"Well, you need to end things with Lavender for one." Ron's gaze began to head to his lap again, so Ginny placed his chin in-between her thumb and forefinger and lifted his eyes to hers. "And you need to talk to Hermione about this. I know you didn't mean to, but you've really hurt her Ron, and she needs to know how you feel. She deserves that."
Hermione shook her head slightly and massaged her temple to alleviate the pain that had firmly planted itself inside her skull. She should have realized that talking to Lavender in that condition had been a bad idea, but in Hermione's defense, avoiding her path would have been nearly impossible, seeing that Lavender was looking for her. Apparently, she had not seen Won-Won awake since his poisoning, which surprised Hermione because he had not slept through any of her visits. Without taking a moment to ponder whether or not she should, Hermione told Lavender this and was lectured for nearly ten minutes about the morality of boyfriend stealing.
She's one to talk…
With the manner in which Lavender had reacted, Hermione reckoned she had accidentally revealed her plan to overthrow the Ministry for Magic. She smiled slightly to herself and continued on her trek to the hospital wing; however, all musings about her run-in with Lavender came to a halt and her stomach tied into knots when its doors came into view. She had been to visit Ron frequently over the past week and during her visits with him, they had spent a reasonable amount of time alone, but Hermione had yet to begin a visit with him alone, always accompanied by Harry or Ginny, and sudden doubt penetrated her mind. Would he feign sleep for her as well? Hermione took a few moments to compose herself before entering the hospital wing where she was greeted by the sight of Ron and Ginny conversing.
Well, not so much conversing as Ginny staring into space and Ron fidgeting with his bed linens.
"Hey, Ginny. Ron," Hermione greeted as she walked toward the duo, sighing with relief. She had felt nothing but anger and resentment toward Ron for months, but seeing him sitting upright in bed, carrying out a conversation with his sister, filled her with elation. Ginny waved to her and she reciprocated the action, but Hermione could not force her eyes to stray from Ron's. She blushed in spite of herself and relayed Dean's message for Ginny concerning their lunch date.
Did I give her Harry's message as well?
Hermione could not remember because the colour in Ron's face had vanished. She was overcome with sudden worry, and should have been on her way to Madame Pomfrey's office but could not manage to make her legs to move. Ron shouted something about finishing a conversation – she noticed some colour return to his features – and then he and Hermione were alone. Immediately that blasted awkwardness, with which Hermione had grown accustomed, settled between them as both she and Ron struggled for something to say.
"How are you?" she asked, feeling instantly foolish for asking such a daft question. She understood Ron better than anyone at Hogwarts apart from Harry and Ginny, and she could tell merely by looking at him that he felt horrible. Ron's one word response of "Better" did little to ease her disappointment. He was lying and she knew they would never be able to repair their ailing friendship if he couldn't be honest with her.
Of course, she wasn't being honest with him either.
Every encounter they had suffered through since Saturday overflowed with generic questions and mindless chatter. Hermione longed for the days when a silence with Ron was comfortable and their discussions were meaningful. But she also understood how lucky they were to be communicating at all, and she would take all of the empty talk in the world over how they had been interacting just last week. Dwelling on their strained relationship only proved to increase the pressure in her skull, so heaving a discouraged sigh, Hermione resolved to disregard her situation with Ron at the moment and simply enjoy his company. Ron, unfortunately, presumed her sigh an invitation to continue with this dreadful game.
"Lovely weather we're having." Frustration threatened to overtake her, but Hermione took solace in the fact that Ron seemed just as aggravated as she felt. "Too bad I can't enjoy it, yeah?"
"Didn't Madame Pomfrey say you would be released by the end of the weekend?" Hermione knew the answer, but could think of nothing else to say. "Hopefully the weather will remain pleasant for you."
Hermione forced her mind to deviate from today's rendition of twenty questions and on to something else. Anything else. Of course as fiercely as she tried, Hermione could not prevent her mind from drifting to the reason why she and Ron were trapped in this position in the first place; the row to end all rows, as she had taken to describing it. Only two had ever been as significant as this one – third year and the Yule Ball – and after each, the transition from enemy to friend had been seamless.
So why is this so awkward?
She knew the answer to this question as well. She and Ron had been partaking in this contest of cat and mouse since third year, but never had they been as close to figuring out their relationship as they'd been before the…situation with Lavender. It was the reason why they'd rowed so horribly and the reason why things between them were so uncomfortable now. But the shift back to friendship could not be seamless this time because Hermione was not sure if they would ever be able to go back. Surely, they could pretend that their relationship was fine around everyone else, but they'd never be able to fool themselves into believing it was true. There would always be a sense of "what if?" between the two of them and Hermione could only visualize two ways to rectify the situation –either they could become something more, or cut ties completely.
Hermione couldn't help but feel that neither the former nor the latter was an option.
In order to banish the negative thoughts plaguing her mind, she turned to her safety net – homework – and retrieved her Advanced Potions textbook from her bag on the floor. Hermione set out to finish her essay and Ron, following her lead, thankfully did the same.
Hermione placed her quill quietly on Ron's bedside table and allowed her mind to wander from her Potions essay. Glancing up at him from under her eyelids, her thoughts inexorably drifted to the moment when Neville informed her of Ron's poisoning.
I haven't been that scared since fourth year, when Harry reappeared after the Third Task dragging Cedric's body with him.
The thought that she had come so close to losing Ron when their relationship was on such rocky ground caused her to forgive him instantly. For everything. The awful things they had said and done to each other seemed petty and stupid now, and even if she had to watch Ron dart between thirty different "Lavenders" she would do it. Hermione would act as if he was nothing more than her best mate for the rest of her life if necessary because nothing else mattered more than getting back what she and Ron had lost, and Hermione was determined to do just that, no matter what she would be giving up in the process.
"Sickle for your thoughts?" Ron's voice startled Hermione out of her reverie and she glanced up to find that he had failed to do much more work done than she. He was studying her intently with such concern and – something else Hermione couldn't quite place and she was suddenly overwhelmed with all of the emotions she had been holding in since Ron's birthday.
"It's just so good to have you back."
She blinked back tears, struggling to smile, but as soon as she looked into his eyes, she knew he understood her meaning. To any random stranger watching their interaction, it would appear that Hermione was simply relieved that Ron had pulled through, but they both knew the statement's meaning extended much deeper.
Ron squeezed her hand, which he was somehow already holding, and Hermione felt some of the unease between them vanish as they settled into a less uncomfortable silence. Ron resumed his schoolwork but Hermione did not do the same; Potions was the last thing on her mind. She felt utterly ridiculous for acting so hesitantly toward Ron because he had been one of her best mates since first year, but nonetheless, she had engaged in the same argument with herself before each of her visits to the hospital wing – to go, or not to go. It was during this very debate today that she overheard the tail end of Ron and Ginny's conversation.
And you need to talk to Hermione about this. I know you didn't mean to, but you've really hurt her Ron, and she needs to know how you feel. She deserves that.
Hermione had her suspicions concerning what it was Ron needed to discuss with her, but the last thing she fancied doing right now was getting her hopes up over nothing. Her emotions had taken a roller coaster ride over the past few days and if she allowed herself to feel hope about Ron's alleged feelings for her, she doubted she'd be able to prevent a mental breakdown when he inevitably rejected her. Hermione relentlessly struggled to dwell on something else, but her effort was useless. At the rate she was going, she would have to copy Ron's Potions essay, and that was unacceptable.
What does he need to discuss with me?
"Ron?"
"Yeah?" He looked up from his essay and Hermione all but lost her nerve.
I can do this.
"Did you – um – need to talk to me about anything?" Hermione inwardly flinched as she saw the colour in Ron's face drain away.
"Wha – uh – what do you mean?" he asked with an air of apprehension in his voice.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
"I just overheard Ginny advising you to talk to me but – I – well – if you don't want to, that's fine," she said, trying to sound casual and failing miserably.
How can I act casual regarding something so significant?
"Hermione – I…"
She looked intently at Ron, waiting for him to continue with baited breath, and when he did not, she fought back tears of disappointment and glanced down at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap.
"Did you hear anything else Ginny and I talked about?" His tone wasn't accusing, but even so, it caused Hermione's anxiety level to increase ten-fold.
"No," she answered blankly, praying to any god who would listen for a temporary loophole in the anti-Apparition ward at Hogwarts. She hadn't even realized she was crying until she felt the tears spill from her eyes and onto her hands. He was grasping blindly for a way out of this and she was about to give up and leave Ron to his studies when she heard him mumble a few unidentifiable words.
"What?"
"I said, I'm sorry."
Ron and Hermione had been through their fair share of rows during their six-year friendship, but this was the first time he had ever properly apologized to her. She was so flabbergasted by his words that she replied with the first statement to come to mind.
"It's all right, don't worry about it." It was a daft, textbook answer but Hermione was at a loss for words.
"No Hermione, it's not all right. We haven't spoken properly in months and I've been a complete prat."
Yes you have, but so have I.
It was as if Hermione had somehow lost the ability to use her vocal chords and as she silently sat by Ron – hands in lap, eyes on hands – she could physically feel his gaze boring into the top of her head.
"Christ Hermione, would you bloody look at me?" The words were harsh, but his tone was more frustrated than anything else and he thoughtfully placed his thumb and forefinger under her chin to force her gaze upward.
"Are you ok?"
It was this question that finally broke Hermione's strong resolve.
"No, I'm not ok," she shouted in aggravation. "How could I be?" Ron recoiled at the discordant timbre of her voice and dropped his fingers from her chin.
"You nearly died Ron, and the last thing I'd said to you was that Peeves would have made a better Prefect." Guilt and regret flooded her senses and Hermione wrenched her eyes away from Ron's.
"If I'd lost you," she said, her voice barley above a whisper, "well, I don't reckon I would have been able to live with myself." Hermione swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and hastily swiped at her tear-stained cheeks.
"Hermione-"
"You've been horrible to me Ron," she continued, ignoring Ron's attempts to hinder her declaration.
"I know I have, and I'm sor-"
"I know." Hermione gathered every ounce of courage she possessed and turned to face Ron.
"As dreadful as you've been though, I've been just as awful. I was hurt, but you didn't deserve to be treated so terribly and I'm sorry too."
Hermione and Ron stood meters apart gazing at each other, afraid to speak for fear of breaking the spell that had descended upon them. They were on the verge of a major breakthrough – Hermione could feel it. But where could they go from here? Someone needed to make the first move and she was about to do just that when the moment was broken by the sound of the bell, signifying the end of lunch. Hermione moved to gather her things but was interrupted when Ron seized her arm in an act to halt her.
"What are you doing?" he asked abruptly.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Hermione was overcome with annoyance and frustration for her situation with Ron. The opportunity to finally fix their relationship had passed and she grudgingly freed herself from Ron's grasp in order to continue collecting her belongings.
"Where are you going?"
"I have class, Ron." She finished gathering her things and started to move toward the hospital wing doors when Ron jumped out of bed, raced over to her, and spun her around to face him.
"You shouldn't be out of bed," she said, but he did not appear to hear her. He had a determined air about him and he grabbed both of her arms in his hands.
"Skive off, we need to finish this."
"We can finish this later," Hermione said, but in her heart she knew that it wasn't true. They'd never finish this. She shrugged out of Ron's grip and turned to leave again but Ron's words immobilized her with exasperation.
"No Hermione, we need to do it now."
Didn't he know that was impossible? She was about to argue her point farther when, without warning, Ron fell to his knees and doubled over in pain.
"RON!" Pushing any thoughts of class from her mind, Hermione dropped her bag to the floor and rushed to Ron's side. In a panic, she called out frantically for Madame Pomfrey while simultaneously falling to the floor next to Ron and rolling him onto his back. She began to stroke his hair comfortingly in an effort to ease his discomfort and was about to bellow for the healer again when she heard her office door burst open.
"What is the meaning of all this rack – Ms. Granger, what's happened?" she worriedly asked, briskly walking toward the spot on the ground where Hermione was kneeling next to Ron. She was whispering calm reassurances to him, but her mind was anything but calm and she could not seem to put together a coherent thought.
"I – we…um – he…"
"Relax, Ms. Granger. Ron will be fine, but I need you to explain how this happened," Madame Pomfrey replied sympathetically.
"Yes, ma'am." Hermione felt her anxiety subside at the healer's kind words and attempted to answer her question. "I was leaving – he didn't want me to, you see – so he leapt out of bed to stop me, and he – he fell over."
"Thank you, dear. Now if you could just help me put Mr. Weasley back in bed, I'll go fetch him a potion for his pain."
"No," Ron groaned, obstinately.
"Mr. Weasley, I must insist that –"
"The pain is going away." Ron stifled a gasp of pain, but he was not quick enough for Hermione. "Really," he added at the wary look on her face.
"All right, but you must stay in bed, or I won't have a choice but to give you the potion."
"Yes, ma'am."
Madame Pomfrey checked Ron one last time and set off for her office, but not before ensuring that Hermione would fetch her if anything else went amiss. When they were alone again, Hermione sank into her chair and watched as her friend struggled to find a comfortable position. He must have sensed her stare though, because Ron stopped moving and looked toward her. The awkwardness from before had returned with a vengeance, and Hermione once again prayed for a way out.
"FUCK!"
She cringed outwardly at his harsh tone and choice of words but refrained from admonishing him. This was neither the time nor the place.
"Are you all right?" she asked instead.
" I hate this," he bellowed into the empty room. "I'm rubbish at everything, Hermione. I've let Harry down, I'm too much of a coward to face Lavender, and I've made a complete mess of us," he said, pointing between Hermione and himself. "Fuck, I can't even get out of bed without hurting myself."
"Ron –"
"It's no wonder you snogged Krum."
"I would hardly call it snogging, and be–"
Hermione stopped herself when her brain caught up with what Ron had spoken.
Wait, how does he…
"How do you know about Victor and me?"
If Ginny told him, I swear to Merlin I'll –
"Ginny told me."
…kill her.
"What? When? How?" she stuttered in quick succession. All of her blood had rushed from her head to her stomach. She was going to be sick.
"Harry and I caught Ginny with Dean and she started spouting off about how I was the only wizard at Hogwarts who hadn't snogged anyone, so I –"
"When?" she interrupted.
"Just before Christmas."
Ron carried on with his explanation but Hermione didn't hear a word of it. Sudden comprehension had flooded her mind and she could neither see nor hear anything else.
Just before Christmas.
"Is that why you did it?" It wasn't a specific question, but Ron didn't need any further explanation.
"Yes."
"Why?" she cried out with painful exasperation. There was no stopping the tears that quickly formed and fell from Hermione's eyes this time. Ron was fidgeting again, now from nervousness instead of pain, and he glanced down at his hands, wringing in his lap.
"I reckoned I'd never be able to compare to him – that I'd never be good enough for you."
"So, what, you thought that snogging Lavender would make it all better?"
"Yes. I mean no…well – I…you deserve the best Hermione. Better than me…"
Ron trailed off and the tension between them reached new, stratospheric heights. Hermione had a hard time believing this was how Ron truly felt, but one look at his slumped shoulders and downtrodden eyes confirmed his words as truth. It was the most open and honest Ron had ever been with her and Hermione would not just sit there and lead him to believe he was right.
"I wish you had talked to me about this instead of – of…"
"So do I," he responded. "Everything would be different now, if I had."
Yes, it would. Very different indeed.
"It's not too late, you know." Hermione supposed that it truly wasn't too late, and for the first time, she actually believed the two of them would be able to straighten this whole mess out. Ron's posture instantly straightened and her heart swelled as he admired her with hope and wonderment.
He believed it too.
"No, I don't reckon it is," Ron said, breathlessly. His tone was soft and gentle as he placed his palm on Hermione's cheek in order to wipe away the tears that were falling from her eyes. The atmosphere in the hospital wing was suddenly charged with possibility and even though her tears were gone, Ron did not remove his hand from her face. Instead, he began to caress her cheek with his thumb and Hermione was frozen in anticipation. His gaze briefly shifted to her mouth and back, but as quick as the action was, it did not go unnoticed. She watched in awe as Ron licked his lips hungrily and she unconsciously licked her own as his forehead tilted down to rest on hers.
Oh Merlin, he's going to kiss me.
"Ron?" she asked in breathless anticipation; a question left unanswered as his lips descended on hers.
The kiss was chaste at first, but it quickly turned more passionate and Hermione felt herself on the verge of losing control. His tongue trailed along her teeth, pleading for admission and Hermione could feel Ron surrender all of himself to her. Overcoming the urge to run, she gave in to Ron and followed his lead, pouring her heart and soul out to him: the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the passion, the love. Every feeling she had ever experienced for Ron but could not put into words, she put into kissing him.
Ron's lips left Hermione's and she whimpered in protest, but the whimper quickly turned into a moan of bliss as he began to trail sweet butterfly kisses across her jaw. Her restraint slipped even farther. She became light-headed and when the trail came to an end at her pulse point, a shock wave of pure, unadulterated pleasure radiated through her body. He nipped at the spot on her neck just behind her ear and Hermione was suddenly lost, drowning in a sea of desire and love. She tilted her head just so in order to grant Ron better access and made a mental note to thank Lavender for his wonderful technique when an emotion that had nothing to do with love, passion, or desire settled into her gut. It was guilt.
Lavender.
"Ron –" Hermione tried to draw Ron out of his lustful state, but the assertion of his name resonated as a moan and Ron's mouth moved from her neck to her lips, increasing in pressure and fervour.
Suddenly, the drowning sensation Hermione had just praised felt stifling and dishonest and she mentally reprimanded herself for losing control the way she had. She removed her hands from Ron's hair and placed them on his chest, prepared to use force if necessary.
"Ron," she declared vehemently but he still continued to kiss her soundly.
"Merlin, 'Mione."
'Mione?
This had to end now.
"Ron, stop," Hermione uttered, gently pushing him away with her hands. He reluctantly ended the kiss and studied her eyes with trepidation when he seemed to notice the anxiety radiating from them.
"What's wrong, love?"
Is he trying to kill me?
"What are you feeling right now?" she asked with an air of determination in her voice. Hermione had not planned on hashing all of this out today, but that kiss had changed things.
It had changed everything, really.
Hermione did not know what answer to expect, but the answer he ultimately gave had never entered her mind as a possibility.
"Well, I reckon I'm in love with you."
Sod Lavender.
"Oh, Ron…"
Hermione threw her arms around Ron and cried into his shoulder, finally allowing herself to feel all of the emotions she had been holding back since Christmas. Ron loved her.
"'Mione – shh – don't cry, love."
Hermione slowly quieted her tears and lifted her head up to study Ron's face. What she saw reflected in his eyes was a look she had only seen in her fantasies.
I've been waiting years for him to look at me that way.
Hermione was lost again, and suddenly could not remember why kissing Ron was a bad idea. It wasn't until a few moments later, as Ron found that glorious spot on her neck again, that her memories came rushing back to the forefront of her mind.
"Ron," she declared while pushing him away again.
"Hmm?" He looked so flustered and just as lost as Hermione felt.
Wow.
She shook her head and tried to focus her mind on the task at hand; however, it was proving more difficult the longer she waited and she was dangerously close to losing control again.
"Ron, we can't do this."
"Why not?" It was an innocent question full of hurt and confusion and she felt her heart begin to crack.
"Have you forgotten about your girlfriend? Lavender? Won-Won? Does any of this sound familiar to you?"
Hermione could literally feel all of the tension, momentarily forgotten, rush back into the room like a tsunami. She braved a look at Ron and her heart firmly broke in two at the devastation she saw written on his face. It abruptly occurred to her that he had poured his heart out to her and all she had done was kiss him, cry on his shoulder, and remind him about his girlfriend.
Shite.
"Ron,"
"No, it's all right. I get it."
No, he doesn't.
"Ron, I –"
"I should have known solving this issue with us wouldn't be easy."
"Ron, listen to me." She looked straight into his eyes and said what she had been waiting for three years to say. "I've been in love with you for a very long time. When you agreed to go to Professor Slughorn's Christmas party with me, I'd never been happier, but then I saw you with Lavender, and…I – I've never been quite that hurt."
"Is that why you went with McLaggan? To get even with me?"
"I wanted you to be jealous and I reckon a part of me wanted to hurt you for getting off with her, but I knew as soon as I arrived at the party with him that I'd made a mistake."
And not just because he wouldn't let me be all night, either. It wasn't Cormac's fault that I'd wanted to be there with someone else.
"I'm so sorry, Hermione," he pleaded and Hermione detected a hitch in his voice. "I've been terrible and I wouldn't blame you if you don't forgive me."
He had it all wrong.
"No Ron, that's not what I was suggesting." She paused in order to make certain he would allow her go on without interruption. When he stayed silent, she continued. "The pain I felt when I saw you with her was raw, deep, and very real. It has taken me a long time to overcome it and I refuse to sit here and let you be the cause of that pain for Lavender, as well. I may not care for her much, but she doesn't deserve that type of treatment and I would never forgive myself if I allowed it to happen."
Silence proceeded Hermione's words as both she and Ron pondered all that had been said between the two of them since her arrival in the hospital wing.
"What can I do to fix this, Hermione?" It was the question of the hour, and she only had one answer.
"I love you, Ron, and I want to be with you more than I've ever wanted anything, but I won't be the other woman. It's not fair to you, me, or Lavender, and I can't do it." It was a testament to Hermione's courage that she didn't run crying when her declaration was met with deafening silence. Instead she asked the question that had been eating away at her mind for months.
"Are you happy with her?" She held her breath, waiting for Ron's response. When he did reply, she had to strain her ears to hear him properly.
"How can I be happy with Lavender, when I'm in love with you?"
"Then why haven't you left her?" Hermione felt as if she and Ron were traveling in circles and her frustration, as well as those ruddy tears, threatened to engulf her once more.
"I honestly don't know, but I do know that I love you too, and I would never make you the other woman. After everything I've put you through, you deserve better and I never want to hurt you again." Ron's proclamation was spoken with such care and affection that Hermione nearly kissed him again.
He loves me and never wants to hurt me again, yet he's still with Lavender.
Hermione realized what she was about to ask was a tad bold and completely out of character for her, but she knew she would never be able to rest until she had the answer.
"Could you ever…I mean…um…what I'm trying to say is…" Hermione was floundering. She was aware that she had to ask him this, but couldn't quite figure out how to phrase it.
"What is it, Hermione?"
Just ask him, already.
"Would you be willing to end things with Lavender…for me?" She grimaced slightly at the presumptuousness she had demonstrated and prepared for another row with Ron, but he surprised her by taking her hands and looking into her eyes with compassion and love.
"'Mione, I'd do anything for you." A bright smile graced Ron's features and somehow, Hermione knew that it was reserved for her alone. She threw herself into his arms, and finally allowed herself to believe that everything would truly work out in the end.
"So, until then?" she asked hopefully, pulling back from their embrace in order to see his face.
"Until then."
Hermione smiled brightly at Ron and the couple settled into a silence that was anything but awkward.