Chapter Two

"So the next time I saw you…"

"Well, other than in the car when you were driving away-"

"You remember that?" Ryan interrupted, startled. He hadn't thought he'd made enough of an impression on her at that point for her to keep such a small moment in her memory.

"Of course!" Marissa said, surprised he'd ask. "It was stupid, but I was so upset when I saw you leaving. I'd planned to find you again when I could come off a little more dignified and thank you. Then I saw you were leaving and I thought I'd never see you again. It shook me," Marissa admitted. "It made me sad. The thought stayed with me all day."

Ryan found himself suddenly glad they were having this conversation. It was nice to know she'd thought about him from the beginning as much as he'd thought about her. "So other than that…" he began, moving on. "I guess the next time we saw each other was in the driveway again."

Marissa remembered it vividly; her feelings of shock and…happiness to see him standing there when she'd thought he was gone forever. "I was happy to see you," she smiled a little. "It felt a little like a dream."

"Until I hassled you?" Ryan teased wryly, a little weirded out at being referred to as 'like a dream'.

"Even then." Marissa's words surprised him and he looked at her, startled. She shrugged. "I was basically screaming for help in the only way I knew how…and no one ever noticed. Not until you."

Ryan mulled over her words. "You blew me off about it," he pointed out.

Marissa sighed. "I don't think I was quite ready to FACE it yet, but I always appreciated you caring in the back of my mind. Besides, Seth came up right then in his oh-so-stealth moves-" Ryan snorted "-and you challenged me to come with you guys."

"Hey!" Ryan protested. "When did I do that?"

"Oh, COME ON." Marissa shoved him playfully. "Your little comment about the Newport social scene, the way you raised your eyebrows at me? It was totally a challenge!"

"Well…okay, yeah," Ryan admitted, grinning a little. "I guess it was. But I was still surprised when you came."

Marissa smiled, her mind traveling back to that time with him in the model home. "I had more fun with you and Seth those couple days than I had in years," she admitted. "Talking to you about things I never talked about, having you talk to me the same way, hunting down stuff to bring to you…I felt so free. I felt like I could just be me for the first time."

Ryan remembered those early days, remembered how entranced he'd been by this incredibly beautiful girl who suddenly proved she was much more than simply beautiful. Remembered how touched he'd been that she cared. "I was glad you kept coming back, even if I would have never said it back then," he smiled faintly. "It meant a lot that you cared what happened to me. And you were fun. I didn't expect that. I never knew what you were going to do or say next, and I loved that. I loved when you did things like make me a CD or get on the back of my bike."

"I never wanted that to end," Marissa said quietly. "I was so sad when I thought you were going to Texas. I wanted you to stay somewhere where I could see you. I didn't want to lose that feeling of freedom. But you seemed determined to leave and I couldn't just let you go without doing anything…so I came to you that night."

Even as she said the words, a kaleidoscope of memories cascaded through her mind. Her wariness about taking the plunge into something new with Ryan…her decision that she couldn't simply let him leave…her hopefulness when she showed up…the pain and humiliation when he turned her away.

"I wanted you to stay," Ryan said quietly, lifting a hand to stroke through her hair as if in apology. "God, I wanted you so badly. I can't tell you how much it meant to me that you came that night."

"But you still told me to leave." Marissa's voice was so soft it was almost a whisper. She was almost afraid to raise it; she was surprised at how fresh the pain of that memory still was. "I would have slept with you that night. REALLY slept with you, no matter what I said later. But you told me to leave."

Ryan winced. It had been the first time he'd really hurt her, and he still remembered being taken aback at how hurting her hurt HIM so much. The first taste of what was to come: when she hurt, so did he. "All I can say is I didn't want to use you. I didn't want you to be just some girl. And I knew if you stayed, I'd never leave."

Marissa simply nodded. She understood his reasoning, even with how much it had hurt her. "So I ran off," she sighed. "And I didn't speak up when you were arrested or come see you when you were in jail. I didn't think you wanted me there."

"I did and I didn't at the same time," Ryan admitted. "I always want to see you, no matter what I might say. But I'm glad you didn't see me like that."

Marissa sighed, once again aching for that boy in prison who didn't think he deserved anyone caring about him. "It wouldn't have changed how I felt about you," she said simply, and hoped that would be enough. Ryan's arms tightened around her and she smiled a little, knowing it was even harder for him than for her to say things out loud. "And then you got out," she continued. "But you pushed me to Luke, and I went even though I shouldn't have because it was easy and safe. It was never the same; I wanted to be with you all the time."

"So did I," Ryan confessed. "I just thought it was better like that, thought you'd be happier like that. Because I was leaving, and I couldn't give you any promises. And then, all of the sudden, I was staying. For good. And one of the first things I thought after I started getting settled in with the Cohens was that changed all the rules with you. So then came…"

"Our debut," Marissa finished for him.