Author's Note: as always, thanks for all the comments! Let me say a few things, since this is an important chapter and an important scene for fans. First off, I am NOT of the opinion Ryan was totally justified in what he said to Marissa that night. I don't happen to believe all she ever did was drag him down (as I've said before, I think that takes away his responsibility for his choices); therefore, I think that remark of his was out of line. I also don't blame Marissa for Lindsay's fool self being a cheap drunk (although I never promote offering kids alcohol, so I alluded to that sentiment). Since I think this fight had very little to do with Lindsay at the end of the day, that's not such a big deal. I DO think Marissa was making a mess out of her life and needed to be told that. Overall, I don't think Ryan holds any resentment towards Marissa for that night. He doesn't blame her; he blames himself so he's not going to be angry here. Marissa is the one who would still be hurt and resentful deep down, so she needs to come to that conclusion all on her own.

Chapter Eighteen

"What happened next is our fight."

It was instinctive for Marissa to pull away and wrap her arms around herself as if trying to become a little ball. Of all the fights they'd ever had, of all the things that had ever been done, she didn't think she'd ever been so humiliated and stricken as she had been that night, simply standing there and listening to him scream at her. Not even with Theresa had she felt quite so low and insignificant; at least then she'd known he still cared about her. She'd had her doubts about it that night.

Ryan winced as she pulled away. He'd known this was going to be one of their harder conversations. He still hadn't totally sorted out the whole night in his head, but he knew the look on her face would stay with him forever. At the time, he thought he might have single handedly wiped out everything they'd ever meant to each other in one screaming match. "I know this is going to be hard," he said softly. "I think this is one of our most unresolved issues though; if nothing else, we should have talked about this night when we got back together."

Marissa was torn between hoping something would come up to dull the memory and dreading something would make it worse. Overall, she knew he was right either way. "Where do you want to start?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper.

Ryan tiredly ran a hand over his face. "I guess with me trying too hard for you and Lindsay to be friends." He sighed. "That was a mistake, not so much because of you or your behavior, but because of hers. She'd made it pretty clear you intimidated her. I know you didn't mean to," he hastened to explain when she opened her mouth in protest. "But I mean, come on." He smiled faintly. "You'd make a lot of girls nervous."

Marissa simply shrugged, resting her chin on her knees. She hadn't felt like a girl who could- or should- intimidate any other girl like that back then. "I didn't dislike her," she affirmed out loud. "Looking back, I don't know how much I liked her, either. I don't even think I really knew her, and she always had this tone with me like she didn't like me, which kind of set me on edge. But I was willing to try for your sake, and maybe so I could have one sane person in my house that was on my side."

"I was being selfish," Ryan admitted. She looked up at him in surprise and he elaborated. "That was all about MY comfort, really. I wasn't thinking about how it would be awkward for you two. I wanted to prove to myself that everyone had moved on, that everyone was happy and friendly in their new places. Again, I was trying too hard, which I guess was a sign I wasn't okay and I wasn't over it."

"You hid it well," Marissa commented quietly, a faintly sad tone ringing in it. "You seemed so happy with Lindsay, so totally past our relationship. I was happy you were happy, but I wished sometimes I'd been capable of making you that way." It had also stung to believe Ryan could so completely move past what they'd shared, when she was still floundering in it. When she still compared every guy to him and they all came up lacking.

"I wasn't past it," Ryan said softly. "It really hit me when I was driving Lindsay to your house that night." He shook his head in self-recrimination, still remembering how he'd gotten lost in memories of Marissa in the car. "She asked me how we met, and I just…went on about it. I almost forgot she was in the car. Looking back, it might have been a little reason I flew off the handle so easily later; I felt so guilty when I realized I'd kept talking on and on. I kind of tried to back track, but I think she knew. I felt…disloyal somehow, so I pushed the feelings back as far as I could again, and went all the way in the other direction."

Some of the tightness in Marissa's chest eased; it was nice to hear he'd been thinking about her and caring about her on a night when she'd been afraid he'd gotten so distant he'd decided he never cared about her in the first place. "Lindsay was really nervous and freaked out when she showed up at my house," she remembered softly. "I shouldn't have offered her a drink. I know that. But I felt so awkward myself, and I honestly didn't even think about it. It's just what we did before a night out. She said no and that was totally cool with me; I was embarrassed for asking at that point. I didn't pressure her. She asked for it later all on her own." A faint note of defensiveness and irritation crept into her voice; that was one thing she felt justified about. She shouldn't have offered Lindsay the drink, but she wasn't the type to do that.

"I know that," Ryan sighed. "I think I even knew it then. I don't think it was so much about Lindsay; I had so much bottled up about you back then. I shouldn't have blamed you for her choices." Marissa shrugged silently, her head going back to rest on her knees. Ryan eyed her warily; she hadn't had such a defensive wall up the entire time they'd been talking. He was starting to think the fight had cut her deeper than even he'd realized. Dammit, they should have talked about this before.

"I still remember the way you were looking at me in the Bait Shop," Marissa was saying aloud, bringing Ryan back to the present. "I hated it. I could feel the argument coming even then, and I was dreading it." She shook her head tiredly. "I thought at least one good thing about our break up was that we wouldn't be screaming at each other all the time, but I guess I was wrong that night."

"I was pissed off about that," Ryan admitted. "I didn't want to deal with a drunk girl again at that point and I had created this Lindsay in my mind that would never choose to get drunk all on her own…and there you were."

Marissa could feel herself getting testy about that and bit it back. "I've already said I shouldn't have offered her the drink," she responded evenly. Ryan flinched at the cool, distant tone. He would have preferred getting yelled at. "I mean, I truly didn't think you were going to be around that night, or that she'd get drunk THAT easily. I wasn't setting out to upset you. But I should have erred on the side of caution, just in case."

"You didn't have any responsibility to make me feel better," Ryan said quietly, avoiding her eyes and retreating into his own shell. "We were over at that point; you didn't owe me anything."

Marissa deflated at the somewhat defeated tone in his voice. "See, that's what I don't want," she sighed. "For as embarrassing as trying too hard can be sometimes, for as pathetic as I can feel if I'm basically still acting like your girlfriend when I'm not, for as much as I thought I must have been annoying you by hanging around when you moved on, I'd rather it than you thinking I don't care, or don't have any responsibility towards you. Even if I look pathetic, or it bites me in the ass."

Ryan's heart lightened a little; he knew that in the back of his mind, but he was afraid he'd lost that connection that night. He thought he'd pushed her too far. "You don't look pathetic, and I wasn't annoyed," he assured her, tentatively reaching for her hand and gratified when she entwined their fingers together. "I've said it before, but it always means something to know you care about me no matter what. I don't have a whole lot of people like that in my life."

As always when Ryan expressed that, it made Marissa indescribably sad. "Well, there you go," she smiled a little. "You can yell at me, but I'm still going to love you."

"I doubted that on that night," Ryan confessed. "When I found Lindsay again, I was just pissed off at the world. I was pissed off at myself for leaving her on the beach, at her for drinking…I was pissed off about things that didn't even have to do with that night. I was getting frustrated with Seth's drama, at Kirsten and Sandy for being so distant even when I was trying so hard…and then there was you."

"I guess I get the laundry list now, huh?" Marissa attempted to joke, even as she had to work at not pulling her hand away to protect herself from the memory.

"There were a lot of things going on in my mind about you," he admitted. "Like I said, I didn't want to admit Lindsay might not be the perfectly normal girl I'd made her out to be, and were there with the flask on you. I was upset you'd started drinking again, both at you and at myself- partially because I thought I'd caused it and partially because I didn't FEEL any differently than when I'd been your boyfriend."

"It wasn't your responsibility that I was drinking," Marissa said tiredly. "It wasn't your fault. But you ended things. I wanted to believe it also wasn't your place to attack me for it, but the truth is I was upset with myself for the same thing you were- I didn't feel any differently when you yelled at me than I had as your girlfriend. I felt like I'd lost everything but the pain of our relationship that night."

That struck Ryan as profoundly sad. "I wish I hadn't done it like that," he sighed regretfully. "I wish I hadn't been so cold, and I really wish I hadn't been so public. I know I humiliated you."

"You did," Marissa said bluntly, not feeling like she had to sugarcoat that. "Maybe I deserved to get told off for offering Lindsay a drink, but I can't say I feel like I did anything that night to deserve getting told I was nothing but a mess and more trouble than I was worth in front of people who had nothing to do with our relationship." She finally pulled her hand away. She couldn't hold his hand as they talked about that fight.

Ryan closed his eyes. He knew what he'd said to her would have to be addressed and he didn't even know how to do it. "It wasn't about that night," he repeated quietly. "At least, not much about that night. Lindsay being drunk in and of itself was a very small part of the whole."

Marissa laughed bitterly. "Oh, right. It was about ALL the times I'd screwed up, right? Messed up drunken bitch Marissa never did anything but drag poor innocent Ryan down. Fine. Let's ignore any choice you may have had in the matter, although I have to say for someone who never got anything but dragged down, you certainly kept coming back for more long after it had to have been clear I was a mess-"

"You're right," Ryan interrupted simply, sending her into surprised silence. "Yes, you had a lot of problems. But you're right; at the end of the day I chose to involve myself in those problems, like when I found out about Luke and your mom. You didn't make me do anything then; you didn't even know about it. I chose this. And I did it because I love you."

A lot of Marissa's anger melted away at his blunt confession; she almost wished it hadn't because it only left the pain and self doubt behind. "I wish I would have known it that night," she admitted painfully, trying to force the tears back. "It was like my worst fear was coming true that night. You had realized once and for all I wasn't worth the trouble that came with the pretty face. You were going to look back on this relationship in the future and see nothing but a mistake, a situation with a messed up girl you shouldn't have gotten involved with in the first place." A tear slipped down her face and she angrily brushed it away, almost in a slap. "And I mean, maybe that's what I deserved. But it doesn't hurt any less to hear."

The look on Marissa's face that night would likely haunt Ryan forever, he knew. Once he'd gotten through lashing out, he'd really SEEN her for maybe the first time that night. He'd seen the utter humiliation she was trying desperately to hide to some extent; he'd seen the dull pain and feelings of worthlessness in her eyes. "I shouldn't have said that," Ryan said softly. "I mean, I don't THINK that. I don't think that all you ever do is drag me down. I was so frustrated that night. I was watching you just get so lost from the sidelines, and I knew you were meant for better things than that but I couldn't help you. Deep down, I was still hurting over loving you and feeling like that wasn't enough to save us, and I lashed out. I was also pissed off that I was in the same place with Lindsay that I'd always been, and you were kind of a scapegoat. I didn't mean everything I said, and I should have made that clear when I apologized the first time."

Marissa scrubbed her hands tiredly over her face. "I'm not saying I wasn't a mess, or shouldn't have been told that. I was completely out of control; someone was bound to say it to me and you've consistently been the first person who cared enough to do it in the past. If it had just been that, I still would have been embarrassed that it happened in front of other people, but it would have been okay."

"Trust me, I'm aware my point got lost when I told you that you were dragging me down and blamed you for something that was mainly not your fault," Ryan said ruefully. "I know I handled it badly. I lashed out and said some things I didn't totally mean."

Marissa sighed. "Well, it's not like I haven't been guilty of that in the past." She was quiet for a moment. "Are you sure?" she finally asked, hating the somewhat pleading tone in her voice but needing to know regardless. "Like I said, if you felt like that, it's probably nothing I don't deserve."

In response, Ryan simply reached out and pulled her into his arms, not giving her enough time for doubts or pulling away. She stiffened up at first, but he simply held on tighter, burying his face in her hair and rubbing her back until she relaxed and finally wrapped her arms around him in return. "You have changed my life in so many ways," he murmured at length. "Sometimes it's been complicated and sometimes it's been hard, but…Marissa, I wouldn't even be ALIVE right now if it weren't for you. I wouldn't have been able to open up or love the way I can now. Yeah, there have been good parts and bad parts, but the good more than makes the bad worth it. Trust me."

Marissa was momentarily at a loss for words; more than anything in the world, what she wanted from him was to hear that and she hadn't been expecting to hear it tonight. Wordlessly, she buried her face in his shoulder, closing her eyes tightly until the intense wave of emotion passed enough for her to speak. "You don't know how much I needed to hear that," she whispered at last. Pulling away just enough to reach his face, she gave him a long, searching kiss. Ryan fell headlong into it, cupping the back of her head in his hand to pull her closer as their lips and tongues met. "I love you so much," she said huskily against his mouth."

Ryan smiled, thinking he maybe enjoyed how easily the words could come to him now as much as she did. "I love you, too," he murmured, kissing her forehead. "I'm glad you're part of my life." He sighed. "I really thought I'd lost any chance of ever being close to you again that night, especially when I came to apologize. I thought I'd pushed you too far once and for all, and you were never coming back."

"Ryan," Marissa sighed. "Yeah, you were out of line that night, but it's not like I haven't screwed up worse. If I hadn't pushed you too far before that night, what made you think that was going to do it for me?"

Ryan considered her words; he hadn't thought of it that way, which he voiced aloud. "That wasn't really my line of thinking that night," he admitted. "It wasn't a tit for tat thing. All I knew is I didn't think I'd ever hurt you like that before. I mean, I know me leaving and the whole thing with Theresa was worse, but it wasn't so…cold. It wasn't so careless and cruel. I…I have this comfort level with you where I feel like I can show how I feel more than I can with most other people, whether it be love or anger or whatever. But that night…I thought I'd let it go too far and you were going to retreat like everyone else in my life. I guess I felt the same way you did; like I wasn't worth forgiving or getting past it."

Marissa shouldn't have been surprised by that statement, but she was. The thought was so incomprehensible to her. That SHE would think RYAN wasn't worth the trouble? "Ryan…" she faltered helplessly. "That's never even been an option for me. I CAN'T do that, even if I wanted to, which I don't. I said it earlier tonight, but I truly don't mind that you get angry with me if that's the only way you can let those feelings out. I don't want you to feel you have to stop. I may get mad back, but I'm never going to give up on you."

Ryan smiled tenderly and rested his forehead against hers for a minute. "I'm slowly but surely getting that," he admitted. "I figure if you haven't headed for the hills yet, it's going to take a LOT to scare you off, maybe even more than I can do."

"In all honesty, I can't imagine anything," Marissa said truthfully. "I just don't see what could ever make me completely turn away from you for good."

Ryan exhaled; as always when she said things like that, it eased a tightness in his chest that he didn't even know what there. "I'm glad, because that night I thought it was over for good. It didn't matter who'd screwed up more or who hurt who more, it was just over. You looked so hurt and so distant, and I didn't know how to fix it. Then you said you didn't think what we had meant anything to me, and that just killed me," he admitted.

Marissa sighed. "That was probably unfair," she admitted. "You'd proven you cared a lot for me when we were together."

Ryan lifted his shoulders. "What else were you going to think at that point in time, though? If someone said to me what I said to you, I'd probably think the relationship didn't mean anything to me, too. I knew I was the reason you felt that way, and I didn't know how to tell you how far that was from the truth. It's another one of those things where I should have seen the signs. If it hurt me THAT much to think you believed that, something was wrong. If it was so awkward for us, we weren't over each other, as much as I tried to believe so at the time. But I still wasn't ready to let go of that safety net, so I just said I was sorry and walked out."

"Well, I was glad for the apology if nothing else," Marissa remembered. "It meant we wouldn't have to glare or turn the other way in the hallway; before you came over I was convinced we'd never speak to each other again."

"We didn't really talk to each other for awhile after that," Ryan reminded her a little sadly. "I mean, we had some casual conversations, but God. We barely spoke for what was it? Weeks? A couple months?"

"Well, so many things were going on," Marissa reasoned. "We needed some time apart and as distant as we were, things happened on my end that are important to our relationship."

"Mine too, now that I think about it," Ryan said thoughtfully. "Everything with Lindsay totally unraveled and kind of taught me a lesson."

Marissa bit her lip; this was something she had the feeling had always been far too awkward for Ryan to really talk about in depth, but it was important. "For me, this is the time I started get closer to Alex."