Too all who have waited, patiently. Thanx. I'm having computer problems.
But on to the next part.
John sat in the chair across from Weir's desk, eyes locked on her face as he explained his desire to return to the planet. He watched as she heard him out but he knew, even before she replied, what she was going to say.
"No, I'm sorry, Major," Elizabeth stated. "I can't allow you and your team to return."
"Why not?" John asked without any anger. He was distantly curious.
Rising from behind her desk, Elizabeth moved to stand before him, hip resting on the edge of the table top. "If you go back, what's to stop those people from messing with your minds again? From torturing you and your team? We have no defense against them."
John nodded. He understood what she was saying and why. In truth, he agreed with her. "We don't even know if they were real," he said, more to himself than to Weir.
"I'm sorry, John," Elizabeth said, and her eyes revealed her sincerity.
"I know." He let her off the hook, not wanting her to feel guilty about doing her job. "It's hard on the others...not knowing why it happened. Wondering what made them mess with us like that." He offered a wry smile. "That whole...we came in peace but they sent us back in pieces...thing."
Elizabeth nodded, looking regretful. "I've locked that address out of the gate. I think it's for the best."
John didn't disagree. "I'm sure it is. I'll tell Rodney, and I'll tell Ford and Teyla if it comes up." He pushed out of the chair and made for the door when she called him back. He turned to find her watching him with concern shadowing her eyes. "What?" he prompted.
"You said it's hard on the others," Elizabeth commented. "But what about you? You seem like you're okay now. Are you?"
"I think so," John replied, and he wanted to convince her that it was true. That he was alright, because he didn't feel anything anymore, not that he could tell her that. He just simply wanted Elizabeth to believe it, because he knew that she needed him to be okay.
Moving to his side, Elizabeth said, "Are you going to continue with group therapy?"
John nodded. "I think it's for the best." With that he smiled brightly then headed out. But John didn't go in search of Rodney. Instead he made his way to the gym and spent an hour beating the crap out of the heavy bag. He only stopped because his burning muscles began cramping and his legs were quivering too much to hold him. John had to sit on the floor for a time before he was able to return to his room. A long hot shower eased the cramps from his muscles, but he was still exhausted. Enough to curl up on his bed and drift into a dreamless sleep.
When John woke up he still felt tired, but he shook off his lethargy and left his room, making his way to the mess hall. Once there he realized he wasn't really hungry, but he grabbed a sandwich and made himself eat half of it. He wrapped up the other half and headed for Rodney's lab. McKay was in pretty much the same spot as he had been when John left him earlier. "I spoke to Weir," John said as he approached.
Rodney didn't look up from his laptop. "I know. She came to see me. She thought you had already discussed her decision. Imagine her surprise when she was the one to let me know she'd refused your request." There was clear accusation in Rodney's tone.
"Sorry I didn't get back to you," John apologized. "Do Ford and Teyla know?"
"They're not back yet. They called in to say they're spending the night on the mainland." Rodney stopped typing, lifting his head to glare at John.
John realized Rodney was angry with him and he knew it should bother him, but it didn't. He offered the other half of his sandwich. "Hungry?"
Rodney looked like he was going to refuse, but then he snatched the proffering and unwrapped it. After taking a big bite he said around it, "Any more brilliant ideas to fix us?"
"Fresh out of ideas at the moment, Rodney," John confessed. "But we'll figure something out."
"Well..." Rodney paused to swallow then turned back to his laptop. "Go figure on your own time, preferably somewhere else. I'm busy."
John took the hint to leave Rodney alone for now. He thought maybe he would check in with Beckett and ask his advice about what to try next, but instead John found himself wandering out onto the nearest balcony. He sat down next to the railing, knees drawn up, and watched the stars play out across the midnight sky. He found himself dozing off so he dragged himself back to his room and flopped face down on his bed without undressing or even removing his shoes. John drifted into a hazy darkness filled with shadowy dreams.
Ford and Teyla returned the next day. John ran into Teyla in the mess hall at breakfast and they chatted, amiably enough, about her trip. John then asked if she was feeling up to a sparring session and after her promised her he was feeling up to it and that Beckett didn't have him still grounded from such activity, Teyla agreed to meet him in the gym in an hour.
John left her then and headed out to find Ford. His 2IC was in the armory, taking inventory. John grabbed a clipboard and worked with him, asking about his trip to the mainland. He knew the trip hadn't helped when Ford's replies were short and clipped. There was tension in the air that John could sense. Ford was angry. "I asked Dr. Weir about going back to the planet," John said, conversationally. He watched Ford for a reaction and he got one.
Ford looked upset and scared. "What did she say?"
"She said no." John watched relief and frustration play across Ford's face. "I have to agree with her," John continued. "We were defenseless the last time, there's no way to protect ourselves from it happening again."
"I know." Ford's voice was hoarse and his slim body shuddered. "I don't want to go back, sir. I just want to understand why this happened. Why they did what they did to us!"
John reached out and clapped Ford on the shoulder, feeling the muscle clench under his hand. "I know. I wish I had answers for you. But we'll get through this, Lieutenant. Keep the faith."
Ford sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, fingers digging into his eyes as if to hold back tears. "Sounds good in theory, sir. But I can't take much more of this."
"You're stronger than you know," John stated firmly. He watched Ford's head lift and then the dark eyes were focused on him.
"Not so strong at all," Ford whispered. "Not like you."
John wished he could explain to him how to deal with this. He wished he could make it happen for Ford and Rodney and Teyla. But he didn't know how to do that. Not yet. A thought occurred. Maybe he could distract them for a while. "How about a group movie tonight? Just the four of us. I smuggled Monty Python and the Holy Grail with me."
Ford managed a shaky grin. "Cool movie, sir. Might be fun," he allowed. "Guess I'm in."
"Good." John smiled back, a curving of his lips that he didn't feel. "I'll tell Rodney and Teyla. Speaking of Teyla..." John glanced at his watch. "I have an appointment to get my butt kicked." Another smile then John was out the door.
After his session with Teyla, John felt like crawling into the shower. Not so much because he felt new aches and pains but because he was exhausted. But he stayed awake long enough to soap up, rinse off, get dried and slip on boxers and a tee shirt. Then he crawled under the covers and he didn't wake up until it was almost time to meet the others for the movie. John jumped in the shower again, the water cold enough to wash away his lingering fuzziness. He was glad he had asked Teyla to tell Rodney about the movie, otherwise McKay wouldn't have been informed. Plus he had made Teyla promise to make sure Rodney show up. She had a way of making Rodney do things without realizing he was doing them. Which translated into doing them with less bitching than normal.
After glancing at his watch, John dressed quickly in jeans and a long-sleeved dark t-shirt. He stuffed his feet into sneakers then ran his fingers through his damp hair before grabbing the DVD. He felt a hollowness in his stomach and realized he hadn't eaten since breakfast, and it was long past suppertime. It occurred to John to wonder why no one had bothered him during all those hours, but he let it slide. His focus was on what he could do tonight to distract his team from their demons.
John was pleased to be the first one in the TV room. He set things up, which included making popcorn, and everything was ready when Ford showed up. Soon after, Teyla arrived with Rodney in tow. John gestured for them to sit, he passed out the popcorn, then he grabbed the remote. When the movie flicked on he moved to sit beside Teyla on the couch. No one talked as all eyes were glued on the big screen. John felt himself watching the movie and remembering all the funny bits without feeling the desire to laugh at them. Instead he found himself drifting off, his mind bringing up images of the tortures he had witnessed.
After a time those images faded and darkness encompassed John. He felt tired enough to slide into it.
"Major?"
John recognized the voice calling him as Teyla's, but he chose to ignore it.
But Teyla was persistent. "Major...are you alright?"
"Wh-what?" John croaked, peeling his eyes open. Only to realize that he was lying down with his head in Teyla's lap. She was leaning over him, her dark eyes clouded with worry. "Uh...I'm fine," John whispered, pushing himself upright. He ran a hand through his hair and looked around. "What?"
"You fell asleep," Rodney stated, and he sounded annoyed.
John looked at the TV screen and realized the movie was over. "I'm sorry. Guess I was tired."
Rodney snorted. "Aren't we all? Must be nice to be able to sleep."
"Are you sure that you're all right, Major?" Teyla interjected, as she touched John's hand to draw his attention.
"I'm fine," he assured her, but it wasn't the complete truth. John felt weighted down, his muscles sluggish and his thoughts fuzzy in spite of the fact that he had pretty much slept the entire day away. But he forced a smile to reassure Teyla. "Guess I'm trying to catch up on all the sleep I've missed."
Rodney rose from the chair he had been ensconced in and moved to glare at John. "So what's the deal? Is Beckett slipping you better drugs than he gave the rest of us? Is that why you're suddenly sleeping like a baby?"
John thought of his dreams. Horrific images of the tortures, Sumner's death, other deaths from his past. He should have been shaking and slicked in a cold sweat like in the past, but there was nothing there but a slight dizziness and the clenching twist of his stomach. And both things John attributed to being way past starving. Although the sudden thought of food made him feel a bit nauseous. "I'm not on drugs, Rodney," John said quietly, meeting the other man's gaze. "I just...I've accepted what happened and I'm letting myself move past it. If I could help you do the same, I would."
"Right...sure. It's that simple!" Rodney's face turned red, a vein throbbed in his temple and he looked ready to explode. "It's not fair! " He snarled. "You should be suffering with the rest of us!
"Dr. McKay!" Teyla's tone was sharp and cutting and she looked angry as she glared at Rodney. Angry yet resigned.
John reached out to touch her arm. "It's okay," he said softly. "I don't blame Rodney for being pissed at me." And John meant it. He didn't blame Rodney, and he could see that Ford was feeling the same way as McKay. John could guess that Teyla had the same thoughts but wanted to suppress or deny them. A part of John rather hoped that maybe this anger would help his team. Maybe if they got pissed enough at him, if they had someone to direct their fear and anger at...maybe that would help them move past the trauma and they could finally start to heal. "Be as mad at me as you like," he told them. "Maybe we could do another group session with Kate and she could help you find a way to channel that anger into something productive."
Rodney laughed, a cold sound lacking humor. "Just where did you get your psychology degree, Major? A crackerjack box?" That said, Rodney turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.
"Ford?" John was hopeful, but the kid just shook his head and left in Rodney's wake. John looked at Teyla. "It's okay to be mad at me," he whispered.
"No...I don't think that it is," Teyla replied. She looked sad and worn out as she rose to her feet and, silently, glided away.
Heaving a sigh, John got up as well. He retrieved his DVD, turned everything off then headed to his room. Once there he stripped down to his boxers and his t-shirt. Feeling a bit cold, John pulled on a pair of comfortable sweat pants and crawled into bed. He was still tired but a little too wired to sleep at the moment, so he grabbed War and Peace and started reading. Page 32.
Gradually the words blurred and he let his eyes close. John drifted into darkness and dreamed again. Only this time when he came awake he had to bite his lip until it bled to keep from screaming. Without conscious awareness, John made the lights come on even as he stuffed himself into the far corner of his room, heart thudding hard against his rib cage, skin slicked in a cold sweat, body trembling and his lungs burning as he tried to suck in air.
John rocked in his box, eyes squeezed shut, fighting the demons no one else could see or hear. Demons that danced in his head and mocked him with their laughter.