When History Repeats Itselfby Kelley and Shelley
Summary: Dawn's birthday party trudges onward. Dawn and Angel are "just friends." Buffy and Spike continue their sexual escapades. Xander performs a resurrection without the blood of a baby deer. Willow loses control. Giles loses his bendy straw.
A/N: Wow, when is the last time we updated this story? We currently live in separate places. Shelley lives in Murray, KY, and Kelley lives in Nashville, TN. This updating thing might take longer or something.
A/N: I finally found this chapter and decided to add to the story. Maybe we'll finish it one day. Please review. I bet lots of nice reviews will encourage us to work harder on updating. No flames, please.
Disclaimer: Our aspirations to own Spike and Xander have not happened as of yet, but we're still working on it. Alas, Joss still owns them, and we can only use them for our "creative" purposes (depending on your definition of creative).
Rating: Uh...potty mouths, frequent sex, raising the dead, soulful vampires using humans as shields...I think this calls for like R...or M. Whatever the rating guide says. I don't really know.
Chapter 3
After Angel's re-resurrection, the gang decided a card game was in order. Xander got the cards, Anya got the poker chips, and Dawn asked Xander if he thought Buffy and Spike would want to play.
Xander shook his head. "No, Dawn Patrol, I believe Spike and Buffy are playing their own game right now in the basement."
"Oh, maybe they'll let me play," Dawn said.
"Uh, no, Dawn."
"Have they forgotten I exist?"
"Quite possibly," Xander replied. "Speaking of not existing, where is Willow? We haven't seen her since chapter one…uh, since the party started. We need to tell her Tara is dead."
"Last time I saw her, she was about to do something drastic because she got tired of the fugly lace outfits in her closets," Dawn added.
"Hmm. Speaking of fugly, have you seen some of Spike's shirts lately? No wonder Buffy keeps ripping them off," Xander commented.
"Yeah, they are fugly. Maybe Buffy's fashion sense is rubbing off on him. Do you think maybe to convince herself she hates him, she's giving him those awful shirts just to be mean?"
Evil laughter echoed throughout the house.
"Okay, who had sex with Angel this time?" Anya asked.
"I'm right here, guys!" Angel exclaimed.
At the mention of sex, Buffy and Spike came up from the basement. Buffy was wearing one of those skimpy Swedish milkmaid costume things, and Spike was wearing tweed and glasses.
"What were you guys doing down there?" Dawn asked her twice dead now alive sister.
"Um, I was milking Sp – a cow," Buffy answered.
"And I was impersonating Giles," Spike added.
"I'm not saying a word," Xander said quietly.
"NO MORE LACE!" Evil Willow boomed, floating down the stairs.
"Oh no!" Anya cried. "She fell off the wagon! Quick! Someone find some bottled water, pronto!"
Angel dragged the giant new freezer Buffy bought for Willow's bottled water supply into the living room. He opened it and grabbed six bottles of water at a time.
"I don't want that shit!" Willow exclaimed. She used magic to throw Angel backwards (obviously since she's no slayer after all).
"Willow! What happened?" Xander asked his black eyed best friend.
"I can't take it anymore!" Willow answered. "It just won't stop!"
"What won't?" Anya asked.
"The pain!"
The group nodded sympathetically, understanding her pain.
"Things will get better," Buffy offered.
"No! They never will. Do you know how badly that lace is chafing my skin? It hurts! I've gone through two bottles of lotion this week!"
Dawn frowned. "Uh, are we on the same page here, Willow?" She looked at everyone else around her.
"Why do I have to wear this awful lace? My clothes are so ugly! What happened to plain old jeans and a t-shirt? I look like a freak!"
Willow! You must stop this tirade! You're the only person in history with a bad magic addiction," Angel pleaded.
"No! The only way to stop the lace is to end the world!"
"Oh, hell no!" Sophie exclaimed.
Everyone ran to the freezer and grabbed water bottles. They then ran at the not so sober witch and started beating her with the water bottles. Repeatedly.
Once the witch with the magic addiction fell into a state of unconsciousness, the group backed off. They dropped their water bottles and placed Willow on the couch. They covered her with a blanket and grabbed all the ropes and chains they could find and practically attached Willow to the couch. They'd forgotten that Willow would most likely wake up drained of all her powers.
"Now what?" Dawn asked.
Everyone looked around with stupid expressions on their faces. After a moment they grew quite bored and went back into the kitchen to play Kick the Corpse with Janice's still lifeless body. That got boring fast so they started wandering around in circles like morons. That got old after a minute as well.
"What's going on?" Sophie asked.
"The stupid authors lost the stupid plot again," Xander mumbled.
Angel walked over to the lamp with the broken bulb in the kitchen. "Where'd this come from?"
"Oh, that's the Jonathon lamp," Buffy replied. "Dawn broke him."
"Hey!" Dawn cried. "He was useless to the plot anyway!"
"Can we just get on with the story!" Anya cried.
"Fine," the authors yelled.
Angel grabbed Dawn's hand and they went to sit on the couch, but had to find somewhere else to sit since Willow was chained to it.
"So, we're still friends, right?" Dawn asked.
Angel glanced at Dawn with solemn eyes. "Yes."
"This is so hard, Angel."
"I know, Dawn," he whispered, touching her cheek.
They started making out, forgetting they had just decided to be friends.
"Whoa!" Xander cried when he spotted the lustful couple sucking on each other's tonsils. "Did we not learn our lesson the first time?" he asked.
Angel and Dawn pulled apart quickly.
"Uh, um…we're just friends," Dawn said.
"That was an accident," Angel added. "We're not like that anymore."
"Right," Spike scoffed. "You're not friends. Bloody hell. Don't make me do the 'you'll never be friends' speech again. Why don't you idiots ever listen to me? Are you all daft?"
Suddenly Xander realized what was going on. It didn't take him much longer than Spike to figure it out. "Don't worry," he whispered to the Billy Idol clone. "He should be leaving soon."
"Won't be soon enough," Spike replied. "You'd think a two hundred forty three year old would have gotten over his teen girl fetish by now."
Any further comments Xander could make about Spike's newfound love of tweed were halted by a knock at the door.
"Did you know there is a body in your bushes?"
"Oh no!" Anya cried. "We're all going to die!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Buffy asked. Then she went back to adjusting her Swedish milkmaid top so it would accentuate her cleavage. So far nothing was working. "It's just someone at the door. It's probably just another Bible salesman."
"But no one ever knocks on the door!" Anya continued. "It has to be for evil. Unless…Giles? Is that you?" she screamed.
"Oh yes, quite," a British voice answered from the other side of the closed door. "Don't worry about the door. I'll just let myself in."
Buffy's eyes widened in horror. "No!" she cried.
Giles paused halfway in the door at the sound of her voice screaming from the hallway. He shrugged. "WHAT?" he yelled on the slim chance Buffy had some important information to offer him.
"STAY OUTSIDE OR YOU'LL BE TRAPPED!"
"Giles stepped back out the doorway. "Oh dear. Thank you for the warning. So, you're all quite trapped in there?"
Dawn pulled her tongue out of Angel's ear. "We're trapped in here?" she asked. The only answer she got was a sympathetic look from Xander, which turned to disgust when she went back to working on her "friendship" with Angel.
"Yes, we're all stuck in here until someone figures a way out of this," Buffy explained dramatically. "And Willow has turned evil. She's chained to the couch right now."
"Yeah, and I had sex with Angel," Dawn continued as the walked over to the door, dragging Angel with her. "Which was the best present ever! Well, until he turned evil that is."
"You slept with a souled vampire on your birthday?" Giles sighed. "How very original of you."
Buffy started fuming. Someone was paying attention to Dawn instead of her. That show-stealing wench! The Slayer belted her one in the mouth.
"Yeah yeah, really interesting. So Angel got his soul back and Dawn sent him to hell." Angel's face clouded (but didn't rain) when he thought about his unremembered remembered memories of his time in hell.
"But he came back!" Dawn argued in her defense. "And I didn't run away!" she added, yanking the diminutive Slayer's bleached (but not Spike bleached) locks.
Buffy pushed her shiny-little-energy-ball-turned-shiny-happy-teenage sister to the floor. "But then Angel called Anya Xander's ho and Anya killed him again."
"I wasn't talked about Anya!" Angel yelled.
Everyone stared at the soulful, grumpy vampire in shock. Buffy pulled a stake out of…well we don't want to know where she hid it in that skimpy outfit, and we figured you didn't either.
"Stay away from my boyfriend!" Dawn cried. "Uh…I mean friend. Good friend who just happens to be a boy!"
Xander snickered from where he stood leaning against the wall by the stairs.
"Please, Buffy, do continue," Giles said in an effort to prevent unneeded staking before he was caught up on the plot (what plot) of the story so far.
"Oh, sorry, Giles. Where was I?"
"I had just killed Angel for calling me a ho," Anya supplied.
Angel scowled, but refrained from speaking this time.
"And then the strangest thing happened. While Xander was reading from this book, Angel fell through the ceiling."
"What?" Giles exclaimed, staring at Xander. He actually paid attention to what was going on.
Xander shrugged. "I was bored. I didn't mean to."
"How did Willow go evil? And where is Tara?" Giles asked.
At the mention of Tara, Buffy's eyes overflowed with tears. Spike, upon seeing the fragile (read: delusional psychotic) slayer so seemingly vulnerable, rushed to comfort her. He walked up to her and enfolded her in his arms. Buffy repaid his kindness with a kick to the nuts.
Spike crumbled to the ground. "But Buffy, I love you!" he squeaked, his voice reaching new heights of falsetto.
Everyone took a moment to try to realize what exactly just happened while Xander went to the kitchen. Spike writhed on the floor in agony. Several seconds ticked by and no one seemed to make the connection. Losers.
Xander reentered the room and tossed the injured vampire and icepack. "Look on the bright side, Blondie. At least you won't be needing those. You can't reproduce."
Angel cleared his throat meaningfully. Xander sighed. "Unless you're a vampire freak of nature."
Dawn cleared her throat, looking pointedly at Spike. Xander took the hint.
"All right, fine! Unless you're Angel which should tell you to use protection, Dawn." He tossed her a box of condoms.
"Ooh! Strawberry-flavored!" Dawn cheered.
Buffy, sensing the change in focus began to wail loudly, tears streaming down her face and forming a small puddle at her feet. Xander handed her a box of tissues.
Buffy took a tissue and dabbed at her eyes and daintily wiped her nose. The she shoved the box into her shirt. Everyone looked at her rectangular cleavage in wonderment.
"Buffy, do please take that box out of your shirt and tell me what is going on."
Buffy immediately stopped crying, happy that she was the center of attention again. "Tara died," she said cheerfully. "That's her body in the bushes."
"Don't you think we should call the police?" Sophie asked, rejoining the story.
"No!" Buffy shouted. Angel has to dismember her corpse and take the pieces to the far reaches of the Earth. That way she can't end the world."
Spike smacked the Slayer on the back of the head. "We already went over that you stupid bint!"
"Tara!" Giles cried. "Now I'll never get to have that threesome with her and Miss Rosenberg!"
Booyah!" Spike, Dawn, and Giles all shouted at once.
Buffy finally recovered from the shock of being physically struck by her mortal enemy turned reluctant ally, turned drunken Love's Bitch, turned mortal enemy, turned reluctant ally, turned obsessed Fool for Love, turned butt monkey sex slave.
"But Spike," she whined. "You love me!"
Spike rolled his eyes. "I'm beneath you! I'm evil! I don't have a soul! I can't love!" he droned mockingly.
Buffy threw herself into Spike's arms. She managed to rip off his jacket, shred his shirt to ribbons, and loudly unzip his fly at the same time. Must be a slayer thing.
The two went upstairs, hitting, punching, slapping, and groping all at the same time.
"Dear Lord!" Giles gasped from where he stood outside the door.
"Boy, when Buffy loses something, she'll do anything to find it, won't she?" Anya remarked.
All of a sudden the gang heard a gasp, a squeal, a thump and three loud bangs as Buffy and Spike fell from the attic to the basement a la Smashed.
Xander winced. "There's no way I'm fixing that."
A sound came from the basement. "Oh, Spike! No. More. False. Copper. Piping! Ooohh!"
Xander shuddered. "On that note…Giles, how's it been?" Xander stepped outside to talk to the Watcher.
"Xander! I thought you were all trapped in the house!" Giles exclaimed.
"Oh, that." Xander waved his hand dismissively at the doorframe. "We're not stuck in there. That's already happened once this season, er year."
"Then why is Buffy so insistent that I'll get trapped if I enter?"
"Because the only thing she listens to anymore are her raging hormones."
Giles sputtered. "Why not inform anyone else then?"
Xander gave Giles a look. "When has anyone ever listened to me?"
Giles shrugged. "I guess you have a point there, Xander."
"So, need anything while I'm out here, G-Man? A book? Tea? Some scones?"
"Why thank you," Giles said, taking the items from the young man. "You're certainly being a gracious host."
Xander shrugged. "Well, what else am I going to do while Buffy and Spike are having sex?"
Giles stared at him blankly for a moment, then burst out laughing. Xander joined him. It was good to have someone back that realized what was going on with everyone.
"On that note, I'll go back inside and make stupid, meaningless jokes now. See ya, Giles."
Xander headed over to the couch where he saw that Willow was starting to wake up. He handed her a bottle of water, then realized that her arms were still chained to the couch. So, he took out a bendy straw, and put it in the bottle, and stuck the straw in her mouth. Didn't want her going into withdrawal after all.
"That was my bendy straw you cold, heartless bitch!" Giles cried from where he sat on the porch drinking his tea and eating his scones.
"What!" Buffy shouted from the basement.
"Wasn't Buffy upstairs just a moment ago?" Dawn asked. Everyone ignored her.
"Not you!" Giles shouted back. "Although…" he shrugged and let the opportunity for insult slip by. "Go back to your sex!"
Buffy happily obliged.
Willow, who hadn't heard a word of Buffy and Giles' exchange, looked up at Xander. "What happened? What's going on? Why am I chained to the couch?"
"You finally got tired of your wardrobe and went a little crazy. You tried to kill us all, so we pelted you with water bottles and chained you up. That's about it. Want some more water?"
"Uh, ok," Willow answered accepting some more water. "But where's Tara? Every time I have a physical or emotional crisis, she's there for me." Willow looked at Xander. "She kind of replaced you that way."
Xander couldn't meet Willow's eyes. How was he going to tell her about Tara? Better yet, how could he tell her and keep her from killing him after he told her?
Willow paled. "Oh, Goddess! Something's happened to Tara, hasn't it? If she's dead, I don't know what I'll do. I might just go crazy and go on a mad, sadistic, dark magic killing spree!"
Xander smiled at Willow nervously. He could do this, he told himself. He could break this horrible news to her. Then why wasn't he speaking?
Willow scowled at his unanswering visage. Then she whipped out her most deadly weapon, The Resolve Face. All of Xander's courage fled in an instant. "I'll be right back, Willow."
Xander ran to the coffee table, picked up the still conveniently placed book, opened to a random page, and began reading aloud the Latin written there. When Xander heard Giles' scream of terror, he turned to see Tara burst through the front door, much the same way Buffy always burst through the door of Spike's crypt.
"Did you know that my body was in the bushes?" she asked, one hand on her hip, the other picking a few leaves out of her hair.
"Yes!" the whole house seemed to shout.
"Tara!" Willow shouted in delight from where she was still chained up on the couch. Tara eyed the chains appreciatively.
"Now we can have that threesome!" Spike, Dawn, and Giles all said at once, even though Spike was still in the basement. A loud smack was heard as Buffy brought her undead, soulless, yet somehow not evil enough to lose audience sympathy lover back to the present goings on. There was no way she was going to let her well-endowed sex slave anywhere near the two witches.
Xander and Tara unchained Willow and the two Sapphic witches settled into the couch. Neither questioned the fact that Xander had resurrected someone. Again. Still with no use of baby deer blood or puking up a snake. Though Tara did offer him a smile as thanks. Xander handed them a book of spells (heh, heh) before going to see what Anya was doing.
Angel looked over at Willow and Tara and saw how happy they were on the couch. He also wondered when they were going to get a room or if he was going to get a free show. But what he really noticed was how happy the two were together. Yeah. Right.
He looked over at Dawn. Her tongue went into his eyeball since he forgot she was still licking his ear. He blinked a few times to clear his vision. He saw Dawn sitting there, a lustful gleam in here eye, and realized that while they could make out until the end of they world, they'd never be truly happy. He sighed heavily as The Angst overtook him.
"Why are you looking at me like that, Butthead?" Dawn asked.
Angel blinked. Oh yeah. Never perfectly happy. He composed his face to look as guilt ridden as possible. He ran his hand through his hair and frowned at how flat it was starting to get. Then he looked back at Dawn and forced himself to focus on what he was brooding about first. He could worry about his hair later.
"Dawn, I know that we love each other, and that you're a much better…kisser than your sister was at your age, but we can never live truly happily ever after. Since we can't just love each other and not have sex, I have to go."
"What? You're leaving me?"
Angel looked at Dawn and paused. She wasn't crying and falling apart like Buffy had done. In fact, she looked kind of…pissed off. And vengeful. And quite murderous. She took after Spike that way.
Angel suddenly cowered in fear. "I have to go…to the bathroom. I need to pee."
Dawn looked at him strangely as he bolted for the bathroom at lightning speed.
Angel looked into the mirror and gave his non-existent reflection a pep talk. "Okay, Angel. You can do this. You were the Scourge of Europe for over a hundred years. You can break up with a sixteen year old girl."
Angel put on what he thought was his resolve face and lumbered out the bathroom door. He walked down the stairs and headed toward Dawn, but at the last minute decided to grab Xander and use him as a human shield.
"Hey!" Xander cried as Angel dragged him away from his conversation with Anya and Halfrek. "Hallie was just about to tell me the secret of the universe!"
Angel slapped Xander upside the head. "Shut up and protect me!"
Angel strode back over to Dawn still holding Xander in front of anything vital. "Now Dawn, I know this is hard, but I have to leave you. And not just to go to the bathroom."
"What?" Dawn gasped.
"He's breaking up with you," Xander informed her. "For your own good, not because he's too much of a horn dog to be around you and not have sex with you."
"What the hell?" Dawn shouted. "You let us sit around all this time and make out and then you all of a sudden decide that it's over?"
Angel shrugged from behind Xander. "Uh, yeah."
Dawn's face contorted in fury. "Then you better get out of here in the next five seconds before I decide dusting you is worth having to drag out the vacuum cleaner and clean up afterwards." Oh yeah, definitely some of Spike's influence there.
Angel ran up the stairs, keeping hold of Xander as he went. He got to the top and patted Xander on the back. "Thanks for the help, man," he told him.
Then he pushed him down the stairs as he continued to escape to the depths of the second floor.
Xander tumbled down to the bottom of the stairs. After he came to a stop, he stood up angrily and brushed himself off. A little stumble like that didn't hurt him. He'd been through from Buffy's bedroom window before and gotten right back up, after all. "And everyone wonders why I never liked you," he grumbled. "Bastard!"
"Get out, Get out, GET OUT!" Dawn shouted.
Everyone stared at her. She shrugged. "Well, I hadn't said it in at least half and hour. People were starting to wonder." She went to the couch for comfort from Willow and Tara, but not in a gay way.
Suddenly a scream and a crash was heard as an Angel shaped body fell through the Buffy and Spike shaped hole made in the floor and into the basement.
"Ow! Bloody hell! Get off!" Spike shouted.
"Oh! A little to the left, Angel," Buffy demanded. "Oooh! That's better."
Spike, thoroughly disgusted that Buffy wanted Angel in their little tryst, shoved Angel off of them. The two of them chased him up the stairs.
"Shut up," Angel yelled when he saw Xander laughing at him. "Just shut up!" He stormed back up the stairs once again, this time being careful to avoid any conspicuous holes created from lovemaking.
"Great Scott!" Giles yelled when he spotted Buffy and Spike. Xander threw a roll of toilet paper at him.
Buffy blushed and tried to cover her scantily clad form. Spike just strutted around like the sweet transvestite that he was. Halfrek wolf whistled at the sight. Xander threw him his duster. The duster/negligee/fishnet ensemble worked nicely for him actually.
"Hey," Tara said, pointing to Buffy's bra/torn slip combo. "I have an outfit just like that!" That being said, she went back to being Dawn's mother figure. And Willow's too, come to think of it.
"Tara!" Buffy cried, just now noticing her body wasn't in the bushes any longer. "You're back from the dead! But how?"
Tara opened her mouth, intending to tell the story of how Xander brought her back from the dead out of fear of Willow's potential to break down and end the world in a fiery blaze of glory (not Glory) if something had happened to her significant other. But, Buffy, now that she had started her lament of happiness and questions, was blind to the fact there were actually answers to her questions. She was having a Monologue Moment and no one was going to stop her.
"How could you have come back from the dead? You're not a Slayer, like me, or a souled vampire, like Angel. You shouldn't be able to come back. You're too normal! Is this some sort of catch for being a lesbian?" Buffy paused for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of the imagined concept of lesbian-gained immortality versus never having wild monkey sex with Spike again. Mmm, Spike. Those eyes. That body. That sex drive! He'd been such a wonderful…distraction ever since she'd been pulled out of…
"Oh no!" Buffy suddenly gasped as her thought processes brought her to horrible conclusions. "You were pulled from heeea-ven! You must feel detached and alone, unable to reconnect and feel and real emotions." Another horrifying thought occurred to her. "You can NOT use Spike for sex!" She growled. She moved between the recently resurrected witch and her post-return security sex blanket.
Tara gave Spike a knowing look before turning back to Willow. Buffy stomped her white high-heeled pump in frustration because she was quickly losing control of the situation. Tara turned at the stomp and smirked at the diminutive blonde.
Buffy looked at Tara in shock. "Tara…you're smirking? You're not supposed to smirk. You're supposed to stammer through your sentences and be ultra supportive. You can't become snarky. That's Spike's job. And I can't have sex with both you and Spike."
"Eww! I heard that!" Angel yelled from upstairs.
"Shut your gob, you annoying poofter!" Xander and Spike yelled at the soulful, voluntarily exiled vampire simultaneously. The two looked at each other, not sure whether they should be happy or frightened that they shared the same thought.
Buffy was suddenly turned on by Xander's newfound snarkiness. She never noticed how alike their senses of sarcasm were before. And after returning from heea-ven, Tara seemed to have a snarky attitude of her own. Buffy wondered if it was wrong for Slayers to have orgies.
"Buffy does have a point, for once," Anya pointed out. "You're missing your shy nature, Tara. Why is that?"
Tara smiled cheerily. "I got a backbone while I was in heeea-ven instead of becoming whiny and anorexic looking like some people."
No one could argue with the Backbone Tara's statement. Of course, most people in the room were no longer using their higher brain functions either.
"Hey, anybody want to blow something up?" Xander asked out of nowhere.
The entire populace of the Summers' household turned and stared at the young man, blinking like cows on Prozac.
"Or not," Xander amended.