Disclaimer: I'm guessing about the I love you situation, I know. But I can't see him growing up in a household that had either serious or normal expressions of love, and he did say he'd never said the words before.

Chapter Nine

"Not considering that next comes Christmas."

Ryan stayed quiet for a moment, struggling to collect his thoughts. He knew they hadn't talked about this enough for the first time, knew it was both of their faults they'd let it slide. Marissa had gotten the help he'd asked her to get and she hadn't drank for months after that, so he'd let it go because it was easier that way. They'd both let a lot of things go because it was easier. Now they were paying the price, and they had to find a way out of this mess.

"Why did you steal stuff that day?" Ryan blurted out. She flinched at the abruptness of the question, but he couldn't stop himself from going on. "I mean…I thought we were having a good time. I thought we were happy." He honestly had; they'd had more fun in the mall that day than they'd had in a long time. Laughing, kissing, playing around…it had felt to Ryan like they were such a normal couple and he'd relished the feeling- until it came crashing down when it was revealed Marissa had been shoplifting.

Marissa sighed heavily. She hadn't entirely sorted out her own feelings during that time, so she knew it was going to be difficult to explain them. "You did make me happy," she responded carefully. "But you were the ONLY thing making me happy for any period of time whatsoever. My home life was a mess. No matter what I said to Luke when everything with his father went down, my faith in my dad had basically been shattered- which speaks to my relationship with my mother if I preferred living with him. My sister and I had become strangers. I'd lost more than half my friends and people were still constantly talking about me because of TJ. I didn't have any money, which I realize sounds ridiculous but I was spoiled." She grinned wryly in a somewhat self deprecating fashion. "Really, I'm still spoiled. That was never so clear as it was when I was living on my own. It's a stupid thing to be upset about, but I'd always had more money than I knew what to do with and I wasn't used to having money problems. It's just…" she closed her eyes briefly and rubbed at her forehead. "Everything in my life except for you was falling apart, and seeing all those people at Christmastime put happy expressions on their faces made it even worse. I just wanted to lash out. Deep down, I was hoping I'd get caught so my parents would just stop pretending to be so…happy."

"And that didn't work out quite the way you'd planned." It wasn't a question from Ryan, it was a statement.

"Of course not, which shouldn't have been surprising since it wasn't what I'd call the most intelligent plan to begin with," Marissa shook her head. "God, I was so angry when my mother suggested therapy. All the times she'd mocked people over the years for going to therapy, all the little snide comments she made about people who had psychologists…and now she wanted to ship me off to one instead of just DEALING with me." She frowned intently, lost in her own thoughts. "I've come around a little on my mom more recently and I can see now why she'd want me in therapy. But back then, I was just so furious. I felt like she was saying I was crazy, and it made me so incredibly angry that she thought she had the right to. And my dad just sat back like he always does and said nothing. I hated both of them in that moment."

"So you decided to drink." Ryan's voice was quiet, but it might as well have been a shout for the way it echoed across the room. For him, the drinking eventually almost became a bigger problem than anything else. He was haunted by memories of everyone in his family drinking; it had hit him like a hammer when he realized his girlfriend was getting drunk in the bathroom.

Part of Marissa felt like burying her face in her hands; the other part wanted to bolt from the room. It took everything in her to do neither; after all this time, Ryan deserved that much. "And so I drank," she echoed simply. "I won't lie to you. I wasn't thinking about your history with alcohol. I wasn't thinking at all. It wasn't about you; nothing about you made me drink. You were the only thing keeping me from letting go of any shred of sanity."

"But it wasn't enough." I wasn't enough, Ryan added silently, bitterly.

Marissa struggled with the right words to say to that, wasn't sure if there were any. "Would you even want to be?" she asked softly at length. "No one can be another person's entire reason for existing. You couldn't have been that for me if you'd wanted to be."

Ryan simply stared at her for a moment. He wasn't sure if she even realized she'd hit on a key contradiction he'd struggled with throughout their relationship: he couldn't totally responsible for her and he couldn't NOT be all at the same time. He wanted to be her everything, but he didn't want to be the only reason she was held together.

Marissa was frowning slightly at his silence. "I know I should have said that sooner," she ventured. "I should have realized that sooner. I don't want it to sound like I don't need you because I do. I needed you so desperately at that time that I couldn't tell you that just our relationship wasn't enough to keep me stable."

"You're right, it shouldn't be," Ryan agreed wearily. "I know I've struggled in that area, even more so with things that happened after that, but you're right." He rubbed his neck. "When I realized you were drunk at that party, I felt like I always felt when my mom drank: like I was failing because I couldn't make her stop. The feeling hurt, and the pain pissed me off."

Marissa winced; there was nothing she could say to take that back. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice so soft it was almost a whisper. "I wish I had something else to say, but that's what it amounts to, right? I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten drunk. I know that I get completely out of control when I'm drunk, and it was worse that night than anything other than TJ." Her memory of times when she was drunk was usually fuzzy, but the memory of that night was perfectly clear. Screaming at Ryan at the party…hitting the car that had forced her to let Ryan take the wheel…drinking…the cops…Ryan slamming the door again and again. She remembered that she had been so ashamed she'd barely been able to talk to or look at Ryan for days, and when he'd started acting like nothing happened and it wasn't that big a deal, she let him, even going so far as to joke about it to try and lessen the guilt and significance of her actions.

"I knew you were sorry," Ryan said simply. "You got help when you said you would. That's more than my mother ever did for me." He didn't know if he'd actually reached his breaking point like he'd claimed he had that night. He had been so desperately in love with her and so terrified that she'd never climb out of that hole that he would have said anything. Thankfully, he hadn't had to find out.

"I thought I would lose you," Marissa said quietly, "And then I'd have nothing. And it made me realize how pointless the whole thing was; I didn't want to throw everything away over a bottle. And I know this is skipping ahead, but I really can't see myself going back there again. Alcohol lost any numbing appeal after I moved out of the house for a little while. If what happened at the end of the school year didn't rock me enough to go back, I don't think anything will."

Ryan smiled tiredly and kissed her forehead. "Good."

Marissa bit her lip. "I shouldn't have made light of it that night outside your house, though."

Ryan laughed in spite of himself. "THAT'S what you remember about that conversation?" he teased.

Marissa blinked, then started giggling. "In retrospect, you have to admit that was funny."

"Funny that I'm such a loser," Ryan said sarcastically. "I am really, REALLY sorry about that. I felt like such an ass afterwards."

Marissa couldn't stop giggling as she remembered that night. "I was SO horrified," she giggled. "I think I had read too many romance novels; I expected it to be this totally dramatic, perfect moment. I thought I was going to have to join the witness protection program." It was ironic that she could find it so amusing now when she'd been so mortified back then. The words "Thank you" were her least favorite in the English language for about 24 hours.

"I felt like the worst boyfriend ever," Ryan groaned. "I was convinced you were going to look back on me and hate me 30 years down the line for that. And then I decided I was right when you said you were going to the party without me." His smile faded as he remembered whose party it was; they were edging up on one of the times he dreaded talking about the most.

Marissa tensed. Now that they were nearing that topic, she feared she'd made a huge mistake suggesting this. It was selfish and cowardly, but she was terrified of going back to that time, terrified of explaining things she wasn't sure she could explain, and had never felt she had the right to.

Ryan sighed, sensing her fear and not wanting to get into it just yet. "He didn't really affect us at that point," Ryan said gently. "I didn't even know him. Let's get to that when it comes."

He HAD affected them in some way, Marissa knew. Hindsight is always 20/20; there had been clear hints Oliver had been lying about Natalie back then and he'd certainly manipulated her about Ryan's feelings. She couldn't bring herself to confront that just yet, though, and simply smiled gratefully. "I wished I hadn't been so stubborn at that party," she admitted. "I was miserable; I was terrified you wouldn't show up."

"In my defense, I had changed my mind much earlier," Ryan smiled wryly, remembering how Hailey had taunted him. "I would have been there hours sooner, but I got locked in the pool house with Seth." Marissa raised a brow at him. "Don't ask," he sighed. "But it was good for something. He made me realize I had nothing to be afraid of in telling you I loved you."

"Afraid?" Marissa echoed, confused. "Obviously you knew I loved you."

Ryan struggled with the words; he wasn't sure opening up would ever get easier. "Because…because it was the first time I'd ever said it," he admitted. "Like, ever."

Marissa's brow knitted. "To a girl?"

"Period," Ryan clarified, looking anywhere in the room but her as she drew her conclusions about that.

Marissa was caught between being giddy and wanting to cry. That was maybe the sweetest, most touching thing she'd ever been told in her life, but at what cost? What kind of childhood had he had to have NEVER said those words? How did she even respond to that? She looked up at him and her heart melted at the uncertain, embarrassed expression on his face as he pointedly stared across the room. Impulsively, she caught his chin in her hands and brought his mouth down to hers. He was clearly surprised at first, but almost instantly responded and they shared a long, passionate kiss. By the time it was over, Marissa found herself basically straddling his lap as his hands ran up and down her back and sides. Breathing hard, she simply rested her forehead against his for a moment. "I love you," she whispered. "I can't make anything about your past better, I know that. But I really do love you."

No matter how many times she said the words, it still made Ryan's heart beat faster. "I love you, too," he murmured, then smiled a little as he recalled the first time he said it, the beautiful smile on her face the first time she heard it. It had been so worth it; knowing that a declaration of love from him touched her that deeply had been worth any fear and confusion. "And I'm glad I got to tell you that at midnight."

Marissa grinned against his mouth; the memory of that definitely still made her giddy. It had been one of the most magical, romantic moments of her life; she'd gotten her fairy tale I love you after all.

As her mind traveled on, the smile faded and she slowly climbed off his lap. There was no avoiding what came next anymore, and knowing he'd loved even back then the way he did make it all the harder. They'd put it off as long as they could.

She took a deep, shaky breath. They were going into one of the darkest times of their relationship now; she wasn't sure they'd ever fully dug themselves out of that hole. She prayed she hadn't made an enormous mistake in insisting on this talk. "I guess it's time to talk about Oliver."