Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. I own…um...

"NOTHING!!!" Link roared.

Author's Note: Agh…sorry this took so long guys, I got a little caught up in that little holiday we like to call "Christmas". A big thank you to all who reviewed, your continuing support is very much appreciated, and another big thank you to everyone who reads this, whether you review or not, because you gave my fic a chance. I'll shut up now before this starts looking like some award acceptance speech.

"Too late!" said the cat.

The author took a moment to wonder why the cat was talking, then shrugged it off and decided to continue with the fic.

Chapter 3: Fun in the forest

A soft breeze tousled Link's golden hair as he swayed back and forth. The glide down with the umbrella had been quite pleasant, but now his arm was getting tired and he was still too high up to let go and fall. Unfortunately, the umbrella was no longer drifting down towards the ground. Why not, you ask?

"'Cuz it's stuck in a frickin' tree, that's why!" Link snapped irritably at the narrator.

Yes, that was true. The umbrella had been snagged on a very high branch in a very tall tree, and Link had been shaking it for a good five minutes with no success in loosing it. He was still puzzling what to do next when a certain someone came along down the path below him.

"Dum de dum…" hummed the Happy Mask Salesman.

"Hey! I remember you!"

"Huh?"

The mask salesman looked around wildly, many of the masks attached to the outside of his sack swinging around and smacking him in the process, trying to find the source of the mysterious voice that called to him.

"Up here!"

The Happy mask salesman tried to look up, but the weight of the enormous sac on his back made him fall over.

"Oof!"

Link couldn't help but snicker, despite the fact his only hope for getting down from the tree had just gotten grounded.

"Blasted kid! Now I'm stuck!" the mask salesman snarled.

"Aw great, so how am I gonna get out of this tree?" Link whined.

"What are you talking about? I'm not whining!" Link whined some more, despite the fact that he was obviously whining.

"I am not!"

Are too.

"Am not!"

Are too.

"Link, stop arguing with the narrator" growled the author, "and get to the damn scene change already!"

Meanwhile, back at the cow…

"Moo?" said the cow, still lying on its back beside the gravitational anomaly.

Err...I mean, in Kakariko village….

"The llamas…they're in the walls…and they want my soul…" muttered the cuckoo lady while a couple redeads clambered out of the well and started doing disco.

Uh…Lake Hylia?

"Agh! The scarecrows are attacking again!!" screamed a random Zora while dodging the pitchfork of an enraged dancing scarecrow.

O.O uh….well since we can't find Zelda, let's just go back to Link then, shall we?

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth"

"Ok, does your name mean you're a salesman of happy masks, or a happy mask salesman?"

"Hmm…I don't know. Both, I guess."

"No, then you'd be a happy happy mask salesman."

"True. Well, I own a happy mask shop, so-"

"But is it a happy mask shop, or a shop of happy masks?"

"Mind.…boggled….can't….think…." the mask salesman gurgled, drool dribbling down his chin as his brain shorted out.

"Uh…let's skip to my turn then, shall we?

"Truth or dare?" said the salesman, who had instantaneously recovered somehow.

"Dare!" cried the ever-daring Link.

"Wait…ever-daring as in always daring people, or always being daring?"

…you people think into things way too much.

"Hmm…." Hummed the mask salesman, as he pondered weak and weary.

Five minutes later…

"Oh, come on! Is it that hard to think up a dare?!"

"It is when the person you're daring is stuck up in a tree, and can't really do much."

Link chewed on that for a moment, "You have a point there."

"I know! Sing "I'm A Little Teapot" at the top of your lungs!"

Link stared incredulously down at the Happy Mask Salesman. "….It took you five minutes to think of that?"

"How do you know it's been five minutes?"

"This umbrella has a built in clock" Link said, pointing to the black polished handle of the umbrella where a digital clock could be seen.

The Happy mask salesman raised an eyebrow.

"Don't ask."

"Oooookay, are you going to sing or not?"

"Oh, yeah"

"And don't forget the motions!"

Now it was Link's turn to raise an eyebrow, "Need I remind you that I'm stuck in a frickin' tree?!!"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll manage somehow."

Link scowled, took a deep breath, and prepared to sing.

Elsewhere in the forest….

Nabooru looked around idly as she strolled along, her hands in her pockets. "So… What else can we bet on?" she asked.

Ganondorf, who was walking peaceably next to her for some reason, grinned evilly and suggested: "10 rupees says we walk in on Link doing something really humiliating"

Nab (which is what I'll call Nabooru from now on, since her name is so annoying to type) stared at him oddly. "Well, that really came out of left field. What made you think of that?"

Ganon (Ganondorf, another long name I don't feel like typing) looked around with shifty eyes and snapped "Are you going to take the bet or aren't you?"

Nab shrugged dismissively, "You're on, pig boy!"

Ganon sighed. "I'm never gonna live that down…" he murmured.

They walked on in silence for a few moments until they heard something which made them stop dead in their tracks:

"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!"

"Oh goddesses tell me that's not who I think it is…" Nab muttered as she slapped a hand to her forehead.

"Oh what do you know, it's Link." Ganon observed with a grin.

Sure enough, far above them Link hung from an umbrella stuck on a branch and sang at the top of his lungs as he gently swayed back and forth in the wind.

Ganon smiled down at Nab. "That'll be 10 rupees."

Nabooru muttered darkly as she handed him the money.

"HERE IS MY HANDLE" Link continued to shout in an obscenely loud and off-key manner as he crooked his free arm, "HERE IS MY- urk…ung…"

Link tried to curve his right arm into the spout, something that proved difficult considering he was hanging by it.

"urp- SPOUT!" He cried as he finally succeeded. "Huff…puff…ok…five minute break before I finish the song."

"Yeesh, you'd think he'd never done a one handed pull-up before." HMS scoffed. (HMS equals Happy Mask Salesman because author equals lazy).

"Strange…why do you look so familiar?" Nab stared at HMS, stroking her chin thoughtfully.

"Huh?" Ganon turned questioningly to Nabooru.

"That guy lying on his back! Does he look familiar to you?"

"Hmm…"

Flashback time!!

Some random Gerudo guard stood at the entrance to the Gerudo Fortress, eyeing the strange man in front of her. "What do you want?" she snarled.

"Ah! I'm doing some important research on gerudos, and I need to get into the fortress," said the stranger, who was the HMS in case you haven't guessed.

The guard raised an eyebrow, "….what kind of research?"

"I'm making a mask!" He said happily, punching the air for emphasis.

The guard gave him the universal 'are you a lunatic?' stare. "Um…"

"Well?" He prompted, grinning insufferably as he rocked back and forth.

"I don't think I can let you in."

HMS went from 0 to royally pissed off in 1.5 seconds. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!!" he roared as he gripped her by the shoulders and throttled her like a dead sparrow.

"GAk! Let…go…you…freak…!"

"What's going on here?" Ganon demanded, having heard the commotion and meandered over from inside the fortress.

HMS took no notice of him as he growled and continued shaking the guard.

Ganon did not like being ignored. He did not like it one bit.

'THWACK!' (in case I haven't mentioned it before, anything in the single quotes like 'this' is a sound effect. It is a perfectly suitable way to express sound effects in story format, and is not directly associated to script format in any way. So take that! …please don't delete me.)

"…did you just thwack me with a swordfish?" HMS queried as he finally let go of Nab.

"Yes. Now who are you and what the hell were you doing to Nabooru?"

Nab, who had been the guard the entire time, made a small "urk" sound and collapsed to the ground.

"Researching!" HMS said with way too much enthusiasm.

Ganon stared at him.

Nab shakily got to her feet and massaged her throat gently, "He says he wants to make a mask or something." She said hoarsely.

Ganon shook his head and sighed before turning back to the HMS, "Look, I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to get the hell out of here before I beat the crap out of you. 1…"

HMS stood there, smiling, and did nothing.

"2…"

HMS continued smiling like an idiot and still did nothing.

Ganon was getting a little pissed off now, "3…"

HMS blinked, but other than that, he did nothing other than continue smiling.

"Just fry the bastard!" Nab snapped.

Ganon followed up on her suggestion and fried him.

HMS coughed, disturbing some of the soot which now covered him head to toe.

"Well?" Ganon prompted threateningly.

HMS then began running in circles for some reason.

"Um…the exit is that way." Ganondorf said helpfully, pointing in the direction of the exit.

HMS continued running in circles for no apparent reason.

Ganon and Nab watched him for a moment.

"I think he's lost it" Nab suggested.

HMS then ran up to Nabooru, gave her the super-uber-pissed look again, and screamed: "OUTTA MY WAY!!"

Nab's eyes got really big and she jumped aside with a small 'eep' sound.

"Yeeheeheheheheehe!" HMS cackled as he ran into the fortress.

Ganon scowled at Nab, "Dammit, that's the fifth time this week Nabooru!"

Nab gulped and scratched the back of her neck nervously. The fact was, she simply couldn't stand up under pressure. "Um…I'm demoted now, aren't I?"

"Yes. Now go give my step-mothers sponge baths!" he ordered.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" she screeched, "You'll pay for this! Someday, somehow, I will make you pay!! VUAHAHAHA!" and ran off.

Ganon stared after her. "That can't be good…."

End flashback!!

"Oh, I remember that lunatic…" Ganon murmured.

"So, you don't think one-handed pull-ups are hard? I'd like to see you do one." Link, who was completely oblivious of the lengthy flashback that had just occured, scoffed at them from above.

"Alright. Can you support a full grown man with one arm?" HMS directed this inquiry to Nab, who grinned impishly and hefted Ganon off the ground easily with one hand. It should probably be mentioned at this point that Link's golden gauntlets had mysteriously dissapeared after he ran into Nab in the Fire Temple earlier.

"Ack! Put me down!"

Nab snickered as she continued to hold the wildly flailing King of Evil two feet in the air.

"Don't make me get the swordfish!" he snarled.

Nab blinked, "Didn't Zelda take it?" she asked.

Ganon gasped, "You're right! I need to get it back!"

Nab finally put Ganondorf down.

"I'm off to recover the swordfish!" he stated with a heroic pose.

"The wonderful swordfish of Oz?"

"Ye- no. Shaddup."

And thus Ganondorf left to find Zelda and get back his swordfish. I wish him good luck with that, as she is one tough b---- to find.

"Right then." Nab glared at me, since I was going off on a tangent.

"Now hold out your arm where I can grab it." HMS ordered.

Nab looked down at him warily, "Hmm…that depends."

"Pardon?"

"Are you sane now? Can I expect not to be throttled like a dead sparrow?"

"What do you mean? African or European?" HMS said in a randomly appearing British accent.

Nab scowled at the reference, "Let me rephrase that…."

"Don't worry, Nabooru! If he does anything funny, I'll laugh!" Link piped up.

Nab rolled her eyes, "Some hero you are."

"What'd you expect? I'm STUCK IN A FRICKIN' TREE!!"

Nab grinned a grin of ill-intent, "That can be fixed…"

"Uh oh…"

A/N: Heh heh heh…ah, how I love cliffhangers.

"That's MY laugh!"

'Whack!'

"…did you just whack me with the windmill guy?"

"That sounded SO wrong" said the windmill guy

The author's eye twitched. That wasn't a good sign.

"Um…well, that's all folks! Thank you for taking the time to enjoy our insanity, and don't forget to review!" Ganon said as he nervously inched away from the author and the windmill guy.

"Grr…"

"Eep"