Correcting Mistakes
Chapter 8: Torn
By: Remora29Miroku was a monk first and foremost. He might have been a pervert and a lecher, but he was also a man of Buddha. Right now, his faith was not only needed, but it was also being tested. When Kagome returned in tears and Sango's words of comfort were not enough, he had to rely on his teachings to guide her through her pain. He told her that even though she was hurting, Buddha and the Fates had a plan for her life. What that plan was, he could not say, but her suffering was not in vain. Kagome's greatest joys could only come after times such as her present predicament and that this hardship would only make her love stronger. Or so he hoped. He didn't really know what to think any more. InuYasha had been through more than his share of hardship and heartache in life, so Miroku could see no valid reason for his continued torment. He kept these thoughts to himself, as it would do no good to voice them aloud.
He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. After counseling Kagome, he had to rely on brute force to prevent Sango from hunting InuYasha and bashing his head in with Hiraikotsu. Miroku had to remind her that this time, he and Sango were merely spectators. The only reason they were more inclined to help Kagome is because her pain is visible. InuYasha is also in pain, but his nature would not allow him to show it as Kagome does. They couldn't take sides this time. They had to be there for both of their friends. Kagome and InuYasha both needed them, and it was their duty as family to attend to their needs. Sango grudgingly saw his logic and Miroku was thankful for it. It was hard enough with two family members fighting. He didn't think he could deal with a third person added to the drama.
Family—such an odd term for their ragtag group, but an appropriate one. They were a band of orphans that came together to defeat some of the greatest evil Japan and the world had ever known. The group had been through hardship before, but their courage and love had saved them. This time, however, Miroku was unsure of their resilience as the two leaders bitterly fought each other. Miroku didn't mention his doubts to Shippo, when the young kit came to him needing comfort and reassurance. The internal strife between Kagome and InuYasha had adversely affected Shippo, and he was petrified that their family was going to fall apart. Kagome was so wrapped up in her own problems that she never paid any attention to Shippo. InuYasha was in such a volatile mood that Shippo decided it was in his best interest to stay away from him. The other adults were either caught up in the mess or completely ignored him. That left the young demon alone in his small room, isolated from the rest of the castle's occupants. Miroku noticed the kit's new disposition and tried to soothe the boy's fears. Whether he was successful or not, Miroku didn't know, but Shippo did look happier when he went to bed that night.
After a tiring evening of dealing with the others' emotions, Miroku wanted nothing more than to retire to his bed and sleep the night away, but he couldn't. There was one person that he had yet to confront about the on-going problems and he wasn't looking forward to it. InuYasha was not one to talk much, but Miroku was hoping tonight would be different. With Kagome's current state, Miroku could only imagine how InuYasha was feeling. And if he knew the half-demon as well as he thought, he wouldn't return until the morning. As Miroku walked down the corridor to InuYasha's room, he started clearing his thoughts. It would do him no good to approach his brother while contaminated with outside emotions. Settling himself against the door, Miroku sighed. He had another night of meditation and no sleep ahead of him.
It was dawn before InuYasha returned to the castle. He needed to calm down and exorcise some demons. All night, the one thought that kept playing in his head is that he still loved her. Even after all the pain, he couldn't get over her. He still wanted –no needed –her, and for that, InuYasha couldn't believe himself. He wanted to hate her, the way he hated Kikyo when he was first released from the Goshinboku, but he couldn't. They had spent too much time together and endured too many life-or-death situations for him to hate her. The real question was, however, could he trust her?
No, he couldn't, and he didn't know if he ever would again. It hurt too much to recuperate from her betrayal, and he was too afraid to make himself vulnerable again.
Rounding the corner to his room, he saw Miroku sitting in his doorway. He wanted to walk right past him, but he knew the monk wasn't going to give up.
"What do you want, Miroku?" he asked resignedly, because he knew the monk would tell him what was on his mind regardless of InuYasha's wishes.
Miroku looked at InuYasha—really looked at him for the first time in a while—and was startled by what he saw. On the surface, InuYasha appeared to look normal, but upon closer inspection Miroku saw the bags underneath his eyes and the lines haunting his face. He was in agony, Miroku finally realized, and all of us have ignored it because he didn't speak of it.
"Actually InuYasha, I was wondering how you are doing. This incident has all of us upset and I wanted to offer my services as a monk," Miroku told him.
"Keh, I'm not one of your girls, you lech," InuYasha replied, hoping to deter him from his line of questioning. It didn't work.
"Cut the crap, InuYasha. I know you're just as affected if not more so than Kagome. I can tell you aren't sleeping or eating well. Now I'm asking you as a friend –a brother –to tell me what's going on," he stated. Miroku didn't want to raise his voice but sometimes force was necessary when dealing with InuYasha.
InuYasha was shocked. Miroku rarely got mad, so when he did, the others took notice. InuYasha just looked at him because he didn't want to reveal his weakness, not even to Miroku. Finally, after several tense minutes, he spoke.
"Nightmares. Haven't had 'em since I was a kid. Thought I was too old for them, too tough for 'em. Guess I ain't tough enough."
Miroku was surprised that InuYasha actually told him about his problems. It made Miroku wonder if the situation was more dire than they had previously thought. He would've thought more about this new information if InuYasha hadn't interrupted him.
"When I was younger, my mother loved me, cared for me, and protected me as best she could. Then the villagers set fire to our home. I remember running into the woods, hoping I'd be safe there. I was for a while; until the demons figured out I was there and started hunting me for fun. That's when the nightmares began," he finished, frantically pacing the room. He was no longer speaking to Miroku about his tortured past so much as he was reliving it.
"Sometimes I was so scared that I couldn't sleep. When I did sleep, it was filled with twisted images. My mother telling me to run and save myself. Demons hunting me until I collapsed because I was so tired. Scrambling up the tallest tree I could find, hoping to be safe for the night. Villagers taunting me, beating me. Calling me names I won't bother to repeat. I'd wake up more scared than I was when I went to sleep, so eventually I learned to do without sleep. Although full-grown demons don't need as much rest as humans, demon kids need lots of sleep for growth. For me, sleep meant nightmares and vulnerability, so I learned to do without it," he continued. So locked was he in his memories that he failed to notice the look of contemplation upon Miroku's face or the thinly veiled sympathy in his eyes.
"The one day, I could sleep without nightmares. The next day I met Kikyo. I thought everything would be better, and I could live contently, if not happily. But I forgot one thing: half-breeds don't deserve happiness. For fifty years I had nothing but the darkness of my nightmares for company. Fifty years of terror."
Miroku stared at him, barely comprehending his words. Fifty years of nightmares and he wasn't insane? He didn't want to believe it, but the proof was currently pacing like a madman in front of him.
"When I met you guys, things got better. I wasn't alone any more and I didn't have to worry about protecting myself by myself, I had help. Things couldn't have been better after Kagome accepted me. Her love meant the world to me. Finally I would have a place to belong and people who loved me. But I'm a freak, and freaks don't have happy endings. When I was healing, the nightmares started again; however, that wasn't all. I felt every broken bone mend, every muscle reattach. I couldn't speak, but I could feel pain," he confessed, needing to release some of us pent-up emotions.
"The nightmares were the worst. Even now they still haunt me, but they aren't scenes from my past. They're visions of what could have been. Me, Kagome and our kids—playing together, eating together, loving each other. The life I lost haunts me the most, so that even when I'm awake I mourn the loss of what could have been."
He was speechless. What could he say to end the suffering of one who endured so much? Nothing, so he didn't even try. Words were useless to him now –it was more important to let InuYasha unburden himself than to try and comfort him. His soul needed the cleansing of his confession, but the ever gruff half-demon couldn't let others worry about him.
"Keh, don't waste your time on me, monk. I'll be fine. If Kagome passes the Trials, then she passes. If she fails, she fails. I've been alone before so it won't bother me to be alone again. I know you, Sango and the run will follow Kagome wherever she goes, so you won't be sticking around if she loses," he stated matter-of-factly, as he stopped pacing and stared pointedly at the door.
Miroku silently took his cue to leave. InuYasha had given him much to think about.
The next day passed quickly, and before she knew it, Kagome was headed home to undertake her first trial. She was nervous, scared and somewhat eager to start. She was also determined to pass now that she knew InuYasha expected her to fail. She had to prove him wrong.
On the morning that they were set to leave, Sesshomaru and InuYasha saw them off. Sesshomaru was there to remind her and her companions of the rules and to offer the services of Aun. They were many days journey from the well by foot, but Aun could get them there in a few hours. InuYasha, however, was there for a different reason.
"Kagome," he called to the girl, "here are your clothes. Since you have to act like me, you need to dress like me as well," he explained. He proceeded to throw a set of priestess robes identical to Kikyo's at her.
"You have to wear these clothes the whole time you are at home, even at your school thing," he told her.
She wanted to refuse the clothes. She knew why he did it –to spite her. InuYasha knew of her insecurities concerning Kikyo and Kagome's places in his lives. He wanted to hurt her any way he could, and he had succeeded this time. But Kagome was not to be deterred, and she would not fail because she didn't want to look like his first love. So, she mustered her resolve, bit her lip, and graciously accepted the clothing.
"Thank you, InuYasha," she said, with as much ease as she could.
"Don't thank me yet, bitch. By the time these Trials are over, you'll be begging me to let you stay here," he said maliciously, as she slammed into the dirt. The satisfying crunch of her head against the ground made him feel better.
On that note, the three travelers set out for the Bone Eater's Well and for Kagome's chance at redemption.
Sango and Miroku were astounded at Kagome's time. They didn't really know how they got there, but they suspected it had something to do with the amulet that InuYasha placed around Kagome's neck. They questioned everything from the toaster to the toilet to the television. They couldn't get enough of all the "wondrous miracles" her world offered, and quietly wondering why she would leave such a place to put herself in danger in Feudal Japan.
Mrs. Higurashi was a little confused as to why her daughter was home so soon and with guests. She had thought that Kagome would be gone for quite a while as she and InuYasha prepared for their mating. Being the gracious woman that she was, however, she didn't question Kagome when she came home with Sango and Miroku. She answered any question they had, prepared their dinner, and set them up in a spare room in the shrine. Only after Sango and Miroku were in bed did she satisfy her curiosity.
"Kagome, honey, what's going on?" Mrs. Higurashi asked her daughter. She had been carefully watching Kagome all night, and she could tell that she was unhappy. She hoped it was nothing major—with all the problems Kagome had encountered in the past, she deserved some happiness now.
Kagome glanced at her mother with tears in her eyes. She wanted to run to her mother and cry on her shoulders. She wanted to tell her about how InuYasha's unfairness and the trials that she would have to endure because of a simple mistake. She wanted to do a lot of things, but she didn't. If she were to prove to InuYasha, and herself, that she was not weak and she was worthy of his love, then she would have to solve her own problems. With these thoughts in mind, Kagome looked at her mother and answered her as truthfully as she could...
"I messed up, Mama. I messed up big time."
Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha. I only own this emotionally charged plotline. Please don't steal Remora's plotline. She has thought a lot about it.
AN: Please don't kill me for this. It gets a lot worse
before it even pretends to get better. Also, I must apologize for
my lengthy delay. I graduated from my master's program (praise
God), but there were also two other important family gradutions around
the same time. Then I visited my sis (who has dial up so you know
how that went) and now I'm job hunting (hooray!). Hope to have
another chapter up soon.
Review Responses:
Kiyana Va Sala:
Sorry about not having anything after your name. Stupid quick
edit. Ah yes, the angst. Oh, it gets so much better.
Priestess kurumi inu's sister: Glad it was ugly enough for you. It's only going to get uglier.
Dragonlance: Glad
you agree with InuYasha about Kagome being spoiled. Oh, she's
going to be doing a lot of growing up in the in the next few
chapters. So will InuYasha, Sango, Miroku and Sesshomaru.
Inu-Shinta: Yes, her three friends are ditses. But to their credit, they haven't had to grow up because they live sheltered lives while she has fought for her life and the lives of her friends on a daily basis.
Frozen Miko: Yeah, it is angsty. I try to answer everyone who
reviews because if you take the time to review, I should take the time
to acknowledge you. You are correct about Kagome--she is a naive,
scared girl in a world that she really doesn't understand and hasn't
tried to understand.
MeiMeiPrettyFlower: Glad you agree with my work. It makes me feel special.