Author's Note: As always, thanks for all the comments! Glad you enjoyed the fluff; I thought they needed it. Yes, I do make vids. You can find all my Marissa related vids (mainly RM vids, but also stuff like Marissa/Summer friendship, Fab Four, and the attempted rape storyline) at Go to media, music videos, and Liz's vids. I have a LOT of RM vids in particular.

Chapter Twelve

"We've gotten to Theresa."

This was one of the topics Marissa had been dreading the most. It was her Oliver situation, only Ryan hadn't exactly done anything wrong- to her, at any rate- so it wasn't like she could lash out about it. Now, as then, she felt as though she had to accept she'd gotten what she deserved and deal with any pain it had caused her- and it had caused her more than anything she could have imagined at the time- on her own.

Outwardly, she carefully kept her face blank as she shrugged. "There isn't a whole lot to say, is there? We were over at the time. You got involved with someone else. It's not like we were lying to each other or hiding things from each other."

Ryan frowned and worked to make eye contact, but although she met his eyes with calm, clear ones, he knew it was mainly a front. He sighed; it was going to be harder to crack the shell she'd put up to either protect herself or keep herself from being angry when she didn't feel she had a right to be than he'd thought. "I think we both know it's more complicated than that," he said slowly. "I hope we both know we weren't over each other at any point during that."

Again, Marissa wanted to brush it off, but she knew that wasn't fair. This had snowballed into a HUGE, life-changing event for Ryan and she wasn't sure he'd ever really talked it through. She should at least give him that chance, even if it cut her apart. "I think I know that now," she said softly. "I mean, I think it was pretty obvious I wasn't over you, and I know in retrospect you couldn't have been over me if you were so quick to get back together a few weeks later." Had that endless, horrible period of time really only been a few weeks? It still amazed her. " But then…no, I didn't know that. We would meet at school, and you'd look like you'd want to be anywhere with me. We'd try to hang out, and you wouldn't seem happy. I mean, I didn't blame you or anything; it wasn't surprising you'd feel like that. I just…basically thought you wished I'd disappear but you were trying to be nice." There were some things she couldn't say aloud; at the time, she'd been convinced he'd realized all there was to her was a pretty face when it reality she was far too difficult for anyone to want to deal with. All her life up to that point, she'd been terrified she'd be revealed as "just a pretty face", and the belief she'd been discovered as that by the only guy she'd ever truly been in love with had ripped her into a million pieces.

Ryan winced; as always, her NOT blaming him made it impossible for him to be angry or even brush it off as him being justified. Regardless of whether or not he had been, she had been hurt. And he HATED it when she was hurt. "It wasn't like that," he said, somewhat helplessly. "I was still so…hurt at the time. I was still in love with you, and I didn't even know what to do with that. I'd had to learn how to just let people go and never look back, and I thought I was pretty good at it- until you. Every time I was near you, I wanted to be WITH you. I didn't even know how to make casual talk in the halls, or just laugh and play video games when there was still so much between us. I didn't know how to reconcile my feelings of mistrust and fear of getting hurt again with still loving you; if anything made it awkward, that did. It wasn't that I wanted you to disappear. Deep down, that's the last thing I wanted."

Marissa nodded, the tightness in her chest easing a little. Logically, she knew that, but it was nice to hear. "I get it," she said simply. "I never blamed you for anything you did back then. No one can blame you for not trusting me. And then…Theresa was there."

A thousand times looking back, Ryan wished he'd handled everything differently. No matter what had gone down between them, he'd still been in love with Marissa and he had no business getting involved with someone else until he'd resolved those feelings. It wasn't fair to him, Theresa, or Marissa. And to get involved with a girl two steps away from being engaged, no less…it had been reckless and it had been stupid, and everyone he cared about ended up paying for it. "I wasn't anything approaching in love with her," he said out loud at length, trying to sort it out in his own mind as much as he tried to explain it to Marissa. "Not even for one second. It's so easy for me to see that now. Theresa was…my Luke, I guess. I mean, she was better than Luke-" Marissa surprised even herself by giggling at that and Ryan gave her a wry smile "-but she was the safe choice. The easy road. Someone I'd known all my life who hadn't really hurt me, although I can see now it's more because I didn't give her the power to than anything else. I mean, she could hurt me like a friend I cared about could hurt me, but she couldn't just…kill me."

"The way I did," Marissa quietly finished the unspoken sentence, hanging her head. "I didn't mean to. I know that I did, but I never wanted to."

"I know that," Ryan responded softly, gently touching her chin so she raised her face back up. "And I know I've done it to you without meaning to, too. I guess that's the downside to being in love: that person can hurt you like no one else. Now, I know that it's worth it when you consider everything you get that's good." Marissa smiled a little at that. "Back then, it still scared the hell out of me, so I went for the safe route. And Theresa was it- or so I thought." He rubbed his forehead. "Even with that, I knew something was off with the whole situation when it was all three of us together. It felt so off, in a way it hadn't felt off when you met her at Thanksgiving. I mean, that was weird but this was just…wrong. And then I would try to talk to you about it at lunch or something, but there were these walls I couldn't get around." He still remembered that day at lunch vividly; knowing she'd been hurt when she saw Theresa and struggling to say something to make it right. It should have been easier when she brushed it off so simply, but it only made it harder for him because he'd known she was both protecting herself and working overtime to try and make it seem like they could just be friends, even if it hurt her.

"I'd made things for you hard enough," Marissa said wearily. "I didn't want to make them harder." She also hadn't wanted to humiliate herself by showing just how much she was hurting over a relationship that was clearly over, but that remained a little too much to admit aloud. "Even then, with every word out of my mouth I felt like I was trying too hard, like I should just leave you alone but I couldn't seem to be able to. I would do things like show up at your house and feel like the biggest idiot."

"I was grateful for it on some level." Marissa looked up at him in surprise and he gave her one of his trademark half smiles. "Maybe I should have told you that, I don't know. I didn't want to confuse you. I was still so messed up myself. Still, it meant a lot to me that you still cared enough to try, even if I wasn't sending you any signals that I wanted you to. That's always mattered to me, just that you cared. For me, trying too hard is always better than not trying at all."

"Good thing you got stuck with me, then," Marissa said lightly, resting her head on his shoulder. "Trying too hard is my specialty."

"It's a VERY good thing," Ryan responded huskily, tipping up her chin for a brief kiss. "As for Theresa…I just should have known better. I mean, once Eddie came to see me, I should have known I was in over my head, and for something that wasn't even worth it. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she didn't end up with Eddie, but I shouldn't have made such a mess out of everyone's lives for a girl I wasn't even in love with. Hell, I made a mess out of her life."

I think Theresa did that just fine on her own, Marissa wanted to say, but she didn't want to seem petty or judgmental. She truly liked Theresa and God knew she couldn't judge a person for making a mess out of their lives; she'd turned that into an art form. "I went to see Theresa soon after that," she said out loud, unsure if she wanted to admit this but figuring she might as well strive for some kind of honesty here. Ryan jolted in surprise and stared down at her blankly. She sighed. "I felt SO pathetic even when I was doing it. I mean, what did anything she had to say matter? It's not like you were coming back to me, Theresa or no Theresa. I just…" she lifted her shoulders helplessly. "I had to know if she was in love with you. I told myself it was closure; maybe it was really some form of self-torture. Regardless, she didn't give me a straight answer although I definitely got the impression she wasn't in love with Eddie." She still remembered Theresa's lovely story about the church and how it had broken her heart at the time because she HAD felt that kind of love- and lost it do to her own stupidity.

It was ironic, Ryan thought, that they'd had similar urges at the same time, if for different reasons. He'd gone to see Eddie then too. But whereas Marissa had been fighting for love, he didn't even know what he'd been fighting for. Safety? Security? The comfort of an old friend he hadn't wanted to give up at the time? Regardless, it had led him to the exact WRONG choice, and down a path he'd never been fully able to find his way back from.

"So whatever you did at that time led you to Theresa," Marissa said softly, as if reading his mind.

Ryan closed his eyes, knowing the pain that must be behind her calm, serene exterior. He knew what it was like to see her with someone else; he knew it must hurt her as much as it had hurt him. Nothing could be done about it now, but he still regretted how…unnecessary it had all been. "It shouldn't have," Ryan said simply at length. "It's not like I was following my heart."

"Ryan…" Marissa sighed, pulling away somewhat. "You don't owe me any explanations."

"It's not about explanations; it's just the truth. I wasn't in love with her, and I shouldn't have been with her." Ryan said firmly.

"Okay, Ryan." Marissa said a little testily, inching further away on the bed. "I get it. You've said it plenty of times now." Her voice came out sharper than she'd intended, but she didn't WANT to hear about any of this. Every time she thought about that time period, where he'd seemed so caught up in Theresa when she was still reeling from their break-up, she inched dangerously closer to an anger that had no outlet and no point since she hadn't been betrayed.

Ryan eyed her warily; he wasn't sure how he should proceed down this path. "Okay," he relented at length. "Again, I want you to know I appreciated your offers to help. I was impressed with you back then; you had more guts and class than I would have in your shoes."

Marissa smiled without any real warmth or humor. "That's me," she mumbled. "Classy lady, always tries to step aside gracefully." She'd tried. She'd really tried to take the advice she'd gotten from Luke that day and tried to simply be his friend. No matter how much it hurt, she hadn't wanted them to become total strangers, and she'd still felt so horribly guilty. The least she could do was be a friend.

"I was an ass to you the second time you tried, after Eddie flipped out on me," Ryan said ruefully. "I know it probably sounded like I was questioning your motives."

"Little bit," Marissa confirmed; Ryan almost smiled at her matter of fact tone of voice. At least she was cutting through the crap.

"A million things were going on in my head," Ryan explained. "I was in SO far over my head with Theresa; she was planning on dropping out of school and getting a job…and then Eddie was there railing on me, and at the time I almost felt like he had a right to be. Deep down, I felt like I was interfering in a situation I had no right to interfere in. But then he accused me of sleeping with her…and you were right there." The image of her face was still crystal clear in his mind; he'd seen her for only a second over Eddie's shoulder, but he'd seen the indescribable pain in her eyes for that split second before she'd managed to hide beneath her mask again had given Ryan the irrational and almost overwhelming urge to beat the hell out of Eddie, as well as sending shock waves of guilt throughout his own system. After Eddie had bolted, he'd once again become overwhelmed with the Theresa incident but moreover hadn't known what to do with his shame and guilt as he looked at Marissa, so he'd bolted as well, and once again angry that he'd felt guilty in the first place, he lashed out at her. "I don't think I really thought you had some ulterior motive," he admitted. " I was just so confused and angry at the world that I was in yet another drama that I probably shouldn't be in. Granted, it was my own fault, but anger isn't always rational." Marissa smiled wryly at that; wasn't that the truth. "It sucks that I bit your head off for trying to be the bigger person, that's all," he finished.

Marissa waved it off. "Honestly, I wasn't that offended. I knew you were stressed out; I didn't take it that personally. I wished at the time you hadn't asked such a blunt question so I wouldn't have to further embarrass myself or push my somewhat unwanted help on you again, but I wasn't pissed off or anything."

"You had nothing to be embarrassed about; you were just trying to be nice," Ryan pointed out. "I was the one who should have been embarrassed. And I was upset about the whole Eddie thing, so I went to confront Theresa."

"And you ended up sleeping with her."

Marissa's words might as well have been a gunshot; the silence in the room that followed was deafening. That one stupid mistake had cost Ryan more than he could have dreamed of; he'd almost ruined his whole life. He'd eventually been forced to leave town, which had had a devastating effect on the Cohens and had damaged his relationship with Marissa so severely, it had taken months to recover from it. While realistically Ryan knew it was only one in a series of events where everyone held some kind of responsibility, it was his knee-jerk reaction to always blame himself. He'd grown up being taught to always blame himself. And he didn't suppose the guilt from this one catastrophic mistake would ever completely go away.

"I don't know what to say," he finally, quietly responded at length. "It was a mistake, there's no doubt about that. I was so careless to do it in the first place. I could tell you again I wasn't in love with her, but that just seemed to piss you off the last time."

Marissa closed her eyes and shook her head. "Ryan…" she muttered, now so far on her own side of the bed she was almost falling off. She didn't want to go there. She SO didn't want to go there.

"WHAT, Marissa?" Ryan finally burst out in frustration, making her jump. "You were the one who said it earlier! What does it matter if I didn't technically betray you? What does it matter if you don't think you had a right to be hurt? Just TELL me. Tell me that I hurt you. Tell me how I made you feel."

Something inside Marissa snapped, and the tears began to silently stream down her face. "What do you want me to say, Ryan?" she demanded. "You want me to tell you that knowing you slept with her so soon after breaking up with me ripped my heart out? You want me to tell you how worthless and not good enough I felt at the time? You want to hear about how I cried myself to sleep every night? You want to hear about how I felt betrayed even though I had no right to, how I felt like I never meant anything to you even if that's what I deserved because I made you feel like you never meant anything to me with Oliver? What is it you WANT, Ryan? Are you happy now? Feel guilty enough? Am I humiliated enough?" Her speech had spilled out in one long rush and now she was left with only shaky breaths as they stared silently at each other for a moment.

"It's not what I wanted," Ryan responded finally. "It doesn't make me happy. But I think you needed to say it, so I'm glad you did."

Marissa had to admit, she DID feel lighter after her outburst, if completely drained. "Maybe I did," she mumbled in exhaustion.

Ryan pursed his lips, uncertain if he should pursue the next question. Curiosity eventually won out. "Why do you get so agitated when I tell you I wasn't in love with Theresa?" he asked, frowning. "I thought that would make you feel better, not worse."

Marissa groaned in agitation, getting up off the bed. He just couldn't let this go. "Fine, you weren't in love with her. I get everything that that implies, Ryan. You were still in love with me, but I ruined everything and forced you into the arms of another woman. If I hadn't betrayed you with Oliver, none of this would have happened. It's my fault you slept with her; it's my fault you ended up leaving. Okay?" Slumping into her chair, she buried her face in her hands.

Ryan could only stare at her in shock for a long moment. "I have never so much as considered that to be the truth," he finally managed. "I've never thought my choices with Theresa were your fault." Hesitantly, he got off the bed himself and went to kneel on the floor near her chair, wanting to touch her but fearing it wasn't the right thing at the moment. "But obviously you have."

With those words, all the fight drained out of Marissa. She looked up at him, her face streaked with tears and her eyes filled with guilty misery. "Every single day over last summer, I thought about it," she confessed, her voice barely even a whisper. "What if I hadn't been SO stupid? What if I'd just SEEN Oliver for what he was? You never would have slept with Theresa because you never would have cheated on me. And so you wouldn't have had to leave."

"Oh, baby," Ryan softly repeated his soothing endearments of the night before. "Is that what you've thought this whole time? That's it's your fault? Is that why you're so hesitant to get angry, because you thought that would come out?" Sighing deeply, he stood up long enough to pick her up, then sat down himself in the chair and sat her on his lap. She appeared too taken aback to protest, so he went on. "Listen to me," he said firmly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "My choices are just that: MY choices. Whatever happened with Oliver, you didn't make me do what I did. I did that on my own, and it's mine to live with. You always hassle me about blaming myself for things; please don't get on my bandwagon." Marissa giggled a little shakily and Ryan smiled, encouraged at the sound.

"Thank you for saying that," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. It helped somehow, to admit it and know when it was said out loud that it was wrong on some level, to see Ryan's honestly shocked reaction to it. He truly didn't blame her. Deep down she knew he probably didn't, but it never hurt to really KNOW. "But you know, you need to let it go a little yourself. So you were a hurt kid who screwed up and slept with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, You aren't even the only person in the room to have done that," she pointed out. "Maybe it was dumb, but it's over."

"I'll try to let it go if you try to let it go," Ryan bargained, only half playfully. When Marissa put it in such blunt, simple terms, it made the level of guilt seem somewhat melodramatic; he wanted to do the same for her.

Marissa laughed in spite of herself. It was strange, how similar two so profoundly different people could be sometimes. "Deal," she agreed.

Ryan kissed her shoulder. "Really, it ended after that. I mean, she came to the party and Eddie punched me out-" he cut himself off as he recalled something. "I don't know if you understand just how amazed I was by you that night. I mean, giving Theresa a dress? I swear to God, I think I fell a little more in love with you in that moment."

Marissa smiled faintly. "I felt like for once I was being a good and selfless friend. Even if it hurt, it…I guess it hurt in a better way than everything before it."

Ryan simply nodded. He didn't particularly want to tell her about Summer's talk; that would remain between him and Summer. But hearing about how she had a good heart and she still loved him, combined with that incredibly selfless little act she pulled for Theresa, had melted away most of his remaining anger about Oliver. In the long run, it was an important step in getting them back together. "Anyway, it was over after the party. She left and I didn't see her again until after she was back with Eddie."

"I did." Ryan looked at her in surprise. "She came over to give back my dress and ask me to take care of you," she explained.

Ryan smiled a little at that; it was nice to know Theresa had understood in the end where his heart was, that she hadn't been horribly angry or betrayed. "You have," he said simply. "At the end of the day….you have."