Authors Note: Sorry it took so long to get this up! I got distracted by premiere stuff and vid making. Thanks for all the nice comments! As for the Lindsay issue, like I said she is by FAR my least favorite character of the show. I truly don't think Ryan was able to get very close to her, and Ryan made a joke himself in the show about how they were always breaking up, so I didn't think it would be entirely out of character for him to point that out. As for how Marissa reacted to her, I don't think it was at all intentional to humiliate Lindsay or bring her down. Marissa, for all her flaws, is simply not the type to sabotage Ryan's other relationships or make the other girls he gets involved with feel bad. Like when she helped Theresa come to the party by giving her a dress, she also made a point of telling Lindsay that night how much Ryan cared about her and that she had nothing to worry about. Marissa just isn't that diabolical, lol. I never sawa hint that the show was trying to aim for Marissa setting out to make Lindsay look bad. As for this Alex section of the chapter, it's more Marissa explaining how the relationship happened, and how it ultimately helped her grow up so her relationship with Ryan would be more healthy when they got back together. This is the last chapter before Trey. I LOVE the Trey storyline; I love everything about it. I love Trey, I love Logan Marshall-Green, I love the way Ben, Logan, and Mischa all play off each other, I loved the writing for this storyline, I love everything. So these next chapters are probably going to be pretty in depth. Unfortunately, as cute as The Risky Business was it's going to be hard for Ryan and Marissa to remember it like that considering what was going on, so the Trey era is going to be very heavy and serious, even if the show at the time wasn't so heavy.

Chapter 19

"This is the time I started to get closer to Alex."

Ryan rubbed a hand over his face; this topic wasn't so much painful to him- although he'd been somewhat hurt when he'd realized the relationship was real- as it was awkward and uncomfortable. He had never considered Marissa having a relationship with another girl until it happened, and he still didn't know exactly how he felt about it. However, the curiosity he'd felt for months about her relationship with Alex overrode any awkward feelings. "How…I mean, how did that whole thing start?" he asked, spreading his hands in confusion. "I'd never gotten any vibes from you before that you…"

Marissa was caught between laughter and embarrassment; this was the reaction she always got when other people talked about her connection with Alex, and she never quite knew what to say. "I still don't really know how to explain it," she admitted. "It happened so fast. It wasn't JUST to piss my mother off, although that was a nice bonus and it was a big reason I stayed as long as I did. Alex was just so different from anyone I'd ever known, so cool and independent. And she liked ME. At the time, I felt like she liked all of me, good and bad, and I needed that so badly. I had fun with her, too. She was so free spirited, and I hadn't had any fun in such a long time. I'd felt…dead for months and all of the sudden, I didn't anymore. I admired her; I guess I wanted to be like her."

"Including…" Ryan trailed off uncomfortably; still not sure how to say it. He liked girl on girl action as much as the next guy, but it was different when the girl you loved got into a serious relationship with another girl.

Marissa shrugged somewhat helplessly. "I guess…Alex just didn't seem to think the sex of a person was such a big deal, you know? Like, she was attracted to PEOPLE, not limiting it to girls or guys. And when I was with her, I thought maybe that made sense. I needed something to hold onto and she was there for me when I needed her."

"And I wasn't," Ryan finished quietly.

"Ryan, that's not how I mean it," Marissa protested. "You HAVE been there for me. You were there for me for a whole year; I just wasn't ready to listen at that point; my life was so screwed up. It took a year of being exhausted by all the drama, then moving out and trying to be like Alex to realize it wasn't for me and start to get more comfortable just BEING me. I think I needed to reach that place before you and I could move forward. You had your own life then, and you had a right to it." She paused. "What was going on with you then, anyway? There was that whole thing with Caleb…"

Ryan shook his head tiredly. "More drama, what else? Not to speak ill of the dead, but Caleb was an ass to Lindsay-"

"There's a shocker," Marissa sarcastically interrupted. "I knew he'd drive her away."

"It was a disaster," Ryan confirmed. "Anyway, I got…like I always do and Caleb had a heart attack, which scared the crap out of me. Lindsay and I broke it off again because she wanted to get to know him better, he and I eventually came to an understanding, her mother decided to share with ME that she might not be Caleb's, Lindsay and I kinda broke it off yet again…basically, it was still drama all the time. Maybe slightly tamer, less violent drama, but drama all the same. I wasn't happy. I felt alone and just…off most of the time, like I wasn't really being me and no one could see that."

"Then Lindsay left," Marissa said quietly.

"Then she left," Ryan concurred. "Again, I don't think it was so much specifically about her. I mean, she was a good girl and I liked her, but I still don't think we even got to know each other that well at the end of the day. I just…I can't take being left behind." He smiled faintly. "So I was standing there, in the rain, feeling depressed and alone…and there you were. Just like you always are. Even when it's been hard, even when we've both screwed up, you've never left me behind."

"I never will," Marissa said simply. "I don't think I know how."

"That's what I need." Ryan reached out to touch her cheek. "Really, that's what I need more than anything else. I need someone who won't leave me. That moment in the rain…it was good. We'd left all the crap behind us and we were able to just BE in the same space together. It was good to feel like, even after our fight, you were still going to be the one who didn't leave me behind."

Marissa remembered that stormy night; she'd enjoyed it, too. It had been nice to just be Ryan's friend apart from all the insanity and complications their relationship had always had. "Well, it did break the ice," she said aloud. "It wasn't quite so awkward to hang out at the mall after that."

Ryan smiled wryly as he recalled their trip to the mall; that was when Marissa had truly started to take over his thoughts again, or more accurately where he'd allowed himself think about her more freely. "That was when I realized the thing with Alex might be more serious than I thought," Ryan mused aloud. "It was weird, but seeing you work at the relationship and try to stay in it even though it was obviously hard made it seem like she mattered to you. I thought you'd run home screaming at the first sign of trouble."

"She did matter to me," Marissa acknowledged gently. "It wasn't anything close to what you and I have, but she helped me grow up. Although staying with her then didn't necessarily mean that; I was determined not to prove my mom right." She paused, uncertain how to go ahead with the next part. "You…I mean, you heard what I said to Summer, right? You were listening."

Ryan flushed a little at the mention of his somewhat shameless eavesdropping. "I heard you," he admitted. "Man, that threw me for a loop. I hadn't even considered you not being over me. I couldn't understand why anyone would be hung up on me for that long." He remembered how dumbfounded he'd been, how hard her quiet, resigned sadness had hit him since he hadn't had any time to protect himself against his feelings for her. As often as he'd seen her unhappy, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen her so…beaten down as she was in that moment. She usually lashed out when she was hurt, not quietly accepted the pain and attempted to move on even though she still felt it. More than anything, he'd been stunned to realize her feelings for him hadn't faded away, and that shock had ripped through most of his protective layers to remind him his feelings for her hadn't vanished, either.

"I was SO humiliated," Marissa groaned, letting her head fall against his shoulder. "I'd been proud of myself up to that point; I thought I'd done a good job of letting go and never letting you see how I felt, never making you feel guilty about things that couldn't be changed. Not to mention, you were at least seemingly heartbroken to another girl, and there I was going on and on about how I missed you every day. I wanted to sink into the floor."

Ryan chuckled and put his arms loosely around her. "You didn't need to be. It wasn't like I saw you as pathetic, or felt sorry for you because you felt something for me I couldn't return. It threw me for a loop BECAUSE it made me feel things for you I thought I'd buried. Really, I wasn't too focused on Lindsay after that. I kept running what you said in my mind over and over again."

"I figured you at least weren't laughing at me after awhile," Marissa said, lacing their fingers together. "I was getting a definite vibe from you in the tent."

Ryan laughed and leaned his head against hers. "It was almost like the early days. I wasn't able to push past how beautiful you are, how much I wanted you. Everything felt kind of new again."

"And yet you used that same old line," Marissa teased him, nudging him playfully. "As if once wasn't bad enough."

"At least I was kidding this time!" Ryan laughingly protested. "I meant what I said about us being strangers, though. I didn't really like the feeling, and it got harder and harder to deal with. Seth was pushing me about you, I was thinking about you at any rate, and then I'd see you with Alex and it would hurt, which just made me pissed off at myself."

"I was really struggling at Alex's at that point," Marissa admitted. "I just didn't know how to survive there. Let's face it; I'm a spoiled brat. Not to mention, spending more time with you was bringing all the old feelings back to the surface, and I didn't know how to juggle everything."

"I was happy when you asked me to work on the bonfire," Ryan recalled. "Just because you thought it would be fun to do something together; I was glad you wanted to spend time with me. Even if I wasn't so sure I wanted the slap of reality in the face by going to your apartment with Alex."

"I did NOT think that through," Marissa said wryly. "It was automatic when I suggested it, but then I got to thinking about how awkward it was going to be, how messy the place was, how embarrassing it was to be doing something so…well, pointless and stupid since I didn't have to live like that."

"The state of the apartment was the last thing on my mind," Ryan smiled faintly. "All those feelings were coming back so fast and I didn't know what to do with them. I loved being close to you; I felt more…I just FELT more than I had in a long time. At the same time, there was still so much between us and you were with Alex…and then I felt like you'd gotten pressured into the whole thing with Seth, which kinda stung."

"Awww," Marissa said, rubbing his arm soothingly. "Trust me, Seth didn't talk me into doing anything I didn't want to do."

"Thank you," Ryan said playfully, brushing her lips with a quick kiss. "Anyway, then Alex and I got into a little…altercation. By altercation, I mean she threw a beer can at my head and I considered either fighting her or running away."

Marissa moaned and buried her head into his shoulder. "I had a feeling something like that must have happened. It's not Alex's fault; I kept hiding things about you from her. I told you; I barely told her or D.J anything about you. Our relationship was something that was just mine. I didn't want to share it with them. Which probably should have been a sign, I know."

"That along with thinking you'd been pushed into this made me retreat a little," Ryan admitted. "I stepped back and wondered if I really wanted to do this again. But then your mother came to see me-"

"She did?" Marissa interrupted in surprise.

Ryan nodded. "Long story short, she seemed to think I was the only one who could get through to you. For some reason, that made me think things could be different this time, if your mom's opinion of me was different. So I decided to go full speed ahead, challenge Alex, and get you back home."

"I was SO happy to see you at that pep rally," Marissa smiled. "You came and made everything make more sense, the way you always do."

"You mean until I almost got beat up?" Ryan asked ruefully.

Marissa cracked up in spite of herself. "Now THAT is funny in retrospect. Those guys at my bonfire…" Her smile faded as she remembered her final moments with Alex. "I hurt Alex," she confessed regretfully. "She really cared about me. And I cared about her too, but I was still in love with you deep down and I should have acknowledged that I needed to get past it more before moving on. I think we ended it pretty well, though. There wasn't a whole lot of bitterness. She's a good person; I hope she gets her life on track."

"I like Alex," Ryan agreed. "Although I can't say I wasn't relieved when you seemed so willing to come home. That night…I think I accepted that we were moving back towards each other that night. On some level, I think I knew we were headed for getting back together."

"So did I," Marissa smiled a little. "I knew we had some work to do, I figured it would be better to try and be closer friends first, but I had hope for the first time in what felt like forever when we lit that fire together. It was like so many of the walls we put up vanished that night." Her smile faded. It had felt like it that night…but then they'd gotten sidetracked by something-someone- that eventually became much bigger and more destructive than they could have imagined.

Ryan closed his eyes. He didn't want to go into the next part. He didn't know if he had the strength. Still, of all the issues they'd talked about, this one was the one that had the most profound effect on their relationship as it was now. He knew they needed to figure out a way…not past this since it was still going on, but a way to deal with it together more. He took a deep breath.

"So…not long after that, Trey came back."