Niles is a Little Slow

"I'm really sorry Daph." Frasier laid a comforting hand atop his sister-in-law's. "How did Niles take the news?"

She sighed.

"I don't know Frasier. I know Niles is just as frustrated as I am right now. But, I'm not going to lie to you either, this has put a tremendous amount of strain on our marriage, and with each false alarm…" her voice trailed off and she took a sip of her latte.

"He always puts on a brave face and doesn't seem to be discouraged, but nevertheless, after each false alarm he pushes me further and further away. Especially this time. If I didn't know better, I'd think he blames me for all this."

Frasier shot her a 'you've got to be kidding look'.

"Daphne, listen to me. Niles worships the ground you walk on. You know that. I know my little brother he would never blame, or think to blame any of this on you. You're just upset and you're not thinking clearly. You know very well that Niles has always had trouble expressing his emotions and letting others in, especially after everything Maris has put him through."

"I guess you're right."

"You know I am. Don't give up on him, Daph. If anyone can reach him, it's you."

- - - - - - -

It was mid afternoon by the time Daphne arrived home from talking with Frasier.

Upon walking in the front door she was welcomed by piano music. She could instantly tell just by what song Niles was playing that he was upset. He was playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

She softly shut the door behind her.

She tossed her purse down on the fainting couch and headed into the study.

- - - - - - - -

Since I had learned to play mostly by ear, I had always preferred to play with my eyes closed.

I had dreams, first with Maris and then with Daphne, of my child pounding out their first feeble attempt of Beethoven's Fur Elise on the piano, after first teaching them myself.

As I continued to play, I felt the sting of a small tear as it slid down my cheek and once again made contact with the cut.

I was drowning in my own insatiable dreams.

I was drowning in my sorrows and to what could have been.

What could have been…if it wasn't for me.

- - - - - - - -

From the doorway she could see him play.

After years of observing both Crane brothers play, she always felt Niles played more passionately, especially whenever he was upset or in pain, both of which he was in right now.

Unlike Frasier, who usually kept his piano lid open, Niles kept his closed. Adorned on top was her massive unicorn collection (that she hoped someday to pass down to their daughter, if they had a girl). The unicorns safeguarded the centerpiece of the piano lid--the cast iron dragon Niles had received from Roz. There was also a small collection of family pictures scattered throughout.

She took in a deep breath and walked over to the piano.

- - - - - - - -

"Niles," she greets me and walks over to the side of the piano and starts to rearrange her unicorns like pawns on a chessboard. Something she tends to do when she's upset.

I can tell she has been crying. It breaks my heart to know that in minutes I will be breaking hers.

"You've been crying," I comment.

"So I have," she replies, rather coolly. "I was surprised to find you gone when I got up this morning. You didn't even leave a note."

"I had trouble sleeping last night. I've had a lot on my mind, so, I thought the fresh air might help and I decided to take a walk in the park. But I was wrong not to leave you a note, I'm sorry."

She continues to rearrange.

I want to say something, for the silence is becoming uncomfortable and awkward. Before I can, she asks me, "Would you like to talk about what's on your mind?"

The invitation was offered and was mine to decline.

"Please, come and sit by me."

She came over and sat next to me on the piano bench.

"What's this?"

"What's what?"

"Niles, you didn't purposely cut yourself, did you?"

Her earlier coolness has abated, replaced with sympathy.

I don't answer, but I didn't need to, for she knows me all too well.

"Niles, talk to me. Don't shut me out. Why, my love?" She strokes my hair behind my ear, knowing that always comforts me in my times of distress.

My heart aches even more knowing what I am about to confess. I never hated myself more.

I knew better and that by not doing so I was disrespecting her, but I just couldn't bear to see it on her face.

Though I had witnessed the look many times firsthand with Maris, I will never forgive myself for causing Daphne to give it to me too.

Though it is rightly deserved (as were all of Maris') the look of disappointment she is bound to give me once when she finds out…

"Niles? I know you're upset about the false alarm," she unknowingly interrupts my thought and attempts to provide me with an opening.

I look at her one more time, fighting back my tears.

Oh, my love, I wish it were just that.

"Niles?"

I turn away from her and focus straight ahead. It was now or never and once started, there would be no turning back. I would tell her exactly like the way I had rehearsed with Roz earlier in the day at the park.

I attempt to take in a deep breath and fail but proceed anyway.

"Daphne, I know that I'm a little slow in telling you this and that I should have told you this earlier, but, I received some disappointing news myself yesterday…"

Just like on the eve of her wedding to Donny and on that balcony at the Wayside Inn, I am terrified of letting her get a word in, so I quickly keep talking.

"It seems that I suffer from both slow and low motility and it might not be possible for us to conceive. I'm so sorry."

There, it's done. I've said it.

Her silence is deafening.

It was worse than I imagined.

I lean over and place my arms down on the piano and bury my head in my arms.

All I can think is how I've let my love down and how much I hate myself for doing so, and how I'll never forgive myself for doing so…ever.

To be continued…