Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: Zelda, Metroid, Kirby, and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. I do not own South Park, and though I forgot to mention it last chapter I do not own Monty Python. I merely steal jokes from them.
A/N: Long ago and far away, there was a chapter I uploaded in which over half of the text kept getting deleted for some strange reason. I fixed this problem by breaking the chapter into two parts, thus making it load properly. Hopefully now I won't have that problem, so once again chapter four has been combined into one! Vuahahaha!! Now then…
Before we begin, let us recap the author's ending note to the last chapter, shall we?
An enormous screen lowers and plays the last chapter's ending.
A/N: Heh heh heh…ah, how I love cliffhangers.
"That's MY laugh!"
'Whack!'
"…did you just whack me with the windmill guy?"
"That sounded SO wrong" said the windmill guy
The author's eye twitched. That wasn't a good sign.
"Um…well, that's all folks! Thank you for taking the time to enjoy our insanity, and don't forget to review!" Ganon said as he nervously inched away from the author and the windmill guy.
"Grr…"
"Eep"
The screen goes black, and the author pulls out a large, bloody pike with the windmill guy's head on it, which she sticks in the ground and leans against casually.
The Author glances at the pike and smiles, "Just thought I'd clear up what happened there."
Link suddenly enters from stage left and gasps, "You killed windmill guy! You bastard!"
Ganon enters from stage right and asks, "You're not turning into one of those sadistic, evil authors who go around punishing all their characters, are you?"
The Author glares at him, "Who do you think you are, my psychiatrist? And besides, you don't need to worry about that… Yet" she says with a snap of her fingers.
At this signal the windmill guy jumps down from above and the two cry out in unison:
"FOOLED YOU!!"
And then the Author makes a great show of ripping a mask off the head to reveal that it was actually Tingle's, not the windmill guy's.
Link jumps in the air for joy, "Woohoo!! You killed Tingle! My hero!"
RebelX (the author) bows.
But their celebration is cut short as Tingle's voice drifts down from above, "Not so fast!"
"Oh no…" Ganon moans, slapping his forehead.
Tingle then pops his balloon and drops down from above with a cry of "FOOLED YOU!" He then jumps up and rips another mask off of the head, revealing it to be the head of some random stalfos.
"Aw nuts…" Link mutters, snapping his fingers.
"Wait a tic! How can this be? I specifically remember killing you!" RebelX protests.
"Ao-ohoho (an interpretation of that weird noise he makes) that was not me, but a stinking thief who stole the magic words Tingle created himself! Tingle warn him, warn him of magic fairy vengeance! But No-oho-" Tingle begins, then starts ranting about magic fairy vengeance.
Finally, after listening to about five minutes of his ranting, Link screams: "I can't take it anymore!" and comes after Tingle with the megaton hammer.
Tingle shrieks and runs away. While running he cries over his shoulder: "No mister fairy! Tingle forbids you to squish him! Forbids!"
Deaf to his pleas, Link increases his speed and roars: "Die you unholy incarnation of annoyance! I forbid you to plague my descendants!"
Zelda then warps from out of nowhere. "Wait!" she says as she steps into Link's path, "I have already given him an integral role in the fate of your descendants! If you kill him now, that role will never be fulfilled, and their quests will fail!"
"Ah, dangit!" Link moans, sadly putting his hammer away.
Zelda tried to hide her snicker. "Heh heh heh… sucker!" she thought.
'Whack!'
"How many times do I have to tell you?!" Ganon snaps as he sets the windmill guy back down, "That's MY laugh!"
Zelda stares open mouthed in confusion. "Wha- ? I was only thinking that! How could you possibly have heard my thoughts?"
"I'm psychic." He says simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"You are? I thought I was the only one in Hyrule with that power!"
"Nope! All the Triforce bearers have psychic abilities. You are, I am, and Link would be if he could only focus…"
"Yeah. It's sad, really." Link sighs, "My attention can be distracted by the silliest- ooh! Blinking lights!" he exclaims, staring up at the ceiling.
Zelda cocks an eyebrow.
The author turns around as she feels a tap on her shoulder. The headless stalfos behind her taps its foot impatiently, its arms akimbo.
"Oh. Heh heh, sorry." She says, jerking the head off the pike with some difficulty and then handing it to him.
The stalfos promptly puts its head on backwards, turns around, and walks straight into the set which crashes down with a series of loud bangs and other various crash noises. The head rolls back over in front of the author, who looks around shifty eyed for a moment before snatching it up and running off cackling.
(And thus concludes the longest author's note I've ever written!)
Chapter four: Poor Link (part one)
"HIEE-YAH!"
"WAAAAAAAAA- OOF!"
These were the voices that rang through the forest that fateful morning-
"Afternoon, actually" Link corrected with a point to the clock in his umbrella.
-Right. Anyway, one of them belonged to Link, who had recovered from the fifty foot fall surprisingly quickly-
"Lucky you landed on that Kirby"
"Yeah"
"Ung…the pain…" Kirby moaned.
And the other belonged to Nabooru, who was now at a loss as to how she would recover the scimitar she had hurled at the branch which had held Link's umbrella.
Nab scratched her head as she spoke, "Damn, it disappeared into the underbrush. This forest has too many plants!"
Then the Happy mask salesman kindly reminded her of what she was supposed to be doing.
"Are you going to hold out your arm or not?"
"Huh? Oh, right." She said, absently holding out her arm.
The Happy mask salesman grasped her outstretched arm with one of his own and pulled himself up with ease.
"Ha! You see? I can do a one armed pull-up easily. Oh, and thank you for helping me up."
"No problem. But why didn't you just take that humongous sac off so you could get up on your own?"
"Um… because I'm an idiot?"
"Ah."
They were interrupted (again) by the Hero of Time, who was now chasing after the swiftly departing Kirby.
"Hey! Come back here! That's MY umbrella!"
Kirby giggled and floated away, Link's precious umbrella in tow.
"Ok, that's it! You're in for a furious fist-shaking!" he cried, before shaking his fist in Kirby's direction.
"You forgot furiously!"
Alright, before furiously shaking his fist in Kirby's direction.
"Better."
"GET ON WITH IT," screamed the Author.
Nab cocked an eyebrow at Link, "So what, you're a disgruntled old man now?"
"Aw Shaddup" he muttered as he took off after Kirby.
"Let it go, Link. Those suckers can fly for miles!" Nab shouted after him.
Thankfully Link listened to Nabooru's pleading-
"Pleading?! I wasn't pleading!"
-and stopped. He walked back to them dejectedly and-
"Hey! Are you ignoring me?"
"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP ARGUING WITH THE NARRATOR!!!" The Author roared.
"We will if you stop speaking in all caps."
"Deal."
Anyways, Link walked back to them dejectedly and immediately plopped down and began sniffling pathetically.
"It's not fair!" He sobbed most un-heroically, "Now I won't be able to tell time!" and promptly began crying.
"Aw, poor kid." Said the HMS, "Here, have a mask."
"Dun dun dun Dunnnn!
You got: Gerudo mask!" said a randomly appearing text box.
At this, Nabooru turned questioningly to the happy mask salesman. "You mean you actually made that thing?!"
"Yup!" HMS said happily.
Link rolled his eyes, "Oh, joy. Now I can look like a girl. Woopee." He said, his tone dripping with so much sarcasm that Nabooru had to put a bucket under it to prevent it from spilling. Link then put on the mask and began dancing around while speaking in a ridiculously high-pitched voice: "Look at me! I'm a stuck up gerudo! And I'm not going to let you into our fortress, even though you have to get to the spirit temple so that you can save the frickin' world, because you're just some stupid kid and you don't have any business with the fortress itself. Blah Blah blah, ooh, I broke a nail…"
Nab scowled darkly at him and was about to angrily respond to his mockery (in other words, was about to bring him much pain) when she noticed something very peculiar.
"Er…Link?"
Link stopped dancing and looked over at her, surprised that she had not yet attacked. "What?"
"Uh…look down."
He did so. He didn't understand what she was talking about. All he saw was the usual forest floor, littered by twigs, rocks, dirt, various plants and Nab's bucket.
"What am I supposed to be seeing here?" he asked.
"Euh, look down at your body.
Now profoundly puzzled, Link looked. His eyes popped as he screamed "Holy crap I HAVE BOOBS!!!!"
Nabooru and the HMS exchange glances, then simultaneously burst out laughing at Link's predicament. Through his laughter, the HMS managed to struggle out: "I'm sorry kid, heh, I must have given you the transform mask by mistake. Hehe."
"A transform mask? What's that?"
"Well, you wouldn't know about this since you won't go back to being a child and take that little trip through Termina, but there are certain masks that bind with your spirit and change your form when you put them on."
Link's jaw dropped.
"Vuahaha! Now you really ARE a gerudo!" Nabooru exclaimed, and then started laughing so hard she fell over on to the ground.
"It's not funny!" Link protested.
"He's right, it's not funny." The HMS said seriously.
"Thank you." Link sighed.
"It's hilarious!"
Link glared at both of them. "I hate you all."
Still chuckling, the HMS shook his head and said: "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an evil mask of doom to find." With that, he began walking off into the forest.
"So… shall we go back to the fortress and mourn our broken nails?" Nab, who had recovered from her laughing fit and gotten up from the ground, said with a smirk.
"Oh shut up."
"Aaargh! I lost him!" Cut in a mysterious voice.
"Huh?" Link and Nab both turned toward the source of the exclamation.
The owner of the mysterious voice burst through some nearby bushes, revealing them self to be none other than a very flustered, torn, dirty princess Zelda with several grass stains and tears in her dress and a twig or two sticking in her hair.
Nab eyed her distastefully, "You know, you really ought to quit copying Ganondorf. It's really getting annoying."
"Hmm?" Zelda turned and, noticing the pair of them for the first time, exclaimed, "What the- ? What are two gerudo doing in Kokiri forest?!"
"I'm not gerudo, I'm Kokiri!" Link protested, momentarily forgetting about the effects of the transform mask.
Zelda cocked an eyebrow at him.
Thinking quickly, Nabooru took Link's arm and told Zelda "I'm sorry, my friend here is a little...messed in the head. She somehow convinced herself that she is a Kokiri and keeps running off into the forest. Now if you'll excuse us, I need to get her back to the fortress where she belongs."
"Nabooru? That you? Oh, well go ahead. You haven't seen Link around here, have you?" Zelda asked.
Nab smirked a bit and truthfully replied, "Not since Kirby ran off with his umbrella."
Zelda looked at her oddly. "Riiiight…I'll keep looking, then." She said and then walked off in the same direction as the HMS.
Link stroked his/her chin thoughtfully. "I'm beginning to see the usefulness of my…predicament." He murmured.
"Mmm-hmm." Nab smiled knowingly.
Another Mysterious Voice then came from the same direction as the first suddenly cried: "Aaargh! I lost her!"
Nab smiled "Now THAT is a voice I recognize…"
A moment later, who should reveal themselves to be the owner of the not-so-mysterious voice than Ganondorf. His clothing was a little torn from tramping through the forest, but he certainly looked a lot better off than Zelda.
"Hey did Zelda pass by-" he paused as he caught sight of Link and blinked in surprise. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded.
"What, you mean you don't recognize me?" Link said, batting his eyelashes innocently.
"We'll give you three guesses." Nab said.
Ganon thought for a bit. He didn't recognize this gerudo, so he knew they weren't from around here. "Hmm… a gerudo visiting from Termina?" he ventured.
"Nope."
"Some long lost friend of yours that you just found in the forest?"
"Try again."
Ganon thought hard for a second. "Link?"
"Hey! How'd you- ?" Link stuttered.
Ganon grinned, but said nothing.
Link scowled.
"So… do I dare ask?" Ganon asked with his usual half smile.
"No." Link said firmly, crossing his/her arms to emphasize his/her point.
Ganon shrugged. He could understand not wanting to talk about something weird like this. "Okay… then have either of you seen Zelda?"
"She went that way" Link said, pointing.
"Thanks..." he snickered, "Link."
Link scowled darkly.
Still sniggering, Ganon took his leave.
"You know, I thought she went that way" Nab said, pointing in the direction opposite of where Link had directed Ganondorf.
Link smiled evilly, "That's what he gets for guessing correctly."
A/N: "Yahoo! Two chapters in one day! So review! Pweeze?" The Author pleaded with her trademark puppy dog eyes.
"Didn't you already try that?" Link pointed out.
The Author glanced at the review count and smiled, "It worked, didn't it?
"Anyways… thus ends the chapter (formerly two chapters, now one again) with the longest author's note. Boy, I'm just full of records today, aren't I? Thank you again everybody, and-
"Don't forget to review!" the author and Ganon exclaimed together.
"Bye now!" The Author cried, waving happily.