A/N: Hey guys. Another update. And for Haunted Mansion too...now if I can only keep it up...
read and review!
peace, love and lipgloss,
Mlle.Fox
DISNEY'S
HAUNTED MANSION: THE SERIES
EPISODE 103: THE DATE FROM H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS
(SCENE ONE: INTERIOR FOYER)
(EDWARD IS JUST OUTSIDE CURTAIN OF LIBRARY PEEKING IN; WHEN RAMSLEY COMES UP BEHIND HIM)
RAMSLEY: Sir? What on earth are you...
EDWARD: (TURNS TO HIM) Shush! I can't hear!
RAMSLEY: Can't hear what Sir? (LAUGHTER HEARD FROM INSIDE LIBRARY)
EDWARD: (ANNOYED) That! (AL)
RAMSLEY: I take it then, Sir...you do not fancy Miss Daniels installing the 'television cable'?
EDWARD: I don't mind the television cable, I mind the Cable Man! Do you know what's going on in there? First he shows up...TWO HOURS LATE...then he called me...'Pops' and asked me 'How's it hangin?' I shan't tell you what that phrase means! (AL)
RAMSLEY: Thank you sir! (AL)
EDWARDS: And despite of his crude sense of humor, utter lack of morals and professionalism, Miss Daniels is throwing herself at him like a common guttersnipe!
RAMSLEY: Are you jealous Sir?
EDWARD: (SCOFFS) Jealous? Jealous of what? (LES AND CABLE GUY ENTER FROM LIBRARY. CABLE GUY IS HANDSOME, BUFF AND TANNED)
RAMSLEY: Shall I take a wild guess sir? (AL)
LESLIE: (TO CABLE GUY) Well Joey it was real great meetin' ya!
JOEY: (JERSEY ACCENT) Same here too Doll! Say how about hookin' up sometime, eh?
LESLIE: If you mean a lobster dinner and a little dancin'...I can live with that! (WINKS; AL)
JOEY: Great! I'll pick you up at eight!
LESLIE: You know where I live!
JOEY: And I already got your phone number! (AL)
EDWARD: (MUTTERS TO RAMSLEY) Ramsley have the phone number changed won't you? (AL)
JOEY: (TO EDWARD) Hey Mr. G! I got another joke for ya!
EDWARD: (INSINCERE) Splendid!
JOEY: Why does a blond and McDonald's have in common?
EDWARD: (SIGHS) I don't know!
JOEY: A blonde serves more people in a night! Ah heheheh! (AL AND GROAN)
EDWARD: Yes well...I certainly didn't see that one coming! (AL)
JOEY: (TO LES) Okay Doll, I've got to get out of here!
LESLIE: Bye Joey. Boys you can show Joey out can't ya?
RAMSLEY: With pleasure Miss! (AL) (LES EXITS UP STAIRS)
EDWARD: (TRYING TO BE NICE) Well Joseph see you tonight then!
JOEY: Oh yeah! I can't wait to have dinner with Leslie tonight...and between you a me...hopefully tomorrow morning for breakfast! Ah heheheh! (JOEY EXITS: AUDIENCE: "OOhhh!" EDWARD LOOKS UNEASILY TO RAMSLEY)
RAMSLEY: I do hope he means the IHop! (AL)
FAD TO BLACK
OPENING CREDITS
THE HAUNTED MANSION
(TITLE SEQUENCE SHOWS ART GALLERY WITH LIGHTNING STRIKING. RAVEN'S SONG 'SUPERSTITION" PLAYS. ZOOM IN ON PORTRAIT OF NATHANIEL PARKER. PORTRAIT MOVES FROM STANDING STRAIGHT BEHIND ARMCHAIR TO SMILING AND LEANING ON BACK OF CHAIR WITH ELBOW.
ZOOM LEFT TO PORTRAIT OF TERRANCE STAMP STANDING STRAIGHT WITH ARMS BEHIND BACK AND STOIC EXPRESSION. PORTRAIT MOVES TO SHOW RAMSLEY FLICKING LINT OF SHOULDER AND TURNING UP THE CORNER OF HIS LIPS.
ZOOM LEFT TO BREATHING DOOR
ZOOM LEFT TO DOUBLE PORTRAIT OF WALLACE SHAWN AND DINA WATERS, STANDING LIKE PAINTING OF "AMERICAN GOTHIC" WITH GRACEY MANOR IN BACKGROUND, EMMA HOLDING A FEATHER DUSTER. PORTRAIT MOVES TO HAVE EMMA DUST VASE OUTSIDE PORTRAIT IN HALLWAY AND EZRA TO ROLL EYES.
ZOOM LEFT TO 'PORTRAIT' OF STACEY ST.CLAIRE SMILING. ADJUSTS HAIR; CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL PORTRAIT IS A MIRROR AND LESLIE TURNS TO AUDIENCE. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND ROOM CHANGES TO BALLROOM. GHOSTS FLY IN WINDOWS AND OTHERS DRESS IN COSTUME DANCE ALL AROUND. CAST STANDS IN FRONT OF ORGAN AND SMILES AT CAMERA. JENNIFER TILLY AS MADAME LEOTA FLOATS UP IN FLOWING GREEN BALL AS A HEAD, ZOOMS IN ON CAMERA. FADS TO BLACK.
(FAD IN ON LES AND EMMA IN INTERIOR BEDROOM. LES' ROOM IS A MESS WITH CLOTHES AND SHOES. LES IS THROWING THINGS OUT OF HER CLOSET INTO EMMA'S ARMS. AL AS EMMA'S HEAD IS GETTING COVERED AND SHE STUMBLES TRYING TO KEEP HER BALANCE.
LESLIE: (IN CLOSET) Clothes, clothes everywhere and not a ensemble for Joey's ever lovin' eyes to drink upon! (AL)
EMMA: (MUFFLED) When I can't find anything to wear, I just stick with the basics!
LESLIE: Emma Sugar everythang you've got is basic! Down to your Granny panties! (AL)
EMMA: (FLOPS PILE ON BED) I do not wear Granny panties! I wear bloomers! (AL)
LESLIE: Okay Great-Great Granny panties! (AL)
EMMA: So what's Mr. Joey like?
LESLIE: (SIGHS) Well, he ain't too bright...not very mature and he's a bit on the corny side.
EMMA: So why are you going out with him?
LESLIE: 'Cause he's cute, employed and smitten with me! Have to account for taste! (AL)
EMMA: (SMILES IN MEMORY) That's why I agreed to marry Ezra! That and our employer at the time caught us in the stables...(AL)
LESLIE: (IN BATHROBE, COMES OUT OF CLOSET A BIT) See...that's what I want. Em Baby you're so lucky to have somebody even after you're dead! Me, I'd like to find a man with a pulse! (AL)
EMMA: What does that mean?
LESLIE: (SIGHS, CROSSES TO VANITY, STARTS TO PICK OUT JEWELRY) Well to be perfectly honest, the only man I've been attracted to in the last five years is Mr.Gracey. My dumb luck is that the first handsome, charming, polite millionaire I meet and am attracted to is technically six feet under! (AL)
EMMA: Well, maybe you'll meet someone like Mr.Gracey who happens to be alive!
LESLIE: (TURNS TO HER, HAND ON HIP) Who? Prince William? (AL)
EMMA: (CHEERFULLY) There you go! (AL)
LESLIE: (SHAKES HEAD) Well, I have faith that my Prince will come, course I think he's comin' in a towncar not a white van with a picture of a smiling TV on legs! (AL)
(SCENE TWO, FAD TO INTERIOR LIBRARY, EDWARD IS ON SECOND LANDING IN LIBRARY, RAMSLEY AND EZRA LOOKING UP AT HIM.)
EDWARD: (SNAPS BOOK SHUT) We have to stop Miss Daniels from going out with that neanderthal!
EZRA: How Sir? She's excited about it!
RAMSLEY: (AS EDWARD COMES DOWN CIRCULAR STAIRCASE) That's right Sir. And she's a grown woman. And she consented to the date so we have no right to interfer.
EDWARD: As a gentleman I do! I can't let a lady possibly endanger her virture.
EZRA: I don't know...nowadays a lady's virture is an endangered species! (AL)
RAMSLEY: What do you mean?
EZRA: (LEADS THEM OVER TO TV, TAKES UP REMOTE) Let me show ya! (TURNS ON TV)
EDWARD: You know how to work that blasted contraption?
EZRA: Well it's not exactly brain surgery Sir. I just have to push the power button, shut off the VCR, switch to sallelite, turn on the TIVO, press view and I'm good to go! (AL AS EDWARD AND RAMSLEY LOOK CONFUSED) Now if I can only figure out how to stop the VCR from flashing '12:00'! (AL)
RAMSLEY: (DRYLY) A great mystery of the universe I imagine! (AL)
EZRA: (FLIPS THROUGH CHANNELS, STOPS) Okay, here we go...Exhibit A! Dr. Ruth! Over eighty years old and America's leading SEX therapist!
EDWARD: (QUIETLY) Oh.
EZRA: (FLIPS CHANNELS, STOPS) Exhibit B...A little show about four single thrity year old women who talk openly about their affairs and sex lives called 'Sex in the City'.
RAMSLEY: (NODS) Oh!
EZRA: (FLIPS CHANNELS, STOPS) And last but certainly not least...Exhibit C...Brittney Spears!
EDWARD AND RAMSLEY: (DISGUSTED) OOHHH!
EZRA: (TURNS TV OFF) And there you have it! Women in the twenty first century have lost their sense of virture.
EDWARD: Well I'm going to help Miss Daniels find hers.
RAMSLEY: How sir?
EDWARD: (AS IF SOMETHING JUST OCCURS TO HIM) We're ghosts!
EZRA: Sir...you just now realized this? (AL)
EDWARD: No! What if we invite Joseph to have dinner here, but the moment he's alone...he unfortunately discovers the ghosts of long ago...! (EZRA NODS IN UNDERSTANDING)
RAMSLEY: If we are to do what you suggest Sir, don't let Disney find out! That's all I need for them to make a sequel! (AL) (FAD OUT)
(LATER THAT DAY; SCENE THREE, DOORBELL SOUNDS, "DUM - DUM -DA DUM -DA DA DA DA DA DA -DUM!" (AL) RAMSLEY CROSSES FOYER TO ANSWER DOOR, JOEY ON OTHER SIDE IN SPORTS COAT AND JEANS)
JOEY: You know Rosley that doorbell yous got is a real downer! (AL)
RAMSLEY: Yes Sir. Won't you come in?
JOEY: (COMES IN) Dont' mind if I do Rosley!
RAMSLEY: (SHUTS DOOR) Ramsley!
JOEY: Ay? (AL)
RAMSLEY: My name Sir, is Ramsley!
JOEY: Cool. Say how's about a somethin' to wet the whistle, ey Rosley? (AL)
RAMSLEY: (GIVES UP) Very good Sir. (WALKS OFF. JOEY LOOKS AROUND FOYER IMPRESSED. SUDDENLY EDWARD IS BEHIND HIM)
JOEY: (JUMPS, CLUTCHES HEART) Whoa! Hey! Mr. G., you scared me! I was Captain of the wrestling team, you shouldn't sneak up on old Joe Tornado! (MOCK BOXES WITH HIM)
EDWARD: I apoligize Joseph. I shan't make that mistake again. So, where are you taking Miss Daniels tonight?
JOEY: (SHRUGS) I don't know! I was thinkin' Arby's! (AL)
EDWARD: Ah, is that some romantic little getaway?
JOEY: No, but they're cheap! Best roast beef sandwiches around! It's a national chain!
EDWARD: Ah...one of those...fast food establishments...I would imagine Miss Daniels would perfer something a little more romantic!
JOEY: You know I thought of that...so I'm also taking her to one of those dirty dancing clubs! Get real close you know? (ELBOWS HIM)
EDWARD: (OFFENDED) I know...
JOEY: And then if I'm lucky (TAKES OUT MINTS) I'll get lucky! (AUDIENCE: "Ohh") Tic Tak? (OFFERS, AL)
EDWARD: No thank you...
(LES ENTERS DOWN STAIRS, IN SEXY SHORT RED DRESS AND PUMPS. AUDIENCE: "Whhooo!" BOTH JOEY AND EDWARD ARE SLACK JAWED)
JOEY: Baby, you look phat!
EDWARD: Fat? Sir she is anything but overweight! (AL)
LESLIE: (DRYLY) P...H...A...T! It means I look nice.
EDWARD: Oh, my error.
LESLIE: (BATS LASHES) So Joe! Where we goin'?
EDWARD: (INTERUPTS) Actually Miss Daniels I have a surprise for you both. I've taken the liberty of having a small private supper cooked for you both in the ballroom. You'll be completely alone...
LESLIE: That's really nice of you Mr. Gracey but we...
JOEY: Stay out of this baby! What's on the menu? (AL)
EDWARD: Roast rack of lamb...buttered carrots...Baked Alaska! Have does that sound?
JOEY: Sounds great!
LESLIE: (TAKES HIM OFF TO SIDE) Joey! I wanted to go out tonight!
JOEY: We will Baby! I was planning to take you dancing!
LESLIE: (DELIGHTED) Oh! Then I guess it'd be okay!
EDWARD: (RAMSLEY REENTERS CARRYING DRINK OF SILVER PLATTER) Wonderful. Ramsley shall be delighted to serve you tonight, won't you Ramsley?
RAMSLEY: (STONE FACED) I'm shaking in anticipation! (AL)
JOEY: Great! Say you got a guest bathroom where I can wash up? My Ma told me to always wash my hands before a meal! (AL)
LESLIE: Oh! Up the stairs, turn right down the hall, go down twenty doors, turn left, down the whole hall, turn right, go up a little set of stairs, thrid door on the right can't miss it. (AL)
JOEY: (CONFUSED) Kay...( TAKES DRINKS, DOWNS IT. AL. EXITS UP STAIRS)
LESLIE: (TO EDWARD AND RAMSLEY) Well I guess I better get washed up myself in my room. I'll be right back. Oh, and Ramsley! I want ya in an' out tonight like bellbottoms, Comprende? (AL)
RAMSLEY: Oui Mam'selle! (AL AS LES TRYS TO FIGURE OUT STATEMENT, WAVES IT OFF, EXITS UP STAIRS)
EDWARD: Is Ezra ready?
RAMSLEY: He's standing by, Sir.
EDWARD: Good. You know what to do. (EXITS BY FADING OUT UP STAIRS)
(SCENE FOUR: JOEY WANDERING AROUND MANSION LOST, OPENS DOOR HOPING IT TO BE BATHROOM, GASPS AT CROW FLYING OUT DOOR. RECOVERS. OPENS NEXT DOOR, GREAT WIND COMES OUT. SHUTS DOOR WITH CONFUSED LOOK ON FACE. AL. )
(SCENE FIVE, LES ENTERS SEANCE ROOM, TAPS CRYSTAL BALL)
LESLIE: Hey! Hey! Hellooo! Madame Leota! Leota!
LEOTA: (HEAD APPEARS, TURNS AROUND IN BALL TO LES ANNOYED) What? What? I was just watching the Yankees game! (AL)
LESLIE: My condolences. (AL) Madame Leota, I need a favor. Can you look into the near distant future and tell me if I'm gonna have fun tonight with my date?
LEOTA: Sadly no, I have to say. For your earthly companion will run away.
LESLIE: Run away? What for?
LEOTA: He's about to discover the secret of this house and those that will chase him out like a cat with a mouse.
LESLIE: (DETERMINED) Gracey! (EXITS)
LEOTA: (TO GAME) Ah come on Ump! That was on the line! (AL)
(SCENE SIX, JOEY WANDERING AROUND MANSION, TRIES A DOOR, GASPS AT BODY HANGING BY A NOOSE FROM THE CEILING)
JOEY: (SHOCKED) OMG! (SHUTS DOOR, EDWARD IS THE BODY, OPENS EYES, GRINS AS HE FLOATS DOWN)
JOEY: Okay, okay, okay! Just stay calm and find a phone...(PHONE APPEARS TO RIGHT IN BLUE MIST, JOEY JUMPS) Ask and ye shall recieve! (AL, PICKS UP RECIEVER, DIALS 911) Hello? Yous got to send someone over here right away! Someone's hung himself!
VOICE: (WE RECOGNIZE IT AS RAMSLEY'S; WHISPERS) Get...out...
JOEY: (WIDE EYED, CREEPED OUT, SQUEAKS) Yes sir! (AL, JOEY HANGS UP, BACKS UP, BUMPS INTO EZRA IN GHOST FORM AND DRESSED IN CHAINS, SCREAMS LIKE LITTLE GIRL, AL)
EZRA: (MOANS) Leave...Leave this cursed place! (JOEY FROZEN STIFF) Well what are ya waiting for an engraved invitation? (AL) GO! (JOEY SCREAMS, RUNS DOWN HALL. EZRA CHUCKLING TO HIMSELF, EMMA MANIFEST TO HIS RIGHT)
EMMA: What are you doing?
EZRA: (JUMPS) Ah! Don't do that! (AL)
EMMA: (HANDS ON HIPS) Are you scaring Mr. Joey? Why are you doing that? Les has been looking forward to tonight!
EZRA: He insulted your cooking.
EMMA: (EYES FLAMES RED, ANGRY) What! (AL)
(SCENE SEVEN; DOWNSTAIRS FOYER, JOEY RUNNING DOWN STAIRS, LOOKS OVER SHOULDER; EMMA MANIFESTS IN FRONT OF HIM AS GIANT ANGRY HEAD SURROUNDED BY BLUE MIST AND RED FLAMES)
EMMA: Who are you to insult my cooking? I went to the Boston Cooking School!
JOEY: (SHRIEKS LIKE GIRL, RUNS OUT DOOR.)
(EMMA UNMANIFESTS BACK TO NORMAL, EZRA, RAMSLEY AND EDWARD FAD IN BEHIND HER LAUGHING THEIR HEADS OFF AND CONGRATULATING EACH OTHER)
EMMA: (UNDERSTANDS) Oh! What did you make me do?
EDWARD: (STEPS FORWARD IN FRONT OF THEM) Don't be overly concerned Emma. We did Miss Daniels a favor by scaring off that reptile! Did you see the look on his face? (LAUGHS, BUT SERVANTS GROW SILENT AS THEY SEE A FURIOUS LES CASUALLY WALK DOWN STAIRS)
RAMSLEY: Sir...
EDWARD: (CONTINUES) I mean when I appeared as a hanging corspe, that was classic and when Ramsley told him to get out, I thought that was hilarious! But when you showed up in chains Ezra, I thought he was going to soil himself! (LAUGHS, LES COMES OFF STAIRS)
EZRA: Sir...
EDWARD: (CONTINUES) And the grand finale, that couldn't have been planned! It was so brilliant!
EMMA: (WORRIED) Sir...
EDWARD: (LAUGHTER FADS TO NERVOUS CHUCKLE) She's behind me isn't she? (AL, LES FOLDS ARMS)
EZRA: Well Sir have you ever heard the expression, 'If looks could kill...'? Well...just be grateful you're already dead! (AL)
(FAD OUT TO SCENE EIGHT, NEXT MORNING. LES SITTING AT BREAKFAST TABLE SET UP IN CONSERVATORY, EMMA SERVES HER JUICE)
LESLIE: Thank you Emma!
EMMA: Again...I just want to say I had no intentional part in last night! (AL)
LESLIE: And again, I say I understand...(DRYLY) for the seventy-second time this mornin'! (AL. A WHITE HANDKERCHIEF AND ARM MANIFESTS OUT OF WALL, WAVES AROUND)
EMMA: (AS LES GLARES AND TAKES UP NEWSPAPER) You can come in Sir!
EDWARD: (ENTERS THROUGH WALL, LOOKS AT LES. STOPS EMMA FROM EXITING WITH TRAY) Emma...how's her disposition this morning?
EMMA: Well sir, you know how she is around the twenty eighth day of the month? (AL, EDWARD NODS. EMMA TURNS A BIT DRY AND SARCASTIC) Like that times ten! (AL, EMMA EXITS)
EDWARD: (TO LES, TRYING TO BE CHEERFUL) Good morning Miss Daniels! (MOVES TO SIT IN OTHER CHAIR, LES TIPS IT OVER WITH FOOT, CROSSES LEGS, AL) I'll stand Thank you! (AL) Miss Daniels...how many times do I have to apoligize for last night?
LESLIE: (FROM BEHIND PAPER) How long you gonna be dead? (AL)
EDWARD: (LEANS ON TABLE) To be honest, I'm not sorry! That cretin was planning to take advantage of you and compromise your virtue! I did what any gentleman would have done!
LESLIE: (FOLDS PAPER) Okay, any gentleman woulda just tossed him out on his ear, not fad in outta nowhere and say 'Boo!'. (AL)
EDWARD: Well, perhaps my actions were a bit juvenile, but my intentions were good. You are my friend Miss Daniels and I couldn't have let that fool think you a common strumpet!
LESLIE: Lordy you're so adorable! (AL) But Mr. Gracey, I'm a bit girl! If he'd tried somethin' I would have kneed him right in the Fruit of his Looms.(AL) Besides, I practice absentnance! I believe a man and woman shouldn't engage in sex unless they're marriage...And those conceptional unions don't count cause living together's different than being married! (AL) So while I appreciate the thought behind the gester...I can take care of myself!
EDWARD: (TURNS CHAIR UPRIGHT, SITS CLOSE TO HER) But you're a lady! A lady should have a gentleman take care of her.
LESLIE: (LOOKS BITTERSWEETLY AT HIM) I've got news for ya. Gentlemen are dead. (STANDS AND EXITS, EDWARD STANDS AT HER LEAVING THE TABLE, THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE SITS BACK DOWN. TAKES UP PAPER)
EDWARD: (AS IF TO LES) But the spirit remains...
(FAD OUT)
(TAG END)
(RAMSLEY STANDS BY AS EDWARD SITS ON SETTEE IN FRONT OF TELEVISION, EZRA SITTING ON EDGE OF ARM, MOCK BOXING)
EDWARD: HA! You know, I get used to this television cable. Do you realize that I almost never got to see a boxing match up close? And now I can watch one whenever it comes on!
(LES, EMMA RUN IN, LEOTA FLOATS BEHIND THEM, LES TAKES REMOTE FROM EZRA, CHANGES CHANNEL)
EZRA: Hey! We were watching that!
EMMA: Shush! (AL)
EDWARD: Miss Daniels, what could be so bloody important that you confiscate the television cable?
LESLIE: (AS IF IT'S OBVIOUS) 'Desperate Housewives' is on! (AL)
EDWARD: But...
ALL THREE WOMEN: Shush! (AL)
RAMSLEY: (AS EDWARD AND EZRA STAND AND JOIN HIS SIDE PERTURBED) Well, would anyone care for a drink?
EDWARD AND EZRA: Yesterday! (AL)
(FAD OUT)
(CLOSING CREDITS)