Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fic by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to-"

Nintendo's lawyers glared at the disclaimer.

"Will you at least let me finish?!"

"No."

"ThewizardofOzdoesn'tbelongtomeeither!"

Chapter 10: Clichés Galore!!

"What IS this place?"

"I don't know, but I don't like it. Let's get out of here."

In a rather unusual little clearing we find two of our heroes-

"That's HEROINE!!!" Nab corrected me heatedly.

"You mean the drug?" asked Skullkid.

Nab scowled at him.

Anyways. The two her- er, I mean- the hero and the heroine-

"Hey wait a minute! We can't be the hero- I mean, the hero and the heroine! We aren't even the main characters!"

SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!!!!

"Ok ok, yeesh! What, is it that time of the month again?"

"Er…Skullkid?"

"What?"

"The narrator isn't female."

"Eh heh…oops" Skullkid sweat dropped as my eye began to twitch.

"Well, I just figured…since the author's a girl…" The infernal maggot's stuttering did nothing to ease the vein that ticked in my forehead.

"I'll shut up now." The idiot squeaked.

"Wise decision. Continue, oh kind and merciful narrator."

Screw you guys, I'm outta here.

'Step step step step'

'Slam!'

"Oh, great, now look what you've done!"

"What? What'd I do?"

"You called him a girl, you idiot!"

"Oh yeah huh…"

"Sigh…oh well. Guess we'll just have to go on without him."

"Right."

'crickets chirping'

"Emm…maybe we should start by telling the readers what's in this clearing."

" 'k. Well, there's a lot of grass- not that prickly plains type grass, but that really plush blue-green stuff that feels good to your bare feet- and then there's some funky little purple flowers that kind of look a lot like a guy's-"

"Skullkid!!!"

"What?"

"Can't you go five sentences without being sick and perverted?!"

"No."

"You know what? I think I'll do the narrating."

"You do that."

"In most aspects it was a perfectly normal clearing, with plush green grass and the occasional exotic flower-"

"I already told them that!"

"Shut up! Now where was I…ah yes, there was however one peculiar little oddity so prestigious that one was bound to notice it the instant one set sight on said clearing."

"Wow. You're pretty good at this."

"Yeah, I know. Stop interrupting me."

"Sorry."

"You did it again!"

"Sorry!"

"Just be quiet."

"Ok"

"….."

"Oh woops…sorry."

"…do you not see the vein ticking in my forehead?"

"I'm shutting up now. You can continue."

"Right then. This oddity lay in the fact that directly in the center of the clearing there was a small hill, on top of which sat an old Victorian mansion surrounded by a very localized rainstorm. All the grass on the hill was black and brown, quite a startling contrast to the vivid green surrounding it. Both house and hill were very small, almost the size of a doll house, but the detail was far too precise for this to be any abandoned child's toy."

"Hey, wait a minute! You're reading this off the script!"

"Uh- no I'm not!"

"Than what's that behind your back?"

"Bobble head doll."

"Oh. My mistake. Continue."

"Heh heh heh…sucker. The words are written on my hand!" (A/N: She's thinking this, just so you know. Damn this is hard without the narrator)

'rustle rustle crash!'

"That's- !!"

"We know, we know!!"

"Who should come crashing through the bushes then but a lost and disheveled Ganondorf, who was currently locked in a bitter struggle with a craggy deku bush, but with a last mighty tug managed to disentangle himself-"

'Thud!'

"-only to fall face first onto the floor of the clearing. "

"Nabooru, what the hell are you doing?"

"Narrating."

"Narrating? Where's the narrator?"

"He got mad because skullkid thought he was female, so he stormed off somewhere."

"The narrator's a man?"

"Am I the only one who realized that?!"

"Looks like it. How did you come to that conclusion, anyway?"

"I saw him at the Christmas party."

"Christmas-"

"-party?!"

"Uh oh…"

"Why were we not informed of this?!"

"Hmm…you know, now would be a great time for a distracting plot twist."

Suddenly the three of them were struck by lightning from the odd centralized storm and were electrocuted horribly.

"Hey! You're back!"

Yeah. Whoopee.

"Author got on your case, didn't she?"

-- shaddup. The world around them lurched suddenly, and before they knew it they were lost in a tornado of whirling colors.

"Woah. The colors, Duke, the colors!" Skullkid ranted.

"Who the hell is Duke?" Nab asked.

Ganon sighed. "Well this is just great. Now all we need is some green hag on a broomstick to fly by laughing maniacally."

No sooner had he said that when Kotake flew by upside down, ranting about cheese.

Ganon shrugged. "Close enough."

"I'm gonna die!! We're all gonna die! I'm gonna HURL, and then I'm gonna die!!" Skullkid screamed. (I forget where that's from, but a friend of mine quotes it constantly)

Nab rolled her eyes. "Drama queen."

"Anyone have any idea what's going on?"

"I don't know, but I have a feeling we're going to crash in a land of midgets and have to track down some batty old wizard to get us back home all the while being chased by an evil witch with a skin disease."

Ganon rolled his eyes. "I meant a serious idea."

"I know exactly where we're going!" Skullkid announced.

"Really? Where?"

"Some wheeeeeeeeere over the Raaaaaaaaaaaainbow!!!"

Ganon scowled darkly.

"I think he's lost it." Nab said.

"Skiiiiiiiiiiies are filled with angry monkeys!!!" Skullkid continued to sing loudly, sounding even more off-key than Link.

"Wouldn't that imply he once actually had it?" Ganon pointed out.

"Good point."

And so we leave the trio drifting in a whirl of color as we turn our attention to a certain cliffhanger left by the last chapter…

"A GERUDO??!!!!"

The tremendous voice shook the fortress, positively rattling it in its foundations.

"WHAT THE HELL IS A GERUDO DOING IN MY CAKE??!!"

Link whirled around to see a tall elegant Zora who easily could have been Ruto's twin striding angrily towards him.

"Uh- I-I'm not a gerudo!" Link protested weakly.

"Oh yeah? Well you sure do look like one to me!" She stopped in front of him, her ruby eyes narrowed.

"Listen, I'm not really a gerudo, I'm under a spell!"

The Zora rolled her eyes, "Oh, like I'm gonna believe that!"

"It's the truth! The Happy mask salesman gave me this gerudo mask and when I put it on, poof! I ended up looking like this!"

The Zora looked back at him, her features softening. "Hmm…that sounds like a transformation mask…well if that's what it is, then I can change you right back!"

"Really? How?"

In answer, the Zora grabbed the sides of his face and pulled.

"Owowowowow! What the hell do you think you're do-"

Suddenly there was a blue flash of light, and behold! Link was himself again!

"Yahoo! Now I'm a real boy!" He exclaimed, jumping into the air for joy.

The Zora raised an eyebrow.

"What?" He asked.

The Zora looked him up and down appraisingly. "Aren't you that kid my sister was obsessed with?"

"…sister? Wait, do you mean…Ruto? Are you Ruto's sister?"

Suddenly the Zora's eyes widened as she gripped the sides of her head and screeched. "Agh! Do not mention that name in my presence! She is a disgrace to me, I can't stand being related to her!"

"Ah, so you are the wicked fish of the west!"

"Aye, yes. I am. "

"Got a name?"

"But of course. I am-"

'thunder crash'

"WARUTO!!"

'more thunder crash, horse whinny'

"…..Waruto?"

"Yes."

"That's one of the stupidest names I've ever heard!"

Waruto blinked. "One of?"

Meanwhile, in the Mario dimension…..

"Waluigi get strange feeling joke being made at our-a expense!"

"Wario think Waluigi need medication"

"Waaaa!" Waluigi cried.

"Waaaa!" Baby Luigi cried.

Luigi sighed. "My alter-a egos make-a me sick!"

Back in Hyrule…

"Oh yeah? So what's your name then?"

"Link"

"Ha! See? That name's just as stupid as- wait…Link? …aren't you the guy that killed my sister?"

"Uh oh…" Link thought. "Er…" he said.

"Well? Are you or aren't you?"

Link gulped nervously and looked down at the floor. "Y-yeah"

Waruto dove at Link, and he braced himself for whatever sort of attack she was going to throw at him. He was surprised, however, when instead of punching or kicking Link, she crushed him in a mammoth hug.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank
youthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank
youthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthank
youthankyou!!!"

"Can't…breath…gak!"

Waruto let go and jumped back, "Oh, sorry!"

Link leaned against the table, gasping for breath. "Never…do…that…again…"

"You know what? In honor of your great deed concerning my sister, I'm gonna give you a one time offer to join me and my forces of evil in our conquest of Hyrule!"

"Er…woot?"

"So, whaddaya say? Wanna join?"

"Hmm…I don't know…"

Meanwhile, in Link's subconscious…

A Link dressed in a white tunic with angel wings poking out of his back and a halo made out of tinsel sat on Link's right shoulder. "Now wait a second! You're not actually considering joining them, are you?"

A Link holding a red pitchfork who was dressed in a black tunic with red devil horns poking out of his hair and a pronged red tail coming out from his backside appeared on Link's left shoulder. "Oh, c'mon! Don't you wanna be on the fun side for once?"

"You're a hero! You have to be with the good guys!"

"You WERE a hero. Your future is yours to decide."

"Oh puh-leeze. You don't know the first thing about being evil! You wouldn't last five minutes as an evil minion."

"That sounds like a challenge! Come on, Link, let's prove to this sissy boy we can be just as evil the next guy!"

Link looked back and forth from one to the other. "Wait a second. Isn't this all just a little bit…cliché?"

"Er…"

Meanwhile, in the real world…

A random scarecrow leaned over and whispered in Waruto's ear: "How long as he stood there muttering to himself now?"

" 'bout five minutes" she replied casually.

Back in Link's subconscious…

"Okay, how about this. I join her for now-" Link began.

"WHAT?!" his good side shouted indignantly.

"Yes!" his evil side punched the air for joy.

"Will you let me finish?!" Link snapped.

'silence'

"Thank you. Ok, so I join her for now. That way I can see what it's like being evil, and if I decide to be good after all, I'll just sabotage her operations from within. If I like being evil, well…than I'm all set to go."

"Sounds good to me" said evil Link.

"I don't know…" Good Link muttered.

"Got a better idea?" Link asked.

"Well no…alright, fine."

Back in the real world…

"Alright, I've decided. I'll join you."

"Yayness!" Waruto jumped for joy.

"But there's just one little problem…"

"What's that?"

"Well…there is-"

"ME!!!" cried a mysterious evil disembodied voice.

Everyone present gasped.

"Great. More evil disembodied voices. Just what I needed." Link muttered.

In Link's subconscious-

"Hey! I resemble that remark!" snapped Evil Link.

In reality-

"Who are you? What do you want?"

"…Seven days…"

"Huh?"

"Er…I mean…never mind. I warn you, hero, you shall not live past midnight!"

"But…but you just said seven days!!"

"So?"

"Look, no creepy evil voice is going to threaten one of my minions and get away with it!" Waruto snapped threateningly.

"Heh…We shall see…"

'Thunder crash, woman scream'

"…I think it's gone now." Waruto ventured.

"No, I'm still here. The sound effects guy was just getting bored."

"Hey, I think I've figured out where the voice is coming from!" Link announced.

"Gotta go!" the voice said hurriedly, before exiting. At least I think it exited…

"Weird…" Waruto murmured. "So where was it coming from?"

"I dunno. I just said that to get rid of it."

Waruto snickered. "So what were you saying before we were rudely interrupted?"

"Well…I've never been evil before, and I'm not really sure how…"

"Say no more! I know exactly what you mean!"

"Really?"

"Yup. Tell you the truth, this is my first time being evil too."

"Really? You don't look it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean you're really dressed for the part."

Link had a point. Waruto was wearing a long black dress with a waterfall front, accented by purple earrings and purple eye shadow. She looked like a goth. Um...not to say that goths are evil, or anything...

"Hmm…so neither of us have any experience being evil. This could be a problem."

"Yeah…"

"Maybe we should hire an advisor or something. You know, someone to give us a few tips on being evil?"

"That's a great idea! I'll go put out an add right away!" Waruto said, and exited.

Link watched her go with misgivings. He had a strange feeling that the voice was still there, lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And now he was completely alone. Well, except for the hoards of random minions still setting up the dining hall, he was completely alone. Anyway, Link was getting pretty nervous. It was getting kinda dark outside, and it would probably start raining soon.

"Actually, there's a ninety-two percent chance this storm will swerve to the south and miss us entirely," corrected a random weather man.

'Thunder crash'

And then it did rain.

The random weather man's lip quivered as he sniffled. "Sometimes I think the weather just wants to spite me."

"Why does it always start raining here whenever I'm around?" Link wondered aloud.

"Oh not always. I remember seeing you come out of the water temple once, and it wasn't raining then," said a passing scarecrow.

"Yeah, it stopped after I defeated Morpha."

"Who?"

"The evil creature that took over the water temple during Ganon's reign."

"Weird. I wonder why it's started up again."

"Well, it all begins when water evaporates into the air…"

The scarecrow scowled at the weather man, then left to continue with his duties.

'shriiiiiik'

"…What was that?!"

Suddenly something flew through the air, grazing Link's shoulder.

"Wha-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed the random weather man.

'thunder crash'

"What? What's wrong?!" asked another scarecrow.

"Are you blind?! There's a frickin' knife in my chest!!!" the weather man screeched.

"Ooh…that's not good," said a tektite.

"No sh-t, Sherlock," Link said with a roll of his eyes.

"Should we like…do something?" asked yet another tektite. Quite a crowd was gathering around them now.

"Hmm…"

"Nah."

The random weather man pouted. "Aw gee, thanks guys." He then died.

"What was he doing here anyway?"

The random minions shrugged. "I dunno," said one.

"Better yet, what are you all doing here?"

"We're setting up for the big victory celebration!"

"Victory celebration? Cool. What victory are you celebrating?"

"Our conquest of Lake Hylia from the Zora!"

"…Isn't Waruto Zoran?"

"Yeah, but…it's complicated."

"Whatever. I'm going to go tell Waruto about the dead weatherman."

And with that he left the minions to their work.

A/N: And that's all for today, folks! . Thank you all for reading, and-

"REVIEW!!!!!!" Ganondorf commanded.

'Thunder crash, woman scream'