Reality Nicks

I toss and turn restlessly.

I haven't gotten this little sleep since my love and I were still trying to establish what Dad aptly called, 'our sleeping grove'.

I roll over and look over at the clock.

3:04.

I plop my head back down on my pillows.

As much as I hated to lie to her, I just couldn't tell her the truth.

I had called her and told her I would be home late because I had a 'last minute appointment.'

The only thing I didn't say was the appointment was my own.

After I had talked to Daphne earlier in the afternoon and she shared our disappointing news, I had Mrs. Woodson make an appointment with Dr. Stevens for me.

It had been several years since I had seen him.

The last time was when I was still married to Maris.

He said he could squeeze me in at 6:30.

I look over at her, my sleeping beauty.

Never in my wildest dreams (believe you and me, I had my fair share) did I ever think it would actually happen.

Happily exhausted, after a passionate night of lovemaking, I would lay down besides her. Wrapping my own body around hers and holding her in my arms all night long, only to wake up the following morning to find us still locked in one another's hold.

Even after we finally got together and professed our undying love to one another, my insecurity issues (no thanks to Maris) still reared its ugly head.

For a long time, I would purposely nick myself with my razor while I watched her sleep in the mornings, just to reassure myself it wasn't a dream.

I give her a soft kiss and carefully slip out of bed as not to awaken her.

Swinging my feet over the side, I slide into my slippers and pull on my dressing gown and tiptoe past her and out the door, and make my way downstairs.

I aimlessly walk from room to room with only moonbeams and starlight guiding my course.

I keep replaying the last few minutes of my appointment in my head.

-------

"I'm sorry Niles. Your test results show that your sperm has very low motility."

I mentally translate: slow movers.

Perhaps I had just heard Dr. Stevens wrong.

This has got to be a mistake.

After all, I came here to eliminate the possibility, not to confirm it.

I decide to ask for clarification.

"So, are you saying it might be difficult for Daphne and me to conceive?"

"I'm very sorry Niles," he apologized again. "But I won't lie to you. Yes. Extremely difficult."

I don't recall my response or if I even had one.

For the rest is a blank.

The next thing I remember was Lisa, Dr. Stevens' nurse, lifting my head and giving me some water.

From what I was told, after Dr. Stevens told me the news, I had one my panic attacks and hyperventilated, eventually blacking out.

-------

I end up out on the terrace.

It's a crisp, cool autumn night.

I take in a slow, deep breath.

The cool air stings my lungs.

I slowly let it back out, whereupon I can actually see my breath leave my nostrils and mouth.

I look up at the moon, which is now a blur, for my repressed tears have now surfaced.

In preparation, I offer up my forgiveness.

"I'm so sorry my love."

-------

After completing her tenure on the swing, she shouts out, with arms spread wide.

"Mommy, mommy."

Responding to her shouts, she too, holds out her arms wide.

She jumps in her mother's lap and draws her mother into a big bear hug and declares.

"I love you mommy."

"She has your eyes," I compliment with a hint of sadness and guilt.

Regrettably, I knew full well that because of my shortcomings, neither my love nor I would ever hear those words directed at us.

Noticing my presence, she giggles and greets me.

"Hi Uncle Niles."

I smile at her and return her greeting.

"Hello Alice."

"Uncle Niles?"

"Yes Alice?"

"Why do you look so sad?" the inquisitive and perceptive five year old asks me.

Saving me from making some lame excuse and a nosebleed, Roz suggests.

"Uncle Niles isn't feeling very well today. Why don't you go play in the sandbox for a little while until we're done talking."

Without hesitation, she agrees.

"Okay."

"Goodbye Alice."

She had only taken a few steps towards the sandbox when she retreats and comes back over to me and gives me a bear hug.

"Why thank you Alice, what did I do to deserve this?"

"You just looked like you could use one. See you later Uncle Niles."

She withdrew her arms from around my neck and waves, skipping off to the sandbox.

Roz turns back to face me.

"Okay, so what did she say when you told her?"

I immediately drop my eyes.

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

Frustrated, I push off the park bench and start pacing.

"It's not an easy thing to tell someone. Especially not after the news we received earlier in the afternoon," I say in my defense.

"Niles," she reminds me, as if I need any reminders.

"Daphne is not just someone. She's your wife. The woman you promised to love and honor for the rest of your life."

"Don't you think I know that?" I snap at her sarcastically.

"Niles..."

"Look, Roz, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that. It's just that..."

I sit back down on the bench and bury my face in my hands.

"It's okay Niles," she consoles and soothes my back.

I lift my head and look straight ahead and at all the screaming children at play.

"That's not the only promise I made to Daphne..." I begin the memory.

-------

"I still can't believe it..." She gleefully squealed and ran out on the terrace of the honeymoon suite to complete her sentence.

"I'm Mrs. Niles Crane," she finished with a shout and to whoever was within earshot.

I put on some soft, romantic music and go out to join her.

I lock my eyes onto hers.

She's not the only one who can't believe it.

For a brief moment, I toyed with the idea of going to the bathroom to find my razor.

Instead, I thought of a better alternative to test the reality of the moment.

"May have I this dance Mrs. Niles Crane?" I invited.

"I would be honored Mr. Niles Crane," she accepted.

It was our first dance as husband and wife.

As I felt her in my arms, razor blades became a distant memory.

-------

"Later that same night, after a long night of lovemaking, she made her request."

I fight back the tears that are now threatening to choke me.

"She made me promise to give her the one gift that I alone could give her. The gift of love."

"Niles, listen to me. Daphne loves you more than anything and I know that once you tell her..."

"Please Roz..." I interrupt. "No false platitudes. I can't give my love the one and only gift she's ever wanted from me. I'm such a loser. "

The tears unleash and roll down my cheeks.

I flinch.

"Niles? What is it?"

"The tears. They sting the cut on my cheek."

Roz asks, referring to the cut on my cheek and fearing that I might be regressing to my former habits.

"Did you purposely nick yourself while shaving this morning?"

"No."

"Good. I was afraid after what you just told me that you might..."

"Actually, I did it last night after Daphne fell asleep and before I went to bed," I confess.

"Niles..."

"Can you blame me Roz? After the day I had just gone through can you blame me for hoping that the whole day was nothing more than a nightmare?"

To be continued...