Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia will fall before the might of my irresistible puppy dog eyes!!"
"Hey! There's only room enough in this fan fiction for one pair of irresistible puppy dog eyes!" protested the author.
"Grrrr!"
"Grrrr!"
A lone tumbleweed rolled by as author and disclaimer glared at each other.
'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme played:
'Doodle-oodle-ooo...dew dew deeeew... Doodle-oodle-ooo...doo doo doooo!'
"Er...Let's...not get involved here..." Nintendo's lawyers decided wisely before running away.
Author's note: I see dead people…
Chapter 13: The (brief) Return of Kirby
"Ganondorf!!!"
"Ganon!!!"
"Pig
boooooy!!"
Voices echoed through the woods, startling birds and setting animals to flight. Or is it the other way around?
"C'mon guys, we've been looking for hours! Surely we should have seen some sign of him by now?"
"Yeah, for all we know, he might not even be IN the woods anymore... And don't call me Shirley!"
"Hmm...let's not give up quite yet. It's better we keep an eye on him, lest he try to resume his evil plans. At the very least, let us continue searching for Kirby."
"Whatever you say, Impa."
Yes, the voices belonged to that much neglected group of everyone who was not sent on a specific mission: Impa, Saria, and Mido.
"See anything in your uh...balls?" Mido snickered, trying and failing to keep a straight face.
Saria rolled her eyes. "I only have one, dipstick"
Mido's lip quivered for a moment, then he burst out laughing.
Saria scowled darkly.
Suddenly Impa stopped. "Hark; do I see a flash of pink in the distance?" she said.
"I don't know, do you?" Mido asked, his laughter subsiding.
"Forsooth! Let us hasten that-a-way!" Saria cried, striking a dramatic pose.
The trio hurried in the direction of what they hoped was a certain maniacal pink puffball. They were heartened as they drew close enough to discern what was indeed a small pink ball of fluff, and quickened their pace. They stopped a yard or so away from the creature, crouching in the bushes and trying not to draw attention to themselves. Yeah. Right.
"HA-ha! It looks like a giant pink marshmallow!" Mido guffawed stupidly.
"Will you be quiet?! You're gonna scare it away!" Saria whispered harshly.
Kirby, whose back was turned, did not seem to notice them. They crept closer, making as little noise as possible.
'KRUNCH KRACKLE SNAP TRUDGE TROMP KRICK KRACK'
Apparently, Kirby was deaf.
...And now they're all glaring at me.
"Aw, screw this!" Mido snapped.
The brash Kokiri stopped attempting to quietly sneak up on their target and trudged right over to it. Still, it took no notice of him. He cleared his throat loudly. Still nothing. He coughed. No reaction. Now thouroughly irritated, Mido made a face and socked it hard in the back. The punch was enough to send Kirby falling flat on his face, but other than that it neither moved nor responded in any way. Mido raised an eyebrow.
"Er...guys? I think it's dead."
"Wha- ?" Saria, who hadn't dared watch while Mido engaged Kirby, now looked out from behind her hands and walked over to them. Impa followed her, her shiekan brow furrowed in thought. Wordlessly Saria kneeled and examined Kirby's motionless figure. She gasped as she caught sight of the pool of red liquid pooling beneath it. Impa knelt beside her, considering the dead creature. The sage of shadow dipped her finger in the fluid she saw pooling under the puffball. She rubbed it around in her fingers for a bit, then leaned forward and smelt it. She jerked back, her face a mass of confusion. Then she leaned forward and, haltingly, tasted it.
"Eww!! Impa! That's blood!"
"Hmm...tastes like...cherry kool aid?"
Mido's mouth dropped slightly. Then he took hold of Kirby's arm and rolled the ball of flab over. Everyone present gasped at what they saw.
"It's a dummy!!" Saria exclaimed.
Mido scratched his head. "What kind of maniac fills a dummy with cherry kool aid?"
"THIS kind of maniac!" a strange voice called from above. A green-clothed figure jumped down from the tree, giggling maniacally as they landed and started dancing around weirdly.
"Ao-ohoho! You have fallen into the trap created by Tingle himself! Now you suffer the wrath of magic fairy princess!"
A trap door fell open with a loud grating creak. Unfortunately (for Tingle, anyway) it was nowhere near our gaggle of heroes.
"Dude, you're off by like...three feet." Mido pointed out.
"Ooh, not good, not good! Tingle will have to drive you into manor himself! Ao-ohoho!"
"Stop making that stupid noise!!" Mido snapped.
"Ao-ohoho! I know not what you speak of, mister fairy"
"Graaaa!" Mido screamed, the overall stupid gayness of the fairy-want-to-be finally pushing him to the breaking point. He tackled Tingle, his eyes burning with rage.
"Oh oh! No no no no-oof!" Tingle cried as the Kokiri threw him to the ground. Then he got an idea. "Wait, yes! Ha ha!" Unfortunately for our heroes, the strange little man had just realized that a 35 year old man (albeit a short one) could easily overpower a little Kokiri. He laughed in his extremely annoying manner as he threw Mido through the trapdoor.
"Uh oh..." Saria murmured.
"Now Tingle use magic fairy magic!" Tingle announced as he started dancing, "Tingle Tingle Koolooh Limpah!" He did a flip in the air as he finished, throwing confetti in the air. Nothing happened.
Saria and Impa raised their eyebrows.
Tingle paused, stroking his ridiculously pointed chin thoughtfully. "Hmm...someone must have stolen the magic words created by Tingle himself. What will Tingle do now?"
"Why doesn't Tingle tell us where Link's umbrella is?" Saria suggested.
"Ao-ohoho! Tingle made it more useful for himself! See?" he said, holding out the umbrella, which was now covered in marker drawings.
Saria stared at him "...You used it to make a map?"
"Yes, yes! Tingle need map of magic fairy princess's lair, but Tingle no have paper! No-ohoho! So this is the map improvised by Tingle himself!"
"Riiiiight...well we'll just be- Yoink!!" Saria exclaimed suddenly, grabbing the umbrella.
"Oh no you don't, mister fairy!" Tingle warned.
Saria froze, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "Did you say...mister?!!"
"Yes."
"Oh, ok. Just checking." Saria said calmly, her eyes returning to normal.
"Right."
"...not." and thus she lunged at Tingle with every intent of choking his brains out.
"Ha-ha!" Tingle guffawed as he grabbed Saria. "What foolish fools these fairies are!"
The insane little weirdo did a little dance and was about to throw Saria in after Mido when suddenly-
"CHEESEBURGER!!!" Kirby roared, flying out of nowhere and swallowing Tingle whole. "Eew! Tastes wike doity undapants!" he said, his voice muffled slightly by his full mouth, and then he spit him out. Kirby had regurgitated him with such force, however, that Tingle wound up sailing far off into the distance.
"Tingle Tingle Koolooh Limpaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!" He cried, his voice getting farther and farther away until he landed with a satisfyingly loud crash.
"Phew...thanks Kirby!" Saria breathed.
Kirby considered her. "Fries?" he squeaked.
Saria's eyes widened with panic. "Um...hey look! A McDonalds!" she said, pointing.
"Mmm! Clowns!" Kirby cooed, flying off in the direction she pointed.
Saria heaved a sigh of relief. "Double phew...well that's all taken care of, so now what?"
"We must retrieve our foolish young comrade from whatever terrible place lies beyond that trapdoor." Impa replied.
Saria groaned and rubbed her forehead. "I knew you were gonna say that..." She said before jumping in with a cry of "Geronimo!"
Impa followed wordlessly.
Meanwhile, in as certain creepy little house not far away...
"Where'd that little freak go?!" Ganon roared.
"Dude. Calm down. It's just a frickin' laugh." Nab remarked.
"It's not JUST a laugh! It's MY trademark! Copying my laugh is like stealing my identity!" He seethed.
Nab rolled her eyes. "Whatever"
"This place is so huge..." Skullkid murmured in awe.
Nab glared at him.
"What? I didn't say anything obscene!"
"Sorry, force of habit"
"If you would kindly focus on the task at hand?" Ganon sneered.
"Hmm..."
The interior of the house was dark and dusty, every nook and cranny bursting with cobwebs. Spiders scuttled off in every direction whenever they opened a door or disturbed a piece of furniture. The wood of the walls was gray with age and even rotting in some places, so great was the decay. Nabooru wrinkled her nose.
"Man, that guy needs to do some serious cleaning around here."
"Tell me about it...achoo! I'm not even allergic to dust, and here I am sneezing like crazy! achoo!" Skullkid wheezed between sneezes.
"Uh oh..." Ganon muttered, stopping.
The others stopped beside him. In front of them were three doors in various stages of decay. They were covered in intricate carvings and had undoubtedly once been very beautiful, but the ravages of time and a certain lack of housecleaning had stripped them of all glory and design. They stood like great grey monsters, waiting to devour any hapless individual who should wander into their cracked, hulking maws.
"Damn it Narrator! Achoo! Quit freaking us out!"
Nah, it's way too much fun.
Skullkid scowled at me.
"So...I guess we should split up, huh?" Nab said, suggesting the one thing they didn't want to hear.
Ganon narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Doesn't it strike you as a liiiittle too convenient?"
"How do you mean?"
"3 doors. 3 of us."
"Hmm..."
"Achoo! Sniff…If you guys don't mind, I'll take this one." The skullkid said with a sniff.
So saying, he walked over to the least decrepit ( and least dusty) of the three doorways and entered it. Nabooru looked over the remaining two thoughtfully.
"Hmm...I'll take the middle. It's most likely to actually go somewhere." Nab reasoned, approaching the aforementioned door.
"Then that leaves me with the far left." Ganon said to nobody in particular.
The instant he opened his door, he knew something was wrong. On the other side lay not a hall or stairway, as one might expect, but a vast field of grass blowing gently in the wind beneath a golden sky.
"Eh...that sky looks more yellowish than gold."
It's gold.
"Yellow."
Gold!
"Yellow!"
Gold!
"Yellow!"
"Stop arguing with the narrator!! Don't make me start speaking in all caps!!" The Author threatened.
Ganon rolled his eyes. "Screw this. I'm taking a different door." He turned, "What the?!"
The door was nowhere to be seen. All around him was nothing but grass, wind, and sky.
"...shit..."
Meanwhile, the Skullkid was having a similarly baffling experience. He'd open his door to find a perfectly normal looking stairway, and at the bottom he found another door. Behind this one, however, was a perfectly abnormal looking forest.
Skullkid stood staring at it with wide eyes.
Bewildered, he stepped beyond the doorway and closely examined his surroundings. This forest was somehow darker, more foreboding than the lost woods. The contorted figures of gnarled black trees stood grasping for him, their finger-like branches quivering in the dusky breeze. The leafless husks of craggly bushes crouched at the feet of the trees, their brambles and thorns forming an impassable net on both sides of the meager path. Fog wreathed the ground, coiling around the trees in delicate wisps.
" ...you know, this place wouldn't be half as bad if I hadn't listened to your description of it."
It's called 'atmosphere'. It's my job.
Skullkid made a face at me.
Suddenly, a twig snapped somewhere in the gloom ahead of him.
Skullkid's eyes widened and he backed away slowly. "I...think I'll go try a different door" he said hurriedly. But when he turned around...
"Agh! Where'd the door go?!!"
(A/N: I'm so evil )
Meanwhile, Nabooru was marveling at the scene behind the middle door.
"Wow. A corridor. Yippity-skip."
...in her own sarcastic way. Wonder and awe aside, she trudged down the small hall and opened the door at the other end. And there was the most baffling of all sights to behold-
"It's a stairway."
...yes, it was a stairway. A perfectly normal, creaky, decrepit, old stairway.
"You forgot 'filthy'," Nab reminded me, crinkling her nose as she ran a finger along a step and examined the mass of dirt and dust it collected.
She climbed the stairs and soon came to another door. Before she could enter it however, an extraordinary sound reached her ears.
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh-oomf!!!!"
"What the?"
Curious, the gerudo went back down to investigate. Poking her head back into the corridor, who should she see in a sprawled heap on the floor then-
"Mido?!!"
"Ung...Nabooru?"
"How on earth did you get down here?"
"Long story...mind helping me up?"
"No problem." She shrugged, crossing to the fallen Kokiri.
"Geronimo!!!"
Nab stopped and looked around. "What was-"
She was rudely cut off when Saria came crashing down on top of her.
"OOF!!" They cried out.
"...ok...that hurt..." Nab gasped.
"Oh shit," Saria swore under her breath.
And a moment later, exactly what she had expected to happen, happened. Impa came crashing down on top of Saria and Nabooru.
"...but that hurt more..." Nab wheezed, her voice even more strangled.
"My apologies," Impa said, promptly getting off them.
"Sorry Nab..." Saria followed suit.
"Ung...ever heard the phrase "look before you leap"?" the slightly squashed gerudo snapped.
"Eh heh..." Saria rubbed the back of her neck nervously.
Mido, meanwhile, was examining their surroundings. "Damn this place is a mess!"
Nab rolled her eyes as she crossed back to the far door. "What, you were expecting maybe a fairy palace?" she opened the door and froze, staring. "...I hate it when the author makes me eat my own words."
Yup, you guessed it. Behind this door was not the staircase from before, but an exquisite stone palace.
"How the (beep) does all this fit inside a house?"
The young gerudo thief had a point. Said palace lay in the middle of a thick jungle that extended as far as the eye could see. Vines draped lazily over the gray stone, and the entire structure was choked with vegetation. Warily Nabooru approached the structure.
"Hmm...is it just me, or is this just a rip off of the Rorest Temple?" Saria remarked, ignoring the Author's ensuing glare.
"Only this one has spiky walls and towery-things," Mido pointed out.
"They're called "spires"," Impa informed him.
"...whatever." Mido rolled his eyes.
With that, the trio trudged forth after the sage of spirit. Together, the four clambered through the thick vegetation and climbed the cold indifferent stair of the ancient Forest Temple rip off.
...And now the Author is glaring at me.
"Dude, face it. It's just a creepy combination of Ganon's Tower and the Forest Temple." Mido told her.
"Wait a minute...since when did you see Ganon's Tower? Or the Forest Temple, for that matter?" Saria interrogated him.
Mido stiffened, his eyes glancing around shiftily. "Er...plot twist, please?" he whispered.
And suddenly the elaborate stone door withdrew into the wall, and there in the entrance stood a lady garbed from head to toe in luminous blue ornaments. A silken toga the color of a cloudless sky hung from her delicate shoulders and dangled but an inch from the stone floor, revealing the blue leather sandals that embraced her frail feet. Her pale skin glowed with an ethereal aura the color of ocean mist. Luxuriant cerulean hair tumbled from her crown and poured over her shoulders, billowing wildly in the strange, sudden wind that came seemingly out of no where and returned just as quickly. Ice blue eyes bore into their souls as a tender white hand stretched forth and beckoned with a slender finger.
And then the author keeled over from a purple prose overdose.
Meanwhile, in a certain barren field of grass...
"Does this field never end?!!"
...a certain king of thieves was slowly going insane.
"Grass. Nothing but grass. Here's a grass, there's a grass, everywhere there's grass GRASS!!"
Well, maybe not so slowly.
"The grass...it's everywhere...and it wants my soul..."
o.O actually...he seems to have already lost it...oh well.
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!" He roared, running away.
...let's just go check on Skullkid, shall we?
In a certain room reminiscient of something from a cheesy horror flick...
"It's ok...it's ok...everything's ok..."
The timid forest creature was currently talking to himself – always a bad sign- in an effort to chase away that ever persistent fear that nagged at the very center of his being. He identified every sound out loud, reassuring himself that there was nothing lying in wait to mutilate and devour him like so much-
"SHUT UP!! I'M FREAKED OUT ENOUGH AS IT IS!!!"
"Great. Now they're arguing with the narrator and speaking in all caps!" The author huffed.
"It's ok...it's ok..." the skullkid continued to mutter, pointedly ignoring the author.
'Crack'
"That was just a twig cracking under your foot..."
'Moan'
"That was just the wind blowing through the trees..."
'Ka-creek ka-creek'
"That's just a tree creaking in the wind..."
'Ka-bloopa! Bloopa!'
"That's just Morpha duking it out with a random ninja..."
'Ni!'
"That's just a knight demanding a shrubbery..."
'Grrrrrrrrrrrr'
"That's just a gigantic mutant wolfos growling in your general direction with an evil look in its- ...oh crap..."
The growling grew in volume as the wolfos slunk towards the tremulous skullkid, its eyes gleaming with hunger.
Skullkid, in an excellent display of his charactaristic courage, made a small "eep" sound and ran like hell.
The wolfos chased after him with a terrifying howl.
Meanwhile, in the highest room of the tallest tower of the desolate manor, a very familiar figure kept watch over these three groups with three of the narrator's balls. A musical, yet unquestionably sinister laugh escaped their lips as they stood and crossed to the only other figure in the room.
"And you thought I wouldn't be able to bend the witch fish's traps to my own ends."
"Oh, I knew you could do it. I just didn't care."
The first figure scowled. The second merely yawned.
"Tell me again what you hope to accomplish by this, princess?"
The first figure was none other than princess Zelda herself, the second, the happy mask salesman. But the HMS was not acting like himself. Perhaps this had something to do with the strange mask he was wearing...
"It's simple enough. Once I have all three trapped, I'll tap into the triforce of power and incapacitate the spirit sage- with your help, of course."
"And what of the third?"
"Oh, the Skullkid? Hmm...I suppose I could turn him into some wacked-out monster and use him to guard the spirit sage in some secluded, heavily booby trapped temple."
"Pardon me, but isn't that a bit...cliché?"
Zelda rolled her eyes. "Look who's talking..." she muttered, "and what would you suggest?"
"I agree with the monster part, but instead of sticking him in a temple, how about letting him wreak havoc inside the witch fish's fortress?"
"Hmm...I liiiiike...very well, I'll do that. But for now all we have to do is wait, and let the three behind the doors take care of that gaggle of miscreants" and with that she laughed evilly.
HMS laughed an eviler evil laugh.
Zelda laughed an eviler eviler evil laugh.
HMS laughed an eviler eviler eviler evil laugh.
HMS and Zelda continued their contest over who could laugh the evilest as the chapter ended.
A/N: "Yup. Zelda's evil. Ok, who many people saw that coming?"
The entire audience raised their hands.
"...I suspected as much. Oh well. Thanks as always for reading, and-"
"Don't forget to review!" said the disclaimer.
"What the- ? What are you doing down here?" demanded the author.
"THIS!" the disclaimer cried with a nauseatingly cute display of puppy dog eyes.
"WHAT?!! How DARE you! That's MY part!"
The disclaimer stuck her tongue out at the author and ran away giggling madly.
"...I feel so usurped..." The author said sadly, sniffling.
"There there..." Link cooed, patting the author on the back reassuringly.
"Hey, where's Ganondorf?"
"Uh..."
Ganon took this opportune moment to run by screaming: "THE GRASS WILL DESTROY US ALL!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"….."
"..."
The author broke out her puppy dog eyes, making Link's eyes go all swirly as he murmured: "Review...must...review..."
"I've still got it!" The author cried happily.