Chapter Three

Little disclaimer: I do have Ryan internalize his thoughts a little more than Marissa up to now. I try to show what he's thinking, but Ryan is naturally somewhat more defensive than Marissa, so it's going to be a bit of a slow process for him to say what he feels, even as much as she does. I just don't want Ryan to be TOO out of character here.

"So then came…our debut."

"When I found out you were staying in town, I was feeling a million things at once," Marissa remembered. "More than anything, I was happy for you. I knew you'd get at least something close to the life you deserved, more than you would if you went back to Chino or with your mother or something. And I was happy for me, too, as confusing as it was. Selfishly, I wanted to see you every day, even if it hurt. Most of all, I regretted getting back together with Luke so quickly when I knew in some way that what I felt for you meant so much more."

Ryan shook his head, glad he had her in his arms as he thought back to those early days when even touching her seemed so out of range, so forbidden. "I was kicking myself for pushing you away so hard at that point. I mean, part of me still thought you were better off away from me, but that part wasn't as loud anymore when I was there to stay."

Marissa giggled. "I had my first real experience with jealousy over you around that time." Ryan stared at her blankly and she elaborated. "Summer outlined her plan of how she was going to seduce you to me. It pissed me off." She dissolved into a fit of laughter as Ryan looked utterly mortified.

"Uh, that's one of those things you can feel free to gloss right over," Ryan muttered, making her laugh all the harder. The last thing he needed to hear about was how his best friend's girl once planned to seduce him. "You know, I was planning on canceling on you for cotillion when I came to your house," he brought up, eager to change the subject.

"What?" Marissa protested, shoving him as her giggles faded. "Ryan!"

"You're gonna hassle me about that before we get to how I actually cancelled on Anna?" Ryan laughed. Marissa rolled her eyes at him and settled back into the crook of his arm with a 'hrmph'. "But yeah, I was convinced I was going to somehow start a fight, so I decided I wasn't going. Then you opened your door." That memory was still crystal clear in Ryan's mind; the wave of desire and longing that hit him like a fist in the gut when he first saw her in the gown, the way his hands were shaking slightly as his skin brushed against hers. "Oh man," he had to laugh now. "I don't think I've ever wanted anything so badly in my life as I wanted you in that doorway, or later on when we danced. I totally forgot what I was there for; I had to see more."

Marissa smiled against his chest at the description. The way he looked at her was addictive, and that had been the first time it hit her full force. No one had ever looked at her like she was so precious, so beautiful, so desired for who she was, not just how she looked. She'd almost fallen head first into it when they danced, and on some subconscious level, she'd known even back then she wouldn't be able to give it up. "I loved the way you made me feel back then," she said simply aloud. "I wanted to be around you all the time. I was SO happy to see you at that party."

"You surprised me that night!" Ryan commented. "I didn't expect you to be so determined to talk to me, or stand up to Luke like you did. I was trying so hard to stay out of trouble for the Cohens, but you tossed Luke's attitude right back in his face and I wanted to laugh SO hard. Then he started ordering you around and I got pissed off."

"Oh God, that was embarrassing," Marissa groaned. "I was surprised when you stood up for me, mainly because no one else ever had. And then Luke hit you for it. I wanted to sink into the floor. I still can't believe I ever considered a relationship with him after that."
Ryan inwardly grinned at the anger in her voice as she talked about Luke hitting him. He wondered if she was aware how protective she'd become over the years. "So that was when I definitely decided I wasn't going to Cotillion," he said aloud. "It just wasn't worth the possible disaster. Not until you showed up at the door, anyway."

"Something was just drawing me to you that night," Marissa remembered. "For some reason, I knew I could handle the event if you and I walked in together. So I swallowed my pride and asked you to come." She smiled, something faintly self deprecating in the expression. "The truth is, I knew Luke would probably flip out and I didn't care. Maybe I even wanted him to on some level. I couldn't seem to end it myself; maybe I could get him to."

Ryan chuckled. "I won't lie; I was mainly glad when he stormed off. Gave me the perfect opening."

Marissa laughed, the memory of realizing Ryan would be her Cotillion date after all still having a faintly giddy note to it. "When you asked me…everything just felt perfect in that moment, you know? It would have been wrong to do that with Luke. I wouldn't have been happy; I would have thought about you the whole time. When we walked off that stage together, I thought everything was going better than I could have hoped for. When we were dancing, I felt like I was floating."

"Even with my dancing?" Ryan asked skeptically.

Marissa giggled a little. "Even then," she said, pushing him playfully. "I thought it was cute! It made you more….real somehow. And I loved that you danced with me even though you hated it."

"I didn't hate it with you," Ryan admitted a little bashfully. "I was actually having a good time; I felt like things in Newport might really work."

"And then my dad shot it all to hell," Marissa sighed. "Though you know, looking back? That's hardly the worst thing that could have happened. There are worse things in the world than what happened that night."

Ryan frowned, the resigned tone in her voice making him inexplicably saddened. She was right, of course. Still, he remembered how he'd wanted to shield her from that truth that night. Some job he'd done. Marissa had certainly grown up, but at a heavy price.

"It was sweet when you gave me your jacket, though," Marissa was saying, pulling Ryan out of even darker thoughts. "I appreciated it. Then Luke came along AGAIN." She sighed. "I should have told him to go to hell and left with you."

"Hey, I was just happy you didn't leave with him," Ryan shrugged. "My opening was still there, and in that moment, I decided to take it. So the next time I saw you, I asked you out- and you shot me down." He tickled her side playfully.

"Hey!" Marissa protested, even as she giggled and squirmed. "In my defense, I was really going into emotional mess territory at that point. I didn't even know what I was saying. I spent the next 24 hours wishing I'd said yes."

"Well, lucky for you I swallowed my pride and gave you another chance," Ryan teased.

"And then you blew it," Marissa shot back.

"And then I blew it," Ryan conceded, taking his lickings where they were due. "I was afraid you'd never speak to me again after I stood you up. Unintentional as it was."

Marissa laughed. "It's not such a big deal now, especially since I know Seth better. And he DID do his own version of groveling."

"The one time he interfered that I appreciated," Ryan said wryly. "Whatever the case, I finally got my date with you."

The memories that flashed through Marissa's head of that night were achingly bittersweet. Coming up to see Ryan so carefully making sure her sandwich was perfect- no guy had every done anything like that for her before- sharing the meal in that atmosphere that has such a perfect mix of anticipation and awkwardness, something that can only work in the very early days of a relationship. "I had such a good time that night," she said softly. "Even with all my family crap. I was so…taken by your kindness and your concern, the way nothing seemed to matter to you but how I was doing. I didn't even know how to respond to it, but it meant so much to me." She poked him playfully to lighten things up. "And it was made all the better by you wet in the pool."

Ryan burst out laughing. "That was definitely the highlight of MY evening," he teased, still remembering how frustrated he'd been later on. "I wanted to throw the phone out the damn window that night," he sighed.

Marissa moaned in commiseration. "I was right there with you. If I had kissed you that night…" she trailed off, but the meaning was clear. If I had kissed you, I wouldn't have been able to turn away for a second. If we had just kissed, maybe it would have stopped what's coming next.

Ryan flinched. They were coming up on the first time she had truly hurt him, which had started a spiral of lashing out at each other that ended in disaster. More than anything they'd talked about yet, he was wary of going down this road. And they were just getting started.