In Absentia
Part Two
Two nights later Potter did knock. The door opened for him. Harry closed the door behind him.
Snape sat in a chair by the fire reading. He did not bother to look up.
"Your services are not required, Potter. Why don't you go bother your little girlfriend, instead."
"For fuck sake, she's not my girlfriend! She's my best friend's sister!"
Snake looked up at him and raised an elegant eyebrow.
"Yet somehow she holds that place in your mind. That is even more pathetic."
"You couldn't have seen Ginny when- You've been in my mind lately, haven't you?"
"What if I have. Do you think I am the only one who has taken a peek? You can't keep me out when you -know- what I'm trying to do. It doesn't take a Legilimens of my skill to catch you when preoccupied. As dedicated as your studies in Occlumency, you may as well tattoo a welcome sign on your forehead. Oh, I forgot, you already have one. Do you believe you will suddenly discover hidden talent as an Occlumens to complement your newfound skills at impressing Potions professors?"
"Look, I can understand being jealous of Ginny, but not of Slughorn."
"That's Professor Slughorn, Potter. Just because he hasn't caught you cheating yet do not imagine the man is a complete fool. He simply does not have the misfortune of knowing you as well as I do. As for being jealous, I am of my lovers, generally. However, I'd gladly send you off to either Slughorn or Miss Weasley, or anyone else sad enough to have you for that matter. What does this tell you?"
"That I make you feel secure, sir?"
"Talking to you is a waste of my time."
"You seemed to want to talk the last time."
"That was a sex game, Potter, a feeble attempt to relieve my boredom. Legilimency aside, I have never been interested in you for your mind."
"Why are you interested in me?"
"Ever a mystery, deepening by the moment."
"Would you like me to leave, sir?"
"I thought I had made that abundantly clear upon your arrival."
"Please sir, what did I do wrong?"
"What have you ever done right, Potter? Let us concentrate on that. It is a much shorter list."
"Would you like me to come back at a better time?"
"No."
"So you want me to leave and not come back, not ever?"
"As Muggles would say, the penny has dropped."
Instead of moving closer to the door Harry drew closer to Snape.
"Must we have a scene, Potter?"
"No, I have a last request."
"I did not realize you were dying."
"Something is."
"Spare me the histrionics. What do you want?"
"Just a kiss. You've never kissed me. I always hoped you might."
"Potter-"
"Please?"
"No. Just leave."
"Why not? If you won't kiss me at least tell me why you won't."
"I don't kiss whores, Mr. Potter."
Harry smiled.
"Well that might actually have worked had I not been a virgin or if you were paying me in some way. You've never even offer me a cup of tea! I just don't see how anyone who is having sex gets any farther from being a whore. Besides, I know you want to kiss me or you wouldn't keep looking at my lips."
"I was merely considering whether or not I could fulfill your request without making myself ill. I find I can not. Let me rephase the my answer for you. I do not kiss people whom I have no more feeling for than I would a whore. Happy now? Be gone, Potter. I wish I could say it has been a pleasure."
"You're lying to me. You've never lied to me before not once in all the time I've known you. I know you wouldn't bother doing it now unless you felt you had no other choice. So tell me why you are doing this. Are you trying to protect me? Do you think you are being noble some how? Hurt me a little now rather than hurting me a lot later? Have you decided that I can do better than an ex- Death Eater? Is Dumbledore making you do this?"
Severus finally stood. "I should have known that your Gryffindor arrogance would preclude you from believing a simple truth in favour of some outlandish conspiracy theory. The truth is that I find you a substandard sexual partner, Potter, not only because of your inexperience, which I decided to overlook hoping that you might actually have natural talents beyond catching snitches and not dying from the Dark Lord's Avada Kedavra. Sadly for me, and all future wizards or witches whom you will fixate your sexual attentions upon, you couldn't fuck your way out of an Ice Mice wrapper."
"I really do think I could fuck my way out of one of them. Now, a Chocolate Frog wrapper, on the other hand-"
"Take your schoolboy humour back to the towers with you where it might be appreciated."
"You are a fine one to talk."
"Potter-"
"You might as well just tell me. I'm not leaving here until you do."
Snape sat down again and dug the heels of his hands into the throbbing headache behind his eyes. Harry climbed into his lap, staddling his hips with his knees. He stroked Snape's hair gently. Severus leaned forward and pulled Harry into his arms. They stayed like that a while.
"Please tell me, Severus," Harry said softly.
"No. You do not want to know."
"I can assure you that I do."
"Not like this."
Snape levitated another chair over.
"But I like your lap."
"I can not tell you like this."
Reluctantly, Harry slid off Snape's lap and pulled the chair a little closer. He sat. Snape took a deep breath.
"Before the year started I took an Unbreakable Vow at the request of Narcissa Malfoy."
"What's an Unbreakable Vow?"
"A vow, break it and die. I agreed to kill Dumbledore so that Draco who was ordered to do so by the Dark Lord would not have to commit a murder or become one."
"Why would you vow something like that?"
"Do you think I'd trade the life of one flea on a dungeon rat for that snotty inbred runt? Of course I would. Do you think I'd trade Dumbledore for him?"
"So you are just going to die?"
"I had already made an Unbreakable Vow years ago, to serve Albus Dumbledore to the best of my ability. I agreed to take that vow not because Dumbledore insisted, he did not, but because I correctly believed that it would help me to combat the psychological effects of the Dark Mark. You may have noticed that many Death Eaters-"
"Are completely bonkers? Yeah, I have noticed that."
"The first vow taken, in this case the one to serve Dumbledore, always takes precedence. Any vow made after and at cross purposes simply should not work. Had I been unwilling to take the second vow, I would have endangered my position as a spy. I expected the magic of the second vow not to take, which likely would not have reflected poorly upon me, but would have raised serious doubts regarding the loyalty of our bonder, who just happened to be Bellatrix Black. Discrediting one of the Dark Lords most fiercely loyal would have been a very good days work for me. However the spell did work. When I informed Dumbledore, he told me that the spell worked because it perfectly complemented his plans. That is when he informed me of the nature of those plans, such as they were at the time.
For his plans to work, he needs you to hate me passionately. First he suggested that I rape you. I could have done it, Mr. Potter, but did not wish it. So I talked him out of the idea, by pointing out that, should you decide to go public with allegations of rape, you have sufficient prestige and supporters, not only to have me arrested, if I were to remain here to be caught, but also to close down Hogwarts whether I was here or not. I talked him into the idea of seduction followed by verbal and emotional abuse as a way to generate an effective grudge. Neither of us counted on the fact that you would find my outrageous treatment of you acceptable. I never imagined that in the course of acting my part in this deception that I would come to harbour very real feelings for you. In retrospect, I am certain that Dumbledore counted on the fact.
Last night, Dumbledore decided that we should have one more night together. A perfect one- I would make love to you instead of just fucking you. I would confess my love for you, make any promise that you wished to hear, ask you to marry me even if it seemed appropriate. Then next time, I break it off cruelly as if it were all just a joke for my own amusement. I found I could not go through with that."
"But you could have raped me?"
"Not now."
"Someone else?"
"Potter, you are so innocent. Do you think I am reformed? I am Dumbledore's pet Death Eater. Do you think he wants to get his hands dirty? I am invaluable because I do his bidding and do not get caught. If I ever should get caught- well what did anyone expect? So long as I do not get caught I am redeemed by the great man.
At any rate, tonight I decided to skip straight to the break up. As you can see my revised plan was less than successful."
"Why would he want me to hate you so much?"
"Because he wants you to murder me, Mr. Potter."