Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. Or…do they?
Nintendo glared at the disclaimer.
"Um… I mean, of course they do! Eh heh…" the disclaimer quickly added, sweatdropping.
A/N: We are the bored. Fear the twistedness of our minds!" the author cackles, "and don't worry if any of this stuff goes over your head. Yeah. Review!" she said, with another dreaded display of the puppy dog eyes, "Pweeze?"
And on a side note, the reason there is no chapter five is because the order got all mixed up due to chapter four no longer being in two parts. Also, this chapter looked a lot better in script format. Especially in the last part. You'll see what I mean, if you haven't read the story before…
Chapter 5: Spoon
"Wait a minute! There is no chapter five!" Link points out.
-.- Chapter 6: Spoon
"There is no spoon!" Nab protested.
-.- (twitch) Chapter 6???
"Better!" Nab and Link exclaimed in eerie harmony.
The evening sun cast speckled shadows across two gerudo that sat on an old tree stump in the forest. A few feet away, a skullkid sat up behind several large bushes, intently dropping eaves on their conversation. He had jumped a little when he first heard their voices, but he was a bored skullkid, and now was grateful for something to take away from the monotony.
"Wiggle wiggle wiggle…wiggle wiggle wiggle…"
"Will you cut that out?!"
"What?! I've never had a pair of these before!"
"Sigh…"
Twisted and disturbing though it was.
"Look, just quit playing with them before somebody comes along and sees you!"
"Why? There's nothing wrong with playing with them!"
"Are you kidding?! They're for show only!"
"Not if you have kids"
"Any kid older than a toddler would agree with me, and besides, you do not and hopefully will not have any children. So put those away!"
The skullkid sat with wide eyes as he listened. He had a very dirty mind.
"Look, let's just go to the fortress and figure out what to do about Zelda"
"Aw, but I want to play! I've wanted a pair of these for so long-"
The skullkid cringed at that,
"And now I finally get some and you won't even let me-"
"LINK!!"
"Ok, fine, but….just once more?"
"Sigh…fine…"
"Yay! Giggle…wiggle wiggle wiggle….hey, can I try yours?"
"WHAT?!!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"Oh, c'mon, I wanna see what yours are like!"
"No way!"
"Oh, don't be so selfish! You need to learn to share!"
"Ah! Don't grab them! Ow, that hurt!"
"Gimme!"
"No!"
There was a crash as the struggling pair fell off the stump. The skullkid, meanwhile, couldn't take it anymore. He burst through the bushes that made his cover and shouted,
"What the hell are you two doing?!!"
Link and Nabooru looked up in surprise. Nabooru was on her back on the ground, her arms stretched away from Link who was in the middle of lunging for the bobble head dolls she held. His own pair of bobble head dolls lay on the ground a few feet away. Both stared at the skullkid, who stared back at them with a mixture of embarrassment and relief.
(A/N: yes, they have bobble head dolls. What did you think they were talking about? 0:- )
"Er… Sorry. I thought- uh- I thought- never mind what I thought. What are you doing?"
"Uh… We weren't playing with dolls! Really! We uh- we were uh-" Nab scrambled for an explanation.
"Give it up, Nabooru. He's seen us." Link said.
Nab hung her head in defeat.
"What's so bad about playing with dolls?" Skullkid asked incredulously.
"We refuse to contribute to the stereotype of females!"
"I see. Where did you get the dolls?"
"Mido" Link said.
Skullkid raised an eyebrow (they do have eyebrows, don't they?)
"What?" Link asked.
"Er… nothing. How do you know Mido?"
"Why shouldn't I? I'm a Kokiri for Pete's sake!"
For a moment skullkid said nothing. Then he slowly looked Link up and down a few times.
"A Kokiri. Really."
"What? I am!"
"A really tall Kokiri with tan skin, round ears, red hair, and fully developed…um…appendages."
Link blinked in confusion, "what are you talking about?"
Nab sighed. "Look down, Link."
Link looked down. "Oooooh yeaaaah…"
"Link? Your name is Link?!"
"Let me explain." Nab said, then knelt and began whispering in his ear (I don't know if they have ears either, but oh well).
Skullkid listened intently, interrupting with occaisional comments such as "She did?" or "Buahaha! Then what?" and "Kirby did what?!" and "That's hilarious!" and "He actually said that? Buhaha!" and so on and so on.
Link scowled at them. "He didn't ask for my life story, Nabooru!"
Skullkid and Nab ignored him.
Link muttered irritably under his breath.
'beep' 'beep'
"Huh? What's that beeping sound?"
The Kokiri turned Gerudo looked around until s/he discovered the source of the sound: one of Nabooru's bobble head dolls.
"Odd…" Link picked it up and examined it carefully.
Suddenly, the head fell off.
"Uh oh… I didn't do it!" s/he exclaimed, dropping the doll and throwing up his/her hands.
Then, oddly enough, a voice came out of the doll.
"Nabooru? Are you there? Nabooru! Helooooo! Anybody home?!"
Flustered and uncertain, Link glanced over at Nab and Skullkid. They had taken no notice, so he picked the doll back up. He examined it, trying to find the source of the noise, until he looked down the neck-
"What the?!"
-where he saw something that nearly made him drop it again.
"Nabooru, why is there a gigantic eye in your bobble head doll?"
Nabooru still didn't listen to him, so he looked back at the eye that was staring at him from inside the bobble head doll. It blinked.
Link's mouth fell open.
"Oh hey Link! Do you know where Nabooru is?"
Link stared.
"Link?"
Link continued to stare.
"Snap out of it already!"
Link snapped out of it. "Who are you and how do you know that I'm Link?"
"What, you don't recognize my voice?" it asked with a giggle.
"Wait… Saria?!"
"Got it in one!" She exclaimed happily.
"What are you doing in there?!"
"….doing in where?"
"Inside Nabooru's bobble head doll?"
"Oh, that must have been where she stuck her communicator."
"Communicator?"
"Well we sages have to have a way to talk to each other, duh."
"Um… Couldn't you use telepathy or something?"
"Ganondorf's psychic, remember? He would've heard everytime we called a meeting. And Zelda's psychic too, so this way's still safer."
"I see… So you knew he was psychic?"
"Yup!"
"How come Zelda didn't?"
"Well, she was sort of a newcomer." Saria explained.
"I see…" Link murmured.
"So can I talk to Nabooru now?"
"Probably not."
"How come?"
"I've been trying to get her attention for the past five minutes, you see, but she's too busy….well…."
Link pointed the neck of the doll towards Nabooru and Skullkid so that Saria could see them.
"I see…" she said, watching them whispering, "this could probably take a while, hmm?"
Link sighed. "Yeah…" he agreed. Then, an idea struck him. "Wanna play truth or dare?"
"Ok."
Meanwhile, in Hyrule Castle Town one of the most lively conversations in history was currently taking place…
"..…" said a redead.
"….." responded another redead.
",,,,,?" asked a third redead.
"…..!!" exclaimed the other two redeads.
The third redead scowled. "….." he said.
Riveting, ne? (end sarcasm) Sigh…don't tell me we can't find Zelda again…uh, let's try Lon Lon Ranch
"Back! Back minions of irritation, back!" Malon cried, brandishing a pitchfork at the Navi swarm.
"HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!"
"Aargh!"
Poor farm girl. Sigh… Zora's Domain?
The Zora King eyed the empty domain. "Sure is quiet around here." He remarked to his companion, who was the only other zora present in the entire domain.
"Yup" the second zora replied.
"Where'd everybody go?"
"I dunno. Something about evil dancing scarecrows invading Lake Hylia."
"Again?"
o.O er…Kokiri village?
Ganondorf glanced at me (the narrator) from where he stood puzzling next to Mido. "Can't find Zelda either, eh?"
Sigh… Nope.
Ganon sighed.
Suddenly a midget popped out of thin air and ran up to the king of evil.
"Telegram for an Evil, King of?"
"He's over there, dipwad" Mido snapped.
"Oops!" he cried, and then ran over to Ganondorf.
Mido glared at me. "They prefer to be called little people!" he snapped.
Oops! Sorry…
"Actually, I prefer the term midget." The little person- er, midget, said.
Ganon turned to him in puzzlement. "Really? Why?"
"Because it's so fun to say. Midget!" he giggled, "Midget!" then giggled some more.
Ganon smacked his forehead. "That's right! Silly me, I forgot we were in a fan fiction written by an author who's obsessed with the word."
"Hee hee. Midget!" The Author squeaked, before breaking into a fit of giggles.
Ganon rolled his eyes. "Anyways…"
"Telegram for an Evil, King of?" the midget offered him the piece of paper Mido had just rejected.
"That would be me." Ganon replied, taking the proffered paper.
"Dun dun dun dunnnnnn!
You got: mail!"
"Ha ha ha. Very funny, random text box. Let's see now…" he trailed off as he began to read the telegram.
And this was what the telegram said:
"Hey! Don't read my mail!" Ganon protested, whipping the telegram away from me.
Um… It's kinda necessary for the plot.
"Oh fine."
ANYWAYS, this is what the telegram said:
Deer sir,
You have been corduly invighted too the furst anual meting of Link Haters Anonymus. Pleeze come too the lost woods whenevr conveniunt. A representitive of Evul Miget Telugrahms wil gyde you to hour hideout. Bring a frend if you wahnt.
Sinseerly,
Princes Zelda
"Interesting…" Ganon said, trying to hide a smirk.
"Yeesh! She's got pretty bad spelling for a princess!" remarked captain obvious- I mean, Mido…who is now scowling darkly at me.
"I suspect she's used to dictating to other people who write for her," Ganon explained. "Hey, quit reading my mail!"
Mido jumped and made a small "eep" sound, dropping a stack of letters in the process. "He made me do it!" he cried, pointing an accusatory finger at the midget.
The midget glared at him.
Ganon also glared at him.
Mido looked around shifty eyed. "Er…don't you have a meeting to go to?"
"Oh, I don't think I'll go."
"What? Why not? I'd leap at the chance of joining such a club!"
Ganon smirked at the ebullient Kokiri. "I don't doubt that." He said, "But, as much as I hate Link, I hate Zelda infinitely more."
"Oh? How come?"
"Put yourself in my shoes. Now who would you despise more, the mastermind who came up with the scheme for your imprisonment, or the stupid pawn who carried it out?"
"Good point."
"I'm not stupid!"
"Yes you ar- wait, Link?! What are you doing here?"
"Well…"
Flashback Time!!
"Truth or dare?" asked Link.
"Truth!" Saria said instantly.
"Alright…is it true that if Kokiri leave the forest, they die?" Link asked.
"Nope! It was all a ploy of Microsoft to isolate them from the outside world and make them dependant on the internet for news and social interaction!"
Link raised an eyebrow.
"What? It's the truth!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiight. Er, my turn then?"
"Truth or dare?"
"Dare!"
"I dare you to throttle Nabooru like a dead sparrow!"
Link rolled his eyes, "Still think it's possible to get her attention, eh?"
"Never lose hope!" she encouraged.
"Right…"
With that, Link walked over to Nabooru, who was sopping wet with a chicken on her head and various objects poking out of her clothes thanks to Saria's dares. He grasped her neck and throttled her, making the chicken fall off and three bobble dolls fall out her pants. To his surprise, Nabooru actually reacted.
"AH! I'm being attacked by the happy mask salesman!" she shrieked.
"I'll save you!" Skullkid promised, promptly tackling Link, who fell down with a "Gak!!"
Saria watched from her safety in the…wherever she was through the communicator in the bobble head doll, and snickered.
Nab then made a startling observation. "Wait a tic! Link?"
"…hi…" s/he said weakly, winded from Skullkid's tackle.
"Gah! The Happy mask salesman must have possessed him through that mask! Run away!" Nab cried, running in circles.
Link raised an eyebrow.
"Uh…." Skullkid said, staring.
"Nabooru, sometimes I worry about you." Said Saria.
"Huh? Where's that voice coming from?" skullkid tracked it to the doll, which he picked up. "Hey, where'd its head-" He said as he turned it over, then stopped abruptly as he looked down the neck.
Saria's eye blinked.
Skullkid stared.
"Skullkid?"
Skullkid stared some more.
"Not again…snap out of it, Skullkid!"
And still he stared.
Saria sighed in exasperation. "This is getting old, people" she muttered.
Skullkid snapped out of it and turned to Nab. "Nabooru, why do you have discombobulated body parts in your doll?"
"What?!" she snatched the doll from him and looked down the neck. "Oh, hi Saria."
"Yo."
"S'up?"
"Meeting at the Sacred Forest Meadow."
"Right. I'm on my way."
"Good luck, agent spirit. This message will self destruct in five seconds."
Link's eyes widened.
"5…"
Skullkid stared.
"4…"
Nab stared.
"3…"
"Uh, should we, like, do something?" ventured Skullkid.
"2…"
"Nah, she's probably just joking." Nab said uncertainly.
"1…"
"Right?"
End flashback!!
"Well, that explains why you're all smoking." Ganon remarked.
Nab coughed, disturbing some of the soot that covered her head to toe.
"But there is still one question that you have failed to answer." Ganon said ominously.
"And that is?"
"Why does that midget keep throwing fish at me?!"
The midget giggled madly as it threw another fish.
Link raised an eyebrow.
"Speaking of fish, did you ever get your swordfish back from Zelda?" Nab asked.
Ganon slapped his forehead, "I completely forgot about that! Oh well, I suppose going to this meeting thing is necessary if I'm to retrieve my swordfish. Hey Mido, wanna come with?"
"Huh?"
"It says: 'bring a friend if you want to'"
Actually, it says: "Bring a frend if you wahnt"
Ganon did not appreciated my correction, as he rolled his eyes at me. "Right. We get the point. So, what do you say?"
Mido, who had gone starry-eyed, jumped up and down excitedly. "Are you kidding?! Let's go!"
Meanwhile, back with Link and company…
"Um… We're standing right next to them, you know." Link pointed out.
…..Shaddup.
"Why IS that midget throwing fish at him?" Skullkid wondered.
"In honor of the magnificent Tick! (really old cartoon show. Don't ask)" The midget replied.
Skullkid raised an eyebrow.
Midget threw a dead fish at skullkid.
Skullkid got nailed in the face with it.
The fish stuck to Skullkid's face.
Ganon snickered.
Midget threw more fish at Ganon.
Ganon glared at him.
Midget giggled.
The fish did the hula.
Skullkid wondered how a dead fish could do the hula while stuck to his face.
Mido wondered why a dead fish would do the hula while stuck to Skullkid's face.
Nab wondered where the dead fish had acquired a hula skirt to fit a fish.
Link wondered why no one had spoken for over 10 lines.
Ganon wondered why everyone was just standing around blinking.
Nab blinked.
Link realized he couldn't stand the silence much longer.
Skullkid peeled the hula dancing dead fish off his face.
The fish realized it was dead and stopped moving.
Nab stared at the limp, dead fish.
The readers wondered when the author was going to get on with the frickin' story.
The author wondered how long she could get away with this.
Link lost his mind.
Mido realized that midgets who throw fish can not be dipwads, and therefore the telegram for the King of Evil must have been offered to him because he really is the King of Evil.
Link started looking for his lost mind.
Mido plotted to steal the triforce and take over the world, then eat cake. Because cake is good.
Link found his mind.
Link's mind wondered what the f-ck the author was on.
The Author realized that she was on a chair.
Ganon wondered how the midget could possibly mistake Mido for the King of Evil.
Mido realized that no one could mistake him for the King of Evil unless he really was the King of Evil.
Ganon wondered where the logic was in that.
Mido remembered that Ganon was psychic, but wondered why he knew what Ganon was thinking.
Ganon realized Mido was psychic.
Zelda wondered what was taking so long for the King of Evil to show up.
Everyone else remembered what it was they were supposed to be doing.
Everyone else ran off to do it.
Zelda wondered how everyone else could do it at a time like this.
Everyone else marveled at the twistedness of Zelda's mind.
The readers marveled at the twistedness of the author's mind.
The Author plotted to remove all dialogue from the next chapter.
The readers shuddered at the twistedness of the author's mind.
The Author decided to end this chapter.
The chapter ended.
The Author thanked the readers.
The readers reviewed.