My ribs are bruised. Badly. And its sick, but Johnny knows it too. He came down earlier and just went and lifted my shirt straight up without regard to my privacy or modesty, and commented that he hoped he didn't break anything. He wears boots with pointed, cloven, CHROME toes, and he wailed on my ribcage. And I don't know if he DID break anything. It hurts real bad but I'm not sure its bad enough to be broken. I'm babbling now. Because I bored. And kinda disgusted.
He did bring down a can of chicken noodle and a plastic cup of water. Gourmet meal it was not, but he sat with me and ate his own ramen cup. The one yellow light bulb in THIS room didn't flicker, so we had some sort of light to eat by.
His house reminds me of someone's very old and decrepit basement. Cement walls with cracks and crumbles, mostly dark with a dim spotlight light bulb hanging from a single cord from the ceiling... My poor little room with the mattress and blanket...It was all very depressing.
I couldn't finish my soup and started crying again.
"you do too much of that for someone who hasn't even..." here he put down his Styrofoam cup and clenched both fists as though trying to thinking of a word, "...experienced anything yet. " he stood up and pointed a finger at me accusingly.
"You, Hailey, havent seen anything yet," he took a step towards me with both hands out almost pleading. "You havent seen or heard the...the...the filth, that you create yourself. You cant imagine that its there." he grasped my face. "I'm trying to help you."
"Help?" I stood up and swatted his hands away almost too easily. "Help? How have you helped me? You kidnapped me, you...you hurt me, you hurt all those people, and you say this is help? Are you fucking INSANE?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am," he said casually, "but you realize that all this is so out of your control that what you call me, whatever you say...it means nothing." he turned to walk back upstairs.
"I know what I'm doing," he said over his shoulder as he walked away.
Friday
I showered again. Have clean-ish clothes. Washed my hair properly with conditioner. Johnny placid and calm. Agreeable. Brushed out my hair for me for some reason as I sat at his feet while watching television. No blood today. Ribs healing now. Nice calm day. He looks normal and content, like the day I met him. No questions about Batgirl. Tired. Very tired. Lazy. Calm. I suspect I'm drugged off my gourd.
Saturday
Yup. Something in the soda Johnny gave me yesterday put me out. I wonder what he does when I'm asleep or unconscious otherwise. I wonder if I've been...tampered with. Like...should I be concerned about my body in ways other than getting beat up? I have no clue how to bring this up with him. He seems not the type... Oh and when this thought came to me, I remembered thinking the screaming from his house so long ago was sex happening. The truth as I see it now, is very very sickening and I actually threw up today. I havent done that in weeks. Lucky I was already in the bathroom and he didn't hear me...other wise, I might have gotten some more unwanted attention.
I had a dream thought, which means that either them chemicals had worn off by then or else maybe I wasn't drugged after all...
I dreamt I was in my old neighborhood from when I was a kid. I was running from something that wanted to hurt me, but I was kinda thinking maybe it was a joke. I stopped running when I realized it was no longer chasing me.
I walked around until I came to my parents house in the middle of the parking lot surrounded by the apartments I used to live near. It was on fire. Standing in front of it was a figure in black. I walked up next to them, staring into the fire. It was Johnny, and he was wearing a black trench coat with his hands by his side.
"You burned my house down!" I remember saying to him. He reached out one hand grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me forward.
"Maybe you should go home," he said stiffly. I resisted his pushing and he let go. He turned and walked back towards his car. I followed him. I looked up and saw the sky was dark. The clouds were yellow, black and grey, and swirling around in spirals.
"Look," I said pointing up at them. Johnny looked up too.
"That's what happens when people die." he said and then I woke up. Monday
I did something kinda stupid today. Really, really kinda stupid.
He was sitting with me in my little basement room and talking. I don't know what. I just know that halfway through my mac and cheese, I realized that his mouth was fascinating. The way it moved when he talked. I started staring at it and pretty soon, he noticed that I wasn't paying attention to him anymore. He snapped his teeth at me.
"You doing okay?" he asked me a little condescendingly. I sighed dramatically and rolled my eyes.
"No, actually, I have this secret," I started to say. He raised an eyebrow at me. "Can I tell you my secret?"
"Mmm...whats that?"
I crocked my finger at him. He hesitated for second, then carefully leaned forward.
"Well, I said lowering my voice. He looked at me a little suspiciously. Then I leaned forward fast and kissed him. He immediately grabbed my face in his thumb and index finger and caught my face in a very awkward post-pucker position. Suddenly, I felt really really stupid.
He pushed me back against the wall with one hand. Then stood. The single bulb shone weakly behind him.
"Don't you EVER do that again," he said threateningly. He stalked out, smashing the light bulb with his fist as he left.
So I was alone in the dark for a few hours.