Andromeda didn't come over on any more visits to our house. Aunt Elladora said she didn't feel well. Mother always made sympathetic comments to Aunt Elladora's face, but snide remarks behind her back. I didn't have a lot of time to think about the implications of Andromeda's "illness." I saw her only once the whole rest of the summer, and that was to say good-bye to Sirius before he left for Hogwarts.

Sirius and Narcissa went to Diagon Alley together to get wands. They went at the beginning of August to avoid the rush—Mother and Father didn't want to be around "all those pathetic families with their dirty children" who would be scrounging around the stores just before school started. I was incredibly jealous. Rows and rows of shops stood before me, offering me wands and robes, books, sweets, brooms, and dozens of other rarities and treats.

All of my earlier fears were forgotten and I longed to go to Hogwarts too. Father told me all about House Slytherin where he had lived, about the lordly common rooms in the dungeons of the castle with their beautiful black, stone walls and the silver draperies. Mother told us about our ancestor, Phineas Nigellus, who had been Headmaster at Hogwarts, a real honor! I wished I could be Headmaster one day and lord over the whole school, though I didn't even know what Hogwarts looked like. I knew Phineas. He had a portrait in one of the bedrooms, and although he was almost never in it, sometimes he used to come by; there was a portrait of one of his nieces in the dining room that he liked to visit. Phineas used to say that I was a little tadpole that wanted fattening up. He used to say that Sirius was a sour little brat.

I stared at Sirius' wand with unequalled admiration. I even helped him sneak a peek at it a few days later—it was immediately taken away from him after the purchase and hidden in a cupboard until it was time for him to leave. He tried to cast a curse with it and Father took it away again and locked it up good this time. But nothing could stop our mutual awe at the thought of wands. We even got to talking a bit. Sirius admitted to me that he was a little scared to go away, but excited too. He told me about his worries where the family honor was concerned and how tired he was of having everyone expecting him to carry on the tradition. As the day approached, I grew despondent. I didn't want my brother to leave. Sirius was my only real companion. I had almost no friends, we had only the owl, Mercury, as a pet, and a black cat named Bath who only fancied my mother and used to scratch anyone else who came near her and spent most of her time under my mother's bed. She was already old and fat by the time I was six and she was dead before I went to Hogwarts.

At the same time, I felt that Sirius was incredibly ungrateful for all his opportunities. Didn't he realize how much I would love to get the chance to go to Hogwarts, to be heir to the family, to have everyone look up to me? He pushed everyone away with his behavior, and then he expected us to pity him for it. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just listened silently, and that seemed to suit him fine.

The only comfort I had was the hope that, in the absence of Sirius, Mother would pay me more attention. As it was, in the days leading up to Sirius' departure, she spent every minute of her time preparing him for his education.

Aug 31st, 1971

Number 12, Grimmauld Place

I sat very sullenly on the edge of my bed while Mother packed things into my trunks. Tomorrow I would be riding the Hogwarts Express on the way to my first year at school. Tonight, Mother was preparing my luggage, placing it all into several trunks bearing the name "Master S. Black." I got them as a gift from my great uncle.

"I can do that myself," I said, watching Mother discard certain of my books as "childish" and "unnecessary." They were the same books which I would have made certain to pack first.

"I think it's better if I do it," she responded without even looking at me.

"They're my things," I declared hotly. "And it's my life. Maybe I wanted that," I said as she threw a charmed breath mint tin into the waste bin. It didn't have any breath mints in it anymore, but the lid was covered with psychedelic colors and patterns which swirled and changed with the room temperature. One of my friends had given it to me a few years ago. He wasn't going to Hogwarts because his parents were protesting the new Headmaster, Headmaster Dumbledore, and I hardly saw him anymore.

"It was trash. It didn't do anything," Mother replied flippantly.

"But I liked it," I muttered. I kicked my heels against the foot of the bed as she tossed out a bottle of color-changing ink. The ink continuously changed colors even after it had been applied to parchment. In made things a little hard to read, admittedly, but it was totally cool. "That…" I began.

"Hogwarts does not allow this sort of nonsense, I am sure." Mother waved her hand irritably. "And it made things impossible to read. Stop kicking."

I let my legs drum to a halt.

Mother packed the grey cap and scarf I had gotten for Christmas. "Don't forget to keep warm," she said absently. I didn't reply. She packed all the robes I had gotten for Christmas, too, which lay untouched in a corner of my closet. Then she went back to my dresser and picked up my signet ring, equally forgotten.

She moved the ring towards my hand as though to slip in on my finger, but I batted the ring away, letting it drop to the wooden floorboards below. "It's heavy," I muttered.

"You ought to be proud to wear it," Mother scolded. "It represents your family: hundreds of generations of pure, honorable wizards." I knew what she meant. There was a huge tapestry hanging in the house with our whole family line traced out in a sprawling tree. "Wear it for their sake."

"Why do I always have to do everything for the family?" I asked sourly. "Why can't I do things for me sometimes? How come I never get to do what I want?"

"Oh, Sirius," she sighed, and for the first time in my life I thought my mother looked tired and old. Slowly, she sat down on the edge of my bed and looked me in the eye. "Sirius, sometimes we have to work hard to get what we want, even though it may seem unpleasant at the time…"

"This isn't what I want," I reminded her. "I never asked to be the heir. This is what you want. Bellatrix said you were always jealous of Aunt Elladora and you're getting your revenge through me."

Mother turned very pale and set her mouth in a grim line. "Bellatrix is a clever young witch. But she doesn't know everything," she said coldly. "And if she thinks Elladora isn't using her for her own purposes, she's gravely mistaken."

"Mother, please listen," I began after taking a long breath. "I don't want all this responsibility. Let Bellatrix have it if she wants it so badly…"

This was the wrong thing to say. "No!" My mother screeched as though I had just stuck her with a needle. "You were born to be the heir. Do you think I did all I've done for you so you could just waste your life away like your father?" I'd never heard her openly accuse Father like that. Sometimes she made snide remarks, but mostly she seemed content. I was a little surprised. "I have fought to get where I am, and I have fought to get you to where you are. I've made certain you had everything you needed to become the greatest wizard this country has seen in decades." She was getting quite excited, she had even grasped my hand and she was squeezing it tightly between her own. "My own son has the chance to become the head of the Black Family, to have all the power and wealth he wants, my little Sirius! And I'll be damned before I let him throw it all away! No, Sirius! You will be great someday. I will make you great."

She was frightening me. Her eyes had grown round and wide and she seemed to be staring at me as though she wanted to see right through my skin and muscle and bone and straight into my soul. I was shaking my head throughout her speech and trying to pull my hand away, but she was holding it so tightly.

"I…I don't want to," I whispered, but Mother took my head in her hands, her palms pressed against my cheeks.

"You must, Sirius. You will."

I thought about Christmas, and the discussion about the Muggles and the mudbloods and all the senseless killing. I thought about Grigorus who died over a piece of toast and didn't get his head on a plaque. I thought of the wall lined with house-elf heads. I didn't want to be the master of all of this. I was scared. I wanted to do broom racing, and chase Regulus around the park, and learn how to turn an ink bottle into a tortoise.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Father and Regulus standing in the doorway. They had probably been attracted by the commotion. Regulus was staring at me with his big, questioning eyes.

"Regulus," I cried. My father had his hand on Regulus' shoulder. I looked up at him. I remembered how he had sometimes been sympathetic and stood up for me. "Father, help me." I struggled out of Mother's grip. "I don't want to do this. Please. I don't want any of this."

"He's worried about going to school," Mother said. She had grown calm again, and her voice was cool and hard as usual. She looked straight at Father. "It's normal for a young boy to be scared of something new."

"Of course, Sirius," Father said. "It's normal to be scared. But you have nothing to worry about."

"I'm not worried about school," I protested. "Can't you see the way she pushes me around? She's trying to make me…"

Mother placed a restraining arm on my shoulder as I tried to get off the bed. "That's enough, Sirius. These hysterics do not suit you. Leave him to me, Alonso. I'll sort him out." She said to my father.

Father merely shrugged. I looked to Regulus. He was half cowering behind Father. "Reggie," I pleaded. "Don't go. Talk to Mother. Explain how I feel. She won't listen to me. Please, Reggie, I need your help."

Regulus came forward. He kept looking at the rug, but he opened his mouth and began to speak. Mother cut him off right away. "I said I would take care of Sirius. You two go on and get ready to go. We're leaving bright and early." Her voice was authoritative. She stared hard at Father until he stepped forward and put his arm around Regulus. He started to lead Regulus away.

"Please, you guys," I called after them. "You're turning your backs on me. Regulus!"

Regulus turned around again and looked at me, but Father said calmly, "We're not turning our backs on you, Sirius. But it would be better for everyone if you listened to your mother." So saying, he walked on. Regulus gave me a last shrug. Then he too turned and walked away.

Mother closed the door after them with a flick of her wand. "They left me," I murmured and fell back down onto the bed, but Mother shook her head and bent over to pick up the ring from where I had let it fall. She held up the ring in the light for a moment, admiring the way the shimmering rays glanced off the dark stone. Then she produced a thin, silver chain and slid the ring onto it.

"They're being sensible," she said. Now she was quiet and tired again. She pulled me forward and lifted the chain over my head and around my neck. "You don't have to wear it on your finger if you don't want to," she sighed. "But keep it close to you. This is your family. Remember that, Sirius." She straightened me up again, tucked the ring under my shirt collar, and put her hand against my cheek. "I'm not your enemy, Sirius. I'm trying to raise you to be the best that you can be. You are the hope of the family. Make us proud."

She leant forward and kissed me on the cheek. Then she closed my suitcase, levitated it with her wand, and took it with her to the doorway. "Go to sleep now. Tomorrow is a busy day. Knox."

The light went out and I was left to think of my Father and Regulus' betrayal in the dark.