Snow Falling Softly

by mackillian

AU PC Sub Rosa, Bloodlines, Journey's End entirely differently. No Ronin, but three very intriguing people that change the lives of Picard and Beverly. Completed.

7. Chapter 7

Snow Falling Softly VII

When Beverly Crusher materialized in the transporter room of the Enterprise, the familiarity of the ship brushed over her, a recognition of her home. No, not my home. I left my home on the planet below us, that is my home now. Yet she still felt at home aboard the ship as the group made their way out of the transporter room. Beverly observed her children carefully, watching how they each reacted to being on a starship for the first time. They'd all been in space, but they had never been on a Starfleet vessel, much less a Galaxy-class starship.

Allie seemed nonplussed over the entire matter. For her, a ship couldn't hold her interest for long. Space travel was a means to an end, a way for her to get where she needed to be. Her idea of exploration remained with understanding animals and how to heal them, not in flying through the stars. She walked next to the counselor, asking her questions that Beverly couldn't hear.

Up ahead, Gracie maintained her hold on the captain. Now the questions she threw at him were about the ship, about space, about what it was like to be a captain. As they made their way to the turbolift, her gray eyes were opened as wide as she could get them, taking in every detail of the ship. Occasionally, she'd turn around and make faces at Andrew, who walked beside Beverly.

As for Andrew, Beverly had a hard time figuring out if he was incredibly interested in the ship or didn't care about the ship at all. He didn't say much, and anything he asked was in a very hushed tone. His attention seemed to be on everything and nothing all at once. The boy didn't notice his little sister making faces at him. Shrugged off comments from Beverly about the Enterprise. Then she remembered Gracie's comment to Deanna, about Andrew really wanting to see the ship. Suddenly, his behavior made sense--he was hiding his interest, almost with a desperation. Beverly couldn't fathom why. She wrestled with the urge to take him aside, speak to him about what scared him about letting others know his dreams. But, at the same time, she knew exactly what scared people about revealing dreams. Sometimes, you got scared that those dreams would hurt others, that the very dreams that you held dear could cause someone else to hate you for them.

She knew a lot about those kinds of dreams.

Before they reached the turbolift, Deanna excused herself from the group. They had barely entered the turbolift when Geordi LaForge's voice carried over Picard's communicator. "LaForge to Captain Picard," he said.

Picard tapped his communicator. "Picard here."

"Captain, Data and I have some readings from the planet's weather modification net that we'd like to discuss with you. Could you come down to engineering so we can brief you?"

With a slight grimace, Picard said, "On my way, Commander. Picard out."

Gracie glared up at the captain. "You're ditching us."

"I most certainly am not," he said.

"I don't know, Captain," said Allie. "Seems like you going to Engineering and leaving us with Beverly is a lot like ditching."

"See," said Gracie.

Picard sighed. "I will make it up to you, I promise," he said. "I will meet you for dinner in Ten-Forward if I have to ditch every other person on this ship. Understood?"

Gracie nodded. "Good."

Picard fought a smile. "Your cousin is completely capable of giving you a tour of the ship herself, and you'll be allowed to see whatever parts of the ship that she sees fit to show you."

The little girl followed him when he exited the turbolift in Engineering. Shrugging, the rest of the group followed her lead. The captain stopped short of the main section of Engineering. "I think I'm being followed," he said, knowing that Gracie was a scant three paces behind him.

"I thought you could tell us about Engineering since you're here, then you can stay and we can keep touring," Gracie said, matter-of-fact.

"Sounds like an order," Picard said, rubbing his chin.

"Wouldn't disobey it if I were you," Andrew muttered.

The captain turned, eyebrow raised. "What was that?"

Andrew looked at him. "Disobeying an order from that munchkin is generally a bad idea. She'll make your life miserable." Then Andrew seemed to get a better idea. "Actually, disobeying an order from any Howard woman usually turns out to be a bad idea."

Allie punched him in the arm.

Picard nodded. "I know exactly what you mean."

Beverly shot the captain a look of her own.

Gracie took Picard's hand. "Come on, Captain." Once in the main room, the captain introduced the group to Geordi and Data. Allie fell back and talked with Beverly as Andrew and Gracie followed the Chief Engineer around the deck, eyes barely able to stay off the thrumming warp core. As Beverly watched them, Gracie now holding her brother's hand, she wished she could provide them with what they obviously wished for--to be on a starship. Where Allie had her roots firmly entrenched in the ground, already knowing that a planet was where she belonged, Andrew and Gracie already had their heads in the stars. More so than her brother and sister, Allie's choice was a reflection of her heritage. Not only was she so much like her great-grandfather, she was also like her grandfather on Jean-Luc's side. Tied to the soil, content to raise crops of grapes and produce outstanding vintages of wine. Jean-Luc had followed his heart into the stars, unlike his brother Robert, the children's uncle. Allie would get along with him so well, understanding the choices he had made better than Jean-Luc could, perhaps even serve as a bridge between the two men.

But that could never be. Instead, Allie would remain on Caldos with her family. Andrew and Gracie would stay on the planet, staring up at the stars instead of playing amongst them. Beverly knew she was the one taking these things away from them all. The doctor realized Allie was talking about riding with the captain.

"He's not so bad at all. Like Wesley had said in his letters, the man really warms up once he gets to know you and relaxes. He knows so much, too. Not just about starships and things, but he reads a lot, like we do. We talked about Beowulf," she grinned.

Beverly grinned back. "Let me guess, he likes your translation better than Andrews."

Allie shook her head. "Not exactly. It's like he understood where we were both coming from, explaining to me that we each appreciated different aspects of the work, and our choices in translation reflect that. That Andrew loves a good story, language that's formed well, and that I prefer accuracy and historical detail over an engaging tale in any language. And that either view wasn't necessarily better than the other, just different."

"He's a wise man," Beverly said.

"Yeah," said Allie. "So what's the deal with him and you?"

Beverly raised an eyebrow. "The deal?"

"Oh, come on. Don't play ignorant. There's something there. The way he looks at you when he thinks no one's looking. The way you look at him when you think no one's listening. You'd have to be stupid not to see it."

You'd have to be stupid to throw it away, Beverly thought. "Maybe I am stupid," she said aloud.

Allie snorted in derision. "Sure. You're avoiding the question."

Beverly made her face as straight as she could possibly get it. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Then she summoned Andrew and Gracie over to release the officers from their grasp and let the two commanders go about briefing the captain, also effectively throwing Allie off the path of her questioning. Beverly decided to first take them to an observation lounge, so they could see the planet from orbit, and see the stars when they didn't twinkle.

The moment the lounge doors opened, Andrew and Gracie bolted to one of the large transparent aluminum windows. "You could almost touch it," Gracie said.

Andrew crouched down to Gracie's level. "Almost," he said.

"The stars don't wink at you up here," she said.

"That's because they don't think you're pretty," Andrew replied.

Gracie pushed her brother. "Captain Picard thinks I'm pretty," she said.

"The captain's in love with all the girls," Andrew said, trying to hide a smile with very little success.

"No. I think he only loves one." That matter-of-fact tone again.

"Is he your paramour now?"

Gracie looked over at Andrew. "A para-what?"

He sighed, eyes remaining on the view before him. "Paramour. Remember, when I told you the story about Tristan and Isolde, or even about King Arthur, with Lancelot and Gwenivere?"

"I remember," she said. "He's not my paramour. He's Beverly's."

The comment drew the boy's eyes away from the stars to face his sister. "Is that so?"

She nodded solemnly and turned her attention back to the stars. "I wish we could stay up here forever," she said quietly.

Andrew said nothing.

From their spot close to the door, Beverly and Allie could hear everything. Gracie continued to chat with Andrew as the two kept looking outside into space. How had her children ended up so observant? "Andrew thinks the same thing," Allie whispered. Unlike her younger sister, she had a full grasp of what whispering was. Her words reached Beverly's ears alone.

Of course he does. "He told you that?" she asked.

"No. He doesn't tell anyone anything. But the things he does, that tells everything. Always using his telescope on clear nights, watching comets, studying stars and nebulas in the sky. He had this book that Nana had given him when we were very little. An ancient book, centuries old. It told about the Terran home system, all they knew in the twentieth century, which was practically nothing. Yet Andrew looked at it constantly. Nana and I used to talk about it all the time, when he wasn't around. Everything's a secret with him. It's like he's embarrassed about wanting to leave Caldos. And I know that's what he wants. Nana did, too. He's always been so jealous of Wesley. They wrote each other all the time, Wesley telling him everything about serving on this ship, about the crew, about you, about the captain. He got so pissed at Wes when he got into trouble at the Academy. Managed to get a face-to-face communique and ream him out." She shook her head. "It's hard to get Andrew really mad. But when he gets that mad, he doesn't get loud. He gets...intense. I swear, that intensity gets to you more than any amount of yelling ever would."

Beverly held in a sigh. Like his father. Wesley must've felt like he got a double-dose from Picard, then, between the two of them. She frowned to herself. She'd had no idea that Wes and Andrew had kept in such close contact.

"Andrew said he hasn't heard from Wes since Nana died," Allie said.

"Wes is in the middle of exams," Beverly replied.

Allie nodded. "Exams can't last forever."

They could, actually. Exams only took on different forms as you got older, sometimes unrecognizable until you'd already completed them and failed miserably. Watching her younger son and younger daughter stare into the stars, hypnotized by them, she saw two of her failures. Not in either child, but in her decision to keep them spirited away in some ridiculous notion of being able to hide them from their father and their heritage forever.

"So, you and--" Allie started.

"What exactly did Counselor Troi tell you?" Beverly asked, making note to scold her friend soundly later.

"Nothing that you don't already know," Allie said with a grin.

Beverly decided it was time to move on with the tour. She showed them Sickbay, the arboretum, shuttlebay, cargo bay, gymnasium, holodeck. They reached stellar cartography. The doctor showed Andrew how to manipulate the controls, but the boy waved her off, saying he could already work the computer. Then he showed her that he did, in fact, know exactly how to operate it. He tapped a bunch of instructions into the panel, keyed one more, and the room sprung into life, starcharts surrounding them, as if they stood in the middle of space.

As the doctor looked around the display, she realized Andrew had shown the path of the Enterprise since it had first set off from the Utopia Planitia Shipyards. From Farpoint Station to Vagra Two, Rutia Four to Wolf 359, on and on, every stop, every mission. "He kept track," Allie said.

"Yes," Beverly said.

"He kept track of other things," she whispered. "After his nightmares about the Borg, after he got Conal and was able to sleep, he started reading about Captain Picard. I asked him about it, so many times. Why he read about him, why he tracked the Stargazer, every ship Picard had been on." She smiled. "I finally got to him, made him lose his temper, and he told me. Said that because he had nightmares about the thing called Locutus, he had to know the human that Locutus had been, and the human that came back after Locutus was killed. So that he wouldn't have nightmares anymore, because he'd know the person, not the thing."

Beverly nodded. Jean-Luc would have done much the same. Done his best to understand the motivations behind a person, so that he would see the good as much as the bad was obvious.

The display suddenly disappeared. Gracie shouted her dismay as Beverly looked over toward the control panel. Andrew had heard Allie's last comments, his face set determinedly, willing away the hurt and fear he must have felt, determined not to show anyone anything, even when it was spoken aloud by others. Especially so, then. Beverly said nothing to him. Instead, she left the room, and the three others followed, and they made their way to Ten Forward. In the turbolift, Allie and Gracie sensed Andrew's unease and chatted him up, teasing and cajoling, until he began to brighten again. Beverly wondered how her son truly felt about the captain. If he was a reminder of the Borg, or if that had changed, and instead became the Starfleet captain, a hero to so many. The thought brought a memory of the latest Captain Picard Day, and she smiled. Jean-Luc got so flustered at the idea of people seeing him as a hero or role model, as anything more than the person Jean-Luc Picard. When Jean-Luc would deny those other roles he had in other people's lives, he'd become so unlike the staid captain. He would stutter, he face would blush, the tips of his ears would become red, he would search for excuses. Beverly adored him when he got like that. In those moments, she could see the little boy he had been, long before he became the starship captain. The humble man that he truly was, the man she loved.

The man she was removing from her life completely.

The turbolift door opened and they entered Ten Forward. Guinan stood behind the bar, serene and happy, dispensing drinks and advice with equal ease. When they walked inside, Andrew's long legs took him swiftly to one of the viewports. Because the lounge's windows pointed forward, the planet wasn't visible, only the stars stretched out forever. The view held Andrew in thrall.

Gracie went to join him, clambering into a chair just behind the viewport. With a longing glance back at the stars, Andrew settled into a chair that faced the window, Beverly and Allie joining them. One of the servers began to walk towards them, then was intercepted and waved off by Guinan. The El-Aurian sat in the empty seat that waited for the captain. "Now, I know you," she said to Beverly, her voice calm, soothing. "But you three, I've no idea who you are."

At the sound of her voice, Andrew let his eyes drift away from the stars. "Andrew," he said. "My name's Andrew. I'm Beverly's cousin. Actually, all three of us are."

The two girls supplied their own names. Beverly watched Guinan's eyes carefully, searching for any sort of recognition on the bartender's part. The woman seemed to know everything, and the doctor feared Guinan would have everything figured out in seconds. But Guinan's expression gave away nothing, impassive.

"And you are?" asked Andrew.

"Guinan," said the El-Aurian, raising an eyebrow--well, the area where an eyebrow would be if she had them--at Andrew's question, which had come in the form of a command.

"Are you going to eat with us too?" Gracie asked. "Because if you are, we'll have to find another seat. The captain is supposed to meet us here."

"You're friends of the captain?" Guinan asked, turning to look closely at Gracie.

"Yes. Isn't everyone?" Gracie asked.

Guinan's mouth spread into a wide smile. "Some are closer friends than others. I do, however, count Captain Picard as one of my closer friends." The bartender then took their orders for dinner and drinks and left the table to put them in. Moments later, the captain strode through the doors of Ten Forward. He quickly located them and measured strides brought him to their table. As he greeted them, he sat in the seat recently vacated by Guinan, between Allie and Gracie, his back to the windows.

Beverly glanced over towards the bar, saw Guinan watching them, saw the knowing look now in Guinan's eyes. The doctor turned back towards the table, her family before her, only Wesley missing. Gracie animatedly telling the captain about the entire tour, Allie glaring at her brother, Andrew, eyes back on the space outside, oblivious to his sister's glares. The boy's eyes had gotten that fuzzy look, the one she'd seen on the captain when he looked at the stars outside, when he thought no one else could see him. Like he knew, right then, that he was where he most wanted to be. Gracie, though not as hypnotized as her brother, kept glancing over at the windows. Maybe it was the eyes. Those gray eyes also carried the gene for space exploration, and those who inherited that color were meant to be explorers. She wondered what color Robert's eyes were, if they really were different from Jean-Luc's, if any credence could be given to her theory. She knew that she didn't much care if she were on a starship or planet, starbase or colony, as long as she felt at home. And Allie seemed much the same way, and bore the same blue eyes as her mother.

She wondered exactly what Guinan saw. If she saw four Howards and a Picard, or four Picards and a Howard. Guilt shot through her. None of the children in front of her should be carrying the name of Howard. Rightfully, they were Picards, each of them.

And she would never let them be.

"Andrew, Allie's told me what she wants to do with her life, but you haven't said a word about it. What exactly do you want to do?" the captain asked.

Andrew's attention came quickly back to the table. "Be a pirate," he said, straight faced.

Allie laughed. "Here we go," she said.

Picard played along, and as Andrew and Picard went back and forth, the rest of the table became highly entertained. "What kind of pirate do you plan on being?"

"Seafaring," said Andrew. Both he and the captain maintained their straight faces.

"How long have you wanted to be a seafaring pirate?"

"Since I was six."

"And how did you arrive at this career plan?"

"I figured out I had two of the requisite skills."

"And they would be?"

Andrew finally broke his straight face and grinned. "You see, when I was little, I hated the question of 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' I could never come up with a good answer. Then I learned to sail and after that, I learned to fence. Once I learned saber, I figured I had two of the skills necessary to become a pirate, and that became my answer."

"He never gave in," Allie said. "Ever. First he used to get sent to the principal's office, then it became the counselor's office."

"Then they gave up," Andrew said. "But I can use a saber and I can sail, so I think I could be a pirate."

"You know, you could be redbeard if you grew a beard," Allie said.

Andrew glared at her. "I'd look more like Kris Kringle."

Gracie laughed. Andrew moved his glare from Allie to Gracie. The little girl only smiled at him. "I'm not afraid of you," she said.

Andrew sighed. "You never were."

"Do you know how to sail as well?" Picard asked Allie.

"In theory," she said.

Picard raised an eyebrow.

Allie let out a sigh of her own and told her story. "Andrew was supposed to teach me how to sail and he did, but in his own special way. I've never liked swimming or being on the water. There we were, out in the middle of the lake, the boat tipping like mad as Andrew kept sheeting in so we'd gain more speed as we tacked upwind. Then, I asked a really stupid question."

"No question is stupid," came Picard's reflexive reply.

"Trust me, this one was, because it gave him an opening. And you never, ever, give a Howard an opening. I turned to my sweet brother and asked, 'What happens if we capsize?' My brother was nice enough to give me an answer." She stopped, glared at Andrew.

Andrew smiled innocently.

"His answer was to capsize, right then and there."

Beverly laughed, she'd never heard that story. Had always wondered about Allie and sailing and why she never went. Bittersweet, to hear it, and realize she should have witnessed it. Picard also laughed. "Then what happened?" he asked.

"I yelled in surprise, of course. Then helped him right the boat, crawled back onto it, helped him sheet in again and start back up."

"And then promptly pushed me overboard," Andrew said. "I cracked my head on the hull on the way down, got a mild concussion, and Allie had to sail the boat back to the dock. Nana was pissed."

"That was the end of my sailing," Allie said.

Laughing, Picard said, "I can't figure out of you two hate each other or love each other."

"Oh, we love each other," Allie said.

"It's why we're both still alive," Andrew finished.

"Not for lack of trying," said Beverly. "Honestly, the letters I'd get from Nana. And that incident with the tarantula."

"I've always considered tarantulas to be among the most disturbing of Earth's fauna," Guinan said, appearing with a tray of drinks, a server carrying a tray of food right behind her. "I'd love to hear the story about the tarantula."

As they ate dinner, they told the story about the tarantula. The captain told them stories of he and his brother when they were boys, of chasing after his older brother with a cast iron frying pan, taking a swing at Robert and knocking over a vase instead, breaking it on the floor. Or when Robert chased Jean-Luc down the paths between the vines, the smaller Jean-Luc cutting through a crack in the vines, his brother trying to follow, and knocking down the entire row, drawing the ire of their father. Beverly didn't recall the captain telling these stories to Wesley. She'd heard them, certainly, but couldn't recall Wes ever hearing them. Even after the group had finished eating, they continued talking away until the captain's commbadge chirped. "Bridge to Captain Picard," said Will Riker's voice.

"Picard here."

"Sir, we've recorded some significant changes in the weather patterns on the planet, I think you should come take a look at them."

"On my way," the captain replied. He looked at the group, met Gracie's withering stare. "What?" he said.

"You're ditching us again," she said.

"You're assuming that," Picard replied.

"Well, you're going up to the bridge, we're not allowed up there, and so you'll be leaving us."

"Who said you aren't allowed on the bridge?" the captain asked the little girl.

"I believe you said that," Beverly teased him.

Picard looked up, shocked. "I said that?"

"Yes. I believe your words were," she paused, drawing herself up into a posture of utmost dignity, setting her face as stony as the captain's had been back then, and continued, imitating his voice and cadence as best she could. "Children are not allowed on the bridge, Doctor."

Gracie burst into giggles. "You sounded just like him!"

"Sounds quite rude," Picard said.

"Quite," said Beverly.

"Well, then I certainly have to make up for it." He stood. "Shall we?" Motioning for the group to follow, they did, and left Ten Forward. Once the 'lift had reached the bridge, Gracie bolted out, followed by Andrew and Captain Picard. Even Allie, who had been mostly disinterested in the inner workings of the starship, showed some awe.

Commander Riker came up the ramp from the command center. "You didn't mention you'd be bringing company," he said to the captain.

"Slipped my mind," Picard said, then introduced the three to Riker. He asked the commander to show them the bridge. He turned to Beverly. "Doctor, could I see you in my ready room?"

Her first instinct was to say no, absolutely not. Yet he was, after all, her commanding officer for the time being. "Yes." Leaving the three children behind in the capable hands of Will Riker, she trailed the captain into his office just off the bridge.

Picard went straight to the replicator. "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot." He looked over at Beverly, who had seated herself on the couch. "Do you want anything?"

"No." She couldn't possibly drink anything. Her mind ran itself in circles trying to figure out why the captain wished to speak with her. To ask about the children? To shout at her regarding their conversation earlier?

"I wanted to update you on the situation on Caldos," he said, relieving her fears for the moment. "The weather modification net has suffered some serious problems, hence all the snow," he pointed out. She had wondered about that. Winters on Caldos usually weren't as snowy as the current one. "Geordi and Data are working on correcting the problem, but aren't sure how long it will take until they can figure out exactly what's wrong. It's something to keep in mind while you're on the planet, so you don't put yourself in any undue danger by getting caught in a storm unprepared."

"Right," she said, and nothing else.

The captain set his teacup down, then sat on the edge of his desk. "I don't like this," he said.

"It isn't snowing up here," Beverly said, fending him off, willing him not to pry. She avoided his eyes, knowing that they had been taken by the soft concern he held for her.

"You know very well that wasn't what I was referring to."

She said nothing.

"I'm surprised you'd never told me about your cousins before," he said.

"I didn't think you'd want to know." About cousins of hers, maybe. But that they were his children, he'd want to know, he'd want to know everything about them. Already he was learning about them, as much as he could, and he only saw them as Beverly's cousins, nothing more. So she continued to tell herself.

He frowned. "Of course I would. You're important to me, and so is your family."

This part of my family is more important to you than you realize. The current subject bothered her more than speaking with him about their quasi-relationship, one which she sought to make a non-relationship. She shifted in her spot on the couch. "I didn't realize," she said, looking at him.

A mistake. His eyes not only graced her with his concern, but now held hurt masking over love she knew was there and saw through small cracks in the pain she had caused. "Didn't you?" he asked. And she saw it, that look, the one she last saw, lit by the small fire in the night on Kesprytt.

"I never knew you felt that way."

"Didn't you?"

"...but I had no idea how strongly you felt...why didn't you ever tell me you were in love with me?"

He had in so many ways and she continued to deny it, deny him. In her silence, he'd moved from his perch on the desk to a seat next to her. "Beverly?" he said. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she said, too quickly.

He frowned. "You don't seem yourself."

"I think Nana's death is hitting me harder than I thought." It was, in a sense.

Picard reached out, caressed her cheek, drew her closer.

She closed her eyes. "Don't do this," she whispered. "Please, Jean-Luc. Just leave it alone."

"I can't," he said, his voice now becoming hoarse.

Opening her eyes, she reached out with her own hand, caressed his cheek as he had done to her. Loud laughter carried through the closed doors from the bridge, she recognized it, her children laughing at some joke Will must've cracked. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And the three children outnumbered the two adults in the ready room, outweighed any chance of their having a relationship. Jean-Luc, not the starship captain, sat before her, his needs much the same as hers, wanting to be with the person with whom they felt completely safe, at ease, loved, human. He would protect her, if given the chance, from the storms within. Instead, he had to settle for the storms on the planet below, the snow that continued to pile up outside her house. His fire for her melting the cold she'd enveloped herself in. In her head, she chided herself for writing her plight as a role in some tragic romance novel. Oh, my fire and my love, and our little fires outside that door, waiting. If she hadn't been so hurt and frustrated, she would have laughed. She heard Allie's voice in her head, telling her all the scientific reasons for why snow fell, and it had nothing to do with fate or fortune. It just was.

Finally, she spoke. "You have to. I would only hurt you, as I know I'm doing now." Her hand dropped from his cheek and she practically ran out of the ready room. Beverly gathered her three children and departed the ship. She cursed all the while, cursing fate, fortune, and science all in one go, unwilling to let any of them go unscathed, lest it be the thing responsible for confronting her at every turn, not letting her be.

Not letting any of them be who they were.