"I should have known," Dawn continued. "He wasn't even wearing the leather pants or making squeaky noises anymore."
"Dammit!" Anya passed the money to Buffy.
"But I'd staked him through the heart before I even realized it."
"Well, shit." Now Sophie was twenty dollars richer.
Dawn's trip down memory lane went on. "And he just looked at me and started to cry."
"Motherfucking cocksuckers!" Sophie swore. She handed to money to Clem.
"Maybe later, baby," he reassured her.
"There wasn't even time for a last 'I love you'."
"Oh, well." Clem walked over and dropped the twenty on Janice's decomposing body.
Dawn quickly became hysterical. "I didn't even tell him to close his eyes!" she sobbed.
"Ha!" Xander taunted triumphantly. He skipped over to the decomposing body. Not Tara's, which is still outside, but Janice's, and reclaimed his twenty dollars. "Take that you dirty whore!" He gave her body a kick before returning to Anya's side.
Suddenly a blazing fireball burst through the window and got glass all over the place in a blaze of glory and bounced off the wall, leaving an Angel shaped scorch mark on the wall.
"Holy crap!" Buffy cried. She went over to examine the Angel shaped mark on the wall and stared at the puddle of a mess on the ground. "What do you suppose it is?"
"Dammit," Xander grumbled, passing the twenty to Dawn.
Dawn shoved the twenty in her cleavage which was actually way more ample than Buffy's, but not quite as ample as Tara's…ahem. She ran to the Angel shaped body on the floor and knelt down beside it.
"MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!"
The gang looked at Sophie.
"What?" she asked. "That wasn't me this time."
"I wonder where it came from," Buffy commented.
"Hey, Dipshits. I'm out here!"
Everyone walked to the broken window and saw a little girl with long, curly brown hair standing in the yard.
"Honey! It's a midget!" Anya exclaimed.
"Oh! She's so cute!" Buffy cooed.
The little girl stood there with an all too innocent look on her annoying dimpled face.
"That's not a midget, Anya," Xander replied. "She's almost as tall as Buffy, I think."
"Oh. So is Buffy a midget?" Anya looked confused.
"Some would say yes," Spike answered.
Buffy punched Spike in the stomach since her stature kept her from being able to reach Spike's nose. "I'm not a midget! Everyone else is just really tall!"
"Listen to me you dumbasses! I don't need a vampire with a soul polluting up my home. If I see him here one more time, I'm gonna come back and personally bitch slap every single one of you!" With that said, she disappeared in a fiery red puff.
"Who was that?" Dawn asked while she continued to kneel next to the recently returned from hell, recently resouled Angel shaped body.
"It was a vampire!" Buffy exclaimed.
"It was a zombie!" Halfrek supplied. Everyone looked at her dubiously. "What? Maybe she was just a very well-preserved, very rude zombie!"
"It was a demon," Spike argued.
"It was Satan," Xander said. Buffy looked at Xander doubtfully. Spike scowled at him. Halfrek wondered how Xander knew Satan.
"Satan?" Buffy questioned. "She looked like that little Pepsi girl to me."
Xander nodded. "Yeah. Satan. Who else would endorse Pepsi-Cola?"
Everyone in the room shrugged.
Angel opened his eyes and peered up at Dawn, who was crying profusely over his undead body. If he needed to breathe, he probably would have drowned in the ocean of Dawn's tears. Unfortunately for him he didn't drown because when he opened his eyes, the light bouncing off Dawn's ultra shiny hair blinded him temporarily.
"Angel?" Dawn asked in a near whisper.
Angel grunted. He reached up to touch Dawn's face, but in his moment of temporary blindness misjudged his aim and accidentally poked Dawn's eye.
"Ow!" Dawn complained, covering her eye.
Suddenly his vision returned. He saw Dawn covering her eye and immediately felt guilt for already physically harming a fellow supernatural being. He sat up slowly with a look of angst, which also made him look constipated, and gasped. "Dawn! Oh, I'm so sorry," he choked out. "I'm sorry for all the horrendous pain I put you through while I was very soulless. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Uh, yea," Dawn replied.
Angel bit his lip. "I love you, Dawn."
"I love you too, Angel," Dawn responded.
Xander started to make gagging sounds. Anya slapped him on the back of his head.
"I'm so sorry about your friend Janice," Angel spoke solemnly.
Dawn frowned and then brightened. "Oh yeah! Hmm. That's okay. I didn't like her that much anyway. She had a really big forehead. She also looked too much like that girl from General Hospital."
Angel raised an eyebrow. "Oh her! I know who you're talking about. Zander's ho!"
Anya gasped loudly and before Angel could say "No! Not you!" D'Hoffryn appeared and gave Anya her powers back. Anya then grabbed the rolling pin of doom and hurled it at Angel's chest, immediately dusting him. Xander quickly grabbed Anya's amulet from around her neck and smashed it. It was too late though. Angel was a pile of ashes again.
"Nooo!" Dawn cried. "He wasn't talking about you! He was talking about the Zander from General Hospital!"
"Oh," Anya replied. "Sorry. I tend to act without thinking first. My bad."
"Anya, you didn't need your powers back for that," Halfrek chided. "You were always D'Hoffryn's favorite."
"That's because I had sex with him." Anya covered her mouth as her eyes widened and for once wished she wasn't so forthright.
"What?" Xander asked.
"Nothing," Anya replied quickly.
No one dared to argue for fear they might have to see Anya's ugly demon face again. Luckily, D'Hoffryn had yet to return.
Everyone in the room looked around with lost looks on their faces. They waited and waited. Out of boredom they decided to play an exciting game of Kick the Corpse. Then they got bored again and began twiddling their thumbs.
"Where the hell did the plot go?" Dawn asked.
Xander sighed. "I don't know, but all this waiting is making me rather hungry."
"I hate waiting," Anya mumbled.
"Wanna have sex?" Spike asked Buffy.
No one else heard.
"I don't think you've had sex in the basement yet," Xander said.
"Huh?" Halfrek asked.
Buffy and Spike didn't hear Xander though.
"This sucks," Sophie complained.
Xander picked up a conveniently placed magic book that was on the kitchen counter and most likely added for lack of plot formation because writers can do that no matter how petty or annoying it may seem to everyone else. He opened up to a random page and began reading aloud. And we all know what happens when Xander reads Latin out loud.
Suddenly there was a loud thump and a crash as an Angel shaped body fell from the ceiling to the floor, causing a violent earthquake throughout Sunnydale. Many lives were lost, but that is not important to the story.
"Holy crap!" Buffy cried, running into the room half-dressed and examining the Angel shaped body on the floor. "What do you suppose it is?" No one noticed the fact she looked like she'd had wild monkey sex. Of course, no one noticed that she'd left the room either. She looked up and saw the hole in her ceiling. "Dammit, Xander! I can't leave you alone for five minutes without you destroying my house!"
Everyone turned to glare at Xander. No one questioned the fact he'd just resurrected someone without the blood of a baby deer or a snake coming out of his mouth. It's kinda like how they never questioned how he got the magical know how to summon a dancing demon. Or how his broken bones heal in less than a week. Or how he can get hit with a magical troll hammer six times and still not have a concussion. Whatever.
"MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!"
"Someone has been watching way too much Psycho Beach Party," Xander commented.
"Nice deduction, Starcat," Spike snarked.
Everyone looked at Sophie.
"Guys, I only said it once! Take your minds of repeat, please!" Sophie said.
"Over here you bloody morons!"
The gang looked at the shiny man standing next to the Angel-shaped body on the ground.
"Did one of you lose this?" he asked, prodding it with his foot.
"Dude, it's the metatron!" Jonathon exclaimed.
"Where did you come into the story?" Buffy asked.
"Oh. Sorry." He shapeshifted into a lamp.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm the metatron."
"You look like Snape from Harry Potter," Dawn said.
"He looks like the guy from Galaxy Quest," Spike added. "By Grapthar's hammer…"
"Please shut up!" the metatron cried. "We don't need a vampire in Heaven, thank you very much. I don't care if his name is Angel." With that, he disappeared in a bright light.
"Wow. People come and go so quickly here," Sophie exclaimed.
A multitude of shrill little laughters echoed through the room causing everyone to once again look around in confusion.
Xander shuddered. "Munchkinland!"
"What's wrong with Munchkinland? Buffy asked, somewhat offended since Glinda had appointed her queen of Munchkinland after their leader was killed by the Wicked Witch of the West. Or maybe that was just a silly dream.
"They look like miniature clowns." Xander shuddered again.
Dawn gently shook Angel. "Angel? Snookums? Wake up! C'mon, sweetie! Wake up." She sighed. "Angel." She rolled her eyes. "Angel!" Frustrated, she bitch slapped the unconscious, undead vampire. "Wake up, Soul Boy!" She slapped him again, leaving a rather large red mark on his pale cheek. "WAKE UP!"
"Damn it, bitch!" Angel cried, opening his eyes.
"Oh Angel!" Dawn exclaimed, hugging the soulful, angsty vampire around the neck.
Angel pried his shiny haired girlfriend from around his neck and sat up with a look of anger, or was he brooding again? "Was that necessary, Anya?"
Anya shrugged. All this excitement had made her horny.
Dawn sighed loudly. Angel turned to look at her. She shook her head. I'm sorry. Maybe I should have told you to close your eyes when I dusted you're the first time. Anya should have too."
"No way!" Angel cried. "Every time someone tells me to close my eyes, I die! It all started with Darla. She told me to close my eyes and then turned me into a vampire. Then Buffy told me to close my eyes. Of course, that got me sent to a hell dimension for a long time. So no. When someone tells me to close my eyes, something bad happens," Angel babbled on, still sounding broody.
"But two bad things happened, Angel!" Dawn squealed at a high pitch, bursting the bulb of the Jonathon lamp, which served no purpose in the story to begin with, so will hopefully never be spoken of again. "First," Dawn continued," I drove a stake through your undead heart, sending you to hell until Satan personally brought you back. Then Anyanka hurled a rolling pin of doom through your chest, sending you to heeea-ven because of your now soulful nature even though you were soulful the first time we killed you off too, but the metatron from Dogma brought you back to us again." Dawn was beginning to turn blue in the face from her babble fest. Angel's head was starting to spin (not literally though as that's a sign of demonic possession like in The Exorcist or Repossessed, just the figurative sense).
"Wow, Angel, you've died like four times. That is twice as many as Buffy. You too were brought back from heeea-ven, but we aren't forced to hear about it from you," Anya pointed out.
"Well, heeea-ven isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway. They refused to let me wear my leather duster. Some sort of official rule of heeea-ven or something like that," Angel replied.
Everyone turned to look at Buffy. She glared, then punched Spike in the nose (he was sitting in a chair, which made it possible for her to reach his nose), blaming this whole mess on him because she was just using him anyway. Stupid bitch.
After Buffy's tirade stopped, Spike sighed and yawned. "Buffy, I love you."
"You're beneath me! You're evil! You don't have a soul! You can't love!" Buffy hollered.
Spike muttered a curse under his breath and pulled a convenient flask of alcohol from his duster. Once the smell reached Buffy's nose, she fell to the floor in a very drunken stupor. Go figure. Smiling, Spike screwed the top back on his flask and stuck it back into a mysterious pocket.
"Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere, William?" Halfrek asked, messing with her hair.
"Hmmm…" He examined the "justice" demon closely, and she was in human face. Still, the fact she looked exactly like Cecily was way over his head, and he remained oblivious. "No?" He shrugged and turned his attention back to the drunken, frisky, twice dead, pulled from heeea-ven Slayer who was pawing at his washboard abs. No one in the room noticed.
"Get a room, guys!" Xander bellowed.
"Who are you talking to, Xander?" Anya asked.
Xander shook his head. "Never mind."