Author's Note: Really, this is kind of a filler chapter because I wanted to dedicate a whole chapter to The Ex Factor. I hope y'all enjoy it nonetheless!

Chapter Seventeen

"I liked that," Ryan remembered softly. "I liked how we learned to be friends. I wasn't sure it was even possible, but I think we did as well as we could have. I liked being able to do things like chase you around with a penguin without all the constant drama and misery that had always surrounded our lives weighing us down."

Marissa smiled a little sadly. "Like I said, I think it was important. Our relationship had been so melodramatic so much of the time…we needed to learn how to just BE with each other, and I think we did to some extent back then. I mean, I can't lie and say I felt nothing but friendship for you. That's never been true."

"It hasn't been true for me, either," Ryan admitted. "I think there was a point when I tried to lie to myself and say that was all that was there, but there's always been something between us, from the day we met, that's more than friendship. I think it always WILL be there."

"I don't think I ever lied to myself about it," Marissa mused. "I think I always knew it was there; I just accepted it…I don't know. Didn't matter, I guess. Or it didn't change anything, so there was nothing to be done about it."

"It always matters," Ryan said quietly but forcefully. "What you and I have, it's always going to matter. Even if we're in different places or whatever, you will never NOT matter to me."

Marissa smiled softly and hugged his arm. "I know that now, and I'm pretty sure you know it's the same way for me. As nice as it would have been to have that assurance back then, it would have just made things harder. It was hard enough as it is to move on; I don't even think I did a very good job."

Ryan shrugged. "I thought you had at the time. I was horrified at Christmas," he laughed a little. "I thought it was going to be the worst thing ever, you and Lindsay. But it wasn't, and frankly that's because you went out of your way to make things easier. Even if you weren't getting a lot of help from me." Or Lindsay, he added silently, but felt vaguely guilty about dissing the girl he'd all but forgotten fifteen minutes after she left town after hearing Marissa still had feelings for him.

"It was a hard situation to be in," Marissa dismissed. "It was awkward for everyone, but I didn't want it to be so awkward so I made the first move."

"Was it hard for you?" Ryan asked quietly. "To see me…with her and all? Acting like…"

"Like you used to around me?" Marissa finished for him. "A little. Well, sometimes a lot," she confessed. "In my more ridiculously melodramatic moments I felt kind of replaceable, but I knew that wasn't fair."

"I know what you mean," Ryan admitted. "I figured you weren't that serious about D.J, but it still stung to see you two together sometimes. Even as I was moving on, it hurt to see you with someone else sometimes. I figured it might be the same way for you, that's why I was so weird about you two being in the same place at first. I didn't want to hurt you. I never WANT to hurt you."

"I know that," Marissa assured him. "I don't set out to hurt you, either. But you know, those feelings are inevitable in any break up, especially if there are unresolved feelings, which I think at this point it's pretty obvious there were."

Ryan smiled wryly. "Little bit, yeah." He paused for a moment. "She didn't replace you, you know. Not even a little."

Marissa sighed. "Ryan, it's okay, I swear. I told you that you don't owe me any explanations about that. I understood then, I understand now."

"No, I need to say it for me," Ryan insisted. "A lot of the time I was trying too hard in that relationship. I mean, we had some fun but it was next to impossible to really get anywhere. I'm not kidding when I say we broke up all the time, over some really stupid things. I think I had this idealized version in my head of what our relationship was supposed to be like, this really normal guy and girl, and it never really came true. What we had might have been messed up a lot of the time, but it's so much more important at the end of the day than whatever I had with Lindsay."

Marissa couldn't deny the little thrill of pleasure that went down her spine at that, even if it was petty. "I think it goes without saying D.J couldn't compete with you on ANY level," she responded aloud. "I mean, he really is a nice guy. Just not my guy."

"I really figured that out at the party for your dad," Ryan recalled. "I still don't know what the hell he thought he was doing."

Marissa groaned, letting her head fall back against the couch. "Well, don't blame him for my stupidity. You know, looking back I'm not even sure why I cared so much? I guess I was just so sick of my dad acting like a teenager, and I still had so much anger and resentment pent up against my mom. I think it was just an excuse."

"I wanted to go over and help you so badly," Ryan said quietly, his mind traveling back to that night. "I saw you, in all that pain beneath the alcohol, and I just wanted to go over there, grab you, and take you some place where I could hold you until it was better. For that one second, everything between us disappeared. When it was over, I pushed it as far back as I could, but it happened. And it was ridiculous, but I was SO pissed off at D.J for not knowing what to do with you. I mean, to take you to the party knowing you were drunk?"

"It's not his fault," Marissa sighed. "It's not like a lot of guys would know what the hell to do with me. And it's not like I let him get too close." She smiled faintly and leaned against his shoulder. "Besides, you held me the next morning, and it helped."

Ryan kissed the top of her head. "I was glad you were there. I was glad I could do something. Right then, I felt like whatever else we would end up being to each other, we could really be FRIENDS. And you're a good friend, however I might have made you feel about it later. You tried really hard to just be a good friend to me. There were points in those months where you were probably the nicest to me out of anyone in my life at that time."

Marissa raised her brows. "That's kind of sad," she pointed out. "But I'm glad, at any rate. We had our up points, but I know I had a lot to improve on in the girlfriend area at that point. I'm glad you feel like I was a good friend."

"You were." Ryan stroked a hand through her hair. "So I guess…I guess not long after that, things must have ended with D.J, huh?"

Marissa shook her head. "Honestly, the entire thing was a waste of my time. It was my lamest break up ever, although it was also my least dramatic so that's kinda nice, I guess. Basically, I got REALLY out of control in using him to piss my mother off and he called me on it. In a nice way, granted. So he gave me the money my mother tried to pay him off with and that was that; it was over. I can't say I was heartbroken; I wasn't in QUITE as bad shape as I'd been over the summer so I didn't need the escape so badly. I just didn't want to be lonely, especially when you weren't, as embarrassing as that is to admit."

Ryan smiled a little and ruffled her hair playfully, "Well, then I'll tell you hearing about it didn't exactly break MY heart, either," he teased lightly. His smile faded as he recalled what came next. "I guess we can't avoid this," he said quietly. "What happened next is our fight."