Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!
A fanfic by RebelX
Disclaimer: "No! I won't do it! The lawyers…they'll get me…" the disclaimer whined from where she hid behind the author. The mob of lawyers in front of them cackled and unsheathed their knives.
"No need to fear! I have just acquired a body guard to protect against just this sort of thing." With this said, the author reached into her pocket and pulled out General Grievous from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
The lawyers stared up at the seven foot tall (I'm guessing at his height, but he is a tall guy), four lightsaber wielding alien cyborg with wide eyes.
"How the hell did she fit that thing in her pocket?" asked one.
"THING?" Grievous hissed, his totally awesome cat-like yellow eyes narrowing dangerously.
"…run now, ask later." advised another lawyer, and the entire mob promptly ran like hell, a pissed off Grievous chasing after them.
"He's just so awesome," the author beamed. "Now go on," she prompted the disclaimer.
The disclaimer straightened and actually did her job for once. "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo. General Grievous belongs to George Lucas, although the author kidnapped him and probably won't be giving him back."
"Hell no! He's way too cool to let them kill him off like any other villain of the week!"
"Right. So…that's the disclaimer."
"Good girl" the author patted her on the head, "You actually got it right this time. And now, the author's note!"
A/N: "Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm still struggling with how I'm going to format my epilogue. But I've decided that you have been tortured with this long waiting for too…well, long, so I have added another chapter…Deleted Scenes! Yes, just like the things you see on those special edition DVDs, these are the scenes which didn't make it. As you read them, do keep in mind that they didn't make it into the story for a reason. Some are short and totally random, some are long and only ha-ha funny, and most don't actually fit into the real plot (if there really is one) of the story. So, enjoy!"
Not Really a Chapter: Deleted Scenes
Alternate Chapter 7: Zelda's meeting
"So tell me again why we're all going to this Link Haters Anonymous (LHA) meeting?" asked Link.
Nab rolled her eyes. "So we can spy on the princess, duh!"
"Er…..won't she get suspicious when she sees I've brought the sages?" Ganon pointed out.
"Don't worry. We've all come up with good reasons why we hate Link," Darunia assured him.
"And they're all true, too," added Saria.
"They can't ALL be true. I mean, there aren't that many reasons to hate such a loveable guy like me, right?" Link said.
'Crickets chirping'
"…right?"
'More chirping.'
Link made a face.
"Maybe it isn't such a good idea for me to come, though, since she's seen me actively try to protect Link….." Nab murmured.
"Um…..guys? I didn't say anything before, but…I couldn't come up with a reason to hate Link," Skullkid said worriedly.
Mido stared at him. "You're joking right?"
Skullkid shuffled his feet. "Nope."
"Why don't Nabooru and Skullkid go off and figure out why Zelda's snapped and how we can possibly get her back to normal?" Impa suggested.
"That reminds me! The reason we were calling a sage meeting in the first place was because we thought we'd found a clue to that very problem!" Saria exclaimed.
Impa raised an eyebrow. "We?"
"Well, Rauru and I."
Darunia raised an eyebrow.
Saria noticed the way everyone was looking at her. "What?"
"Since when did you two hang out together?" asked Nab.
Saria made a face. "I could ask the same of you two."
The little Kokiri snarled at Nabooru, who was holding hands with Ganondorf.
"Ha! Told you it'd be Saria who'd notice!" Ganon cried happily.
Nab muttered darkly as she handed him a blue rupee. Now she wouldn't have a legitimate excuse to hold his hand anymore…
Link shook his/her head. "What is it with you two and betting?"
"Well…..not many people know this, but Ganondorf has a serious gambling problem. I'm just taking advantage of it."
"Trying to, more like. I haven't lost a single bet so far."
"Really?" Skullkid asked, amazed.
Link frowned. "Hmm...…you wouldn't be using psychic cheating to win these bets, would you?"
"Of course not! Where's the fun in that?" Ganon said hastily as he looked around shiftily.
"He's lying..." Link whispered.
"Probably." Nab whispered back.
"Wouldn't it be funny if we could get him to confess?"
"Yeah."
"It'll probably never happen though."
Nab grinned evilly. "Wanna bet?"
Saria noticed the whispered exchange, being the observant little Kokiri that she was. "Hey, what are you two gerudos plotting?" she asked.
Link glared at her, unhappy to reminded of his/her current predicament.
"What?" Saria didn't understand why s/he was glaring at her all of a sudden.
"What was that you were saying about a clue to Zelda's mind-snappage?" Link hastily changed the subject.
"Nice terminology there, Link," Mido muttered.
"Shaddup."
"Well, actually we just figured out that the answer to Zelda's psychotic spell is somewhere in Termina," Rauru replied.
Nab rolled her eyes. "Oh that helps," she said, her voice dripping sarcasm.
Rauru looked confused. "Doesn't it?"
Now Ganon rolled his eyes. "Do you have any idea how big Termina is?"
Everyone but Ganon and Nab shrugged. "Nope"
Ganon and Nab sighed.
"Why have you two been there?" Mido asked.
"We visit the gerudo there from time to time," Ganon answered.
"Yeah," Nab agreed.
Skullkid rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "I see…"
"We're here!"
The midget interrupted as they reached a small clearing not far from the sacred forest meadow. He had been their guide to the meeting place, as instructed by the telegram.
"Well, I guess this is where we part ways." Nab said.
Ganon nodded. "Yup."
Saria nodded as well. "Yup."
Link shifted uncomfortably. "Guess so."
"That's correct." Impa said sagely.
Mido looked at the ground. "Yeah."
"mm-hmm" Er…mm-ed Darunia.
"Yo-ho!" Rauru said brightly.
Skullkid blinked and raised an eyebrow.
Rauru noticed everyone seemed to be staring at him. "What?"
"Yo-ho?" Nab repeated dubiously.
"Yo-ho!" Rauru replied, just as cheerily as before.
Impa gasped suddenly. "What weighs 5 ounces, lives in a tree, and is very dangerous?"
"A sparrow with a machine gun!"
"Yes!" she cried, high-fiving Rauru in a most uncharacteristic fashion.
Link raised an eyebrow.
"You people scare me," Ganon informed them.
Mido shook his head. "Crazy sages….."
Skullkid scratched his head thoughtfully. "Isn't that from the old 60s batman movie?"
"I believe so." replied the midget.
"Big Jon? That you? Are they here yet?" Zelda's voice drifted over from the forest beyond.
"Uh oh! We better go!" Nab exclaimed.
And so, off Nabooru and Skullkid ran, deep into the lost woods. Meanwhile, who should appear but Zelda, still dressed as a Sheikah and still pissed off as ever. She paused when she saw the large group waiting next to the midget.
"Well…..I didn't know you had so many…..friends……"
"Oh, them? I just ran into them in the village and it turns out they all really hate Link," Ganon said easily. He was quite an accomplished liar, after all, even having duped the King of Hyrule himself once before.
"Oh do they?" She broke in, glaring at Saria suspiciously.
Saria straightened under her penetrating gaze. "Why yes, we do."
Zelda frowned. "Ganondorf, can I talk to you for a moment?"
So saying she grabbed the gerudo king's arm and hauled him off behind a tree.
"Were you implying that I don't have friends?" Ganon queried dangerously.
"Well you don't, but no."
Ganon glared at her.
Zelda rolled her eyes, "Oh come on, since when were you friends with the sages?"
"I told you, I ran into them in Kokiri village."
"I don't think you're lying about that, but you're definitely holding something back. They're here to spy on me, aren't they?"
"Whatever gave you that idea?"
"I AM psychic."
"I was being sarcastic."
"Right. We need to get rid of them."
"May I ask how?"
"I hadn't thought of that yet."
"Grand."
Meanwhile, a little ways away…..
"She suspects," Saria said ominously.
"She IS psychic," Impa pointed out.
Mido looked worried. "Ooh, forgot about that"
"So what do we do?" asked Darunia.
"Think hateful thoughts about Link," Rauru told him.
Link made a face.
Saria elbowed him to make him stop. "And don't think about who THIS," she elbowed him again, "really is."
"Isn't there some way to block her powers?" asked Mido.
"Yeah, but it only works with psychic people" Saria replied.
Impa paused, then frowned. "Aren't we all psychic?"
Everyone else blinked with the sudden revelation. "Oh yeeeeaaaaahhhh"
"Alright! Everyone concentrate on a wall, and imagine that wall blocking Zelda from getting in," Saria instructed.
"But I have a hard time concentrating!" Link reminded them.
"Concentrating on what?" Zelda, done with her conference with the evil king, emerged from behind the tree and glared around at them all suspiciously. Fortunately, Link was not lying when he said he had trouble concentrating.
"On- ooh! Butterfly!" he said, staring.
"You'll have to excuse her, she's just an idiot." Ganon nodded to the Hylian- turned-Gerudo, frowning.
Link made a face.
Zelda rolled her eyes. "Well, let's get this thing started, shall we?"
She clapped her hands, and the floor of the clearing flipped over, revealing a metal floor with a large table in the middle.
"Er, maybe you should have warned us first…" said Saria.
Mido's voice drifted up from beneath the floor. "Hey! Get me out of here"!
"Oops…..oh well." Zelda said, not looking sorry at all. "Don't worry Mido! There's an emergency exit down there I built for just this situation! Just feel around the walls until you find a doorway! Do you understand?" she called.
"Yeah!"
"Well, come on in everyone"
Ganon raised an eyebrow. "In?"
Zelda frowned at him. "You know what I mean"
The sages, Ganondorf, and Link entered the clearing and sat down around the table.
"Now I'm not going to play the fool and pretend it's natural that the sages would want to join my little club. So tell me, why do you hate Link? Starting with you."
She glowered at Saria as she finished. The Kokiri was not intimidated.
"Very well. My reason is simple enough. Long ago I realized that Microsoft is trying to take over the world. I will spare you the details of their plot, but suffice it to say that the world was in mortal danger, and I was the only one who can stop it. I told everything to Link, my best friend, but he didn't believe me. I did everything I could to help him with his quest, but did he help me with mine? NOoooooo-" she paused, looking around at everyone.
Everyone else was fast asleep, snoring.
Saria made a face.
Zelda snorted and
jerked awake. "Huh? Oh, are you finished? Ok, you next
Darunia."
"He stole Mr. Snuggle-tuff!" Darunia said angrily.
Everyone else blinked slowly, their eyebrows all raising questioningly.
"Who, pray tell, is Mr. Snuggle-tuff?" Zelda was the only one brave enough to ask.
"The king of deflate-able puppy dogs!"
Link rolled his/her eyes. "He's a stuffed bunny with a hat."
Zelda looked over at the gerudo. "How do you know?"
Link shuddered slightly. "Trust me, you don't want to know"
Zelda's eyes widened.
Link suddenly remembered his/her current situation, and what he/she looked like. "No, it's not like that!" he/she exclaimed.
"Suuuuuuuure"
Link scowled.
"Next?"
"It's his fault that Ganondorf was able to steal into the sacred realm and cover Hyrule in darkness for seven years!" Rauru said hotly.
"Why should you care? You weren't even in Hyrule those seven years!" Zelda pointed out.
"He disturbed my nap!" the Sage of Light snapped, as if that were reason enough for anything.
Everyone else stared at him.
"Oooookay, uh, next?"
"I have no real hatred for the boy, but I will serve my princess to any end," Impa said sagely.
Link fought back a smirk. He/she knew there weren't enough reasons to hate him/her.
"Although I do find him egotistical, obnoxious, annoying and selfish," she continued.
Link was hard pressed to hold back his/her scowl.
Zelda smirked. "Very well. Next?"
"He is responsible for the defeat and imprisonment of Lord Ganondorf," Link said. He/she was a gerudo now, so he/she figured that would be good enough reason.
Zelda nodded. "All right. Last one."
"Do I really need to tell you all my reasons?" asked Ganon.
Zelda shrugged. "Might as well."
"Ok." he got out a roll of paper about one foot thick, "Here's my list." he droped the scroll in front of Zelda, where it landed on the table with a loud 'thump'.
Link stared at the roll with wide eyes.
Zelda also stared, a sweat drop rolling down her forehead. "Woah."
Mido psychically contacted Ganondorf, "And you hate Zelda MORE? How long would that list be?"
Ganon responded psychically, "My hand would probably fall off before I finished writing it. So who's mind are you prying into to see what's going on?"
"Link, of course. Although everyone is only defending against Zelda."
"True. Lucky no one else is on her side."
Zelda finally seemed to return to herself and continued, "Very well then, some of your reasons are questionable, but I am in need of members."
"Do you even have any other members besides us?" Ganon asked.
"Well there's them." She gestured to a bunch of midgets, who waved.
"….."
"What?"
"…That's it?"
Zelda sighed. "Apparently Link is very well liked in this country"
"Well he did save Hyrule and all."
"Yeah. From you."
Ganon scowled.
Big Jon interrupted them suddenly. "Zelda, there's someone over here who wants to see you in private."
Zelda smiled. "Ah, finally."
With no explanation what so ever, the princess got up and left the clearing.
Ganon shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I don't like this….."
"Me neither" Link agreed, throwing his donut away.
Ganon blinked. "I meant the situation."
"Oh" Link got up and ran after his donut.
"Where'd he get the donut?" Rauru asked.
Saria shrugged.
Suddenly a wall of spikes shot out of the ground, surrounding and imprisoning everyone still at the table.
Saria looked around at the cage. "Oh…so that's what those strange, symmetrical holes in the ground surrounding us were for….."
Ganon stared at her. "You mean you noticed strange, symmetrical holes in the ground surrounding us and you didn't say anything?"
Saria looked down sheepishly. "yeah."
"Yeah, I noticed those too." Darunia said offhand.
Rauru nodded. "I did as well."
Ganon looked around in disbelief. "Am I the only person who didn't notice?"
"Looks like it."
Ganon scowled.
"Don't worry, it's okay if you have poor observational skills," Darunia reassured him with a pat on the shoulder.
"And none of you were even slightly suspicious as to the nature of these holes?" Ganon asked.
"Nope," they responded cheerily.
Ganon slapped his forehead. "I'm surrounded by idiots"
Link chose that moment to run by screaming about evil fruit trees.
"…..and lunatics"
Zelda stepped out from behind a nearby tree, grinning from ear to ear.
"I knew I couldn't trust you all, but as I said I need more members. That's why I isolated the people I considered trustworthy before springing my little trap."
"What about me?" Ganon protested.
"Oh, I just don't like you."
Ganon glared at her.
"Some of you almost fooled me. Like Impa and that strange gerud-"
She stopped suddenly, her eyes frantically searching the area inside the trap.
"Where's Impa? And the gerudo?"
Ganon gave a start. "Impa's missing?" He looked around. Sure enough, the Sheikah was nowhere to be seen.
"It's ok, we know you have poor observational skills," Zelda comforted him mockingly.
Ganon glowered, but said nothing.
Meanwhile…
Link stumbled out from a bunch of bushes, his eyes wide and his limbs trembling as he continued ranting and running. "This is it! Game over man! They'll beat us all to death with their apples and pears and-"
"Link!" Impa snapped, grabbing his arm as he ran past.
"AH! Die you arboreal spy!" he screamed, beating Impa with a donut.
"You can stop now; I think they're out of earshot."
"Phew," he said, dropping the donut.
"Come on. We've got to find Nabooru and Skullkid."
"So we're just going to abandon the others?"
"None of the other sages are of use to us, and we can't trust Ganondorf anyway."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Now how do we find Nabooru and Skullkid?"
"We'll just have to wait for them at the entrance to Termina."
"You sure they'll be able to find it on their own?"
"Just have faith….."
Meanwhile,
Skullkid slumped in defeat. "Alright, I admit it. We're lost."
"Grand."
End Scene.
"I loved that 'I'm surrounded by idiots…and lunatics' line. It almost makes me wish we could have kept that scene." Ganon said.
"Yeah, but I didn't like where it was going." replied the author.
"Not that you had any idea where you wanted to go, anyways." Link pointed out.
The Author scowled. "Shaddup. Next!"
Alternate chapter 15: Plan "B"
"Gasp!"
"It's- !"
"The muffin man!" Skullkid exclaimed.
"What? No!"
"Aww…I wanted a muffin…"
"Grr…It's me, Zelda! You may have escaped my illusions, but I'm not finished yet! Prepare to be foiled by my ingenius plan B!"
"…does it involve giving us muffins?"
"No! Enough with the frickin' muffins already!"
"So…no muffins?"
"No!"
Skullkid sighed dejectedly. "Aw shucks."
Ganon rolled his eyes. "Oh hey, Zelda, mind giving me back my swordfish?"
Zelda blinked. "…swordfish?"
"Yeah. You know, the thing I kept thwacking you with in chapter two?"
"Oh! Oh, the swordfish! Yeah, I uh…I sold it on Ebay. Sorry."
Ganon sighed. All that effort finding the damn princess for nothing. And he'd even had to join up with the blasted heroes! "Oh well. At least I have that deku swordfish."
Mido scratched his head in confusion. "Who on earth would want to buy a swordfish off of Ebay?"
"You'd be surprised…" Impa murmured.
"Yeah. I also sold every one of Link's weapons and items. Got a fair amount for them, too."
Somewhere in Waruto's fortress…
Link suddenly realized all his stuff was gone. "CRAAAAAAAAP!"
Back with the others…
"What was that?" asked Saria.
"It sounded like some far off cry of agony and despair…" Impa remarked.
"Enough of this!" exclaimed the second shadowy figure as it stepped into the light.
Ganon's eyes glowed demonic red as he pointed, "YOU."
"Uh oh…" HMS's eyes widened as he remembered their last encounter.
Ganon wordlessly unsheathed his Deku Swordfish.
"Aw crap." HMS cursed and ran away, Ganon dashing swiftly after him.
Zelda watched them with a raised eyebrow. "…right. Anyways, the time has come for me to reveal all my evil plans to you!"
"Huh? Why would you do that?" Asked a puzzled Mido.
"Well, egotistical villains like her always reveal their plans when they think they've got the upper hand," Saria calmly explained.
"Ah."
Zelda glared at her.
"Continue," Saria prompted.
"Hmph. Very well. Let me start off by telling you that I am not who you think I am."
"Don't tell me. You're really Wazelda, Zelda's evil sister?" ventured Skullkid.
Zelda rolled her eyes. "No. I was indeed once the one you call Zelda, but no more. The death of the water sage has changed me. I am a new woman. I am no longer Zelda."
Mido cocked his head. "Oh…ok. So who are you?"
"I am now the wicked sorceress known as- Agh! Watch where you're going, you idiot!"
The former princess of destiny was quite rudely interrupted as HMS ran by, knocking her off her feet in the process. He did not notice, however, as he was too busy running away from a certain pissed off Gerudo king.
"GYAAAAAAAGH!" HMS was yelling.
"Get back here and take it like a man!" Ganon roared after him.
Mido looked confused. "'Agh watch where you're going you idiot?' What kind of name is that?"
Zelda's eye twitched. "Urg…that's not my-ouch! Damn it Majora!"
HMS had run into Zelda yet again. "If you don't like it, than get this maniac away from me!"
Zelda pondered that for a moment. "Hmm…how about I just get both of you away from me?" She suggested and snapped her fingers.
"AAAAAAAGGH!" HMS and Ganon screamed as they fell through a trap door.
Zelda smiled at the ensuing silence. "Ahh, much better. Now where were we?"
"I believe you were about to tell us how to foil your evil plans," Impa reminded her.
"Ah, yes. Well my evil plan is to capture all three pieces of the triforce and conquer Hyrule with them-"
"Um…Zelda? You already rule Hyrule," Saria interrupted.
Zelda was silent for a moment. Then she just glared at Saria. "Quiet you. Once I have the true force, I will be have the ultimate power to govern all. Hyrule may already be mine, but soon I will own much more than that! With Majora's help, my empire will spread to the far corners of the world!"
"Wait a minute…isn't the world round?" Mido pointed out in a rare moment of intelligence.
Zelda grit her teeth as she growled. "Grr…stop contradicting me!"
Meanwhile, under a certain trap door, two familiar figures were running in circles around a small room.
"For Pete's sake! It's just a frickin' laugh! It's not that important!"
To his surprise, Ganon answered: "You know what? You're right." And stopped running.
HMS also stopped running. "Really?" He asked hopefully.
"No."
'WHACK!'
HMS's mask fell off with the blow. ".…ow."
"There. Was that so bad?" Ganon asked.
"Ung…wah? Huh? Wait…the mask…it fell off…I…I'm free! Free! FREE! Yeewheeheehee!"
Ganon blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Um…ok…"
"I see you are confused. This mask, you see, it is called Majora's mask. It is a very evil mask that grants its wearer strange, mystical powers…at the price of one's free will."
"I see."
"It was used by an ancient tribe as part of their hexing rituals, but eventually it caused such great catastrophe that they sealed it in shadow forever, preventing its misuse. I went to great lengths to get this mask…"
Ganon stared at him like he was nuts. Which he was, but that's beside the point. "What the hell would you want with an evil mask that robs you of your free will?"
"But it's…it's purple! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a purple mask nowadays?"
Ganon stared. And stared. And stared. There was a long pause.
"…What?" HMS asked finally.
"…nothing."
"Will one of you cretins kindly pick me up off the floor! I'm getting dirt in my eyes!" snapped the mask itself, Majora.
Ganon's eyes widened. The thing could talk, too!
"Oh, sorry," HMS said apologetically as he picked up Majora.
"…did that mask…just…talk?" Ganon stammered, still unable to believe it. Why on earth he was so surprised, considering the things he had seen, is a mystery for the ages.
"Why yes it did," HMS answered calmly, as if it were perfectly normal.
"………"
Majora suddenly began shouting, "Hey Zelda! Zelda, help! I fell off the mask salesman!"
The princess-turned-evil's voice shouted back from above, "Do you mind? I've got problems of my own to deal with right now!"
HMS blinked. "Huh? Was that Zelda?"
"Yes. She's evil now, you know."
"Oh, right. Yeah about that…I know how to make her sane again."
"Huh! You do? How?" Ganon demanded.
"With the Song of Healing, of course! Here, let me teach it to you." HMS responded cheerfully as he pulled a giant organ out of no where.
Ganon stared.
HMS ignored his stare and played the song of healing. "There. Now repeat it back to me."
"Um…I don't have an instrument."
"Can you play the organ?"
"Move aside!" Ganon commanded as he bumped HMS off the bench. He then proceeded to play the Song of Healing perfectly.
"Good. Just play that to her on the ocarina of time, and she'll be all right again in the upstairs."
"Um…on the ocarina of time you say?"
"Mm-hmm. Why, is that a problem?"
"Er…well, Zelda kind of sold all Link's items on E-bay."
"Oh dear. That's…not good."
"No kidding. Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
"When I first met you, you were a complete psychopath, but now you're…relatively sane. How'd that happen?"
"Medication. Lots and lots of medication."
"Ah."
And now, back on the high grounds…
"Enough! I'll not let you insult me any longer! Prepare to face the wrath of…plan B!" Zelda roared in a most un-princess like manner.
Pause.
Zelda frowned, than repeated herself in a louder voice. "Ahem…I SAID, PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF PLAN B!"
Nothing happened.
"That was your cue, you numbskulls! Turn it on!"
"We did! It's not working!" whined a voice from the shadows.
"What? What do you mean it's not working?!"
"Um…not operating, unable to function, not running-"
"Well what the hell is wrong with it?"
"…it doesn't have any fuel!"
Zelda blinked. "…do we even have any fuel?"
"Hang on, I'll check…..nope."
"DAMMIT! Now I have to find something else to sell so I can get enough money for fuel! Curse it all!"
"Hey, you're the princess of Hyrule aren't you? Don't you have some vast fortune stored away somewhere?" Skullkid asked.
"No, my dad spent it all."
"Really? What on?" Curious Saria queried curiously.
"Two words: binge drinking."
"Wow," said Mido.
"So THAT'S why he was so fat!" exclaimed Saria.
Zelda made a face.
"Oops…I uh…didn't mean any disrespect or anything…it just kinda came out…"
"You know what? Screw plan B. I'll kill you all with my bare hands!"
"Like hell you will!" exclaimed a suddenly appearing Ganon as he knocked her out with the swordfish.
'WHACK'
Skullkid blinked in surprise. "Hey, when'd you get back up here?"
"Couple minutes ago. We just climbed up the happy mask salesman's organ."
Saria raised an eyebrow. "Organ…?"
"Don't ask. Anyway, this guy says he knows a way to make princess copycat here sane again," Ganon said, indicating HMS, who bowed.
Skullkid brightened. "Cool."
"But we'll need the ocarina of time."
Skullkid slumped. "…crap."
"Is there any way to look up who bought Link's stuff through E-bay?" asked Saria.
"Well there's a letter here thanking Zelda for the authentic Zelda gear. Think that's it?" wondered Mido.
"What the- ? How'd you find that?" Saria asked.
"Um…"
"…you were looking through her mail, weren't you?" Ganon accused him.
"What can I say? It's a bad habit!"
"More like an obsession…" Skullkid muttered, "well, what's the return address?
"Supe R. Nurd, 427 Obscure lane, KO Hyrule 38473"
"Well what're we waiting for? Let's go!" Saria exclaimed excitedly.
"One moment. We cannot simply leave Zelda here unguarded. Some one must stay here," Impa pointed out.
Ganon looked around at the group. "…what? What are you all looking at me for?"
"Hey man, you're the only guy here who knows anything about keeping prisoners," Mido pointed out.
Ganon folded his arms across his chest stubbornly. "Well I'm not doing it. Nope. No way."
"Mrowr!" Nab mewed, insistently pawing at Saria's leg.
"Hmm? What is it Nabooru?"
The gerudo-turned-persian promptly ran off, only to return carrying a large block of wood. She began scratching words into the wood, which Saria read aloud.
"Ganon's weakness equals gambling problem."
Skullkid grinned over at Ganon, "Oh, you have a gambling problem?"
Ganon fidgeted uncomfortably. " …yeah…"
Saria grinned evilly. "Heh heh…alright, I bet you twenty rupees you won't stay behind and guard Zelda while we go retrieve the ocarina of time."
"….."
"Well? Wanna shake on it?" she extended her hand to him.
"…damn you Nabooru." Ganon cursed as he shook Saria's hand, "If I have to stay here, then someone has to stay with me. There's no way I'm going to be stuck here alone with princess lunatic. She'll drive me crazy!"
"Nabooru can stay. She can't really help us anyway, in her current form."
Nab glared at Saria.
"I, too, will stay," HMS volunteered.
"It is settled, then. Forsooth, let us hearken to Obscure street!" Impa exclaimed, striking a heroic pose.
And thus they hearkened.
End Scene.
"I liked that scene. Why didn't we have it in?" asked HMS.
"Eh, I just didn't like where it was going." The author responded.
"What was plan B, anyway?" Link asked.
"Some sort of monster robot."
"…you do realize we're in a medieval time setting?"
"Didn't stop her from mentioning Microsoft" Saria pointed out.
"Next!" commanded the Author.
These are just random jokes I planned to fit into chapter 17 somewhere, but was never able to. Enjoy!
"I'm the ghooooost of Phantom Ganon!"
"Wait…how can there be a ghost of a ghost?"
"uh…"
And the next one…
Ganondorf!" Zelda cried in surprise.
"What? No! I'm Ganondwarf!"
"Huh?"
"A-ha! There you are!" Another man who looked exactly like Ganondorf raced into the room. "I've been looking all over for you!"
"Ganondorf…?" Zelda ventured uncertainly.
"Close. Name's Sanondorf."
"Sanondorf…Ganondwarf…Mido…where the hell is the real king of evil!"
"King of Evil? Where!" a mysterious new voice came seemingly from nowhere.
At that, no less than three Link look-a-likes popped out of nowhere.
"A-ha! There they are!" exclaimed one of them triumphantly, pointing his sword at the Ganondorf clones.
Zelda stared around at them all, dumbfounded.
"Who the hell are you people!" she exclaimed.
"What ho?"
"A damsel in distress!"
"How rude of us not to introduce ourselves!"
The three Links bowed to her.
"I'm Rink!"
"I'm Chink!"
"And I'm Shink!"
"And we're the Sailor Scou- I mean, Tri-Heroes!"
"Wait…it there's three of you, shouldn't there be three of them?" Zelda asked, gesturing to Sanondorf and Ganondwarf.
At this, yet another Ganondorf clone ran into the room.
"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late!"
Sanondorf groaned while Ganondwarf rolled his eyes.
"Took you long enough!"
"And who are you? Banondorf? Or maybe Ganondalf?"
"Oh hi, I'm that Ganondork you're always hearing about."
"…your name is really Ganondork?" Zelda asked incredulously, fighting hard to hold back a smile.
"Yup. Why- is there something wrong with your mouth?" he asked concernedly, for Zelda was covering her mouth in an attempt to hide her smile and stifle her laughter.
"I'm sorry, it's just…" she snickered. "G-Ganon…dork…buahahahaha!" needless to say, she couldn't take it anymore and fell to the floor laughing. Ganondork watched her in confusion.
"What's so funny?" he asked his counterparts. They shrugged in bewilderment.
End…whatever that was, but I'm pretty sure it's not a scene. Anyway.
"Well that was…random." Link mumured.
"Shaddup. Next!"
Alternate chapter 19: Return of the King
"Quick! Get her, before she teleports to safety using Farore's Wind!" Rauru exclaimed.
"Oh great- you just told her how to escape, you moron!" Dark yelled.
And Zelda, indeed, cast Farore's wind and vanished from view.
"Aw crap, now she'll be running around terrorizing the countryside," Link moaned.
"Quickly! We must inform the king of Hyrule of this danger!" Impa announced.
"Um…isn't that me?" Ganon pointed out.
"Oh…yeah…well then…" Impa saluted him, "Sir! Princess Zelda has gone insane and is terrorizing the countryside!"
Ganon stared at her. "Uh…I know…I mean, I was here the entire time, you know."
"I know, but I had to inform you formally"
"…right then. Suggestions for catching the psychotic princess?"
"Sir, I think we should put the citizens of Hyrule on alert. Then they can contact us if they spot the princess," Impa suggested.
"Yeah! We could set up a hotline or something!" Skullkid exclaimed.
Ganon stared at Impa. "Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?"
"Well…you're the king. And it's my duty to serve the royal family. So…"
"Oh wait, I forgot to tell you guys, but I reinstated Zelda's father as King as soon as Ganondorf was locked in the sacred realm." said Rauru.
"Oh."
"Alright then…off to Hyrule Castle!" Link exclaimed, striking a heroic pose.
"All of us?" asked Waruto, who wasn't exactly sure what was going on.
"…nah, I think Ganon, Link, the sages and I ought to be sufficient to deal with the princess," reasoned Dark.
"Oh, ok. Have fun!"
The sages and Ganon rolled their eyes and warped away (except Darunia, who was still running around screaming about evil deku scrubs). Link put his ocarina to his lips and was about to play the prelude of light when suddenly Dark exclaimed
"Wait a minute! How am I supposed to get there?"
"Oh, um…do you have an ocarina?"
"No."
"Ok…here, you can have my old fairy ocarina. Just listen to what I play and copy it note for note."
"Er…Link, I don't know how to play an ocarina."
"Just put it to your lips and blow, stupid! It's not that hard. Now then…"
'dee doo, dee doo da dee…'
"Go on, repeat it now."
"Er…"
'Shree-squeak!-ee! Shrooo! Squeak! Shroo! Squeeeeak! Shreee!'
"……"
"Did I get it right?"
"…you know what? Why don't you just go on foot."
And with that, Link played the song and warped away in a ball of yellow light.
"Geeze, was I that bad?"
Meanwhile, at the temple of time…
Link appeared in a column of yellow sparks-
"Oooh! Shiny shiny shiny!"
Not again…hey, security! Get the author out of there!
"Noooo! Don't take away the shiny! Shiiiiiinyyyyy!" the author screamed as the security team dragged her away.
"Wow. When did you guys get a security team?"
Directly after we learned Zelda was going to go insane.
"Ah."
And thus, our heroic hero- damn that was redundant- exited the temple of time and entered the ruined market. There he found Ganon and the sages waiting, some of whom were conversing with the redeads.
"………."
"………."
"……….?"
"………."
"……….!"
"………."
…sort of.
"Alright, so where's the king?" Link asked.
"In the castle, of course." Rauru said, gesturing to where Ganon's tower had formerly stood. Only now, somehow, the old Hyrule castle had mysteriously reappeared.
Link stared at it. "Woah. They sure rebuilt that fast."
"Yeah. Those Extreme Makeover Castle Edition guys really know what they're doing."
"Alright, so…are we actually going to go in, or just stand here and stare at it all day?" snapped Ganon, who was a little grumpy to find that the ruins of his castle had been cleaned up so quickly.
"Ok ok, we're going in already," Saria said with a roll of her eyes.
"Hey Impa, come on!"
"………"
"Stop talking with the redeads and get over here!"
"…very well."
And in they went. Ganon paused when he saw all the guards roaming the corridors.
"Um…are you sure it's a good idea for us to just waltz right in like this? Especially considering…you know, who I am and everything?"
Link rolled his eyes. "Relax, Gan. These idiots wouldn't notice an intruder if it went up and bit them."
To test the theory, Nab slunk up to one of the guards and bit him. The guard cocked his head, but did not cry out or look down. Instead he said to his partner across the hall: "…I say, Phil, I'm suddenly experiencing stabbing pains in my leg."
"Oh bugger, mate. Perhaps you should look down and see why."
"Nah, it's probably nothing. Takes too much energy to look down anyway."
"Indeed."
"….ok…that was perhaps the most pathetic display I've ever seen." Ganon admitted.
"Yeah. You really didn't have to pretend to be an ambassador in order to get into the castle. You could have just walked in."
"……."
"So, where's the king?" Saria asked
"If this is anything like the old castle, he should be this way." Impa replied, leading them down the hallway. They continued through the castle without incident (one of the guards ran into Rauru, but still failed to notice him) and entered the King's chambers. The King was a fat man who looked like a somewhat younger version of Rauru. His hair and beard were brown flecked with gray, and his eyes were a dull blue.
"Oh hello." He said when he saw them. He looked over the mismatched group brightly, as if it was perfectly normal for a group of complete strangers to burst into his room. He paused when he caught sight of Ganondorf, leaning forward and peering at the evil king closely. "Say…aren't you that chap who seized my throne and turned my country into a wasteland full of monsters?"
"Er…" Ganon looked around shifty eyed, not quite sure what to do. "No?"
"Oh. Alright then. My mistake. What business brings yon party of adventurers to my presence?"
The sages and Link exchanged glances while Ganon stood there blinking, unable to believe how easily he had avoided discovery.
"Well uh, your highness…sir…um…see, we've come to report a…uh…problem." Link began uncertainly.
"Oh, you mean like a math problem? I hate math. It's so complicated. Two plus two equals four…honestly, what's that supposed to mean? What is a two?"
The entire company sweat dropped as they stared at the king.
"Um…no, not quite that sort of problem." Ganon explained. "it's more like a…a threat, to the safety of your country."
"…and that's a problem?"
"Isn't it?"
"Well I don't know. Does it affect me?"
"Well…no…not really…"
"Then what's the problem, then?"
Ganondorf stared at the man. Then he leaned over and whispered in Impa's ear, "How did this idiot get to be king?"
"Lot drawing."
"……."
"Wait, is this a matter of state?"
"Um…I guess so…"
"Then my wife should handle it. She takes care of all the matters of state. Oh Gloria!"
Ganondorf visibly stiffened at his words, then seemed to wilt somewhat as he muttered "Oh Goddessess no, not the queen…"
Saria looked up at him, puzzled. "What's wrong with the queen?" she asked.
"Er…she sort of has a uh…thing…for me…" he said miserably. Impa snickered into her hand, earning a heated glare from the gerudo.
"Ganondorf!" A shrill, feminine voice rang suddenly from beyond the doorway. Ganon visibly winced at the sound of it. Link and the sages (except Impa, who was used to this) watched in amazement as a regally dressed woman strode into the room, her skirts trailing magnificently behind her. Her long blonde hair was done up into a bun at the base of her neck, her bangs trailing delicately in front of her piercing blue eyes. She walked right up to Ganon and took him by the arm, her face beaming with delight.
"Why, I haven't seen you since you forced my husband from the throne. How are you? Will you be staying long?"
"Er…I...uh..."
"Excellent! Why don't you come walk with me in the gardens and you can tell me what you've been doing all this time." She blathered on, turning to lead him towards the door.
"B-but…your majesty, we have business to dis-"
"Oh there's always some sort of business! We can talk about that later," she said dismissively, pulling him along despite his weak protests.
Ganon turned and mouthed "help me" to the group, and it was Saria who took action.
"Your highness, this is very important! It's about your daughter!"
The queen stopped and seemed to slump somewhat as she turned to face the forest sage.
"Oh dear…what has the little vagabond done now?"
"…vagabond…?" Link questioned under his breath.
"Er…well, she's just sort of gone crazy and is um…kind of rampaging about the countryside…"
"Oh is that all? Well I don't think there's much of a problem then. Now about that walk…" she turned, grinning, to the man she still held captive by the arm. Ganon swallowed nervously.
"I-it is a problem! Don't you understand, she has the Triforce of wisdom and she's a sage! She could cause a lot of trouble!" Saria insisted.
"Oh please, what harm could Zelda possibly do? She's just a little girl!"
At that moment, a guard burst into the room.
"Your highness! Princess Zelda has cursed all the T.V.s so they show nothing but Barney and Teletubbies!
"…CURSE YOU ZELDA!"
The queen roared, shaking her fists at the ceiling. Everyone stared at her as she stood there seething, her eyes narrow pinpoints of rage. With a resigned sigh she turned back and looked over the group.
"All right, all right, fine we'll talk. Come along to the drawing room so we can discuss things properly."
She led them through the doors and into a lavish room filled with beautiful couches and ornate windows.
"Why was she so anxious to get him alone?" Saria asked in a hushed whisper as they filtered into the room.
Link heaved a sigh and placed a hand on the little kokiri's shoulder. "Ahh, Saria. So young. So naïve."
"What? What am I missing?"
Impa rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious? She just wants him alone so she can…um…"
Saria furrowed her brow. "So she can what?"
"Er…"
"Uh…"
Link and Impa exchanged glances. "Where's Skullkid when you need him?"
Once they were all settled, the queen plopped down next to Ganondorf and idly examined her fingernails.
"So what were you thinking we should do about my psychotic misfit of a daughter?"
"Well, first we were thinking of informing the citizens of Hyrule…so they could keep an eye out, you know," Saria explained.
The queen looked mortified at the thought. "What! Tell them the truth about my disgrace of a daughter? Are you mad? Imagine the scandal! Oh I can see the headlines now…"
"Headlines? But…Hyrule doesn't have a newspaper…"
"They must not find out. We must catch her before anyone sees her," the Queen continued, ignoring the forest sage.
"And how exactly do you plan to do that?" Ganon asked.
"Hey wait a second…Zelda was after the truforce before she went ins- er, before I played the song of healing, right? So isn't it logical that she'd still be after it now?" Link pointed out.
"So…what, are you suggesting we use ourselves as bait for some sort of trap?" Ganon asked incredulously.
"Sounds like a good idea to me," the queen said, "Call the royal cage makers!"
One of the accompanying attendants bowed and left the room. Ganon blinked in confusion.
"Royal cage makers? Why on earth do you use cages for?"
"Oh…I'll have to show you sometime…" she said with a smile that made Ganon instantly decide he definitely did not want an answer to his question.
And thus a few hours later (those royal cage makers work even faster than the Extreme Makeovers Castle Edition crew) found the figures of Ganon and Link sitting in plain view out in the middle of Hyrule Field.
"I can't believe I'm doing this."
"My feet hurt."
"Where's the cage anyway? I can't see it…"
"That's the point, isn't it? I mean, Zelda wouldn't come if she could see that it was a trap. …I think…"
A sudden bout of evil cackling cut their conversation short. Zelda appeared in a whirl of green sparks, her eyes gleaming maniacally.
"Well well well,
if I couldn't tell,
It's Ganon and Link
hanging out by the sink."
"Oh great, now she's rhyming. And badly, at that."
"Sink? I don't see any sink. What's she talking about?"
"Dude, she's insane. She's probably hallucinating about sinks right now."
As a matter of fact, Zelda was not hallucinating about sinks. She was hallucinating about cows. They were everywhere, dancing and mooing and giving people umbrellas and straight jackets…she liked cows. Cows were so happy. She wished she was a cow. Maybe she'd use the Triforce to turn herself into one. Moo.
"I've been searching for you
and your Triforces too
now I've got you where I want you
and I'll have you before you can say 'moo'."
"On the contrary princess, it is we who have you!" Ganon's voice rang out loud and clear, followed by a loud 'snap' sound and the sound of something large heavy and metal hitting the ground.
Zelda cocked her head in confusion.
"What was that?
It's not Jack sprat.
I feel confused
I think I've been used."
End Scene.
"…wow, that really fell apart at the end didn't it?" Link remarked.
"Yeah, hence my not using it."
"I'm glad. I hated that scene," Ganon said
"I'll bet you hated the next one even more!" the Author cackled.
"What? Oh no- not the alternate- !"
"Yes. Muahaha."
"Oh dear…" Zelda moaned.
Yes, the alternate alternate chapter 19! Actually, this is a scene that would have taken place within the alternate 19, directly after the Queen is told about her daughter.
"Come now, let us go discuss what to do about the princess."
And before Ganon could protest, the queen yanked him out the door and slammed it behind her. Saria stared after them, blinking heavily in confusion.
"Um…shouldn't we all be discussing that together?"
Link heaved a sigh and placed a hand on the little kokiri's shoulder. "Ahh, Saria. So young. So naïve."
"What? What am I missing?"
Impa rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious? She just wants him alone so she can…um…"
Saria furrowed her brow. "So she can what?"
"Er…"
"Uh…"
Link and Impa exchanged glances. "Where's Skullkid when you need him?"
Meanwhile, in the castle gardens…
Ganondorf had never felt more uncomfortable in his entire life. He'd sat down on a bench to rest, and the queen had sat down next to him…just a liiiiiittle too close for comfort. So he'd scooted down a bit. But then she scooted closer. Again, he'd scooted away, and again, she'd scooted closer. This had continued until Ganon had run out of bench, and now he found himself trapped. Oblivious to his discomfort, the queen leaned up against him, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously.
"So Ganondorf…how are things at the gerudo fortress? Have any girlfriends…?"
"I- er uh….n-no…no I don't…" Ganon stuttered, then instantly berated himself inwardly for answering truthfully. If he'd told her he'd had a girlfriend, maybe she'd have left him alone…no, not likely actually. Having a husband certainly hadn't deterred her, so him having a girlfriend probably wouldn't either. Still, when he saw that gleam ignite in her eyes he knew he'd given the wrong answer.
"Reeeeally? A handsome man like you, still on the market? How is that?" she cooed, running her finger down his jaw line at the word "handsome".
He blushed profusely (an odd sight, considering who he was and all) and stammered out a response.
"U-uh I…um…well…I am…the King of Evil… you know…"
"Oh yes…yes that's right…I suppose most women can't…handle that…?"
"Er…sh-shouldn't we be talking about the princess?"
End Scene
Most of the characters by then were doubling up with silent laughter while a vein ticked visibly in Ganon's forehead.
"I really, really, hate that scene." he snapped.
"Me too." Zelda agreed.
"Why? You're not even in it!" Skullkid pointed out.
"Yeah, but, come on. My mother hitting on Ganondorf? It's really kind of disturbing," she said with a shudder.
"Hmm…good point."
"Plus Ganondorf ends up acting really out of character. I thought it was funny at the time, but in later revisions...well...I realized it's just painful," bemoaned the author.
"So, is that it?" asked Saria.
"For the deleted scenes, it is. We still have to do bloopers!" The author reminded her.
"And the epilogue," Ganon nodded.
"Right. So…Ganon, would you mind?"
"Hey, you said that the last chapter would be the last time I'd have to do it!"
"Oh, fine! Grievous!" The author called. The cyborg scrambled on stage, his armor splashed with several red stains which the rest of the characters eyed dubiously.
"Review, or else you're doomed…" he hissed, his reptilian eyes narrowing just like in the movie.
"Dude, that guy is just plain creepy." Link said with a shudder.
The Author grinned. "Pweeeese?" she added, turning out the puppy dog eyes on the readers.
"Not as creepy as that." Ganon pointed out. Everyone else nodded in agreement, and the chapter-that's-not-quite-a-chapter ended.