Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!
A fan fic by RebelX
Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia are moist and squishy."
"AND…?" Nintendo's lawyers prompted expectantly.
"And all their moist squishiness belongs to Nintendo."
"YES!! HAHAHA, the squishiness is mine!! Heeheehee!!!" Nintendo cackled with glee.
The lawyers and the disclaimer exchanged glances and began to back away slowly.
A/N: Greetings, my pretties! I bring you an update of the squishiest kind. I realized the other day that I have been neglecting some of my characters and plan to reintroduce them to the story. I am of course referring to Rauru, Darunia, and the rest of the sages and side characters that you haven't seen since chapter 8. I have also noticed a large drop in the insanity related randomness of my recent chapters, so I will try to fix that as well.
Chapter 12: Plumbing, Bowling, and Giant Amoebas
Our story today begins in the vile fortress of Waruto. She, Link, Dark, and the Wicked Witch of the West had gathered in the throne room, where they were continuing to resolve matters.
"Who are you, anyway?" Dark inquired of the witch.
"Yeehehee…I am…the Wicked Witch of the West!!"
'Thunder crash, horse whinny'
Dark blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "The Wicked Witch of the West? What kind of a name is that?"
"It's not a name, you fool!" she huffed, "It's a title"
"So what's your real name?"
The witch cleared her throat. "They call me… Iukyxuxckygniattreehugnertlemecnertaytuosxt 'clap clap' shrittumyratiktiktikni 'whistle' kucanyoureadthisgyamatanuinikge 'gunshot' switeeohgaheighralkhskdjrghrs 'honk honk' eepopwhadabayu!"
Everyone present stared at her in bafflement.
"But you may call me Iukyxu."
"Can I call you Timmy?" Link asked hopefully.
Iukyxu raised a wicked black eyebrow.
"What? It's a cool name!"
"I wonder about you sometimes, Link," Dark confided to his twin. Link scowled.
"Shouldn't you two be getting to your…special assignment?" Waruto reminded them.
The pair groaned. "Aww, man…"
"Do we have to?"
Waruto's eyes turned a demonic red in answer. "GO." She commanded in a ridiculously deep voice.
Dark and Link made tiny "eep" sounds and ran like hell.
"There. Now that that's all taken care of…"
Waruto leaned back in her chair and pressed a small button on the side of the armrest. Seconds later the doors of the throne room swung open to admit a black tektite. Of course, it was really a red tektite but it had been dyed black to make it look more important. It scuttled before the throne and bowed awkwardly.
"Report!" Waruto commanded.
The black tektite, Nyx by name, promptly straightened and did so.
"I herald news both bad and goode, which doth thou wish to hear?"
"Hmm…give me the good news first."
"The evil king hath entered the House of Masks."
"Ahh! Excellent! And…the bad?"
"Jonny, thinking the plot foiled, hath disabled the trap there."
"Argh! So close, yet so far…"
'CLANG!!!'
"AAAAGH!!"
Waruto looked up questioningly as these strange noises sounded from somewhere far away. "…what was that?" she wondered aloud.
Waruto was not the only one who pondered the source of the strange noise. Not far away, two familiar figures crouched on a hillside and brooded over the source of the sound.
"It seems to be coming from the fortress," Rauru observed.
"No shit, Sherlock"
Rauru scowled at Darunia before turning his attention back to the fortress.
Yes, the two sages had finally found their way to Lake Hylia, after a series of hilarious misadventures that the author is too lazy to write down.
"Hey!!" The author screeched.
What? It's the truth, isn't it?
"The truth?! You want the truth?!"
Yes!
"You want fries with that?!"
Yes!
"You can't handle the fries!"
…what about the truth?
"It's a $1.50 with ketchup"
Okay, I said, giving the author a buck. Keep the change.
"Hey! I said $1.50!!"
Ok, I'll keep the change.
"Grr…fine Mr. Funny man, no ketchup for you!!" She growled in a poor impersonation of the Seinfeld Soup Nazi.
Waaa! I want my ketchup!
"Aww…here ya go!" the author gave in to my pleading and…poured a gallon of ketchup over my head.
…eww.
"And the truth is, I completely forgot about those two until now," she confided.
…and you're too lazy to explain where they've been all this time.
"…Shaddup"
"GET ON WITH IT!!!!" roared a mob of angry readers.
"Why on earth would anybody build a castle in the middle of a lake, anyway?" Darunia wondered aloud.
"Why would anyone build a temple in the middle of a volcano?" Rauru retorted.
Darunia thought for a second. "…point taken."
They stood in silence for a moment, gazing at the massive black towers of the castle that rose from the depths of the lake.
"I suppose we should go back and report now…" Rauru muttered.
"Hey wait a minute! If this fortress is in the middle of the lake, it must be covering the island and the water temple. And since Link used the serenade of water to warp here…" the goron chief trailed off.
"He must be in there somewhere!" Rauru caught on.
"Right. And I'm not about to leave my sworn brother behind!"
Rauru sighed. "Very well…"
'CLANG!'
"AAAAAGGH!!"
Darunia looked up as the noise rang out again. "What IS that?"
"Hmm. Come to think of it, it kind of sounds like…Link!!"
Darunia jumped to his feet in alarm. "Come on! We have to get in there!"
The two sages clamored over the hill and crept nearer to the bridge that served as an entrance to the watery fortress. Using the lakeside laboratory building as cover, they observed the entranceway.
"We must be careful. The entrance is heavily guarded."
Darunia rolled his eyes. Why must the light sage constantly point out the obvious? "I'm not blind, chubbo."
Rauru made a face, but said nothing.
What Rauru had obviously observed were the hard-to-miss legions of scarecrows garbed in strange uniforms and carrying pointy sticks as they marched around the entrance. Or rather, since they couldn't really march, they just sort of hopped in sync. It was pretty funny to watch, actually. They sang a strange chant that consisted of only one word.
"Oweeo, oweeeo. Oweeeo, Oweeeeo"
"What are they saying?" Rauru asked.
"I can't hear. Let's get closer," Darunia suggested.
They maneuvered around the side of the laboratory, getting as close as they dared. From there, they were able to clearly distinguish the words to the strange chant.
"Oreo, Oreeeo. Oreo, Oreeeeeo." (A/N: What? That's what I always thought they were saying in The Wizard of Oz!)
Darunia cocked an eyebrow.
"Mmm…cookies…" Rauru drooled in a very Homer Simpson-like manner.
Darunia rolled his eyes.
"What?"
"Never mind…so how are we going to get past them?"
Rauru stroked his chin thoughtfully. He thought he had an idea, but it turned out to be a moldy piece of cheese, which he ate. Darunia, however, actually had an idea.
Meanwhile, the scarecrows continued their…er… "march"
"Oreo, oreeee- huh? What's that?" asked one of the scarecrows, stopping his march and pointing up the hill.
Another scarecrow also stopped hopping and followed the gaze of the first. "Oh, you mean those aliens?"
"No, no, next to that!"
"Bigfoot?"
"Next to that!"
"The big angry goron rolling towards us at top speed?"
"Yeah that's it."
3…2…1…
"AAAAAAHHH!!!"
The scarecrows panicked, frantically trying to hop out of the way. They were unsuccessful however, and Darunia barreled them over like a super sonic cheeseburger.
"Mmm…cheeseburgers…" Rauru drooled. I wish Nab were here to put a bucket under that. Anyway.
Unfortunately, though the scarecrows were thwarted magnificently, Darunia – who could not see where he was going – sailed right over the bridge and plunged into the lake, where he sank like a rock.
"Glub glub."
"Ooh…that's not good," Rauru said, his bear trap of a mind making yet another brilliant deduction. And then he glared at me. Hey, don't pay attention to me, go save your friend!
"…glub…"
"Don't worry, Darunia! I'll save you!" Rauru cried heroically, striking a pose before diving into the lake. The sage of light tried to swim down to the goron, but his enormous amount of flab made him surprisingly buoyant. He floated upside down with his head and chest underwater and everything below the waist sticking up in the air. Anyone passing by would see nothing but a pair of legs thrashing above water.
"What the heck? Are those…pokemon boxers?" remarked a disgusted passerby.
"……glub….." Darunia…um…glubbed.
"Wait a minute! You're a sage! Warp out of there, you idiot!" Rauru snapped, his sagely spiffiness somehow enabling him to speak clearly underwater. Darunia complied, morphing into a ball of red light and alighting safely on land. Rauru followed suit.
"You know…we could just warp into the fortress through a window or something." Darunia realized.
"Oh yeah huh. Guess we barreled over all those scarecrows for nothing."
"…the…pain…" groaned one of the scarecrows.
Darunia shrugged. "Oh well." And with that, the flabulous duo warped into the fortress. They ran through several corridors, searching for the source of the noise and, hopefully, Link.
"How much further?!" Rauru panted.
"How the heck should I know?"
"Argh! I'm too old for this!"
"Well maybe if you lost a few thousand pounds…"
"Hey!! I'm in great shape for a 500-year-old!!"
After a bit more running, Rauru and Darunia finally made it to the room where the noises were coming from. Darunia, with his usual tact and cunning, kicked down the door and barged right on in. "What's going on here?!!" he roared.
The door, meanwhile, happened to swing back on its hinges and hit Rauru in the face. Despite being slammed into by one of Waruto Fortress's trademark super-heavy doors, the sage didn't fall down on account of his enormous weight.
"Ow," he squeaked, his voice ridiculously high-pitched due to his nose having been smashed.
"Oops…sorry, chubbo." Darunia grinned apologetically.
"Stop calling me that!" Rauru snapped in the same squeaky voice.
"Rauru? Darunia? Is that you?" Link asked, as he started to get up.
"Wait Link, watch out for that-" a familiar noise cut Dark off.
'CLANG!!'
"AAAGH!!"
Dark sighed. "I warned you…"
Link said nothing but carefully wormed his way out from under the sink and stood up. He and his dark brother had been battling that most evil, diabolical monster of homely conveniences: the plumbing.
'Dun Dun DUNNNN'
"Sink trouble?" Darunia asked, temporarily taking over Rauru's job of stating the obvious since the old man himself still hadn't moved out from behind the door and couldn't see what was going on.
"Yup. The tektites are saying the water tastes funny, so we have to check it out." Link explained, rubbing the back of his head sorely.
"Yeah. Can you believe it?" Dark piped up, "Out of all the expendable minions swarming over the place, she gets US - her personal advisors, no less – to fix the frickin' plumbing!!"
"Who's 'she'? And who are you, for that matter?" Darunia demanded to know.
It was at this point in time when Rauru, having finally pushed the door aside and entered the room proper, caught sight of Dark. He gasped as he recognized Link's twin for what he formerly was. "Begone, shadow! Vile minion of the evil king, begone!" He roared, conjuring a ball of white energy in his palm.
"Hey, hey!" Link cut in, stepping protectively in front of Dark, "It's alright! He's cool, he's with me!"
"But…isn't he the shadow creature you fought in the water temple?" Rauru asked, now utterly baffled.
"The one and only!" Dark announced proudly.
"Yeah, but he's on my side now. Timmy made him a real boy!" Link explained happily, punching the air for emphasis on the words 'real boy'.
Rauru and Darunia raised their eyebrows and gave him the exact same stare.
Link looked from one to the other. "What?"
"Real boy?" Darunia asked.
"Timmy?" Rauru asked at the same time.
"Local sorceress." Dark explicated, "Hey, mind passing me that wrench? Right next to your left foot…no, your other left…there ya go. Thanks."
"Sorcer…ess? Named…Timmy?" Darunia blinked, the concept bending his frail mind dangerously.
"Actually, her name is Hwuk- er, Hukyz- Hiukyzu…wu… aww screw it. Her name is really weird. He just calls her Timmy for some reason."
"It's a cool name!" Link snapped defensively.
Rauru glanced at Link, who by now had crawled back under the sink…hee hee, that rhymed. "Wait…did you say you were having…plumbing problems?"
Link sighed "Yup"
Rauru's eyes lit up (never a good sign) as he struck a heroic pose. "This looks like a job for-"
The sage of light jumped into a conveniently placed phone booth, then sprung out a moment later dressed as-
"Sailor Moon?"
Rauru blinked and looked down at himself. "Woops, wrong costume." He blushed, reentering the phone booth.
"Don't tell me what he does in his spare time. I get the feeling I don't want to know," Dark remarked to Darunia.
"Eh-heh…" Darunia scratched the back of head as he eyed the phone booth.
Rauru came back out, this time dressed in ratty blue jeans, a red plaid shirt, and a wide leather equipment belt.
He cleared his throat. "As I was saying- this is a job for: plumber man!!"
Dark raised an eyebrow.
Ignoring him, Rauru waltzed right up to the sink and roared "Out of the way, fairy boy!"
"Huh?!" Link started, the promptly hit his head as he tried to get up…again…
'CLANG'
"AAAAGH!"
Dark sighed as he rubbed his forehead. "He REALLY needs to stop doing that."
"He's got to have one major headache right now" Darunia sympathized.
Link, who had extricated himself from the sink by now, caught sight of Rauru's outfit and froze right in the middle of rubbing the throbbing bump on his head. "What the?"
"I'll take care of this! I am a fully certified plumber. I even have the pants!" Rauru gestured at his ratty jeans.
"Riiiiiight…" said Dark.
Link's eyes widened as realization set in. "Uh oh…"
"What?" inquired his twin.
In answer, Link tore down a nearby drape and tied it around his eyes.
Dark looked at him funny. "Um…what's with the blindfold?"
"You'll see…unfortunately."
Rauru then bent over
Dark and Darunia's eyes enlarged comically as they screamed: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone in the room except Link, who had the foresight to blindfold himself, fell down on the ground screaming in agony from the awful sight that was Rauru bent over under the sink with his- well, you all know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you've spared yourself the blinding mental image of Rauru's butt crack. Or not, since I just told you about it.
The readers promptly clutched their eyes in agony. "DAMN YOU REBELX!!!" they screeched.
The Author cackled evilly.
Darunia began muttering, his limbs twitching occasionally. "My eyes…so unclean…"
Dark was doing the same. "The horror…" he wheezed with a twitch, "the sheer, unadulterated horror…" and twitched some more.
'CLANG!'
"AAAAAGGGHH!!"
"Ha-ha! I'm not the only person who-"
Link's proud announcement was cut short by a strange noise.
'KABLOOP-BLOOP-AA!!'
"Wah?"
Link peeked out from under the blindfold. His eyes widened and he jumped backwards moments before a certain sage of light crashed into the floor where he had just been, leaving a large crater. Link ripped off the blindfold and regarded Rauru.
"Ooh…that had to hurt."
'KABLOOP-PLOO!'
"Huh? That sounds like…" he paused, looking up, "Morpha?!!"
Indeed, the gigantic violent aquatic amoeba her/him/itself writhed violently as it oozed out of the pipes. Its nucleus spun rapidly, keeping its body a mass of flailing tentacles.
"KA-BLOOP!!" He/she/it um…blooped indignantly.
Link smirked confidently. "Ha! I know how to take care of you!" he sneered, "I'll just use my trusty hook-" he paused, frantically fishing around in his magical items sack. "Huh?! W-where's my hookshot?!"
Elsewhere…
"Fuahahahahaa! It took days to gather enough magical energy for the equipment snatching spell, but it was worth it! Now at last, THE OCARINA OF TIME IS MINE!!!" Zelda cackled evilly.
"So…what are you going to do with all this other stuff?" asked a random minion.
Zelda looked at the floor, which was littered with all the various magical items and other gadgets that Link had collected on his recent adventure.
Zelda stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm…"
Back with Link…
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!!" Link screamed as he flew into the wall, "Owie…stupid amoeba…"
Morpha snickered.
"Ung…I could use some help here!" Link snapped in the direction of the floor, where Darunia and Dark were still writhing in agony and Rauru was snoring loudly. None of them moved. Link scowled.
"Never fear! Random Ninja is here!" announced a random ninja as he flew out of nowhere in super-cool ninja style and lunged at the aquatic villain. "Die, you evil fiend!!"
Link raised an eyebrow. "Oookay…"
Random ninja's slightly muffled voice somehow fought its way out from somewhere inside Morpha's mass of writhing tentacles to Link's ears. "Take that!" it said, "And that! Haha- argh! Blasted tentacles!! …wait a minute…Oh goddesses that's not a tentacle!!!" (A/N: I so stole that joke from 8-bit theatre…)
Link's eyes grew wide as the meaning of that sank in. "I'll…just…be going now…" he said haltingly, then turned and ran like hell.
"-that's a Pepsi cup!" the random ninja finished. (A/N: -but not that one!)
Elsewhere…
Waruto sighed, still depressed over the latest news. "The one time he's right where I want him, and I'm not ready for him. Can things get any worse?"
No sooner had she said these words then a breathless and flustered Link burst through the doors.
"The plumbing's been invaded by a giant aquatic amoeba!!!"
Waruto glared tiredly at nothing in particular. "…I just had to say that, didn't I?"
A/N: "Fu fu fu! Another chapter hath reached completion-ness! "
"And a fine chapter it was, my pretty." cackled Iukyxu.
"And now I shall go watch the Wizard of Oz for more inspiration!" the Author announced.
Ganon turned to the readers. "Don't forget to review!"
"Ah ah ah! Don't forget to be evil, dearie" Iukyxu chided him.
"WHAT did you call me?!"
"Uh…that's better"
"Hmph." Ganon scowled, "Review dammit!"
The Author broke out her trademark puppy dog eyes and added "Pweeze?"
"Hey, now that's not evil at- aww." Iukyxu broke off, having just caught the full blast of the Author's puppy dog eyes. The author giggled, somehow managing to sound both cute and evil at the same time.
"Bye bye now!" she waved.