Author's Note: As always, thanks for the comments for all reading my story! I truly appreciate all feedback. I struggled a lot with the last chapter, so I'm glad some of you enjoyed it anyway. The first part of this, as said, is fluff. They need it and I need it, lol. It's semi inspired by some of the S3 promos. As for the end, I don't necessarily think what Ryan does next was the worst thing in the world (although it was undoubtedly stupid), but I think that HE probably would. Enjoy! Oh, and as a side note, thanks for the compliment on my music videos! Mvids are my first passion and I love to hear that people enjoy them.

Chapter Eleven

"Okay." Ryan startled Marissa by grabbing her by the hand and pulling her off the bed with him as he stood up. "Time for a break."

"What?" she protested. "Ryan-"

"No no no, no arguments," he insisted. "It's lunchtime and we've got to take a break before we get to the next heavy stuff; no matter what, this stuff IS in the past and we don't want to get too caught up in it." Or dragged down by it, he added silently. He didn't want them to get so caught up in the anger and pain of the past that they forgot what they had now: a much stronger relationship than they'd had back then, trust and understanding as well as love.

Marissa considered his words and conceded the logic behind them. "Crab cakes at the pier?" she suggested.

Ryan grinned and slung an arm around her shoulder as they headed out of the pool house. "I'll buy you an ice cream cone afterwards."

As they walked hand in hand on the beach, Ryan watched in amusement while Marissa relished every last bite of the butter pecan ice cream cone he'd gotten her. He remembered how it had surprised him when they first started dating that she didn't seem to watch what she ate in the slightest; she could put away a cheeseburger with the best of them. It had only served to make her all the more attractive, finding out all the little things that shaped who she was. He had never had that with a girl before, never been so endlessly curious about every little thing about them.

"What?" Marissa's voice startled him out of his daze and he realized he'd been staring at her. She was returning the favor now, eyeing him curiously. "Do I have ice cream on my nose or something?"

Ryan inwardly smirked; she really should know better than to say things like that in front of him. "Hmmm," he said slowly, taking her chin in his hand while putting his other over her hand with the cone in it. "I don't…" quickly, he brought up the hand that held the cone to her face, covering her nose in ice cream. "Oh, guess you do," he teased, laughing at the irked expression on her face.

Marissa set her jaw. So he wanted to play like THAT. "Alright. Okay," she said nonchalantly, making away as she wiped her face- then promptly veering back to smash the rest of the cone in his.

Ryan burst into sputtering laughter as ice cream and bits of cone dripped down his face, causing Marissa to dissolve into giggles. "Oh, you SO deserved that," she laughed breathlessly.

"Yeah, well you deserve to get washed up then," Ryan shot back, lunging forward and scooping her into his arms, ignoring her shrieks and squirming as he ran for the ocean, promptly dropping her into the water.

"Oh, you are SUCH a pain in the neck," she huffed, even as she struggled to quit laughing and yanked him down into the water beside her.

"Mmm, I like the wet look," he murmured, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her neck. "Looks good on you."

Marissa shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, you look okay." Ryan rolled his eyes and she giggled, turning more fully into him and cupping his face in his hands. The laughter faded from her face, replaced by one of the sweet, gentle smiles that were fairly rare and all the more precious for it. "I love you," she said softly, before leaning in to kiss him. Ryan was almost surprised by the passion and urgency when he'd expected a quick, sweet kiss, but quickly lost the ability to think about anything but her nearness, her taste, her touch. He entwined one hand in her wet hair and wrapped the other around her waist to pull her closer as they embraced. Finally, the sound of whistles and catcalls sank in and he remembered they were in the middle of a very public beach.

"Oops." Marissa blushed, reluctantly pulling away. "Maybe we should take this somewhere a little more private?"

"Probably best," he laughed, still slightly breathless and dazed. "Show's over, guys," he called out to the gawking group of what looked like freshman boys standing by the edge of the water. Maybe it hadn't been the best idea to get his girlfriend's t-shirt wet, he silently griped as he pulled them both to their feet.

Marissa smiled in spite of herself as she caught the look in his eyes. Sometimes his jealousy could be endearing if it were fairly harmless like this. "All yours," she quietly assured him, wrapping her arms around his waist as they made their way out of the water.

"Better be," Ryan shot back even as he struggled to conceal the ridiculous grin he felt coming on at her words. It had been a good idea to get away from the conversation and remember how close they were now. Nothing from the past could REALLY touch them now; they were just trying to learn from it. "Back the pool house to dry off?"

"Uh uh." Ryan raised his brows in surprise and she elaborated. "YOU started the ice cream war and got me wet. It's only fair that we go back to my place to change clothes." They reached her car and she climbed into the driver's seat.

"What am I gonna wear?" Ryan protested even as he obediently strapped himself into the passenger seat.

Marissa shrugged playfully. "Shoulda thought of that, shouldn't you?"

An hour later, they were curled up in her bed together. For a moment Ryan had feared she'd make good on her threat to leave him standing naked in the laundry room while he waited for the clothes to dry- it wasn't so much the naked part he objected to as it was alone (or more likely with the extremely flirtatious and much older maid) in the laundry room. Thankfully, she'd taken pity on him and found a huge terry cloth robe for him. Even better, she'd decided to wear one herself, giving him an even more…generous view than usual.

"This could be a fun way to spend the rest of the afternoon," Ryan murmured, leaning in to kiss her neck.

"Mmmmm," Marissa sighed, temporarily losing her train of thought and giggling as he hit a sensitive spot. "Wait…we're supposed to be talking," she protested weakly."

"No fun." Ryan brought his lips to hers and she once again lost all reason, wrapping her arms around his neck and drawing him closer. His hands started to drift tantalizingly close to the belt of her robe, bringing her somewhat out of her haze. "Whoa there," she laughed breathlessly, weakly pushing him away a little. "If we go there, we're definitely never finishing this conversation."

Ryan immediately pulled his hands away, making Marissa inexplicably saddened. He hadn't been making her uncomfortable- the opposite, in fact. She'd been enjoying it a little TOO much, but they'd waited this long already; the first time might as well be something special, and not in the middle of this very important conversation. Still, anytime she pulled away even a little it was as if he thought he'd done something horribly wrong. In these little dark moments, she wondered if Trey's damage could ever really be healed.

Rather than start a drawn out conversation over that- they'd get to it in time- she deliberately cuddled closer, picking his arm up and draping it over her shoulder, then wrapping an arm around his waist. His body stiffened in surprise at first, then he relaxed and squeezed her briefly, kissing the top of her head. "So where did we leave off?" he asked.

Marissa bit her lip, feeling the shadows darken her thoughts once again. "I guess we left off right around the Valentine's Day stuff," she responded softly.

Ryan inwardly groaned, wondering when they would reach something that wasn't miserably unhappy to go over. He had nothing but painful memories of that hopelessly awkward, lonely period. "God, I hated those days," he muttered. "It was like we were strangers, when we hadn't even felt like strangers the night we met."

Marissa was fairly uncertain it was an unconscious act for him to remove his arm from her shoulders and move slightly away on the bed. She wasn't sure if that hurt more or less than imagining it was deliberate. She was uncertain about what to say in response; that she'd hated those days as well? She had, but it seemed almost…presumptuous to say so aloud. As it turned out, she didn't really get the chance to say anything.

"I was confused, too," Ryan was saying aloud; she inwardly flinched at the rising tension in his voice. "I didn't exactly know what kind of vibe I was getting from you. We would meet at school or something and it would be like nothing ever happened."

Marissa sighed; she'd known they would come to this. "That wasn't specifically my intention," she said slowly.

Ryan rolled his eyes impatiently; he wasn't in the mood for verbal runarounds and evasions. "What was your specific intention?" he asked bluntly, crossing his arms across his chest. "Because from that scene in school, and then later on in the pool house, it felt like you wanted to forget the whole thing to me."

"That wasn't the way I meant it-" Marissa attempted to explain.

"Oh really, so you WEREN'T trying to pretend nothing happened?" Ryan challenged, even as he realized the reason he'd only been able to feel sad during the Oliver situation was that at the time he'd bottled his anger up to this point.

"No…I mean…" Marissa rubbed her forehead. "Obviously in a perfect world Oliver would never have existed for me at that point."

"Too bad the world isn't perfect," Ryan shot back sarcastically. "Did you really think sex was going to solve anything?"

Marissa struggled not to wince at the painful, humiliating memories that comment evoked. "I don't think I was trying to SOLVE something exactly-"

"Then what would you call it?" he challenged angrily. The memory of that night wasn't any better for him; he'd felt guilty and angry that he had been made to FEEL guilty.

"I can't call it anything if you won't let me talk!" Marissa finally burst out, more unhappy and tense than angry. She felt like she was in the middle of some anxiety dream.

There was silence in the room for a long moment; Ryan took several deep breaths, thin slivers of shame starting to creep in and push some of the anger away. "I'm sorry," he said at length, his voice low and his eyes averted from hers. "No matter how hard a time I've had explaining something so far, you haven't cut me off at every turn and I shouldn't do it to you."

Marissa was too tired to do anything other than nod. She tried to figure out how to explain this the right way and finally settled for the painful truth. "I knew I was losing you," she said simply. Ryan's eyes flew back to hers in surprise and she quietly, haltingly went on. "I mean, I guess I knew that I already HAD lost you. I was kind of in denial back then; the idea that you were everything I'd believed you to be and I was going to lose you anyway due to my own stupidity was so painful that I couldn't stand it. I thought maybe if I could show you how sorry I was, show you how much I loved you in spite of everything I'd done…" she trailed off and shrugged hopelessly. "I wasn't trying to offend you or insult you, or brush off what I did. I was just trying to…keep you, even though some part of me knew I couldn't."

Most of Ryan's anger melted away during her speech; he knew consciously now, as he had on some unconscious level at the time, that that's how she meant it. He knew she had a good heart, and she was genuinely sorry for what happened. "I was as frustrated with myself as much as you at the time," he admitted. "For still loving you as much as I did, for not being able to get past what happened, for feeling guilty that I was hurting you regardless of the reason."

"I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty at the pool house that night," Marissa protested. "I was just…humiliated and overwhelmed. I actually wanted to leave quickly so you wouldn't see me fall apart and either make me feel better out of obligation or ignore it- I couldn't decide which was worse."

"I know you weren't trying to," Ryan acknowledged wearily. "But you have to know it's when you obviously don't want me to feel guilty that I end up feeling guiltiest."

Marissa laughed a little sadly in spite of herself. "That does sound like you, doesn't it?" She sighed. "When I ran into you and Theresa, I really started to understand it was over. For a split second outside, and then later on at the party, you looked so much more relaxed with her than with me. She made you laugh, and when I did things like approach you at the party, it just made you unhappy. I knew I didn't have a chance." She remembered how quietly, bitterly miserable she'd felt seeing them together, how hopelessly inadequate she'd seemed in comparison to Theresa. "I probably wouldn't have even have come to the pool house at all that night if it hadn't been for Sandy, I would have just quietly slipped away."

Ryan blinked in confusion. "Sandy? What does he have to do with this?"

Marissa winced ruefully. "Ooops, you wouldn't know about that, would you? He came up to me at the party after you left, told me not to give up on you even if it seemed like you wanted me to. I don't think he was trying to pry, just help."

Ryan couldn't help inwardly groaning in sympathy; there wasn't much worse than getting advice from the seemingly all-knowing Sandy Cohen and having it bite you in the ass anyway. "I'm sure he was trying to help," he said aloud. "I'm sorry if he gave you advice that made it worse, though."

Marissa shrugged. "I thought it was the worst advice ever that night, but I think I've taken it in a more long term way and it eventually ended up paying off." She smiled faintly. "You're here now, aren't you?"

Ryan reached out to touch her for the first time since he'd gotten agitated, touched that she though of it that way. "I am here," he said firmly, taking her hand. "And I'm not going anywhere, no matter what happened back then."

Marissa smiled gratefully; she hadn't exactly NEEDED to hear that since she hadn't particularly been in doubt, but it never hurt. "So I took Sandy's advice, and went to the pool house one last time," she went on, trying to push back the pain that memory evoked and failing for the most part. "I don't even know what I thought I was going to do or say; I figured deep down that nothing would change how you felt at the time."

"You were right," Ryan admitted simply. "Sometimes I wish you hadn't been. I think we needed the time apart, but I'll live the rest of my life regretting what I did during that time. But at that time…I just couldn't let it go." So he'd let her go instead, even as his heart had shattered into a thousand pieces. Even as her tears had made him bleed inside. Even knowing he still loved her, and probably always would.

Marissa just nodded silently, painfully. It wasn't anything she didn't know. "I always wished I hadn't run out like that. I wished I had ended it in a way that…I don't know. Did more justice to what you meant to me." She chuckled with no humor whatsoever. "I wish for my own ego that I'd been a little bit more graceful in my exit."

"Later, I'd wished I'd said it better, too," Ryan confessed, thinking of how he'd stayed up all night staring blankly at the wall, reliving every moment he'd shared with her and feeling like his heart had been ripped out. "I wanted to make it clear I still cared about you. But the truth was, I didn't just still care about you, I still loved you, and I knew I would have said it if given half the chance. And I didn't want to make it any worse."

Marissa scrubbed her fingers over her face, remembering that night herself, how she'd cried all night without sleeping, then settled into a cold acceptance of the truth. "I think you were right at the end of the day, we needed the time apart. I wish I hadn't screwed up so badly, but I did and we needed to deal with that apart." She smiled a little, more genuine than she'd done since they started talking about this. "As with most things, I hope it ended up making us stronger by now."

Ryan leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I think it has. Although it can be difficult to see considering what happened after that." He took a deep breath; whatever mistakes she'd made, he'd unintentionally quadrupled next. Not even simply in terms of their relationship; he'd made choices that eventually screwed EVERYTHING, including his own life and the lives of the people he'd come to consider his family, up next. "So now…we've gotten to Theresa."