A/N: Oh yeah! Someone figured out what was going on in Jack's head, nicely done. ; ) Thanks for all the comments! I'm really not taking this fic in a serious/angsty sense, and there's really no purpose other than to have S/J jump each other… eventually. Carter being a Colonel is completely unbelievable, sure, but it's a fic, so guess who has the power? --insert evil laugh--.

Don't worry! Kawalsky's definitely staying alive, promise. As you can probably tell from this chapter, this is where the sillyness starts.

Chapter 2

"Colonel O'Neill I presume?"

"Uh...huh…er…" He replied suavely.

"I'm Colonel Samantha Carter, USAF."

She offered him a snappy salute which he couldn't help but return, retired though he was. Jack swallowed hard, his throat was dry, as he tried to process what Kawalsky had...

"Charlie, you dog!" Jack laughed to himself, finally figuring out what wad going on. Sure, he could be thick sometimes, but things eventually fell into place. His birthday. The surprise. The really hot woman standing on this doorstep in 'uniform'… it almost looked real.

"Excuse me?" she asked, frowning.

"Oh... you're a... ah... Charlie sent you, right?" Jack asked, making sure he wasn't about to make an idiot out of himself.

"Major Kawalsky sent me, yes. Actually, he paid me. It wasn't really high priority... but from everything I've heard about you, I can't say I'm not curious," she said, grinning almost as an afterthought..

"O-kay. I can't say I'm not impressed, Kawalsky got this right, it's practically my fantas-"

"Mind if I come in? I'm not really the small talk kind of person. I'd rather get this over with."

Jack really had no words for that, so he stood still as she maneuvered around him with all the skill of a salesperson. He probably should have refused right then but...

"So Kawalsky went all out on this, didn't he? How much did he pay you?" Jack said, clearing his throat and following her inside.

"Enough." The blonde shrugged a shoulder, making herself so very comfortable on the couch. His couch.

"Well... uh Samantha, was it? Nice name. Assuming you go by that usually." He added, his mind trying to keep up with the words coming out of his mouth. His momentary shock was wearing off and he was coming back to his senses, slowly. Honestly, he still had a slight buzz from the alcohol, which wasn't helping him process things.

"I'd prefer it if you'd call me Colonel Carter for the duration of our working relationship," she stated.

Jack grinned. Charlie had taught her well. She was practically the fantasy of every Airman... the attitude... gorgeous eyes... long legs... and the uniform...!

"So tell me... Colonel what exactly did you do to climb the ranks so quickly?" he asked, deciding it wouldn't hurt to play along.

"Well I figured out some of the key systems that monitor energy outputs in various sectors of the military, and from what I've been told, I've helped revolutionize the quantum model that-"

"Arghh! A scientist? Kawalsky screwed up on that... science is a big turn off for me. Huge. You shouldda said something like... you logged air time in the Gulf."

"I did log airtime in the Gulf."

"Ah, see much better," Jack grinned, wondering what she'd look like in a fighter pilot jumpsuit. Maybe next time... Argh! No. No next time. No this time.

"So since Kawalsky told you why I'm here, have you considered the proposal?"

Jack sighed, cursing whatever morals he lived by.

"Look, I can't do this. I want to, believe me I want to, but I can't."

She looked slightly disappointed, before a look of determination passed over her features. Damn her, she wasn't going to make this easy.

"Look, I came here for a reason. I'm not going to just walk away, now what do I have to do to get you on in on this? "

"I... I..."

"How long has it been since your last time out in the field, O'Neill?"

Jack paused to think about it. After Sara there had been a few women he'd picked up in bars. Nothing real, nothing lasting, nothing mindblowing enough to write home about. He wondered what it would be like with a woman like 'Colonel Carter'. She was definitely high end, that was for sure.

"A couple of months..." he admitted.

"Well don't you miss it! The rush, the energy..."

"You don't understand... this is new for... I don't usually...I'm not the kinda guy who…"

Jack paused, trying to form a coherent sentence. He hadn't exactly had a ring on Sara's finger before they were together, and it's not like he didn't do casual, but this was just…

"If I'd met you in a bar or something, then I would not have hesitated." He said in way of explanation.

"Oh... I didn't even think about that, I just assumed you'd be alone. Is your wife at home or something? Maybe you'd be more comfortable doing this somewhere else."

"Yes. I mean- no! No wife. Yes… What?"

"Look Colonel, I really don't have time for this. Now my orders were to get you, so what's your decision? Just say you'll come and I'll debrief you right here. Offer expires in thirty seconds," she said as an ultimatum.

"Fuck it. Fine! But just this one time, and that's it- I don't go about it this way, ever, and I don't intend to do it again..." he said firmly.

"One time is all I need."

"What about protection?"

"Of course, security is always high priority,"" she said getting to her feet. with a smile.

Jack stood instinctively, "Bedroom's that way."

"...what?"

"Oh, sorry, did you want it on the couch or something? It's pretty big, I think it handle it."

"Excuse me, Colonel O'Neill, I'm not sure I'm following..."

"It's okay, we can drop the act. Besides, a 'Colonel' was much too high for someone as young as you anyway. Captain would have been more believable," he said taking off his shirt, balling it in his hands and tossing it aside.

She was completely speechless, staring at him, and Jack allowed himself a smug smile.

'Still got it with the ladies Jack boy' he said to himself.

He wasn't entirely sure what happened after that. If you asked him years from now, he still couldn't say exactly what occurred... his was mind fogged with beer and lust, his arousal growing increasingly hard by the way she stared at him, with wide blue eyes, almost frozen in place. One moment he was beside her, hand trailing beneath her dress blues, right up the sides of her thighs... and now...

Now he was lying on the floor with a split lip, a bleeding nose, and what felt like a bruised rib.

"O'NEILL, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

"I... you... what? Sex! "

"What?"

"Aren't you a... You're a..."

"I'm a USAF officer! I came to see you on official business, like I TOLD you- Why the hell would you think I was here for... that."

"Well Charlie said-"

"I was a prostitute?" he voice rose several pitches.

Jack winced, "No! Well, see it's my birthday, and he mentioned something about a surprise-"

"Look, whatever. I've dealt with enough men like you in my past, O'Neill. I shouldn't be so shocked. I was here to request your participation on the Stargate project. It's been reopened, and the operation has grown bigger since your last mission. Personally, I don't want you coming with us The fact that you falsified your report- oh yeah we know about that- speaks for itself. I have little faith in you as an officer and even less respect for you as a man... but if you can help us on this mission, then I have no say in the matter."

"So... not a hooker?"

She closed her eyes for a brief moment, and when she opened them, they were a smoldering angry color. Had she been wearing a sidearm, Jack had no doubt she would have used it.

"No," her voice dropped to a dangerously low level, "For the good of the mission, I'm willing to forget this little... misunderstanding ever happened, but I swear to God, O'Neill, touch me again and you'll have a court martial on your hands before you know what hit you."

With that, she spun around, slamming the door so loudly Jack was sure she'd broken it. As his mind started catching up, an intense feeling of mortification set over him. He just lay on the floor, letting it sweep over him. His nose throbbed, his tongue tasted fresh blood, and he ached all over from a dying hard on.

Perfect way to end a birthday.

"Off somewhere Daniel?" Kawalsky asked, on his way to the surface.

The archaeologist shook his head, leaning against the cold stone walls of the SGC hallways.

"Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing... they just... they don't know what to do with me," he sighed.

Kawalsky rolled his eyes. "C'mon, we're getting outta here... move it Jackson!"

Daniel complied automatically, following the Major's footsteps.

"Where are we going, exactly."

"You can stay at my place tonight."

"Really?"

"Yeah, just don't tell anyone. I've got that hardass reputation to keep."

"Of course."

The two made their way to the surface, getting into the black Humvee.

"So any word on Jack?"

"Carter wasn't there the last time I called... I told him how I'd paid for a little surprise from for him though." Kawalsky smirked.

"Oh yeah? Well that was appropriate considering it's his birthday."

"What!"

"Jack's birthday... it's the sixteenth today, right? Abydonian calendars are very similar to the Earth based-"

"How the hell could you remember thing like that?"

Daniel shrugged, "Archaeologist. Good with dates."

"Riiight. That's kinda funny though. Expecting a birthday present, and getting Carter instead." Kawalsky laughed.

"Unless he thinks she is the present," Daniel added, joining in.

The sound of laughter filled the vehicle before it died. Abruptly.

"Charlie, you don't think..."

"Nah... I mean..."

"It's possible... Sam's a very attractive woman, and Jack's a..."

"…Very stupid man," Kawalsky finished off with a groan.

Ringing... doorbell? God, she wasn't back was she?

No, not doorbell. Phone.

Too far away.

"Jack! It's Charlie pick up. Now. It's important."

With a groan Jack pulled himself off the floor, snatching the floor.

"Forget to tell me something Kawalsky?" he asked, wincing as he touched the bridge of his nose.

"Jack-- thank God. First of all Happy Birthday. Betcha thought I forgot, huh? Well I did, but I'll make it up to you. Now about before, that little 'surprise' I was talking about isn't so much a surprise as it is a high ranking USAF officer stopping by to disclose some sensitive information. She's kinda... uh... hot. I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea."

"The wrong idea? Oh, you mean like thinking she's a dolled up hooker, then stripping in front of her? Well thanks a bunch for letting me know Kawalsky. That would have been SO humiliating."

"Jaaaack, please say you didn't! For crap's sake, the woman's our expert on the Stargate- piss her off and you can find yourself stranded on another you-know-what!"

"I have to come back, don't I? Something important must be going down, or they would have sent someone like her to see me."

"Well, I may have bribed her a little."

"Which would explain why she said you'd paid for her."

"She said that?"

"I swear to God Charlie, if you're laughing..."

"No! Sorry, I'm not."

"Shit. How the hell am I going to face her again? I acted like such an ass."

"As opposed to usually, when you're an absolute sweetheart?"

"Charlie!"

"Sorry! Look, just relax, I'll take care of it. I'll tell her... I'll tell her you were shot in the head in the Middle East, and lost the ability to reason. Trust me, it'll be fine."

Jack groaned, held his head in his hands.

"Fine... I'll see you at Cheyenne tomorrow."

"Sure thing Colonel."

Jack hung up his phone. It was going to be a really long mission briefing.