Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!

A Fanfiction by RebelX

Author's note: "Behold, the final chapter of the longest alternate ending ever! Sorry, it took me so long to get this up…but it's the end of the school year you know, so all my teachers were assigning the huge end of year projects at the same time. But now that they're all done and over with, I can write again! Wee! Oh, and we found the disclaimer. …on a one-way flight to Australia. Yeah, apparently the lawyer's death threats and all really got to her…but she should be fine now."

The disclaimer twitched violently as she stuttered, "Nintendo…nintendo owns us all…Zelda…Link…Ganon…all related indicia…all belong to Nintendo…Only Final Fantasy is free…Final fantasy belongs to Square Soft…but soon…Nintendo will rule us all! AAAAAGGGHHHH!"

"Err…right…enjoy the final chapter everybody!"

Chapter 19: The Attack of the Out of Character-ness!

Syrril the tektite heaved a sigh of relief as he finally hopped over the final stair on the way to the second tallest tower. Now all he had to do was find his master, Waruto, so he could tell her they had finished cleaning up the banqueting hall, and then he could begin the harrowing journey back down the stairs. Syrril sighed. It wasn't easy being a tektite. Especially in a castle filled with long winding stairs and big heavy doors. Speaking of doors, he had just approached the one leading to the tower room when he heard:

"I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!

I EXIST ONLY TO KILL!" (1)

Syrril hesitated for a moment, then promptly turned tail and jumped back down the stairs.

Meanwhile, inside the room itself, our gaggle of heroes-

"Mrowr!"

…and heroines found themselves in quite a compromising situation. The insane princess Zelda had just cast Din's fire, making all the furniture, drapings, and other flammable materials in the room (including some of the heroes' clothing) catch fire.

"Welcome to my barbecue!"(2) she shrieked maniacally before collapsing in a fit of giggles.

"Agh!" Dark cried as he dodged a flaming drapery. "D-damn! We really could use some of that indoor rain now, author!"

"Hey, how come this room set on fire, even though over the multiple times I've cast this spell it's only ever hurt enemies and lit torches?" Link asked.

"I have no idea, but we have to find some way to put this thing out!" Ganon snapped.

"Run, run, or you'll be well done!"(3) Zelda squealed.

"Is it just me, or is she speaking entirely in Final Fantasy quotes?" Dark asked.

"Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!"(4)

"…yep. Definitely Final Fantasy quotes."

Ganon yelped suddenly and dove to avoid a falling beam from the roof. He lifted his head with a groan, glaring in the direction of HMS. "If only you hadn't told Link to play that stupid song, we wouldn't be in this mess!" he growled.

Link froze, his eyes wide with sudden revelation.

"Idea!" he shrieked, striking a pose as a light bulb appeared above his head. He whipped out his ocarina and promptly played the Song of Storms. Rain soon began falling from the ceiling, accompanied by the occasional crash of thunder. The inhabitants of the room all heaved a sigh of relief as the torrential downpour put out the fire- except Zelda, of course, who was quite pissed. Not only had her beautiful fires of destruction failed to barbecue anyone, but now she was getting soaked again. But the anger did not express itself in outward form, instead merely feeding and deepening her growing insanity.

"Phew…that was a close one," Dark sighed.

"No kidding! My castle almost burnt down!"

"Um…Waruto? You live in a stone palace. You wouldn't have lost more than the roof and the furniture."

"…good point."

Link got up from where he had dove to avoid some flaming debris, his eyes regarding the princess warily.

"…Zelda…?"

"Life... Dreams... Hope...
Where'd they come from...
And where are they headed?
These things... I am going to destroy!"(5)

She rose from the ground, her arms spread wide as she roared: "I will destroy everything! I will create a monument to non-existence!" (6)

"Wait a tic…how can you create a monument to non-existence? I mean, a monument is something that exists, so how can an existing object be a testament to non-existence?" Ganon asked.

Zelda leveled a glare at him, then hissed in response "The canary I'm after... she flew into her cage of her own free will." (7)

"…ok, that one didn't even make sense," Skullkid pointed out.

Zelda then laughed maniacally and fled the room, shrieking something about some guy named Edgar being a pinhead. (8)

"Um…should we go after her?" Mido asked.

"Probably. Who knows what kind of damage she could do, with the Triforce of wisdom at her disposal," Impa said gravely.

Link shook his head. "Hang on, guys…we need to formulate some sort of plan of attack before we go running after her. You know, figure out a way to keep her in check until this insanity wears off?"

Rauru turned thoughtfully to the HMS.

"Tell me, strange one bearing giant sack…how long can we expect her insanity to last?"

"Well I don't know. Were her eyes black yet?"

"Um… I think they were violet. I remember because the color reminded me strongly of the flowers in that one clearing that looked like a guy's- OW! Nabooru!"

"Still a while yet, then."

"Isn't there anything we can do to speed it up?" Mido whined.

"Well, you could try to drive her more insane. The faster and further she goes off the deep end, the more quickly she'll snap and return to normal."

"Ok…well…doesn't make sense to me, but it's worth a shot I suppose," mused Mido.

"A lot of things don't make sense to you." Saria pointed out. Mido pouted and crossed his arms, but said nothing.

"So how can we drive her any more insane?" Dark asked.

"Lock her in a room with the author." Link suggested. The light bulb which had been hovering above his head ever since he had his idea suddenly dropped down and crashed on him.

"Sorry," he said with a sheepish grin at the author, "couldn't resist."

"Hey, I know! Darunia's still insane, right? Maybe if we put them together, they'll drive each other more insane!" Skullkid suggested.

"…where is he, anyway?" Link asked.

Impa pointed to a corner, where Darunia could clearly be seen crouched in a fetal position and muttering to himself.

"The birds…the birds…! They're trying to sell me insurance!"

"Err…right…well, I really don't think he'll be any help. Why don't we just act really out of character and yell various cliché, confusing phrases?" Ganon suggested.

"…haven't we been doing that the whole fic?" Link asked.

Another light bulb fell from the sky and clocked him on the head.

"Ow…ok…I'll shut up now…"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Dark exclaimed suddenly, his eyes lighting up. Link looked at his twin strangely.

"What's the matter with you? Did you sit on a cactus or something?"

"No, you idiot! I just got an idea! Rauru!" he called, turning to the Sage of Light, "do you still have that Sailor Moon outfit?"

Everyone who hadn't been present during the Morpha incident exchanged glances.

"Sailor Moon outfit…?"

Rauru raised an eyebrow. "Yes…why?"

Link's eyes lit up in a manner identical to Dark's as he, too, caught on.

"There's a phone booth out in the hall. Quick, go change into it!" he instructed.

"Er…all right…"

The puzzled old man left the room.

Link then turned back around to Ganon. "You know, that out of character idea might actually work. Think we could put our heads together and write out some scripts for everybody?"

"No. But I think if we bug the author enough, she'll do it."

"Even better! Alright…let's get to work people! We're going to drive Zelda up the wall!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in the dark depths of Waruto's fortress…

"Life fears death,
but lives only to die."

Princess Zelda sat curled in a fetal position in the middle of the room, rocking back and forth idly.

"It starts with anxiety.
Anxiety becomes fear."

In the corner of the room, cleverly hidden behind…nothing…sat Mido, Saria, and Skullkid, who had agreed to find Zelda and keep an eye on her while the others got ready.

"Fear leads to anger...
anger leads to hate...
hate leads to suffering..."

Zelda continued murmuring to no one in particular.

"…great, now she's starting to sound like Yoda." Mido whispered with a roll of his eyes.

"The only cure for this fear
is total destruction." (9)

His eyes bugged out. "…except that part."

"Urg…when are the others going to get here? My legs are starting to cramp up…" Saria complained.

Skullkid smiled at her and waggled his eyebrows (just pretend he has eyebrows) "Oooh, so your thighs are sore huh?"

Saria raised an eyebrow. "Er…yes, along with the rest of my legs…"

"What exactly were you doing last night?"

"…"

'SMACK!'

"…I deserved that."

"Yes. Yes you did."

Unfortunately, the loud 'smack' sound of Saria hitting Skullkid upside the head got Zelda's attention. She chuckled evilly, standing to her full height and turning to face them slowly.

"The end comes... beyond chaos..."(10)

"Eep." said Mido.

"Quick, we have to start acting out of character! Skullkid, say something that isn't sick or perverted! Mido, say something smart!"

They both opened their mouths to speak, then froze as the meaning of her words sunk in.

"Hey…are you calling me stupid?"

"And I'm not always sick and perver- …oh wait, I am. Never mind."

Saria rolled her eyes and turned to Zelda, standing up as she did so.

"I hate friends. They're so annoying. They're always following you and borrowing stuff from you and they never leave you alone. Friends are stupid."

Zelda paused, blinking. This didn't make sense. Saria was such a good friend to everybody. How could she not like friends?

"The human body is a wonderful thing. It is sad that society and the media have objectified it and turned it into such a sexual thing. There is nothing sexual, sick, or wrong about a woman's breasts, for instance. They are used to nourish young children and should be considered a sign of motherhood, not sexuality," Skullkid announced.

Now Zelda was really confused. Skullkid was an annoying little pervert who took everything the wrong way and saw everything as a sexual object. But now he was saying that the human body shouldn't be considered a sexual thing? It didn't…make…sense…

"Um…guys? I can't think of anything smart to say." Mido whispered urgently.

Saria rolled her eyes and whispered something into his ear.

"Er…ok…uh, the sum of the square roots of two legs of a right triangle is equal to the square root of the hypotenuse."

"Huh!" Zelda gasped, so confounded by this uncharacteristic behavior that she forgot about her murderous rage.

Mido frowned slightly. "Am I really stupid?" he asked.

Saria sighed and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm afraid so. Er…" she glanced sideways at Zelda, "you…jackass…"

Zelda whimpered slightly and backed away, her eye twitching.

"Yo dudes! We were like, wondering where you were, man."

Zelda and the others turned their attention to the far door, where they could clearly see Ganon walking into the room. Only he didn't look like himself. His armor was gone, for starters, and instead he wore a plain white t-shirt with the words "make love not war" on it in red paint, followed by a peace sign. He also sported a pair of sunglasses and ratty looking old jeans.

Zelda screeched at the sight of him. What little sanity that remained in her mind was bending dangerously.

Ganon raised his hands in humble supplication as he took a step back. "Woah! Peace, man! Chill out!"

"P-Peace is but a shadow of death,
Desperate to forget its painful past..." (11) she stuttered in reply, trying to find some vague comfort in her Final Fantasy quotes.

"Whatever you say, dude. Hey, Link, man, come out and say hi!"

Their attention was then drawn to a hunched, quivering figure they hadn't noticed before. Link, the hero of time himself, nervously stepped through the doorway. He was trembling like a leaf, his eyes wide and fearful as they swept over the room.

"I-I-I-Is it s-s-safe?"

"Relax dude, nothing's going to hurt-"

"SPIDER!" Link shrieked, jumping into Ganon's arms. "HELP! HELP! SPIDER! EVIL EIGHT LEGGED HARBORER OF DOOM! HEEEEELP!"

"Aren't you overdoing it a tad?" Ganon whispered.

"Hey, it's working, isn't it?" Link hissed back.

It was indeed working. Zelda was twitching violently now, her eyes wide and confused. The last few constants of her world were falling down around her overly-large ears, taking the dregs of her sanity with them.

Impa entered the room next. Zelda turned her wide, panicked eyes to her guardian, a small hopeful smile playing around her lips. Impa…Impa would be normal…wouldn't she? Still as cold and serious as ever? Yeah…yeah she had to be…right?

Wrong. Impa took one look at Link and Ganon and burst out laughing. Not a normal laugh, mind you, but a high pitched girlish giggle that made everyone wince.

"Teeheeheeheehee! Aww, isn't that, like, the cutest you've ever seen? I mean, like, look at them! Teehee!"

Ganon blushed slightly, a vein clearly ticking in his forehead. He made to drop Link, but the Hylian hero desperately clung to his neck, wailing "NO! PLEASE, DON'T DELIVER ME TO THE SPIDERS! I-I'M TOO GOOD-LOOKING TO DIE!"

"Link…" Ganon hissed, "you're pushing it."

"Sorry, but I gotta stay in character…" Link whispered.

Fortunately Impa took care of the problem by going up to the imaginary spider and squishing it with the heel of her shoe, saying "Wee! Spider go squish! Teeheehee!"

"My hero!" Link proclaimed, promptly releasing Ganon and running over to hug Impa.

"Aww, you're, like, so cute!" she giggled, ruffling his hair.

It was then when Dark, Darunia, and Nab (who had somehow mysteriously changed back into a gerudo) entered the room. While Dark was still wearing his black clothing, he'd stuck a white collar around his neck and had his hand folded as if in prayer.

"May the peace of the goddesses be with you." he said in a soft, holier-than-thou sort of voice.

Darunia hadn't changed at all, of course, but was still shivering violently and muttering about evil insurance-selling birds. They hadn't bothered to give him a script, since he was already acting out of character enough in his insanity.

"AFLAC!" he screeched suddenly, and hid behind Ganon.

Zelda barely had had time to ponder these strange happenings when Nab walked up to Ganon.

"I hate you," she said brightly, "I hate you so much that it burns...just looking at you…like thousands of tiny fire ants are crawling inside my mind and nibbling on my brain…I hate you so much I just want to wrench your intestines out through your mouth and strangle you with them. Then beat your mangled carcass until every bone and blood vessel is broken and throw you to the wolves. That's how much I hate you." She smiled as she said this, bobbing back and forth on her heels and speaking as casually and innocently as if she were talking about picnicking in the meadow instead of wrenching someone's guts out.

"In fact, I hate you so much…" she jumped up on top of him, her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs around his waist, "That I love you." And then she kissed him. Yes, you heard me right, kissed him. The two gerudo then promptly began making out.

Zelda's mouth fell open. And then it closed. And then it opened again. And then it closed.

Link meanwhile, blinked and looked up at Impa.

"…was that part of the script?" he whispered.

Impa shrugged. "It's having enough of an effect on Zelda, anyway."

The Sheikah's words rang true. Zelda was not only standing stock still in the middle of the room imitating a goldfish, but was twitching like mad and trembling all over. Her eyes had turned black in color. It wouldn't be long now, before her mind snapped. Just one more little push…

Rauru entered the room. He didn't say anything, just sort of stood there. But his outfit was enough. Seeing the fat old Sage of Light dressed in the short skirt and form-fitting top of Sailor Moon was enough to send anyone over the edge, and Zelda was already teetering on top of it. With a loud 'SNAP' sound, the princess fell backwards, where she lay unmoving. The Heroes- and heroines- exchanged uneasy glances.

"Is…is it over? Is she sane again?" Saria's small voice spoke up over the din of the silence.

"I…I think so…" Link replied.

"Thank goddesses." Dark heaved in relief, tearing the collar from his throat and dropping his reverent attitude.

Link let go of Impa and stood up, dusting himself off. He glanced over at Ganon and Nab.

"Um…you guys can stop making out now."

"Hmm?" Ganon turned to look at him, but Nab grabbed his chin and pulled him back into another kiss.

"Er…"

"…why does this not surprise me?" Saria asked thoughtfully.

"Uh, maybe because the author has been hinting at it the entire fic?" Skullkid muttered, intently watching the two make out.

"Guys, knock it off. There are children present!" Impa scolded them.

"Sick, perverted children," Dark pointed out.

"Yes, well…they're still children."

"Woah, Impa. I think acting out of character loosened you up a bit." Link said in awe.

Impa rolled her eyes. "Like, shut up, like, dude."

"Unh…?" Zelda sat up with a moan, rubbing her head sorely. "Wha…what happened? Where am I? And why are Ganondorf and Nabooru making out?"

Link smiled tiredly. "It's a loooooong story."

Author's Note: YAHOO! IT's FINALLY OVER! …except the epilogue…but oh well! Yes, now I can focus on the thousands of other ideas that have been tumbling around in my brain…mweeheehee…

The Qutoes:

1) Black Waltz Number 3, FFIX

2) Kefka, FFVI

3) also Kefka

4) Kefka again

5) Kefka

6) ...give ya a hint…it starts with a K…

7) Kuja, FFIX

8) the official quote is "Edgar you pinhead! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere?" Again, by Kefka

9) Necron, FFIX

10) Kefka

11) Kuja

"Wow, there's sure a lot of…Kefka…" Mido observed.

"That's because that insane little clown has the awesomest lines ever!" said the author.

"Hey, how come you only used two of my quotes?" Kuja demanded.

"I couldn't find many of yours, actually. The site I got these from, chaos2 . org, didn't have many Kuja quotes."

"Ah…"

"I can't believe the story is finally over…" Link murmured.

"Yeah…this was the longest alternate ending I've ever seen in my life!" said Saria.

"Well, we've still got to do the epilogue. But anyways, Ganon, you want to give the final send off? …Ganon?"

"He's still making out with Nabooru."

"…GANON GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF HER THROAT AND TELL THE READERS TO REVIEW!"

A disheveled looking Ganon stumbled onto the stage, his sunglasses askew.

"Review dammit!" he commanded, before being tackled to the ground by Nab.

"Or the Author will drop a light bulb on your head!" Link added.

"Pweeze?" the Author said, busting out her puppy dog eyes.

"Aww….she's, like, so cute!" giggled Impa.