Author's Note: as always, thank you so much for the comments! I'm glad y'all are enjoying the story. I'm glad people are enjoying my somewhat kinder impression of Marissa. Marissa probably has the edge as my favorite (I have a soft spot for Mischa; I'm a big fan of hers from her Once and Again days) although Ryan is right behind her, so I'm glad people feel I'm writing well for both of them. As for my vids, I put the link to them as my home page in my profile. Does that work? Thanks for the "Fix You" compliment! That seems to be a popular one; I really liked making it. As for this chapter, I know the ending is a little blah, but the next chapter is going to be an in betweener that flashes back to last summer, so that's what that's about.

Chapter Fourteen

"Then Theresa came back."

So they'd finally come to it- to the topic that had ultimately ended their relationship for close to a year, a period Ryan wasn't sure either of them had ever really gotten past. "We were happy before that," he said quietly, sadly, as he remembered that all-too-brief time. "For once, I felt like we were really on the same page. We knew each other better, we knew what it felt like to lose each other, and we didn't want it to happen again, so it's like we were working harder on creating a stable relationship. And I think it was working."

"It was," Marissa murmured, her heart aching in a bittersweet manner as she recalled the brief, fleeting memories of that period. Happy, giggly group outings with Seth and Summer…lazy, passionate make out sessions…quiet movie nights…laughing games of Packman every day at school. "I felt like we were such a normal couple, and I relished it in all the insanity going on in my life. It made everything with my mom easier; I was even enjoying needling her."

Ryan snorted in spite of himself. "That's the truth," he said wryly, still grinning at the memory of her playfully deciding to invite her aunt and relishing in the reaction. A lot of people only ever saw one of two sides of Marissa: the poised, mature, graceful adult and the melodramatic child. Her mischievous, playful side was always a rare treat. As his mind drifted to what happened next, the smile faded. "Then we ran into Theresa at the bakery," he sighed. "I'm…I'm sorry for how I acted back then, by the way. I know I kind of ignored you."

Marissa gave him one of her Looks. "Ryan, I have to break two things to you. First, if you didn't flip out about a close friend who was getting beaten by her fiancé, I'd have you checked into a psych ward. Second, if one of MY friends were getting beaten, I hate to say it but I might ignore you sometimes, too."

Ryan couldn't help but smile; she had a point about that first issue in particular. "Yeah, but she was an ex I'd slept with while were broken up. I didn't know if you knew that-"

"On some level, I did," Marissa admitted. "I don't think I completely accepted it until Theresa told me, but when Eddie punched you at that party, part of me knew what must have happened."

Ryan nodded tiredly; he figured as much. Marissa knew him well enough to know what something like that must mean. "Anyway, it was just…it was never anything more than concern for a good friend. I hope you know that. I'd accepted at that point that what happened with her was a mistake and I'd been in love with you the whole time. I probably should have made that clear. You're important, too. No matter what, your feelings count."

Marissa shrugged. "I knew. Now that's not to say I want you doing things like taking my car to do something illegal again…" Ryan flushed at that "…but I knew you loved me. Even Kirsten told me that." Ryan blinked at her and she elaborated. "When I came over the night after you bolted from the shower. She told me that you loved me and to make room for Theresa to be in your life, because you weren't going anywhere."

Ryan smiled faintly; it was nice that Kirsten knew that and that she'd try to smooth things over with Marissa. "She's right. I hope you knew that."

"I did." Marissa took his hand and laced their fingers together. "Not to say I was thrilled with the situation, not to say I didn't have my moments of insecurity, but I knew that you loved me and once you got over the shock and anger of what was going on, you worked at making sure I remembered that."

"I felt like such a crappy friend at the time because I just wanted Theresa to leave," Ryan confessed. "I mean, Seth and I would go down to the pool house to try and figure out a way of asking her how long she was staying. I wanted to help her out, but I didn't want her to take over my life and wreck my relationship with you, either."

Marissa smiled sadly. "If she had just stayed a little while, if nothing else had been going on, she wouldn't have. I worked to accept you were doing what you had to do; I know you'd never cheat on me."

"I know you do, and I appreciate that. I know I said this before, but I want to say it again." Ryan absently kissed her head. "You've never been overwhelmingly jealous or possessive; you're not a bitch to girls I used to date, or date while we're apart. You made an effort to be nice to Theresa when most girls wouldn't do anything like that. I really, really appreciate that. I know I'm not as good as you are about this, but it means a lot to me that you don't get pissed off about things like that."

"Well, you deserve some of the credit." Marissa stroked his face lightly. "I wouldn't trust you in that area if you gave me a reason not to."

Ryan kissed her softly and rested his forehead against hers, dreading what was coming next. "So I went to Vegas," he said slowly, hesitantly. "I was trying to be a decent friend and get her out of town at the same time, which still probably wasn't being a decent friend but I told myself I was at the time. And while I was there…"

"Theresa told me the truth," Marissa finished for him, pulling away and sitting up, wrapping her arms around her knees in a protective, defensive manner. That conversation was probably forever burned into her memory, along with the shock and pain that had gone along with it.

Ryan hesitated to ask, but he'd wondered about this for over a year now. "How did you find out exactly? I mean, that she was…and how it related to me?"

Marissa considered her words carefully; it was the one time she'd felt genuinely angry and resentful of Theresa for something she'd actually done as opposed to just circumstance, and felt justified in feeling that way. However, she still didn't want to come out and bash her. "Honestly…I felt like she wanted to tell me so I'd tell you," she admitted. "I mean, I guess she was just scared. I'd be scared. It's just…I asked her about it as a joke, she easily could have lied if she didn't want me to know. And even when she told me, I wasn't remotely connecting it to you. I don't know if I was in denial or what, but the thought didn't cross my mind. I told her we didn't have to talk about it if she didn't want to, but she just kept right on going. I asked her if she was going to tell Eddie…she could have just said he was going to make her marry him and left it at that, but she told me he might accuse her of it not being his. I asked her whose it could be and she just gave me this LOOK…and I knew." Marissa rested her chin on her knees, the pain, shock, and fear of that moment still vivid in her mind.

Ryan winced. He'd been afraid of something like that, and he couldn't say he was entirely surprised. He was torn on how to react; instinctively above all, he was angry at Theresa for using Marissa in a way that would hurt her like that; Marissa had never done a damn thing to deserve it. On the other hand, Theresa had been terrified and alone at the time, and she'd gone through so much since. He doubted she set out to hurt Marissa; she just wasn't thinking about her period. "That sucks that she did that," he said at length. "I mean, I really don't think she was TRYING to hurt you. She likes you, I know she does. Hell, she's defended you. I think she was terrified to tell me and she used you to do it instead. I know it wasn't intended to hurt, but it still sucks. I'm sorry she did that; I would never have wanted to cause you any more pain than that situation was already going to. I wish I could have been able to tell you myself."

Marissa sighed. "I know she didn't. And at the end of the day, I guess that was the least of our problems. So I told you like I guess she wanted me to."

Ryan KNEW he'd never forget that. He'd been so confused about the anger that seemingly came out of nowhere, about her picking a random fight about her father, going so far to try and slam the door in his face. And now he realized she'd still tried to give Theresa a chance to tell him face to face. His heart ached. Marissa couldn't have handled anything about that situation more gracefully, and it made him hurt all the more. "I'm so sorry," he finally said huskily. "I was sorry then, I'm sorry now. I was careless. I slept with a girl I didn't love and I didn't use protection. And you ended up paying a price for it."

"Guess you were too eager, huh?" The words slipped out before Marissa could stop them. Ryan flinched. "I'm sorry," she said immediately, her bitterness quickly fading into regret. "That was a low blow. You don't owe me any explanation for what you did with your sex life when we were apart."

"No, no." Ryan shook his head tiredly. "Say it. You handled the situation like a saint the last time around; might as well get some aggression out. Besides, our relationship aside I acted like an utter idiot and I should get called on it."

Marissa now knew what he meant when he said her taking criticism well only made him feel worse. "People in glass houses…" she said wearily. "Besides, I think you beat yourself up enough for both of us."

"I…" Ryan struggled to find the words to say this properly, wasn't sure if it was possible for him to do so. "I know this doesn't mean much considering what happened, but I just want to…thank you. For standing by me, for taking everything so well back then. I had no right to ask you to stay with me. I knew that when I did it. But I just couldn't…" he rubbed a hand over his face. "If you'd walked away from me, if you'd been angry, if you'd hated me, I would have collapsed. Maybe literally. It was selfish of me to ask you to stay with me." He remembered how desperate he'd been in the school yard that day, how terrified he'd been that she'd leave him. She had every right to. But he couldn't stand it. He couldn't lose her on top of everything else. So he asked her to stay, expecting she wouldn't- and she did. Unlike everyone else before her, she did. "It was so selfish. But I'm more grateful than I can ever say that you did."

"I WANTED to stay," Marissa insisted. "I wanted you to ask me to stay. Theresa or no Theresa, baby or no baby. I didn't want to lose you. I love you. I always have, even when I don't show it in the best way."

Ryan reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. "You showed it in the best way then," he said softly, stroking her cheek. "You were the only thing that kept me sane. God, when Theresa told me she was having an abortion and I didn't know how to feel…I shouldn't have even been talking to you about that beyond the facts, but you put aside everything to try and make me feel better. I thought if you loved me that much, then maybe everything would be okay."

"Fair or unfair, you have to tell me things like that or I won't understand," Marissa said gently. "That's the whole point of why we're talking about it now."

Ryan conceded that point to her. "I'm glad you think of it like that, because I needed you back then. And you came through for me."

"For once," Marissa muttered.

Ryan frowned and reached out to tilt up her chin. "Hey. That's not true. You did it before that and God knows you've done it since. We've both made mistakes in this relationship, but you have come through for me. Hell, just by never giving up on me even when I pushed you away, you came through for me in a way almost no one else has."

Marissa found that sad, that THAT was his measuring stick of how well a person was treating him. She didn't press the point; it was going to be hard enough to handle what happened next. "I guess it doesn't matter…since Theresa decided not to have the abortion." She made a conscious effort not to move away from Ryan's hand; she didn't know how well she'd be able go through this if he were touching her, but touch clearly comforted him and he'd been the one ripped away from his home.

Ryan still felt the effect of Theresa's bombshell like a gunshot; he'd hated himself for how he'd resented her when she asked him to come with her. He so desperately hadn't wanted to. He didn't know how he could go back to that old life knowing the life he could have. He didn't know how he could leave the Cohens and Marissa. But as soon as those words left her mouth, he knew if he abandoned her it would haunt him for the rest of his life. "Honestly, one of the worst parts of deciding to leave was knowing I'd have to tell you." He wanted to pull her closer to reassure himself she was here now, but he didn't know if that's what she wanted. "I was sitting there at that dinner and you were watching me…and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know how to hurt you like that. I'd sworn to myself I never would."

"I knew," Marissa whispered, not even noticing the first tear to fall down her face. "When you wouldn't look at me…I just knew. I wasn't even surprised when you told me, because I already knew." She couldn't begin to explain all the emotions that had gone through her at the time. The agony of knowing she was going to lose him, the FEAR of being so completely without him, the guilt of feeling like it was at least partially her fault, and overall the icy black numbness of losing one of the last things that truly mattered to her. She'd barely felt alive.

Even now, the guilt was crushing Ryan. Every time he looked at Marissa that night, and in the wedding the next day, he'd felt like he was slowly, painfully dying inside. He knew she was being basically held captive in a house with people she hated, and he was taking away some of the last bit of light in her life by leaving her. He didn't know how HE could stand it. He'd truly believed that day he'd think about her for the rest of his life, and he didn't know how he could take it. He imagined her having new boyfriends, going off to college and experiencing it all without him, and he'd wanted to die. "I don't even know what to say now," he murmured. "I felt so incredibly guilty and unhappy. I knew what I'd done was horrible, even if I hadn't meant to. I asked you to stay with me, I got your hopes up, and I told you I was leaving you the next day."

Marissa shook her head, the tears blurring her vision. "I was never angry about that. You had no way of knowing what Theresa would do."

"It doesn't matter," Ryan said quietly but firmly. "It doesn't mean I hurt you any less. I never should have made promises before any of us knew what we were doing in the situation. I wanted to tell you something about that when we danced…"

As soon as he mentioned the dance, the dam burst and Marissa fell apart. She'd had more traumatizing moments than that dance, but to this day she couldn't remember anything that had ripped her heart out as that final good bye had. She buried her face in her hands, quiet sobs racking her body. Startled by her impulsive reaction, Ryan helplessly tried to rub her back soothingly. When she didn't respond, he leaned forward to wrap her in his arms. She didn't respond at first, but as he continued to hold her and rock her gently, her arms slowly came around him until she was clinging so tightly to him he didn't know if he'd be able to get himself loose.

"I'm sorry," Marissa whispered shakily at length. "I know that day was harder for you than it was for me. I didn't want to make remembering it worse."

"Sssh." Ryan continued to rock her and stroke her hair. "Don't be sorry. I think you needed to break down over that; I don't know that you really got to the last time. And I needed to be there for you like I couldn't that day. I loved you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you so badly when you said it to me, but I couldn't because I knew I couldn't leave if I did. So I stayed silent when I should have given you that one last thing."

Marissa wanted to tell him it was okay, but found she couldn't. The truth was, that moment where he'd stayed silent had haunted her for a long time. "I understand," she whispered instead, as she had then. She did. It didn't mean she liked it, it didn't mean it hadn't hurt her at the time, but she now understood why he hadn't been able to say it.

Ryan accepted that, feeling as if it were more than he deserved. "You know what's weird? I was glad you were the last person I saw leaving town, just like the last time I had done it. I had that image of you against the sun in my head, and I could keep it with me forever." And at the time, he'd believed that he'd never come back. For the time being, they'd both believed their relationship was over forever.

Marissa found some comfort in that idea, that he'd wanted to think about her after he left. Even if that moment had hurt her, if that had come out of it she was glad. Impulsively, she pulled back only enough so she could seek out his lips with her own. Startled at first, Ryan quickly responded to the kiss, pulling her more fully onto his lap so he could gain better access to her mouth. "Wow," he murmured huskily against her lips when it was over. "What was that for?"

Marissa shrugged. "I guess I just needed to remind myself you're here with me now."

Ryan smiled gently and brushed her hair away from her beautiful face. "Always," he promised. "I mean it this time. I can't imagine something like that happening again." He grinned wryly. "I'm too selfish now. If I leave, I'm taking you with me."

Marissa giggled and cuddled closer into him. "Mmmm, I'll be a willing captive."

"I love you." Marissa's giggles immediately died at the intensity of his voice; she looked into his eyes and felt mesmerized by the blazing blue. "I'll never not tell you that again. I love you so much."

Marissa opened her mouth and couldn't speak for a minute; the emotion was too strong. She buried her face into his neck until it passed enough for her to return the sentiment.

"I love you, too."