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Silent motions: Epilogue

"Time goes, you say? Ah no!
Alas, time stays, we go..."

It's been five years and never, not once before did I come to visit you here. Do you hate me for that, Heero? I didn't even come to your funeral, I couldn't. I had to let Wufei tell me how poor a ceremony it was. You didn't have many friends, did you? The ones you had felt betrayed after the truth came out and so they just didn't show when you were to be put underground for the rest of your death.

You were quite the bad boy, Heero. For a while I tried blaming it on the war, but I know that was not all fair. Sure, it's played a role. J's conditioning played a role as well, but I doubt they could have influenced your personality to such extremes.

You had a temper, Heero. Whenever adrenaline got you warmed up, you were all for action. Only afterwards did you stop to let realization of what our actions had caused strike you with full force. But whether you'd achieved your goal or had screwed up big time considering the intentions of a mission, it never held you back. You longed for action, you always needed more. You needed to know you could make a difference, however small it was.

I felt it even on L2, I felt how you missed the action. Settling down just wasn't your thing. Maybe you were even... content –it is not exactly the word I'm looking for but it'll do– when they came to hunt you down, for it did mean action. After months of the quiet life, just living, knowing you didn't really mean much to anyone –anyone but me– I saw you grow restless, however slight. At that time, I had chosen to ignore it, though.

But God, the way you looked at me when you came to take me with you, away from preventers, away from L2. I was scared, Heero. Not once before had I seen you like that, not even during the war. Oh, I remember it now, Heero. By then I remembered it all again; the missions, the fighting, the goal, the deaths. But that moment you came back for me, I would rather fight a thousand wars, shed a million tears than seeing you like that again. And you know what? That movie thing, where within a second you're supposed to see your life flashing before your very eyes? Didn't happen. All I saw was you and the gun and a blurring background of the cottage which for years I'd called my home.

I left L2, did you know that? There was a bounty on your head and since I'd been the one to lead to your... capture, I was entitled to that money. I felt bad for taking it, I refused it at first, but so much had happened by then. I could no longer live in my own home without seeing you there, without being reminded of you. In the mornings I could barely find the will to get up and move my ass to that scrap yard for another hard day of work, only to come home to a place that would forever smell of blood. Your blood.

Wufei remained on L2 for a couple of weeks after your death and kept offering the money to me. I think somehow he saw I needed to get away from the life that you'd entered and left. In the end, I took the money, calming my conscience by reminding myself of that promise I'd made to Hilde on her deathbed. I promised her I wouldn't stay on L2 forever, I promised her that one day when my ship came in, I'd sell the whole deal and find myself a better way to live.

You got me off L2, Heero. Not in the way you had meant to, but I could leave thanks to you. Well, at the expense of you more like it. God, that sounds hard.

I went to live on the earth and you know what? I live only six blocks down from here. I could've walked up here and visited this place whenever I wanted, but I never did. I avoided it, knowing what I would find here, finality, your death, my past, everything I had once wished I would never have to deal with again.

Considering all that, I might as well tell you why, today of all days, I decided it was finally time.

Trowa gets out of prison today.

You remember Trowa, right? He's the one who sold you out. By sacrificing you and many others, he was able to gain a minimum sentence, in a maximum security prison. Five years is all he got and he gets out on 'good behavior' too. I bet, with his selling all of you out he could've killed half the prisoners and still get out on 'good behavior'.

I haven't seen him since the war ten years ago. He was then sixteen-or-so, just a teenager, like we all were. I have no idea what he looks like now, but I can't say I really care. I hated him for what he did to you, when Chang convinced me to stop blaming myself for all that had happened I used him as a substitute to be blamed for your death. But really, that wasn't all fair, for dead as you are, you should take some of the blame too. Maybe I could squeeze Une and Chang in the guilt trip as well.

Really, what's the use of blaming anyone? It won't change the outcomes, it won't bring you back from the dead and it won't bring us together again. We will never be together again and I realize that, for neither you nor I ever really believed in a place such as heaven or hell.

I moved on, you know, or at least I tried my best. Here on earth laws are much better, much more sophisticated that they were on L2. The government sponsors scholars here so I managed to get an education. I started doing 'fun' things again now that I no longer had to work my butt off. I hated it at first, I hated this whole life for I'd been independent since way before you came to find me and all of a sudden I was being offered help from all sides. Worst of all was the fact that I had to work for someone else now. I got fired four times before I managed to compromise and realize I was no longer the one in charge of whatever place I worked.

I started dating too, you know. I found a couple of good guys I could have a laugh with and I even fell in love once or twice. But so far nothing lasted very long. I have yet to find a person who can make me as whole as you did. Or maybe I've just set my standards too high. Maybe after today, after coming here, I can indeed finally close this chapter of my life.

And who knows, maybe after this day I can finally find the strength to forgive myself.

End of part IV, End of story

THE END

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princess