Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!
A fan fiction by RebelX
Author's note: (gasp) "I'M NOT DEAD!!"
"We'll see about that!" Nintendo's lawyers exclaimed menacingly.
O.O "Uh…shouldn't it be the disclaimer you're mad at?"
"We can't seem to find the disclaimer."
"I see…well in that case…bunny Ganon!"
Ganon held up a sign that read: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to the muffin man."
Nintendo's lawyers glared at him.
Ganon scratched something out, wrote something, and held up a revised sign that read: "Zelda and all related indicia belong in an insane asylum"
Nintendo's lawyers shrugged. "Close enough." They turned to the author. "But you still have to die."
"Aw, man…"
Chapter 17: Party Crashers
Another fork of lightning lit the sky. Link stood by the window, watching the rain stream down the glass. He folded his arms, his eyes narrowing.
"She's out there, Dark. I can feel it."
His shadow-turned-brother stepped out of the shadows to join him by the window.
"Hope she's got an umbrella."
Link rolled his eyes.
"Can't you be serious for a minute?"
"Nah. That's your job."
Link scowled, turning back to the window.
"So who's she, exactly?"
"You know who."
"If I did, why would I be asking?"
"No, no, that's her name. You know who."
"…I beg your pardon?"
At that moment, the door burst open with an ominous bang. A dark silhouette stood framed in the doorway, and even the sudden flash of lightning could not pierce the darkness that encompassed it. It entered the room slowly, every footstep making a squishy sort of 'glomph' noise. Dark made to step back, but Link stopped him. "Relax, she's just making an entrance."
Dark nodded, but eyed the stranger uncertainly. The figure stepped into the light, revealing itself to be a rather bedraggled, dripping wet, young woman with a pizza box.
"Tha's fify rupees" she slurred.
"Fifty rupees for a pizza?! That's outrageous!" Dark exclaimed.
"Actually, that's a good deal. Even bottled fish won't go for less than a hundred nowadays." Link replied as he handed over the money.
She briskly dropped the pizza box-which seemed oddly heavy- into his hands and glomphed back out the door, slamming it behind her. Link handed the box to Dark while he fumbled to put his wallet away. Dark cocked an eyebrow.
"Hey, I thought all your stuff disappeared."
"Nah, just the things on the items subscreen"
"The what?"
"Um…I mean, everything but my wallet, the medallions, my heart containers, my quiver-although the bow's missing, my bomb bag-which is empty, my gauntlets, my swords and shields, my tunics, and my zora's scale."
"Huh. Weird." Dark murmured as he gently set the box down on the table. Link was about to join him when he stopped suddenly and slapped his forehead.
"D'oh! I forgot to give her a tip! And after she had to go out in the rain and everything- I'll be right back. Go ahead and start without me." That said, Link turned and bolted from the room.
Dark watched him go, then shook his head. "Yeesh, even when he's evil he's nice. Ah well." Licking his lips in anticipation, he opened the pizza box. You can imagine his surprise when princess Zelda shot out of it and walloped him over the head with a hammer, effectively knocking him out.
"Vuahaha! The triforce of courage is mine!!" she roared triumphantly, apparently unaware of who it was that she had just captured.
Meanwhile, Link raced down the hall in hot pursuit of the pizza lady, a ten rupee tip clutched in his hand. He screeched to a stop as he turned a corner and spotted her at the end of it. What had stopped him was the fact that the woman had just pulled her hair and face off, revealing herself to really be a man with a wig and a mask. But not just any man, mind you. It was the Happy Mask Salesman! Link stared at the deranged shopkeeper, who was now chatting animatedly with some small furry creature in a cage on the floor. He rubbed his eyes and blinked a lot, but the scene did not change. He crept closer, until he could hear what the Mask Salesman was actually saying.
"…quite an ingenious plane, wasn't it?"
The animal in the cage, which turned out to be a small white rabbit, actually seemed to be glaring at him in response.
"It was all my idea, of course, though that arrogant princess will undoubtedly take all the credit."
Link's heart leapt into his throat at the word "princess". Could it be? The lunatic had found him? He shuddered as he remembered the madness he'd seen in her eyes when last they had met. The mask salesman, who had been droning on all the while, suddenly said something very peculiar.
"Well I say! Is that your paw glowing? Why that's the triforce mark, isn't it? And here I thought you'd have to be closer to one of the bearers in order for it to react. Unless- she hasn't got back yet, has she?" The mask salesman stood up abruptly and looked around. Link ducked behind a nearby Waruto statue to avoid detection, suddenly very glad of his boss's vanity. When he thought it safe again he peeked out at the pair, just in time to see the mask salesman sigh in relief and the bunny roll its eyes. It caught sight of him and froze, its ears sticking straight up. The mask salesman, unfortunately, caught sight of this.
"What is it? Is she there?!" He whirled, and Link barely managed to duck back in time.
"No…no she's not…you're playing with me aren't you? Pretending to see her when you really haven't…? But wait…you're awfully quick to agree, aren't you? You really did see something, didn't you! And now you're trying to hide it from me so I get in more trouble! You despicable beast! Why she's- she's hiding behind one of these statues, isn't she? ISN'T SHE?!!"
Link felt oddly calm as he watched the man dart from statue to statue, growing nearer and nearer to his hiding place. He shook his head sadly. This guy had really lost it since they'd last met.
Now let us switch for a moment to the rabbit's point of view. It watched with a certain feeling of trepidation as the mask salesman drew closer to where it had seen Link, its ears drooping down against its head. But then as he reached a certain statue, the mask salesman suddenly stopped, his eyes wide. He stepped back a bit, and the rabbit noticed a glint of metal at his throat. He backed up further, and Link came into view, stepping calmly out from behind the statue. Their voices drifted softly down the corridor, and the rabbit had to strain its enormous ears to hear.
"Link?! What on earth are you doing here?"
"Not exactly who you were expecting, eh? Heh heh…"
The rabbit cringed. He was a heh short, but still…
"I repeat, what on earth are you doing here? Shouldn't you be upstairs eating that yummy pizza you ordered?"
Link cooly raised an eyebrow. "Why, I forgot your tip. And after you had to fight your way through the rain and everything…you still want it, don't you?"
The mask salesman seemed to relax as he replied eagerly, "Why yes, of course!"
"Good. Then here it is." And with that, Link promptly knocked him over the head with his sword hilt, and the mask salesman crumpled to the floor. "Bloody lunatic…" he muttered, putting his sword away. His attention then turned to the rabbit. He trotted over and knelt to get a better look at it. "Poor thing…" he murmured as he went to open the cage door. As he lifted the animal out of the cage, he couldn't help but notice that its right paw was glowing. Upon examining it, he was surprised to discover the mark of the triforce of power inscribed there. "How on earth?!!" he exclaimed. He looked from the rabbit, to the unconscious Happy Mask Salesman, to the rabbit again, and a sudden light of understanding shone in his eyes. "I wonder…did he…? Well, let's find out. Now how did she do it again? Oh that's right." He set the animal on the floor, gripped the sides of its face, and pulled. There was a blinding flash of blue light, and Link toppled to the floor, a rabbit mask in his hands. Opposite him, Ganondorf Dragmire stumbled down to the ground as well, wincing as he crashed against the cage. Link groaned and rubbed his back, then looked up at the former rabbit.
"It is you!!"
"Yes, it's me. Boo hiss and all that. How'd you figure out how to reverse the effect of those bloody masks?"
"Oh, Waruto showed me. Notice how I'm not a girl anymore."
"Yes, I saw that." He paused, "who the heck is Waruto?"
"Ruto's evil twin. She's the one who was invading Lake Hylia with the dancing scarecrows."
"I see…" He muttered as he stumbled to his feet, rubbing the part where the cage had hit him.
"Hey, wait! Is Zelda really here or is that guy just insane?" He pointed to the Happy Mask Salesman.
"Oh she's here alright. She was in the pizza box that guy gave you."
"In the pizza- ?! Oh shit, Dark!!" and with that, Link bolted back in the direction he'd come. Ganondorf hesitated a moment, then followed.
"Who on earth is Dark?" Ganon asked as they ran.
"Why, he's the twisted creature of shadow that embodies everything dark and evil about my soul, of course!"
Ganon stared at Link. He stared so long and hard that he ran into a statue because he wasn't watching where he was going.
'Kong!'
"Ooh…that had to hurt…"
"Ow…and what exactly are you rushing off to do?" Ganon asked once he'd picked himself up off the ground.
"Save him from Zelda. I left him with that box of pizza, you see, and she'll probably mistake him for me and…" he gulped, "release her wrath upon him."
"And you care…why?"
"Because he's my friend! And Waruto would probably get really mad if my partner died…"
"Wait…the twisted creature of shadow that embodies everything dark and evil about you soul is your friend and your partner?! How the hell does that work out?!"
"Because I'm evil."
"Since when?"
"Oh, a good couple of hours now."
"Indeed. And what convinced you to join the dark side?"
"Waruto just asked me, and I thought it might be fun so I went along with it."
"…so you mean, all I had to do to make you join me was ask?!"
"Yup."
"…damn. Wish I had known that sooner."
"Yup."
Meanwhile, Waruto sat in the banquet hall, overseeing the feast. Link and Dark had both expressed an extreme dislike of formal occasions, so she had let them go order a pizza while she celebrated her victory with the rest of her minions. The feast was going well, despite the fact that Link's two strange friends were eating most of the food, until suddenly out of nowhere a giant muffin appeared and landed heavily in the center of the table. All manner of eating, drinking, and being merry halted abruptly as every pair of eyes in the hall turned towards it.
"What the heck is that?!" Waruto exclaimed.
"Language," Iukyxu chided.
"What the hell is that?!" Waruto corrected herself.
She was about to find out. The muffin shuddered visibly, and then the many blueberries dotting its exterior (for it was a blueberry muffin) actually opened to reveal themselves not as harmless giant berries, but eyes! The many eyes glared at the surrounding company, and the muffin trembled tremendously as four spidery thin leg-like appendages burst from its sides. The muffin drew itself to its full height, opening a gap between its top and bottom portions to reveal one-inch thick, razor sharp, silver teeth; and roared Godzilla-style. Iukyxu stared in a very un-evil manner, Waruto made a small "eep" sound in her throat, and there was a series of thumps as several scarecrows and tektites fell to the ground in a dead faint.
"…Nyx?" Waruto called weakly.
"What ho?" the black tektite answered immediately.
"…go find Dark and Link, and tell them to get their lazy asses over here immediately!!!"
Meanwhile, just outside the banqueting hall, a shimmer of blue light swirled into the room. It congealed in a small tornado of blue sparks-
"SHINY!! Shiny shiny shiny shiny shiny!!!!" Um…just ignore the author. She's obsessed with all manner of things sparkly and shiny. Anyways, the tornado subsided in a flash of light as the form of Mido (still in his Ganondorf body) materialized on the warp stone.
"Aww! You made the shiny go away!!"
Mido peered at the author curiously, then wisely chose to ignore her as he turned his attention to his surroundings. In case you haven't guessed by now, the sages had taught him the serenade of water so that he could warp to the lake quickly while they used their sage-magic to fly after him. They had told him he would appear on an island in the center of the lake, so naturally he was very confused to find himself in a room surrounded by stone walls with a tree sticking out of the marble floor and a pair of large ornate doors to his left. He paused as his eyes caught the doors. Was it his imagination, or had he heard something on the other side? Warily he approached and put his ear to the wood. He was horrified to observe the unmistakable sound of screams drifting in from the other side, and he backed up a few paces as he continued to eye the door. Should he play the hero, and burst in to see what was wrong? Or should he follow the wiser, more cowardly path, and simply run like hell in the other direction? The decision was made for him a moment later when the doors burst open and a black tektite scuttled into view in front of him. The tektite froze when it caught sight of him.
"…Ganondorf?!"
"What? Where?" Mido looked around wildly for a moment before he remembered the mask he was wearing. "Oh- oh no, I'm not Ganondorf."
"…thou art not?"
"Nope. See?" he held up his hand for the tektite to see his lack of Triforce-mark-ness.
"Oh. Curses. Hast thou seen Link? I must finde him immediately…"
"No. I'm looking for him, actually. Do you know where he is?"
"I canne not be sure, but I thinke I mightst."
"I'll go with you then."
And thus Mido went with Nyx to go find Link and Dark.
Meanwhile, in the highest room of the tallest tower…
"Oh, my love! May you awaken from the foul witch's curse with this, true love's first kiss! Mmm…" said a random prince as he bent down and kissed the sleeping princess. Her eyes fluttered open, and she frowned slightly as he pulled away.
"…you need a mint."
o.O …ok, in the highest room of the second tallest tower…
"Vuahahaha! With Link in my grasp, now all three pieces of the Triforce are mine! Hem hm hm…"
"Honestly, couldn't you have done any better than hem hm hm? You sound like that Umbridge woman from Harry Potter! (A/N: Which I don't own, by the way)"
"Oh shut up, Majora."
The mask scowled at her from its perch on the table, but said nothing.
"Now re-establish that remote-control possession of the Happy Mask Salesman and have him bring Ganon over here."
The mask closed its brilliant green and orange eyes as it concentrated. For a moment it lay there, unmoving. Then its brow furrowed. Then it began trembling with the effort of its concentration.
"Something wrong?" Zelda asked.
The mask's eyes shot open, its pupils narrowed in panic.
"I…I can't!"
"What? What do you mean you can't? It was working just fine a few minutes ago!"
"I know, but now when I reach out for his mind I can only see darkness, as if…as if he were…unconscious…"
Zelda turned away, her expression worried. Why did her plans have to fall apart now, when she was so close to her goal? It just wasn't fair!
"Mmmh…?"
Zelda and Majora turned to look at Dark, who was just waking up. You can imagine his surprise to find himself bound and gagged to a chair.
"Mph?!"
Zelda giggled evilly as she slunk up to the bound and bewildered former shadow demon.
"Have a nice nap, Linky?" she cooed.
Dark blinked in surprise. Linky…?
"Are you sure that's him, Zelda? I mean, I don't remember his hair being that color, and his eyes…" Dark stared at Majora. Did that mask just…talk?
"Oh of course it's him! He was probably just trying to disguise himself- and not very well, I might add." And…and she's talking back to it…
"Mmpht hmm hmmp mm mmphtmm mhmm?"
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"MMPHT HMM HMMP MM MMPHTMM MHMM?!!"
"One more time."
Dark spit out the gag and barked: "I said: What the hell is going on?!!"
"Ooh, that's right, you've been rather out of the loop recently, haven't you? Well you see, basically I'm trying to round up all the pieces of the Triforce so I can get the Truforce and controls everybody's lives. Oh, and I'm evil, by the way."
"I see…"
Dark was about to ask about the mask when suddenly, the door burst open, only to slam into the wall and rebound (as the doors in Waruto's fortress have a tendency to do), slamming shut right in the face of the person who'd kicked it open.
"Ow!" Link exclaimed in a hilariously squeaky, high-pitched voice as he gingerly rubbed his nose. "Now I know how Rauru felt…"
Ganondorf snickered, stepped around the injured hero and opened the door like a normal person.
"Hel-looooo Zelda!" He grinned, letting the door fall shut behind him. Link was still nursing his nose out in the hallway, and neither Zelda nor Majora caught sight of him before the door closed.
"Ganondorf?! What- why- how did you- ?!"
"Surprised to see me like this, eh? Heh heh heh. It is dangerous to underestimate me, princess," he warned, wagging his finger at her. Being turned into a bunny had put him in a particularly evil mood, and he had every intention to toy with Zelda until she went mad with frustration. Er…madder, that is.
"Well," she huffed, narrowing her eyes at him, "You may have escaped two of our traps, but as they say, third time's the charm!" and with that, she whipped out the megaton hammer and struck a fighting stance. Ganondorf raised an eyebrow, then shook his head and said, laughing, "You never learn, do you?"
Zelda glared at him and was about to retort when the door burst open yet again. This time however Link had the foresight to catch the door with his hands before it slammed back in his face.
"We meet again, Zelda!" He proclaimed evilly as he stepped around the door and let it close behind him.
Zelda gaped open-mouthed at him, then turned around to look back at Dark, then turned back to him, back to Dark, and finally back again to him.
"How in blazes…?" She exclaimed.
At this point I should point out that Link had been doing more than just nursing his nose in the hallway, he had also been taking advantage of the services of a nearby telephone booth. He was now dressed all in black, with red contacts and a black wig. He looked exactly like Dark.
"Link…?" Ganon ventured uncertainly.
"Close, but no cigar," 'Link' said with a wink.
"Then who are you?" Zelda demanded.
Link laughed evilly, "Tremble, mere mortals, for I am Dark Link, the twisted incarnation of darkness that embodies everything black and evil about the Hero of Time's heart, and I'm here to extricate my better half!" He gestured to Dark as he mentioned this last part.
Ganondorf caught on immediately, and had to fight to hide a smirk as Zelda burst out in confusion: "Wait a minute! If you're the twisted incarnation of darkness that embodies everything black and evil about the Hero of Time's heart, why would you want to help him?"
"Because he's my partner," Link replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Zelda blinked. "How the heck does that work?!"
"Oh, did I forget to tell you? I'm evil now." Piped up Dark, who had also caught on to Link's plan.
"Oh really," Zelda said, raising an eyebrow at him, "Since when?"
"Since Waruto asked him to join us," Link answered for him.
"That would explain why he's here in Waruto's fortress," reflected Majora.
Link blinked and looked around for the source of the voice.
"Who said that?" he asked.
"I did!"
Link traced the voice over to the table, where he spied Majora's mask. "What the? A talking mask?"
"And an evil one, mind."
"Riiiiiiight…"
"Wait a minute! That's the mask the happy mask salesman was wearing when you two attacked us in the forest!!" Ganon exclaimed.
Link blinked, turned, and stared at Ganon.
"Long story. But before I explain, what say we beat the living sht out of Zelda here?"
Link grinned evilly. "Fine by me."
Link drew his sword and shield while Ganon snapped his fingers, making the sword he had from Super Smash Brothers Melee appear in his hand. Zelda gulped and tightened her grip on the megaton hammer as the two struck fighting poses.
Fortunately for her, the door burst open yet again, and (after it hit the wall and smacked the person who'd kicked it open in the face) who should be revealed to be walking into the room nursing his abnormally large nose than-
"Ganondorf?!" Zelda shrieked.
"What the- ?!" Majora gaped.
"How in the heck...?!!" Dark trailed off, his mouth hanging open.
Link blinked. "Ok, even I'm confused now."
"You could have warned me about that!" Mido (for it was Mido, still wearing the Ganon mask) snapped at the black tektite scuttling in behind him, his voice abnormally high-pitched.
Poor Zelda was really confused now. She looked from Mido, to Ganondorf, back to Mido, back to Ganondorf, to Mido again, until finally she just set the head of the megaton hammer on the floor and clutched her head in her hands.
"You people make my brain hurt," she whined.
Majora looked Mido up and down inquisitively. "Don't tell me…you're Dark Ganon, the twisted incarnation of darkness that embodies everything black and evil about the King of Evil's heart?"
Mido looked around shifty-eyed. "Maaaaaaybe…"
A/N: "Dang. Couldn't think of a good cliffhanger for this chapter."
"Yaaaaaay!" exclaimed the readers.
"DIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!" screamed Nintendo's lawyers.
"Disclaimer, where are you?!!!" cried the Author as she ran away from Nintendo's bloodthirsty lawyers.
"Now go review!" Mido ordered the readers.
"What the- ?! Hey, that's my job!" protested Ganon.
"But I am you!"
"No you're not! You just look like me!"
"Oh."