Give Me That Blasted Ocarina
A Fan Fiction by RebelX
Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Mr. Squiggles!!" the disclaimer cried, holding up a metroid.
Nintendo's lawyers did a double take. "Hey, wait a min-"
"SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" Mr. Squiggles shrieked, attacking the lawyers.
"Aaaaaaaah!!" the lawyers screamed, running away.
A/N: "Nyeh hyeh heh…another chapter has at last reached completion!"
Ganon gave the author a funny look.
The author noticed his stare. "What?"
"Nyeh hyeh heh?"
"It's my new signature evil laugh."
"…right…"
"Well you wouldn't let me use yours!"
"True."
"Anyway, I'd just like to point out that this is the last of the rewritten chapters. The next one will be totally new material. Woot! I'm almost to the end! Ha ha…oh, and I'd like to point out that I added a little bit to this one to make it longer. So, enjoy!"
Chapter 15: Evil Unveiled (A/N: Do not let the title mislead you. There is no stripping involved in this chapter.)
"Gasp!"
"It's- !"
"The muffin man!!" Skullkid exclaimed.
"What?! No! It's me, Zelda!!"
"Oh…so…no muffins?"
"No." Zelda said firmly. She turned to the group of mismatched heroes and heroines. "You may have escaped my shadow demons' illusions, but now you shall face an even greater horror! Prepare to face the wrath of…plan B!!!!"
"Does it involve giving us muffins?" Skullkid asked hopefully.
"No! Enough with the frickin' muffins already!!"
"Aw…I wanted a muffin."
"We gathered as much," Ganon remarked.
"You were behind all this? Zelda, how could you?!" Saria cried.
Zelda turned slowly to face the forest sage, her eyes twitching dangerously. "How could I? How Could I?!!! HOW COULD I??!!!!"
"Stop saying that! You sound like a broken record," Mido snapped.
"I think she is broken," Ganon said, tapping his forehead meaningfully.
"Just answer the damn question," Saria snapped at Zelda.
Zelda clasped her hands and bowed her head, her eyes glaring evilly as she began to explain. "When Link refused to go back to his original time and accidentally killed the water sage, I realized that people are just too stupid to do what's best for them. They just keep on making the wrong choices for the wrong reasons and they'll keep doing everything wrong until they destroy themselves and everyone around them! So I decided to gather the pieces of the triforce together to form the truforce. With it, I will have the power to control every single person's life, and I will make them do everything the right way!! And no one can stop me!!! A-hahahahaha! A-HaHaHa! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Zelda was forced to pause her evil laughing to gasp for air.
"Talk about your control freaks…" Mido muttered to Saria. Saria nodded, her eyes wide.
"Oh, and I suppose you intend to simply waltz up and grab the Triforce pieces from Link and I?" Ganon sneered, rolling his eyes. Zelda's display of insanity, though somewhat disturbing, was more annoying than threatening to him.
Zelda folded her arms and glared daggers at him, having long ago given up on sneering. "Why, do you think you can stop me?" She tried to chuckle darkly, but she ended up pulling off a Waruto-esque giddy school girl giggle. Somewhat embarrassed, she cleared her throat and drew herself up as menacingly as she could. "Fool." She hissed. "I warned you that I would get you someday, Ganon, and that day has come! I will make you pay for the humiliation you caused me!" she pointed an ominous finger at him, the intensity of her voice rising with every word. "You'll be begging for death by the time I'm through with you! Prepare to feel the wrath of the soon-to-be, supreme, almighty, Zelda!! I…will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!!!"
There was a moment of silence when the group stared at her, several of their lips quivering dangerously. Ganondorf snorted and tried to hide his smile behind his hand. Impa and Saria turned away, their eyes squeezed shut as they desperately tried to keep from smiling. Mido and Skullkid were positively shaking with pent-up mirth. Even Nab, in her kitty form, was bobbing her head with silent merriment. With a dejected sigh Zelda rolled her eyes and lowered her arm.
"Oh go ahead."
There was a series of loud thumps as everyone present fell to the ground laughing. Zelda alone remained standing, a vein ticking visibly in her pale forehead as their hoots and hollers of merriment drifted all around her. As the mirth continued, the second, still unrevealed shadowy figure got back up from the floor and stealthily snuck towards Ganondorf. The evil king was completely oblivious to this, as he was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe, much less notice anyone sneaking up on him. The shadowy figure then accidentally tripped over Nabooru and knocked right into Ganondorf, who still took no notice of him. Deciding that stealth was an obvious waste of effort, the figure marched right up to him, grabbed one of his legs, and dragged him away from the rest of the group.
Once the figure had him in the right place, he stepped back a few paces and signaled to Zelda. Now, Ganon may not have noticed someone sneaking up on him, or knocking into him, or dragging him along the floor by the leg, but for some reason he did notice the loud metallic clang that rang out a few seconds later. You can imagine his surprise when he looked up to find himself trapped in a cage which had just dropped down from the ceiling.
Zelda giggled. "See? I told you we could sufficiently distract them with that speech."
"Yes…but as I recall, you were expecting them to be frozen in terror, not laughter." The shadowy figure replied. Zelda scowled, but said nothing.
Ganondorf stood up and brushed himself off, calmly examining his prison. "Very clever, Zelda," he admitted, "but you do realize I can simply use magic to blast my way out of here?"
Zelda merely smiled. "Can you? Why don't you try it?"
Ganondorf paused, eyeing her warily. "You did something to it, didn't you? Something to neutralize my magic?"
Zelda continued smiling, saying nothing. Ganondorf sighed heavily, then turned his attention to the shadowy figure. "And who is your partner in crime over there?" he asked. The shadowy figure ominously stepped into the light. Ganon's eyes went from 0 to positively demonic in 1.5 seconds. "YOU!!!"
The Happy Mask Salesman chuckled, his voice slightly muffled by the horned purple mask he was wearing. "Still angry about him- I mean, me- copying your laugh, hmm? Ha ha ha…"
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang had finally stopped laughing.
"Phew…oh man that was funny…"
"My stomach hurts from laughing so hard."
"Hey what the- ?! Ganondorf, what happened?!" Everyone looked up at Saria's exclamation. They gasped upon seeing the evil king imprisoned, Zelda and HMS sniggering evilly next to his cage.
"Now, for the rest of you…" Zelda began, turning menacingly towards them.
Saria swallowed nervously. "Oh crap…he was the only guy with a weapo- wait! Impa! You have a sword, don't you?"
"No."
"Then what's that thing on your back?"
The sheikah attendant reached back and drew the object out of its scabbard to reveal…
"…a flyswatter?" Mido queried, quirking an eyebrow.
"Yes. You'd be surprised how bad they get up near the castle."
Saria groaned and slapped her forehead. "Doesn't anybody have ANY weapons?"
There was a moment of shuffling as they all looked.
Mido shrugged. "Nope."
"I'm afraid not." Impa sighed.
"Mrer?" Nab held up her claws.
"I have a peashooter," Skullkid announced, holding it up.
Saria glared dispassionately at them all. "…you're all useless."
"Hem hm hm…" Zelda…ah, either laughed or cleared her throat. I'm not sure. And now she's glaring at me.
"It's my new signature evil chuckle, you dolt!"
"…right…" Mido said, taking the words right out of my mouth.
"Hey Ganon!! Stop chasing that maniac and help us out over here!"
"Huh?" Zelda blinked, confused, and turned to look at the cage. It was empty. At about that moment HMS ran by, swiftly followed by a very angry looking king of evil. Zelda looked from them, to the cage, back to them, and back again to the cage. "How on earth did you get out?!" She demanded.
Ganon skidded to a stop long enough to smirk ingratiatingly at her. "I am the king of thieves, you know. I wouldn't have gotten very far in life if I couldn't slip out of a simple trap like that."
HMS noticed Ganon was no longer chasing him, and halted as well, heaving a sigh of relief. Ganon grinned evilly as he noticed this. 'Twas an excellent opportunity to catch his target off guard, and he wasn't about to waste it.
'Thwack!'
"OW!!!"
The masked mask salesman staggered under the blow, and the sudden movement was the last straw for a few of the masks hanging on the outside of his sack. They popped free of their straps and bounced to the floor, several of them rolling in the direction of the gaggle of unarmed heroes.
"MROWR!"
Er…and heroines.
"Huh? What's this?" Mido wondered aloud, picking up a mask that strongly resembled the love child of a dog and a pig. "Looks like some kind of pig…"
Saria glanced over, her eyes widening as she recognized it. "Mido! Quick, put it on!" She commanded.
"Wha-? Why-?"
"Just do it!"
"'kay." He shrugged, and put it on. "Now what?"
Skullkid's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. "Uh…Mido? Look down."
Mido looked. He didn't notice anything odd at first, just the red carpeted floor and Nab (who was currently twisted in some impossible position and licking herself). Wait…was he…taller than Saria?! He looked down at himself. "What the hell?!! I'm…I'm…"
"Congratulations! You've just transformed into Ganondorf!"
"WHAT?!!" Ganon roared, spinning around to get a view of his look-a-like.
"Cool! Check out this big ass sword!" he said ecstatically, swinging it.
Saria, Impa, Zelda, and Skullkid all ducked with a scream of "AH!"
"Be careful with that!!" Saria scolded him.
"Hey, I want to do that!" Skullkid said as he picked up another mask. He put it on and looked down. The Skullkid was disappointed to see nothing but a rather plump body stuffed in blue overalls with a red shirt.
"Wha? What the heck am I?"
Mido looked over at Skullkid. "…buahahahahahahaha!!"
"Aw shaddup. Seriously, what am I?"
"Hmm…it says "M" on your cap. Does that mean anything?"
"Aw what's it matter…I'm just some fat loser. Why couldn't I become something cool, like Mido? He has all the luck…"
Zelda grinned evilly. "I can help with that…" she said, and shot magic at skullkid.
"What the- AGH!!!!"
The others could only watch in horror as skullkid transformed into a giant-
"MUFFIN?!!"
Zelda shrugged. "I had them on the brain."
Ganon rolled his eyes. "Wow. A muffin. How terrifying."
"Hey, Ganon!" HMS called.
"Huh- mmph!!"
Ganondorf turned his head only to be cut short as the Happy mask salesman stuffed a mask onto his face. In no time at all the former king of evil had transformed into- of all creatures- a small white rabbit. The rabbit blinked, utterly baffled with this recent turn of events. When Saria, who had heard the mask salesman's cry as well, turned around to see what happened, she took one look at Ganondorf and…burst out laughing.
"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!"
"What? What's so funny?" Mido asked.
"Hee hee…(snicker) it's (snort) bunny-Ganon!!" she managed to gasp out.
Mido raised an eyebrow. Saria pointed, and everyone looked.
"…buahahaha!!"
The gerudo-turned-rabbit scowled to the best of its lapin ability.
"Yes, I admit it is quite amusing," HMS chuckled, "But if you'll excuse us…" he trailed off, scooping up bunny-Ganon in his arms.
Zelda cocked her head thoughtfully. "Hm. Why didn't you do that in the first place, instead of making me utterly humiliate myself so we could use the cage?"
HMS shrugged, "Your misery amuses me."
She scowled.
Pointedly ignoring her, HMS turned to the others. "So long, suck-AGH!!!" He screamed as Ganon bit into his fingers. (A/N: Have you ever been bitten by a rabbit? Those suckers hurt!!!)
Sniggering, the princess flew over to the happy mask salesman, and the two of them (accompanied by a wildly struggling bunny-Ganon) disappeared in a flash of light. Skullkid, still in his giant muffin form, also vanished.
"Oh great…now what?" Saria asked.
"With Ganondorf in their power, they've only one more triforce piece left to capture," reflected Impa.
"Then that means…Link!" Saria gasped at the realization.
"We must get to him before they do!"
"He was in the group going to Lake Hylia, right? Let's hurry!"
And off they went. And the chapter was finished. And it sucked mightily.
A/N: "What?! What do you mean it sucked? That was a good chapter!! Albeit a short one…"
But it was so…totally random.
The Author glared at me.
What?
"Bunny-Ganon?"
Bunny Ganon flew at me and bit my head off. Literally. Damn you and your Monty Python references…
Ganon held up a sign that read: "Review Dammit!!"
Or he'll come after YOU!
The author broke out her puppy-dog eyes, "Pweeze?" she cooed.