Old Feelings, Resurfaced

I told Daphne this afternoon and instantly regretted my decision to do so.

Not that I expected her to take it or react any differently. After all, in her defense (and rightly so) I had just told her that I can't give her the one and only thing she has ever asked of me.

I let her down.

Just like I did Maris.

Even though I loved her unconditionally, I always knew Maris' love for me was conditional and I never had a problem with it. That may sound surprising to most people but it was the same love I received from Mother.

When someone loves you conditionally, the first thing you learn (and quickly) is when they are upset and when they have withdrawn their love for you. Sometimes you are given a "prelude" (as I like to call it) which in reality is a verbal thrashing and complete listing of all your shortcomings and faults. Maris always included a "prelude" while Mother did not. But both always gave the silent treatment. Depending on the gravity of the offense, this can and usually lasts anywhere from several days to several weeks.

And in some cases, months.

Why? (In other words, why have they stopped loving you?) You quickly learn what it takes and how to "win" their love back. I should clarify, "quickly" doesn't always mean you'll be forgiven once the gift is given. Chances are you won't be.

Again, with Maris, "How Do I Love Thee…?"

I bought her everything from a Dresden Shepherdess (as a peace offering when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written.) A candelabra, and not just any candelabra, a Louis Quatorzel. After all, nothing quite says "I'm sorry, I was foolish to think I could attempt to grow a moustache, please love me again" better. Or how about the ankle bracelet with the "M" charm I gave Maris for an anniversary present that sprained her ankle? After her initial screams of agony, I heard not one peep out of Maris for months. Or the time I bought her a new Mercedes just so we could make love for the first time in months?

Daphne.

I have failed her and have no idea how to make it up to her and how to win her love back again.

For no material possession can replace what I can't provide her.

After all, I'm sure her "condition" for loving me is, was, solely based on that I can give her a child. And now that I can't, she has no reason to love me (not that I can blame her).

"Niles…"

To be continued…