Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Author's Note: "Still can't find the disclaimer. So, Nintendo and all related indicia belong to Zelda. Kuja belongs to Final Fantasy, which is the love child of Square Soft."

"I'm really starting to miss the regular disclaimer." One of Nintendo's lawyers groaned.

"Yeah. She didn't run quite as fast." Said another.

"Speaking of which…DIEEEE!" screamed the rest of the mob as they pulled butcher knives out of their briefcases.

"Agh! Disclaimer, where are you!" screamed the author as she ran away.

Chapter 18: Of Lunatics and Ex-Girlfriends

'Dewt dewt dew dewt dewt dew dewt dewt do-dee-doo…'

'Dewt dewt dew dewt dewt dew dewt dewt do-dee-doo'

Zelda floated idly in the dark void of her inner consciousness, the strange music drifting through the air around her.

'Dat dat da dat dat da dat dat da-dee-da…'

'Dat dat da dat dat da dat dat daw daw'

That is, assuming there is air there. I mean, it's just some random void inside her mind. There might not even be any air. There doesn't really have to be, since you don't have to breathe inside your mind.

'Dew dew dew dee dee dee'

'Do do do da do'

…do you?

'Dom dom dom do do do dom dum dae dom'

Well, anyway, Zelda was floating. And twitching occasionally. The music was starting to get annoying.

'Dew dew dew dee dee dee'

'Do do do da do'

I mean really annoying. She could hardly stand it anymore. But she couldn't stop it or anything since she didn't know where it was coming from, and when she tried covering her ears she heard it just as loudly anyway since she was inside her own mind so covering the ears of her mentally projected self really didn't do anything.

'Dum dom do da dae dee'

'Dum dom dee dew!'

"Shut up!" she screamed finally. And, thankfully, the music stopped. And then there was silence. Until suddenly John Cleese appeared.

"Hello. I'm here to tell you how not to be sane."

Zelda blinked and looked at him quizzically.

"But I already know how not to be sane!"

"Oh really? Hm. Well then. And now for something completely different."

The british man disappeared in a puff of smoke, and in his place stood two random midgets with glasses. The midgets circled Zelda a couple times, making various "Hmm hm" noises in the back of their throats, then stopped and turned to each other.

"Hmm…she's really far gone. Too far for us to push her back onto the edge, I think."

"The curvilinear method, then?"

"Aye."

They snapped their fingers, and the black void warped into a blur of nonsensical color that made Zelda dizzy. Then the blur faded, and she found herself in a room of the dusty old mansion of illusion. Random figures began to appear from no where, shouting various phrases as they stampeded through the room.

"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

"No you fool, the ground is just rising!"

"You can't handle the friesss!"

"There's nothing like the music of thousands of voices screaming in unison!"

"Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese become your big fork and spoon!"

"With great power comes great responsibility!"

"You can't kill me, Victor! I'm already dead!"

"I'm a little teapot short and stout!"

"Oh goddesses that's not a tentacle!"

Puppy dogs with glowing red eyes and twitching kitty cats jumped out of the floor and ran into the ceiling. Giant Deku scrubs glared at Zelda then backed off into the distance and disappeared into nothingness. Random gorons ran by chasing winged, flying rocks. Zoras drowned in a shallow pool by the north window. Dozens of Ganondorf and Link look-a-likes ran out of windows and into walls. The author ran around the walls of the room in circles while cackling maniacally. Zelda looked around at all this, completely and utterly confused by the strange antics she saw. She looked over at the midgets.

"Um…what's going on?"

"We're driving you insane, of course!"

"But…but I already am insane!"

"That's the point! See, because you're already insane, if we drive you crazy enough, you'll snap, but since you already snapped once you'll become sane again instead of crazy!"

"…that makes no sense. In fact, it is so nonsensical that it just might work. Off to the llama trench, my duck loving friends!"

And with that the princess ran into the wall.

"…ow…"

"Er…sorry, you can't run through walls the way everyone else does."

Zelda simply remained where she lay on the floor, twitching occasionally and giggling madly.

"He he…hee hee hee…hehehehe…hahahaha…haHAhahaha…HAHAHAhaha….

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Well. Looks like she's coming along nicely."

"Excellent."

Meanwhile, in the real world…

"Are you sure this will work?" Dark asked, folding his arms and eyeing HMS skeptically.

HMS smiled. "Oh don't worry. It'll make her sane. Eventually…"

"Eventually?" Link repeated.

"Well, it needs time to work, you see. It's different with cases of insanity than with anything else…say, troubled spirits or curses. Oh, by the way, she won't be cured yet when she wakes up. In fact, she'll probably get more and more insane and embark on a murderous rampage before she is cured of the insanity."

"WHAT?! Wh-why didn't you tell us this before I played the song!"

"'Cuz I'm an ass."

"…."

Zelda chose that most inopportune moment to awaken, rising slowly to her feet as her eyes burned manically.

"And now…to destroy the Lilac system!" she roared in a Jamaican accent.

"Oh dear…" Link moaned, rubbing his forehead.

Ganondorf sighed and rolled his eyes. "Anyone got a straight jacket?"

"I do!" Piped up the cow.

Ganondorf raised an eyebrow as he turned to look at the winged bovine.

"You just have a full assortment of random items, don't you?"

"Yup. Here ya go!"

'Dun dun dun dunnnnnn!

You got: straight jacket!'

Ganondorf, who was not used to receiving items, stared strangely up at the white jacket floating above his hands.

"Um…ok…what the hell?"

Link shrugged, "It's the standard new item sequence. Well, except, since Navi isn't here you don't get a long-winded explanation about the item anymore."

"Where is Navi, anyway?" Saria asked.

Link looked around shiftily.

"Oh…she went on a little… 'trip'…"

Meanwhile, at the waterfall in Gerudo Canyon…

"HELP!" screamed the frantic high pitched voice of Link's former guardian fairy as she tumbled over the waterfall inside a bottle.

Back in the tower…

"Help me hold her down while I stuff her into this, will ya?" Ganon asked Link as he readied the straight jacket.

"Sure."

"You'll never take me alive!" Zelda screamed and ran away. Ganon and Link then proceeded to chase her all around the room trying to get her in the straight jacket. During this time, the long forgotten black tektite Nyx (he came in with Mido, remember?) scuttled up to Dark and asked him,

"Be that the real Ganondorf who chaseth the princess withe thee straite jackete?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, that's the real one."

"It wouldst behoove us to fetcheth Waruto then, nay?"

Dark blinked as he took a second to translate the King James English.

"Oh right…the revenge thing…yeah ok. Buuuut….let's wait 'till they've got her in the straight jacket, 'kay?"

"Very well."

They hadn't long to wait. Barely a moment had passed when…

"Hieeeee-ya!" Link cried, making a dive for the princess. He managed to catch her legs and send her tumbling to the ground. "A-ha! Gotcha!"

Link held Zelda down while Ganondorf put her in the straight jacket, then the two stood back to admire their work. Zelda fidgeted inside the jacket for a bit, then gave up and crashed to the floor. After that, she started kicking her legs and spinning in circles Homer Simpson style while singing something about yellow submarines. Link shook his head sadly while his dark counterpart turned to Nyx.

"Ok, now we can go get her." And thus the two departed to fetch their fishy mistress.

No one noticed their exit, as everyone else was gathered around the still unconscious Darunia, trying to wake him up. HMS cocked his head and asked: "I say, what is wrong with the rocky one? He didn't always just used to lie around like that."

Saria sighed heavily while Impa answered him, "Unfortunately the idea of there being two Darks and two Ganondorfs seems to have snapped his frail mind."

"Oh is that all? Well I can fix that right up, just play my song of healing!"

Link turned away from Zelda's antics in order to peer suspiciously at HMS. "It won't make him go on a murderous rampage, will it?"

"Oh no, that's only with cases of insanity."

"Alright then." And with that assurance, Link stood over Darunia and played the song. Darunia twitched a bit, then jumped to his feet with a cry of "Not the Deku Scrubs!" and ran around the room aimlessly shrieking about the wrath of the scrubs. Link turned to glare at HMS.

HMS merely shrugged. "I said he wouldn't go on a murderous rampage. I never said he wouldn't go crazy."

Everyone present rolled their eyes (except Zelda and Darunia, of course).

Then, the door burst open. Now, I suppose you would expect for me to say that it slammed into the wall and rebounded, hitting the person who'd kicked it open right in the face. But Waruto had experience with these things, this being her castle, and she managed to jump into the room before the rebounding door hit her. This meant that instead of crashing into her face, it hit Dark and Nyx, who had been right behind her.

"OW!"

"Ouche!"

Waruto snickered, then turned to survey the room. Her violet eyes caught sight of Mido, and she grinned triumphantly as she pointed to him and cried: "A-ha! We meet again at last, pencil nose!"

Mido blinked, briefly forgetting about the mask he was wearing (again). "Pencil nose? What are you talking about? My nose is clearly button shaped!"

Saria sighed and rubbed her forehead. "…Mido…look down at yourself…"

Mido looked. "Ohhh….yeeeeeah….um, look lady, I'm not who you think I am."

Waruto blinked. "You're not?"

"Yeah. See, I put on this mask-"

"Oh for pete sake not another tragic transform mask mishap!" Waruto groaned. "Well, we can fix that in a jiffy, just let me…" and thus she walked right up to him, grabbed the sides of his face, and pulled. After a brief but wimpy scream of pain and confusion, Mido transformed back to his adorable (roll eyes) Kokiri self.

"Oh wow. You really do have a button nose."

"Yup."

Waruto turned to Dark and Nyx, who had entered the room properly by now and were busy rubbing their aching noses.

"You idiots! You told me Ganondorf was here, but it's just another idiot in a mask!"

"But he is here!" Dark protested in a high-pitched voice.

"Really? Where?"

"Over there!" Dark pointed.

Waruto turned to follow his finger and saw the real Ganondorf.

"Oh! My mistake. Ok, I have to get myself all worked up again now…" she closed her eyes and stood motionless for a moment, clenching her fists and shaking slightly, then stormed up to Ganondorf with a menacing shout of: "YOU!"

Ganondorf, who had no clue what was going on, simply raised his eyebrows.

"Er…hi."

"YOU TWO-TIMING, LYING, SLEEZY SON OF A TROUT!" she screamed, one hand upon her breast and the other stretched out in front of her like someone delivering a soliloquy.

"Um…do I know you?"

"Do you know me? Do you know me?! DO YOU KNOW ME?!

I'M YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND!"

There was a series of thumping noises as the jaws of all present hit the floor.

Ganondorf stared at her. He couldn't have looked more horrified if you told him his manly bits had been chopped off at birth and sewn back on upside down. (Scary Movie 3, anyone?)

"I beg your pardon?"

"YOU USED ME AND DISCARDED ME LIKE SOME WORTHLESS TISSUE! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THE WAY YOU TREATED ME! FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN PLOTTING MY REVENGE, AND NOW…MY DAY HAS COME!" she continued.

"I…I don't even know you!"

"PREPARE TO TASTE THE GRAPES OF MY WRATH, MIKAU!"

"…Mikau?"

Waruto paused, her face falling. "Woops. Wrong speech." She switched her hands so that now her right one was on her breast and her left was in the air.

"What the- you write your revenge speeches down on your hand?"

"Well…you get that awesome inspiration, you know, and you don't want to forget it when the time comes…anyway…"

Ganondorf rolled his eyes while the rest of the room picked their jaws up off the floor.

"Wait…so she's not his ex-girlfriend?" Mido asked.

"Guess not. Though it sounds like there's going to be some trouble for this Mikau person, whoever he is, when she finds him."

HMS glanced at Link, snickered, and tried to hide his smile behind his hand as Link looked at him questioningly.

"Ok, here we go. Wait…I have to get psyched up again first…"

Ganondorf sighed in exasperation. "Look, forget the fancy speeches and the performance! Just tell me what the hell you have against me!"

Waruto looked up at him, her lip quivering as her eyes grew watery. "You…you…you rejected my application!"

"…huh?"

"When I applied, to be an evil minion? You rejected me! And here I'd idolized you and wanted to become evil just like you from the day I first heard about you, and you rejected me! I've never felt so...so…"

"…rejected?"

"Yes!"

"This is what you've been going on about all this time? He rejected your evil minion application?" Dark snapped incredulously.

"Geez! And she wanted to have him captured and tortured and everything! If that's how she reacts over this, I really feel sorry for that ex-boyfriend of hers!" said Link.

HMS, again, glanced at Link and sniggered behind his hand.

Ganondorf, meanwhile, was stroking his chin thoughtfully as his eyes traveled about the room, taking in the surroundings appraisingly.

"Say Miss…er…what was your name again?"

"Waruto"

Whatever Ganondorf had been about to say, it slipped his mind as his eyes lit up with recognition. "Waruto? I remember that application! I thought it was one of the sages trying to sneak into my organization to spy on me again."

"…again? You mean, the sages tried to do this multiple times?" asked Dark.

"Yes. And I have the applications from Warauru, Waimpa, Wasaria, Wadarunia, and Wanabooru to prove it."

The sages suddenly grew very red-faced and became absorbed in staring at their shoes after he said that, and Impa muttered something that sounded suspiciously like: "I knew that was a bad idea…"

"Well anyways, Waruto, would you still like to be an evil minion of mine?"

Her eyes lit up so brightly they could have used her as a lighthouse.

"Would I?"

"He asked you first." Mido said stupidly. Skullkid rolled his eyes and slapped his forehead.

"Of course I want to be your evil minion! Oh, can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I…" This continued for quite awhile, and Link marveled at her apparent lack of need for oxygen.

"On one condition."

"Anything!"

"Get off me."

Yes, Waruto, with that clingy tendency that seemed to run in her family, had firmly attached herself to the dark lord's legs. She quickly sprung off of him and started dancing for joy at the thought of being an evil minion. Apparently, the decrease in rank did not matter to her.

"Well. Everything seems to be sorting out quite nicely, eh?" remarked Skullkid.

At that moment, Zelda ripped out of the straight jacket with an angry roar, her eyes suddenly glowing blood red.

"…you just had to tempt fate, didn't you?" muttered Saria.

A/N: "Actually, it was I who he tempted!"

"You mean you're fate?" asks Mido.

"No no, I mean…well…ok yeah I'm fate."

"Drop something?" Ganon asks, holding up a single eyeball.

"Ha ha, very funny."

"…dare I ask where you got that?" Link queries.

Ganon points over his shoulder, where an "Eyes R Us" can clearly be seen.

"…Ooookaaay…"

"I don't get it." Says Mido.

"Well, you see, Link asked him where he got the eyeball, so he pointed to the "Eyes R Us", which is really quite comical since such a store is preposterous." Kuja explains.

"What the? You're still here?" exclaims Link.

"Yes."

"Actually, I meant I didn't get why Ganondorf held up the eyeball in the first place."

"Ah. Well, in the disney version of Hercules the three fates are depicted as three women who share a single eyeball among them."

"…lovely."

"Yes isn't it?"

"I was being sarcastic."

"So was I."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed."

"Enough! Off with the reviewing, or I'll…I don't know…kill your dog or something. Yeah. …puppy dog eyes!" said the author as she did, indeed, use her puppy dog eyes.

"Review!" Ganondorf commanded.