Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: Zelda, Metroid, and all related indicia (ooh, fancy word) belong to Nintendo.
Author's note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I'm trying to get this up as fast as I can, but that's kinda hard right now, what with…er…
Ganondorf: Finals?
A/N: AGH! Don't even speak the word! But yeah…the evil tests of doom are coming up, and I'm going to be a tad busy studying and stuff. But don't worry! I'll get this done at one time or another! I REFUSE TO LET THIS STORY DIE!!!! …ok I'm done.
Chapter 2: Bye-bye Sanity
It was on that day that a monstrous sound rang out from Death Mountain: A scream of rage the likes of which had never been heard before. It echoed throughout the land, reaching the ears of all who inhabited it and filling them with terror. There was but one person who heard this inhuman roar and did not quiver with fear. Ganondorf Dragmire, former king of evil and all around not-nice guy, had just exited the Temple of Time, and the sound did no more than increase his already abundant confusion. First the seal imprisoning him in the evil realm cracks for no apparent reason, and now this? It was an impressive roar, to be sure. Even the redeads deep within the ancient catacombs of the Shadow Temple looked up with a start at the sound of it. But Ganondorf was a king, and an evil one at that, and he had a reputation to keep up, you know. He simply couldn't let himself be frightened by anything. So he wouldn't. It was as simple as that. Once the terrible noise had died away, he had only one thing to say:
"What the hell?"
And as if he was not confounded enough, suddenly an orange light throttled into the temple courtyard and materialized into Nabooru and Link. The courageous young hero was pale as a sheet and quivering all over, looking to faint any second. He leaned heavily on a likewise trembling Nabooru. The gerudo king was still puzzling over this new development when Nabooru added to his confusion with this well-timed quote:
"Ganondorf! I'm so glad you're here!"
After a moment or two of staring and heavy blinking, Ganondorf replied:
"Have I walked into some alternate dimension, or has everything been thrown upside down in my absence?"
"Oom!" the cow cried as gravity suddenly shifted and it floated up into the sky.
"What the f-ck?" Nabooru said after a moment of confused staring.
"Oooooooh…" said Link, his fear temporarily forgotten. And so he picked up a rock and threw it at the spot where the cow had been. It, too, flew up into the sky, but at a much faster rate than the cow. It smacked the cow in the face, knocking it out of the gravitational anomaly. And then everyone's eyes bulged for a second as they realized what was about to happen and jumped back to avoid being crushed by the falling bovine. Link's eyes widened in fascination.
"Cool!" he cried. Then, turning to Ganondorf, he asked what is perhaps the most random, out of place question in the history of this fanfiction: "Hey, do you have an umbrella?"
And Ganondorf did stare. Stare at Link like he was insane.
"I do!" piped up the cow, to everyone's surprise. Noticing their gawking, he innocently queried: "what?"
Ganondorf, being a king (and an evil one at that), would not let himself be surprised for long, and therefore recovered first. "Okaaaaay then….." he trailed off, breaking the bewildered silence which had settled over them like a fuzzy rag.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, an organism largely resembling a floating blue Jell-O mold (it was actually an X parasite, but the Zelda characters, having never played metroid fusion nor heard of the metroid series, did not know that) sprang out of the ground and materialized into a teenage girl with a ferret on her head.
"I have come to the conclusion that cheese…is a vegetable!" she announced before dematerializing back into a blob and zipping off into space.
And there was much blinking, and rubbing of eyes.
"Grr I'm a dog." Said the cow.
Link frowned down at it.
"What?"
"You know what, just give me the damn umbrella." He snapped, holding out his hand expectantly.
"Okay."
Then a strange noise which sounded suspiciously like dun dun dun duuuuun came out of nowhere as Link held the umbrella above him (well…he wasn't really holding it, it was just sort of…floating…above his hands…o.O)
"You got: umbrella!" said a random text box.
"Yay!"
Ganondorf and Nabooru exchanged worried glances as they internally debated the sanity of the hero. But then their musings were rudely interrupted…for something happened then that made their blood turn cold. A monstrous roar of triumph sounded from a pink ball of light that had just appeared in the sky above them.
Ganondorf looked up in wonder, all pretense of stoicism forgotten, and muttered "what the...?" under his breath.
Nabooru gasped in horror as realization beat her over the head with a stick, a realization that would soon come to all of them as an all-too-familiar voice rang out:
"A-HA! HERE YOU ARE, HERO OF TIME!"
Link made a small sound in his throat that sounded something like "meep."
"NOW FEEL MY WRATH, YOU INFERNAL RUNT!"
At this comment, the hero immediately recovered as he posed the accusatory question: "…are you calling me short?"
After a brief pause, the voice replied: "…yes. Yes I am." With that, the pink light floated down to them and materialized into a very angry looking princess Zelda. Ganondorf was understandably taken aback and he turned to Nabooru with a puzzled frown.
"Dare I ask?"
"No" she said without hesitation.
Zelda approached the tremulous hero in a threateningly slow manner, her eyes gleaming of ill intent. That is, until Nabooru stepped in her way. Then her eyes shifted to dagger mode as she turned her glare on the gerudo.
"Out of the way, sage." She sneered. Of course, Zelda, being a princess, did not have much practice in the way of sneering, and the result was an expression more equivocal to someone who has something shoved up their nose and is trying to blow it back out. Nabooru somehow managed to keep a straight face (Link and Ganondorf didn't- but they weren't in Zelda's line of sight anymore) as she tried to reason with the infuriated princess.
"Zelda, you're being ridiculous! It was all just an accident!" she argued, "If anything, its Ruto's fault that-"
"Silence!" Zelda cut her off, attempting to glare down her nose at the gerudo as she pointed menacingly at her. Of course, she ended up looking rather odd since Nabooru was somewhat taller than her and she didn't seem to quite grasp the idea of staring down one's nose at another person. If you can imagine someone staring cross-eyed up at another person while flaring their nostrils and puckering their lips (we think she was going for the stern pouting-lipped look), then that's what she looked like. Now, up to this point the boys had managed to at least silence their laughter if not keep a straight face, but at the sight of Zelda trying to stare down her nose at Nabooru, Ganondorf burst out laughing. Zelda glared icicles at him (now that was something she was good at) before moving her menacingly pointing finger in his direction and snapping: "Get back in that temple and wait until I find another way to seal you!"
Ganondorf stopped laughing and peered at her with an amused expression.
"Well?!" She snapped, her eyes narrowing.
Ganondorf continued to gaze evenly at her with a funny little half-smile. "Do you have a death wish?" he asked, half incredulous, half laughing.
Zelda's non-pointing hand curled into a fist as she glared heatedly at him, a genuine sneer curling her lips. This was not nearly so comical as before, though the very fact that it was delicate little princess Zelda doing it did take away some of its effect. Still Ganondorf remained unfazed, and after a short while the very frustrated and angry-beyond-belief Zelda rounded on Nabooru.
"MOVE!!!" she roared.
Now, for reasons to be discussed later in this fic, Nabooru has a very adverse response to people who glare madly at her and scream "move". Ergo, her immediate reaction was to jump aside with a frantic "eep" sound while her eyes instantaneously doubled in size. This left Zelda facing Link, who was slightly hunched over and still trying to contain his laughter from Zelda's cross-eyed attempt at staring down Nabooru. He immediately straightened and managed to look relatively serious (though his lip still quivered occasionally) as he stared her right in the eye. Now Zelda smiled as evilly as she could (looking rather manic in the process) and she tried her hand at an evil chuckle of sorts. It was a very halting, drawn out laugh which (unfortunately for her) sounded remarkably like Ganondorf's signature laugh. What happened next was a bit of a blur, though witnesses will recall a loud 'thwack' sound and Ganondorf's snarl of "That's my laugh!"
Link stared. First at Zelda's prone form, then up at Ganondorf.
"…Did you just smack her with a swordfish?" he asked in disbelief.
"Yes. Yes I did."
"Ow…" Zelda moaned from the ground.
Link considered the princess for a moment, remembering an old saying about a woman's wrath.
"Do YOU have a death wish?" he crooked an eyebrow at the gerudo king.
Ganondorf snorted and tried to hide his smile behind his hand. The idea of Zelda posing any threat to him was laughable, although he really shouldn't be laughing quite so much…not unless it was evil laughing, leastways. Of course, he shouldn't allow that sort of insubordination, either. Which is why Link was on the receiving end of a swordfish-thwack a few seconds later.
Zelda, having recovered by now, ominously rose from the ground. Her eyes burned, her thin form shaking with barely supressed rage. Link immediately forgot the pain of his thwacking, Nabooru froze in terror, and Ganondorf actually raised his eyebrows slightly. Zelda looked downright pissed.
"Alright, that's it…" she hissed venomously, "Now everyone gets to die!" If looks could kill, all of Hyrule temple would be a smoking crater in the ground. Link was so absorbed in her death glare that he accidentally dropped the umbrella on his foot, painfully bringing himself back to reality and reminding him of his earlier idea. Eyes alight with rediscovered inspiration, Link completely forgot Zelda's current mood (he was a very forgetful sort of person), exclaimed "A-ha!" and ran over to the cow. Zelda turned her raging eyes of death doom and destruction in his direction, but he wasn't looking. He had his eyes closed as he smiled brightly and waved. "Sayonara, princess!" he cried, and with that, he jumped to the right. Nothing happened. Bewildered, he looked up.
"Oh, whoops! It's over here."
He took a step back and whoosh! Up up and away he went in the gravitational anomaly. This turn of events was enough to push Zelda's raging insanity back from "I EXIST ONLY TO KILL" to "I will knock you all down!" (both final fantasy quotes).
"What the f-ck?" she said.
"That's what I said" Nabooru agreed.
"Vuahahaha!" Link laughed.
Zelda turned to the others. "How'd he do that?"
"Moo power!" spoke up the cow for the first time since Zelda's arrival. Zelda stared at it, noticing it for the first time. The first thing that caught her eye was the fact that it was lying on its back, then the cracks in the ground surrounding it, then the ridiculous smile plastered over its face. How a cow was even able to smile is a mystery for the ages.
"What the...?" she murmured, unconciously mimicking Ganondorf yet again. This time, however, she did not get thwacked.
Meanwhile, up in the air, Link was so far up the others looked like toy dolls. Deciding that this was high enough, he took out his umbrella and 'fwoomp!' opened it. He gently glided out of the gravitational anomaly and headed in the direction of Kokiri forest. Back on the ground, Zelda was debating going after him.
"Screw this! I'm going after him."
Well, maybe not quite debating. Anyway, Nabooru furrowed her brow. She knew she had to stall Zelda, but could not overcome her fear of her. Then an idea came to her. She turned to Ganondorf.
"I'll bet you 10 rupees you can't hit her ten times in a row with the swordfish."
Ganondorf glared over at Nabooru. It was a well known fact (among the gerudo, at least) that Ganondorf had a serious gambling problem. You could get him to do almost anything, so long as you included the words "bet" and "rupees." He knew she was just trying to get him to stall Zelda for her, but…
"10 rupees?"
"Yup"
"You're on."
'Thwack!'
"Ow!"
'Thwack!'
"Urg!"
'Thwack!'
"Dammit!"
'Thwack!'
"I'll-"
'Thwack!'
"get-"
'Thwack!'
"you-"
'Thwack!'
"for-"
'Thwack!'
"this!"
'Thwack!'
'Thwack!'
Ganondorf merely smiled as he sheathed his swordfish. To him, Zelda's meaningless threats were…well…meaningless. Calmly he held out his hand to Nabooru, the half smile gracing his features once more. Nabooru smiled as well as she slapped two blue rupees into his palm. Link was safely out of sight.
"Grr…" Zelda growled, her eye twitching slightly. Then she grabbed the frozen swordfish and: 'Thwack!'
Ganondorf had coolly closed his eyes in expectation of the blow, but it did not come. So when he heard the 'thwack' sound he smiled and said "You missed."
"Did I?" Zelda purred. The swordfish beating had pushed her slightly over the edge of "I will knock you all down!" to that in-between, weird sort of stage of madness that involved a lot of random "ha ha's" and strange, ranting poems.
"Ow" Nabooru moaned from the ground beside them. Ganondorf glanced down at her and smirked. So Zelda had gone after Nabooru instead of him…wise decision. As if reading his mind, Zelda sidled closed to him until they were almost nose to nose (nose to chest, actually, for she was quite short) and drew herself up to look as tall as possible, smiling vaguely all the while with a somewhat dreamy gloss over her eyes.
"I will get you. Someday. Ha ha. Someday. Just wait. Ha." Her eye twitched. Ganondorf cocked an eyebrow as he gazed down at her. He recognized the madness burning behind the glaze of her eyes, having a great deal of experience with it himself. He wasn't sure what had happened exactly, but he knew that something had made her snap. Still, he was fairly confident in her ability (or lack of ability, rather) to hurt him, and her insanity was more amusing than terrifying.
With a manic, high-pitched giggle Zelda dematerialized into a pink ball of light and flew away in pursuit of our hero. Ganondorf, Nabooru, and the cow simply stood there, blinking.
A/N: That's all for now! What do you think? Is it as good as the first chapter? Review! (puppy dog eyes) Please?!
Oh, and " Grr I'm a dog" is a quote from an old substitute teacher that used to teach at my school. My highschool. Yeah. Be afraid, be very VERY afraid.