Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: Zelda and all related indicia are-
"Mine, all mine!!! Yeeheeheeheeheehee!!" Nintendo cackled evilly.
Disclaimer backs away slowly.
A/N: New Chapter! Yay! I don't have anything else to say! (hee hee, that rhymed) Read and review, dammit! And thank you in advance for doing so.
A note for all Wicked fans: I have never seen the musical "Wicked", nor read the book that inspired it, in fact I hadn't even heard of it when this story was originally written. As such, my Wicked Witch of the West is based entirely upon the Wizard of Oz movie and my own crazy conjecture. Please to be not burning me at the stake for this.
Chapter 11: Links Just Want to Be Evil
Ganondorf groaned. His head reeled. They had fallen for what felt like hours through a whirl of nonsensical color before blacking out. Now he lay there on what felt like firm ground with his eyes squeezed shut. He dared not open them for fear that it would send him reeling again. A twig snapped nearby, and his eyes sprang open. The happy mask salesman's face swam into view above him. Their faces were so close together that their noses almost touched. Needless to say, the king of evil was quite startled.
"Aagh!!"
"Aah!"
"Aagh! "
"Aah!"
"Aagh!"
"Aah!"
"Will you two shut UP?!" Nab snapped.
"Never!" they cried in unison, before returning to their screaming contest.
Nab grimaced and massaged her forehead, trying to ignore her pounding headache.
"Aagh!"
"Aah!"
"Aagh!"
"Aah!"
"Aagh!"
"Aah!"
"Aagh!"
"Can I kill them now?" she pleaded.
"Nah, we may need him," Skullkid pointed out.
"d'oh…" Nab pouted.
Ganon looked over at Nab. "What was that about killing?"
"Let's just say we're getting REALLY annoyed with your screaming contest over there," Skullkid informed him.
"HE started it!" HMS cried, pointing an accusatory finger at Ganondorf.
"Well, you startled me! How would YOU like to wake up to MY face hovering a few inches above you?"
"Oh, I wouldn't mind…" Nab muttered under her breath without thinking.
Skullkid overheard Nab's mutter and balked, giving her an odd look.
"What?" Nab asked, blinking innocently.
Ganon turned to the HMS. "What did you think you were doing, anyway?"
"Researching!" HMS exclaimed with his usual over abundance of enthusiasm.
Ganon raised an eyebrow.
"What?" HMS asked.
"I thought you already made a gerudo mask" Nab said.
"Well yes, but that was a female one."
"I see…"
"So anyway, where are we, how did we get here, when did we stop spinning, what is the meaning of life, and why is there a chipmunk in my pants?" Skullkid asked.
Everyone else did a double take at that last question.
"Um…I mean…and why is the mask dude here? Yeah, that's what I meant to ask, yeah."
"Wait a minute…you're not wearing pants!" Nab exclaimed.
"I never said I was wearing pants. I just said there was a chipmunk in them."
"If you're not wearing your pants, how do you know there's a chipmunk in them?"
"Simple. My pants are in my hat, and the chipmunk is in my pants. "
"Wait…so that means the chipmunk is in your hat?"
"Well yeah…"
"Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
"Where's the fun in that?"
Everyone but Skullkid did a face fault.
Skullkid smiled happily.
"Enough of this nonsense. Where are we?" Ganon asked.
"Uh, guys? You remember that funky little house in the center of the clearing?" Nab began nervously.
"Yeah. What about it?"
"Eh-heh…it's…not so little anymore…" she said, pointing.
Everyone turned and looked.
Nabooru's words rang true, for there before them rose a great hill, the mansion at its crest. Thunder crashed as the lightning forked through the black sky above, illuminating the eerie scene. All were struck speechless. Well, almost all.
"Heh heh heh. Welcome to my humble abode." HMS chuckled and bowed.
Ganon glared at him.
"What?"
"You used his laugh." Nab informed HMS.
"So?"
Ganon's eye twitched.
"Er…come inside, won't you?" The HMS laughed nervously.
Ganon continued to glare daggers at him.
"…this way!" He directed, running off in the direction of the mansion.
"Should we follow him?"
Wordlessly Ganon drew his deku swordfish and ran after HMS.
"…I'll take that as a 'yes'." Nab remarked, following him.
"What IS it with that guy and his laugh?" Skullkid wondered aloud.
"Don't ask me." Replied the pants-in-hat-dwelling-Chipmunk.
Skullkid shrugged and chased after the others.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch- er, I mean, Waruto's lair…
Atop the tallest tower of the black fortress of Lake Hylia, Waruto's dark figure stood undaunted by the howling winds and pounding rain. Her dress flailed dramatically about her, as did her earrings, as she stood glaring at the fields in the distance. Her lips drew back into a menacing smile as she chuckled. "Ah, Hyrule…that golden paradise of green grass and blue sky…long have I envied your spacious lands, your rolling hills…but the day is coming when I need not envy, for your lands will soon belong to me."
'lightning strike, thunder crash'
"Hyrule shall be mine!" she cried, then somehow managed to spoil the effect completely by doubling over and giggling: "Teeheeheeheeheehee!!"
Her soliloquy finished, she turned to the figure behind her; a strange green woman adorned in black robes and a pointy hat with a battered old broomstick in hand.
"Well, how was that?"
The mysterious figure stroked her chin thoughtfully as she spoke in a raspy voice. "Mmm…not bad. A bit on the short side, but that's to be expected for a first timer. The insane ranting was good, yes very good, but there's just one little thing you need to work on."
"And that is- ?"
"You laugh like a giddy schoolgirl."
Waruto sighed and hung her head in her hands. "I know, I know," she moaned.
"You're going to have to manufacture your own trademark laugh, and use it often, yes very often."
"Right."
"Now focus, dearie, and remember what I told you."
Waruto closed her eyes and muttered under her breath, "Think evil thoughts, think evil thoughts…"
"Now try it with me. Yeeheeheeheeheeheehehehehe!"
"Teeheeheeheehehehehehe!"
"No, no, no get rid of that 'tee' sound!"
"Eeeheeheeheeheehee!"
"Are you laughing or screaming?"
Waruto scowled and tried again. "Umm…Buahahaha!"
"No, not evil enough."
"VUAhahaha!"
"Well that's better, but not by much…"
"Fu fu fu!"
"…No. Just, no."
"Argh! Who would have thought that being an evil mastermind would be so hard?!"
Suddenly the trapdoor opened, and out popped Link with a gaggle of tektites trailing close behind. He ran over to Waruto, but stopped as he spotted the mysterious figure.
"Waruto! The random weatherman, he's- huh?" Link paused as he noticed the mysterious figure. "Who the heck are you?"
"Don't hold back on the swearing now, you're supposed to be evil."
"Er…ok...who the HELL are you?"
"Much better." She cackled, then with a clear of the throat she laughed "Yeeheeheeheeheehee!"
'thunder crash'
"I am- the Wicked Witch of the West!"
'thunder, horse whinny'
"And you're here because…?"
"I've been hired as your evil consultant."
"Evil consultant as in consultant in matters of all things evil, or just a consultant who is evil?"
"The first one."
"Wow, that sure was fast," he remarked to Waruto.
"Well I hope you're ready for some hard work, my pretty, and your little tektite, too!"
Link gripped the sides of his head and cried "Ow!"
"What's wrong?" Waruto asked.
"Cliché overload."
"Riiiight…so what'd you rush up here to tell me?"
"No, no no, you need to be more demanding of your minions. Remember who's boss, and make sure they know that!"
"Er…right…um, what is it, puny one?"
"The random weatherman has been-"
Dramatic pause.
"Murdered!"
'dun dun DUN!!!'
"What?! Well don't just stand there, boy, find out who did it!"
"Very good!" The wicked witch cackled with approval.
"But I already solved it! The murderer is-"
Meanwhile, in the-
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Screamed the readers.
Just kidding.
"WHO?!" Waruto demanded.
"ME!!"
All present turned to the new arrival, who laughed evilly at their reaction and stepped out of the shadows to reveal-
"Dark Link!"
"Yes, it is I. But tell me, my ever despicable counterpart…how did you know it was me?"
"I didn't. I just knew you'd reveal yourself if I said I knew who you were."
Dark Link scowled.
"Wait a minute! This isn't right! You can't have dark as part of your name unless you belong to the evil party!" shrieked the witch.
"But…but I'm his shadow! I have to do the opposite of whatever he does!"
"Well then you'll just have to change your name."
"But I like my dark! You can't take it away from me!"
"Then you'll have to join the evil party"
"Ok, fine. Link, get out of here and go find those goodie-two-shoes you call your friends.
"What?! No! I wanna have some fun for once!"
"Li-ink!" Dark Link whined.
"No dice, shadow boy. From now on, I'M the evil one around here."
"But I'm supposed to be the evil one!"
"No, I am!"
"No, it's me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Zelda!"
"What?"
"Ha-ha! Gotcha!" Link laughed.
"Yeesh, can't you go five minutes without thinking about her?" Dark Link said, rolling his eyes.
"Who, Zelda?"
"SEE? There you go again!"
"But I-"
"You know Waruto, I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't trust a guy who's obsessed with the leader of the forces of good." Dark Link said silkily, working his way over to the Zora.
"Wh-what?! I'm not obsessed! Don't listen to him, Waruto, he's only trying to undermine us so he can take my place as the minion of evil!"
"Yes, and he's rather good at it too." Pointed out the witch.
"Of course! That's why I'M the evil one."
"Wait…you're the evil one because you're good?"
Dark Link scowled at his twin, "…Shaddup"
"You know, there's a way to get around that whole shadow thing. You could BOTH be evil…yes, and quite easily too." the witch cackled thoughfully.
"Really?!" Link and his shadow exclaimed in unison.
"Why yesss…it's not difficult at all, actually. I just do…this!" she cried, hitting Dark Link with a bolt of magic lightning.
"AAAGGHHH!! IT BURNS!!!" He screamed.
"Good. It's supposed to."
Dark Link whimpered.
"Oh, don't be such a crybaby," Link admonished.
Dark Link glared at him through the electricity cackling around his body. They were all momentarily blinded by a sudden flash of light, and when it faded a changed Dark Link stood before them. He was no longer translucent and his skin was the same tone as Link's. His clothing and hair remained black and his eyes, though still red, were no longer glowing pin points of light.
Dark Link smiled as he looked himself over. "Yay! Now I'm a real boy!" he cried, jumping for joy.
Waruto raised an eyebrow. "Why do I suddenly have this odd feeling of déjà vu?" she thought.
"Of course, you can't call yourself Dark Link anymore since you're not a shadow."
"But this was all so I could keep my name Dark!"
"Then just take off the Link part, stupid!" Link snapped.
"Alright! From now on, my name shall be…Dark!"
"Welcome to the dark side, Dark." Waruto greeted him.
"Isn't that kind of redundant?" asked one of the tektites.
"Oh, go clean up the random weatherman."
A/N: What? I didn't have anything to say up there, what makes you think I have anything to say down here? Oh wait, I do have one thing to say." She paused, closed her eyes, and then opened them to reveal a terrifying spectacle of puppy dog eyes!
"Pweeze review!" she cooed in a nauseatingly cute manner.
Ganon rolled his eyes and looked over at the audience.
"What she said."