Closing the door behind him gently, Gojyo put his head in his hands and sighed deeply.

'What in the hell is wrong with me?'

His feet felt heavy under him, almost as if there were weights strapped to them and he drudged along the hall as well as he could.

'I didn't even realize what I was doing…I didn't even think about it.'

Following the path his feet lead him to the bar below the inn instinctively.

'Might as well get myself drunk, and cringe over how stupid I am.'

Taking a seat he asked the bartender for a drink and laid his head down on the cold bar.

'Wow…you do that pretty often don't you Gojyo. Not think. It seems you can't stop doing that.'

With a clink the glass was set down, & the bartender asked sympathetically "tough one?"

Gojyo stared into the glass & managed to mutter "you could say that."

Gojyo let the hustle & bustle of the world around him fade away as he sat there, his mind roaming, searching for answers to something he was fairly sure he would never find, pulling his head up occasionally only to take a sip of his drink.

'It was rather sudden…how was he supposed to act? I didn't really give him many options. I'm sure Hakkai would never want to hurt my feelings. He was just trying to let me down nicely. I can't blame him for that. He was probably…shocked, & confused. He did the best he could do regarding the situation. I should have at least explained…I should have been more sensitive about it.'

In the back of his mind, Gojyo wanted to believe that maybe Hakkai's compassion and understanding, even his uncomfortable nature with Gojyo's relationships with women, could be because Hakkai himself had feelings for him. But, Hakkai's reaction was the final answer, the obvious fact that his hopes were in vain, the loss of the faith he had desperately been clinging too.

'I guess…it's time to let it go. Hakkai will always be special to me…always. He'll always be my best friend. And that will have to be enough.'

Looking back now, Gojyo found it impossible to believe how much his life has changed lately. How he had changed. Not all of it even recently…ever since Hakkai had come into his life there had been a huge difference.

'I can't deny that even after I first meet Hakkai I stopped going out as much, and I lost a certain level of interest in my…activities.'

Not that many people had been able to notice the change, Gojyo had still gone out, and his dreadful reputation was still intact. But, even if some people on the outside didn't notice the changes, or just how big those changes were, Gojyo knew…Gojyo could feel that they were there. Even when he tried to deny that such a thing existed, he knew in the depths of his soul that he was only lying to himself. He had found something. Someone important enough to lose everything else for if need be, important enough to give up the lifestyle he had been living for so very long. Gojyo would never be the same, he couldn't. He had finally found what he wanted. What he had been wanting...had been looking for all along. And now…it was beyond his reach. With a frown, he threw his head back, draining the remaining liquid and savored the feeling it made as it passed down his throat.

'I'm such an idiot…what have I done?'

Hakkai didn't understand why he had pulled away…the thing he wanted most to happen did, and he let it slip through his very fingers.

'I'm pathetic…my own conscious told me that it couldn't be true…that there was no way it was and I couldn't even see what was right in front of me until it was too late. And now Gojyo has the wrong impression.'

However, even though Hakkai had found Gojyo's actions shocking, that wasn't the only reason he had pulled back.

'I'm making excuses…excuses because I'm scared…& I need them.'

What was he afraid of?

'Gojyo…he isn't used to being with one person. I don't know how he would handle it.'

Storm clouds of doubt rolled over and over in his mind.

'Is he even serious about this? He obviously wasn't quite himself, he was tried, worried…and maybe he just found me…appealing for a moment and made his move. He's certainly did that with other people before. Gojyo's hormones are really something after all…'

But Hakkai could still remember the look in Gojyo's eyes; it told him he was loved. Gojyo loved him. Needed him.

The question popped up in the back of his head; somewhere his conscious was asking 'what are you so afraid of?'

'I…I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. He's…everything to me. And if this doesn't work out…then things will never be the same.'

A certain line he had read once in one of his many books screamed out, 'but some changes are good.'

He breathed in heavily, gasping, willing the tears to stop falling.

'This isn't doing you any good. It doesn't resolve anything, and you have no right to sit here crying. Gojyo must feel awful…'

It was almost unbelievable to think that Gojyo actually returned his feelings, the feelings he had hoped…had wished for so long to be returned. It was almost an impossible notion.

'I don't know what Gojyo see's in me but…' he sniffed and the makings of a smile started to creep onto his features. 'I will not let him down this time.'

"Hello handsome." Gojyo cringed immediately. Why couldn't he just be left alone to drown in his sorrows?

He turned around to see a pretty blond come sauntering over, throwing a sensuous smile his way.

'I so don't need this right now.' He rolled his eyes and cleared his throat, ready to do what had to be done.

"You look so lonely, I thought you might like some company," the women said as she slipped onto the stool next to his, calling the bartender over.

'...How many times I've used a line similar to that...'

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't need any company sweetheart."

She leaned closer, taking the drink that was placed in front of her & using her perfectly manicured finger to swirl it around.

"Well...I do. And you look like just the man to give it to me."

Gojyo had to muffle the need to laugh. "If you would have asked me before...a few months ago maybe, I would have accepted you're offer. But not now."

'If you would have asked me then, you would have been exactly what I was looking for.'

A look of distaste crossed her features, & Gojyo couldn't help but think she's not all that pretty after all. 'I have a feeling she frowns a lot more than she smiles...'

"Why not?" the women pressed, and Gojyo knew that she was probably not leaving without a good explanation.

'Even if he doesn't feel the same, I can't do this anymore...I can't fool myself any longer.'

"I have something that's more important than this...and I don't want to..." he stopped for a moment to conjure up a fitting way to phrase it, "be a part of those kinds of activities any longer."

After it was out Gojyo clearly regretted it. 'Well that was horrible. I didn't even sound like myself. Remind me to never try talking smart again.'

The women seemed just a bit intrigued by Gojyo's words and asked, "A person?"

Gojyo didn't feel like discussing it, but thought it best to tell her so she would move on.

"Yea, so you're just wasting you're time sweetheart."

She looked offended, but continued, "It doesn't have to mean anything."

Was that supposed to help her cause?

'No…it doesn't…it never has.'

And as if finishing his thought, he told her, "And it never could with you."

Her nose scrunched up angrily and she spat out "were you even listening to what I just said? I know you're kind, I see them wonder through all the time. Even if I don't know you personally I can tell what you are."

'...Yea...definitely should have just gone back to my room.'

"What I used to be honey, I'm trying to change that. Is it so wrong to want to change you're ways?" Gojyo inquired with a smile.

Ignoring the question, she asked "What does she have that I don't?"

'Well...'

"First of all, green eyes. I hate to sound...superficial but the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen. Next, smarts."

Her eyes went wide.

"Not to say that you're stupid...but you'd have to be a genius to measure up."

She bit her lip in aggravation.

"You don't seem much like the caring & compassionate type either."

Her frown was getting worse.

"Not that I'm saying you aren't its just...you would have to be a saint to be any nicer."

"Is that all?" she retorted.

"Well I didn't mention it but...could you grow a penis? That would make you a little closer."

"You've got to be kidding me," she said dryly.

"Oh believe me, I wouldn't joke about this. I've dealt with women before...men…no. It's going to take some getting used to, but hey sometimes things just don't work out the way you would originally imagine. Plus, you know his personality is so different. He's shy...reserved, but you, it's like you have a sign saying 'insert here' " and Gojyo pointed to said area before finishing "It's nothing personal, you should understand that by now."

Looking past him, the women seemed to catch something that greatly interested her, because she smiled devilishly & leaned closer, grabbing Gojyo's hand moving it up her thigh before he had a chance to stop her.

He heard the sound of a glass shattering, and he turned around to see a bewildered Hakkai standing there, arm out, clasping only air staring at his...predicament.

Gojyo got up quickly, and used his long limbs to try and cut the distance between them but with one look back Hakkai was already up the stairs, down the hall, and shutting the door to his room.

'How did it come to this...' he wondered as he placed his hands on the door, saying loud enough so he figured Hakkai could hear him "It's not what you think, I can explain."

And though Gojyo knew it to be true...even to himself it didn't sound right and Gojyo was sure that it couldn't to Hakkai either. He had seen the look in Hakkai's eyes...and he could almost feel the heartbreak.

Author's notes: Sorry this chapter took so very long but I had a little thing called writer's block. It sucks, it really does. So I forced myself to write yesterday & this is what happened. Hope it doesn't suck too bad. Next chapter is probably the last chapter. But we'll see...after that I might decide to do a sequel sometime...if I can think of anything. But I'll keep writing GojyoxHakkai for sure either way. Love you all! You make my day so much brighter, & boost my confidence. It really helps me want to continue for you all, as well as myself.

Miffy-chan- Awww...I luff you're comments so much XD I'm glad you continue to like my efforts, & yes...sad Hakkai makes me sad also but he will be happy soon! I promise.

altered carbon- If I could put off ending this fic forever I definitely would! Lol...I've had a lot of fun writing it & reading all the lovely reviews. I'm glad you like it; hopefully we'll see some more sweet-ness before this concludes.

Shellyraeleen- HAHA...I know the feeling XD -was warm & fuzzy thinking about this chapter until it went to hell - Hope you like it though!

Raye-Raye- Thank you so much! I'm glad you've enjoyed it. About Sanzo & Goku...well I hope you noticed the few things I put in a few of the chapters I really wanted to make it seem like maybe there could be something coming close to the surface between those two & before this fic is over I would like to have another scene between them.

Attigah Gensui- ... Well I'll have to say I never was that good at Science so pardon me XD But I know last chapter was too draggy, I wanted to end it before that but it didn't want me too. And you can't argue with the fic I didn't mean that it was certain I would write a fic with Tenpou & Kenren, but, I would love too if I get some more ideas.

narrizan- Hehe, Tenpou is a very interesting man. He is very cunning & manipulative as you said. Though, while he was aware of Kenren's feelings beforehand, he just waited until...the opportune moment I suppose XD Thanks!

Yaoi-Gurls- Well...it wasn't soon & I apologize, but I hope you continue to like it. Thanks!

Luthia- LOL...well you don't have any stories up so I can't tell! I'm sure you're writing isn't as bad as you say it is. I'm just insecure, hehe. And hey, writing & brilliant should not be addressed to me if in the same sentence But I'm very glad you like it.

ForeverDreamerSakura- It's taken me awhile but hopefully it was worth the wait! Thanks, I so don't deserve an awesome but I'll take it gladly nonetheless!

Dr. Zypher- Definite style? I never expected anyone to say that XD Thanks so much for you're nice comment. I'll take you're advice to heart; I know I have a lot to work on.

Illusion Of A Lunatic- Lol...yes yes I am. I couldn't abandon this fic, I've put too much in it Hope you like.

Seiya Yaboshi- LOL, another brilliant! I am so undeserving of that kind of praise, but I thank you! I'll try to update faster next time...& not sound so negative!

Lae Lae- I guess I'm an angst addict. Lol, but I'm glad you like the fic & the pairing I can't think of a pairing I love more so it makes me happy that people think I write it well XD