Author's Notes: Set four years after 'Becoming' part two. Buffy ran away, and didn't come back. Now, four years later, she's about to be reminded of who and what she really is.
Rating: PG-13 for the moment. Language and themes. Sorry, kiddies.
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognise is mine. Don't sue, please.
Feedback: Very welcome. Constructive criticism is welcome; flames will be used to help me toast marshmallows.
Chapter Notes: I see from the reviews that some people are quite confused. That's good. I like keeping people confused! If you've read any of my Harry Potter fics, you'll know this!!! But I'll steal my friend's review to make things a little clearer for you:
'1) The Spuffiness despite leaving end s2: it's AU from the end of Becoming Part 2. Deal. She's a Spuffy 'shipper, and it affects the way they are around each other in the fic (as you'd imagine it would). There was Spuffiness in s2, it's just that it was subtext, UST, just in their chemistry- there was definite potential there (for ff and the future). Better potential than the version they gave us on the show if you ask me, but that's just my opinion.
2) - actually, not sure I can give you a 2. Let me check. Yes I can. Spike is souled. Ergo, not 100 evil s2 Spike (not that he was, but he's not going to be 's2 Spike' is my point).
And LizaGirl, Ella is indeed escaping an abusive male significant other (Tom). I think that's all I can say on this sort of point. I do go to sixth form with Sparks, and she's on crutches- which allows her a very long reach and a very hard hitting-device on relatively short notice, so you can understand why I'm not saying anything more!'
That's what Kirina wrote, and she has it all right (she knows some of what's going to happen, 'cause I bore her with the details every day at college). I've slightly altered canon so that Buffy and Spike did have sex during 'Becoming'. That's the only thing I've altered, and I forgot to mention it – sorry! Spike is souled, so he's not going to be like he was in season two, and he also may be a bit different to how he is on the show – different experiences make a person different. No Buffy in Sunnydale equals a different Spike.
LizaGirl, as Kirina said, Ella is in/coming out of an abusive relationship, and she and Buffy aren't in love or anything like that. I'm afraid you won't find out the real reasoning for their closeness for another...twelve chapters or so? Something like that. But Buffy is bi – that much I can tell you.
And Kirina – your last comments made me laugh. I'd never hit you with my crutches...much...
That all said, on with the chapter. It's a very long one this time – don't expect them all to be this long!
Chapter Three: Explanations
She called in sick the next day, making sure that her immediate superior, Mrs Oleson, would tell each of the students she had appointments with that they should feel free to call her anytime.
Ella had taken Hattie to her music group, leaving Buffy to look after Marian for a while. The baby was only six months, and holding her was making Buffy a little broody.
"It's not worth it, Annie," Ethan advised, putting a cup of coffee down next to her. "You'd have to find a man, first."
Buffy smiled up at him, acutely aware of Spike and Giles sitting on the couch adjacent. Mind if I put on a show?
Be my guest.
"But Ethan," she pouted, "I always thought you'd make a good father." She lifted her face and he kissed her with just the right amount of passion.
"Christ, Ethan, you're forty-six," Giles said in disgust after a moment.
"And I'm twenty-two and perfectly capable of making my own decisions," Buffy told him sharply. "It's none of your business who I kiss, Watcher." Their level of conversation hadn't improved since Giles had explained how Dawn Summers was in fact the Key to other dimensions, and an evil hell-god was trying to use her to open the door, get home, and in the process wreak irreparable havoc on Earth. Buffy didn't have any memories of Dawn, seemed hardly affected by the news of her mother's death, and didn't look as though she cared for her sacred duty much anymore either.
In fact, the only things she seemed to care about at the moment were her friend and possible lover Ella, the two children, Ethan Rayne, and oddly enough about the way Spike kept looking at her as though he wanted to eat her up – and not in the bloody way.
Ethan disappeared for a while. Giles had pulled out a journal of some sort and was writing furiously in it. Spike was watching Buffy with an odd little smile twisting his lips. Buffy let Marian suck on her finger. Teething babies were a pain. Literally.
"Annie," Ethan started when he returned, "Why is this here?" He held up a small business card. Buffy turned very pale suddenly. "When was he here, and did you beat him up?"
"Doesn't matter," she muttered.
"That's why you're so unfocused," Ethan surmised after a moment. "He came round."
"Who?" Spike demanded. He was ignored.
"Did he see Hattie?" Ethan's voice was reaching a dangerously silky level. Giles recognised it at once, and put his book down.
"No, of course not. She was at music group."
"What did he do, Annie?" Buffy wouldn't look at him. She stood up and carefully put Marian in her carrier for a nap. "Annie, I'll find out one way or another."
"It's nothing," Buffy said quietly. "Please leave it, Ethan."
He grabbed her hand as she went to move past him into the kitchen with her empty coffee cup, and he stared hard at her, then let her go in disgust.
"I think, Ripper old mate, you'd best go," he informed his old friend in clipped terms. "I have something to discuss with Annie."
Spike stood up and slowly crossed the room to Buffy. His hand hovered over her shoulder, then he spun her around. She glared at him, but didn't make a move to stop him. He traced her jawline, and then opened the top two buttons of her shirt to reveal a large bruise.
"Oh, pet," he sighed. "Things should have been different."
Buffy buttoned up her shirt again, not taking her eyes from his. "Yes," she agreed tightly. "They should. I shouldn't have become a statistic. But I have. Is that what you wanted to hear, Spike? How my life isn't perfect? How I have problems? How sometimes I'm scared to leave my daughter anywhere without me? How the man that would have been my brother-in-law is abusing my best friend? How I can hardly bear to let any man touch me? Well, you've heard it."
"We need you in Sunnydale, luv."
"I'm not your love."
"You could have been."
She shook her head, a little of her defiance coming back to her. "In another world, Spike. A world where I was a different person." She leaned back on Ethan's quiet support, but he gave it to her only for a moment before stepping away. She looked at him incredulously. "Ethan?"
"Why don't you just fight him off?" he demanded in a weary tone. He'd sung this song too many times. "He's just a human. You're the Slayer, you're a powerful – "
"Because he is a human," Buffy whispered. "I won't hurt another human being in my life, Ethan. Not after...no. It's alright. As long as he never touches Hattie, and by all the gods he never will."
She was shaking. The three British men were staring at her: Watcher, Vampire, Sorcerer. Father, lover, friend. Why that order? she demanded of herself. Spike had only been her lover once, if she could even call it that. Ethan was her lover now.
"He will," Ethan predicted darkly. "That man will only give pain and hurt and destruction, Annie. He'll never be the father Hattie needs –"
"Well, I don't see anyone else offering!" she shouted, snapping. "No one else is here, Ethan! And I don't see you stepping in!"
"You know I would if I could, Annie. Don't you play that card."
She slapped him.
"Oh, thank God," Giles muttered. "At last someone around here seems to have some sense."
"Stay out of this, Giles," Buffy said in a voice that seemed devoid of all emotion. She didn't even look at him. "Sit. Now." To his surprise, Giles found himself doing just that. "Spike. Sit."
"Don't think I will, pet. Thanks for the offer." She glanced at him briefly. "Vampire, pet. Those kinds of spells don't work on the undead." He leaned against the wall. "Go on, please."
"Sit down, vampire," Ethan ground out. Eyes wide, Spike obeyed. "Annie, what are you doing?"
"Damned if I know," she threw out. "Kicking your ass seems like a good start."
"Oh, I see. Things get too tricky for the little Slayer, she resorts to violence." He looked at her scathingly. "I thought you'd grown up." She went deathly white, and guilt was etched onto his face a moment later. "Look, Annie, I didn't mean it. You know me..."
"Yes," she said stiffly. "Excuse me." She lifted the carrier – somehow Marian had remained asleep through all of this, probably due to Ethan – and disappeared up the stairs. Her bedroom door shut and locked a moment later.
"Bollocks," Ethan sighed. He glared at Giles. "This is all your fault, you know, Ripper. I blame you entirely."
"Oh, so this has nothing to do with the fact that you're an evil pillock?" Giles countered.
"Shut up, you two," Spike said quietly. "What the hell is wrong with her, Ethan?" And he knew something was wrong with her, something more than an abusive ex and four years alone and a child. Something more than he and Giles showing up. Something more than all of it. "What happened to her?"
Ethan gave a small scowl and poured a cup of tea out of thin air. "It's a long story," he warned. "And she'll kill me if she finds out I told you."
"And wouldn't that be a pity," Giles remarked. Ethan fixed him with a long, hard stare. "Go on, then."
"Alright, then. I'm not sure exactly how it started – she never has told me why she left good old Sunnydale – but I came into it just under four years ago. Christmas of ninety-eight, I think it was. And she was...in a bad way. Very bad."
"How?" Spike demanded. "This bloke? Hattie's dad?"
Ethan shrugged. "He's part of it. He was one of the people she rescued from –"He cut himself off at a small noise from upstairs. It was only the baby, though, so he continued. "I was, ah, researching various dimensions at the time."
"You were meddling again," Giles corrected him tightly.
"I like my word better," Ethan smirked. "But yes. And I stumbled across Annie. She changed her name when she left Sunnydale, to be harder to trace, but in this place..." He shook his head, an ugly, angry expression crossing his face. "No one would have found her if I hadn't."
Giles took his glasses off and fumbled for a handkerchief. "Where – where exactly was she?" he inquired.
"There isn't a name for it in English," Ethan warned. "In their own language, it's Phtygiktha."
"Oh, sodding hell," Spike said, feeling sick. "Even Angelus was afraid of that place." Giles shot him a querying look. "Angelus was – well, he wanted to go to a hell dimension. Earth was a bit too full of humanity for him. He was always going on about various different places. Once Darla got...a bit pissed off with him, suggested he go to Phy – that place. She didn't know all that much about it." He sat back, eyes gazing into the past. "He was more demonic that day than I've ever seen him be, and that's the truth."
And it was the truth. Angelus had been in a tearing rage after that; Drusilla had fled the house with Darla after she'd been backhanded, but Spike had stayed. Made it easier for Angelus to calm down, if he had someone to use as a whipping boy. He'd not recovered for days after that, even though Angelus had been contrite as that vampire ever could be.
He cleared his throat roughly. "So she was there. How long?"
"Only a few months, Earth time," Ethan said. "From what I can gather, it was about fifty years, their time – possibly longer."
"Good Lord," Giles whispered. "Fifty years in a hell dimension..."
"But she survived," Ethan pointed out. "More than a lot of others did. She got out more or less intact. Oh, there are scars, both mental and physical. Not that she'd ever voluntarily reveal them."
"So she's over seventy years old?" Giles was trying to get his head around this. Buffy was right, he had changed, but he'd always thought of Buffy as a daughter – albeit one in whom he felt a great sense of disappointment. All this was being turned on its head now. "How did she get out?"
"Well, that's where I came in. I opened a portal and went through, making sure I could open it up again." Ethan grimaced. "I found her. Very unexpectedly, as I'm sure you can guess. Brought her out. She wouldn't come without saving some of the others, though, and one of those was Dave. Hattie's father."
"Bloody hell, Slayer," Spike muttered. "Always with the saving."
"It's her hope," Ethan told him quietly. "She hopes that if she can just save one more, just one more worthless person, then she'll be redeemed."
"Redeemed from what?" Giles asked, sitting up straight. "What did she do?"
Ethan looked very uncomfortable now. "I...really shouldn't be talking about this," he hesitated. "It's really Annie's business..."
"What'd she do, kill someone?" Spike said with a grin. Ethan looked at him sharply. The grin faltered. "You've gotta be kidding me."
"She didn't exactly have a choice about it," Ethan tried to explain. "They made her – but one of them was someone she was...very close to. A lover, of sorts. Now, you know me, Ripper, I've done some pretty nasty stuff, when all's said and done. But the things she was put through...turned me off dark magicks for a hell of a long time, I can tell you."
"Thank whatever gods there are," came Ella's lilting voice from the front door. "We wouldn't want you teaching Hattie bad habits." She came into the lounge and flashed a tight smile. "Annie say you could talk about this, Ethan?"
"Uh, not exactly, pet."
"Then why are you?"
"We asked," Giles offered. "For what it's worth, we won't tell Buffy."
Ella frowned. "Her name's Annie now," she said coolly. "We all changed our names, in that place."
"You were there too?" Spike demanded, standing up. "How'd you survive, lamb?"
Ella smiled. Spike had – surprisingly – helped her dress both Marian and Hattie that morning, and he'd taken to calling her 'lamb'. She quite liked it, although from the looks of things he was out of bounds. Annie did get ever so protective about her lovers, and she should know.
"Because of her," she answered simply. "Annie helped us all survive. Especially when her children were grown –"
"Hold on, children?" Giles exclaimed.
"She was there fifty years, Rupert," Ethan said scornfully. "She had a life. Sort of."
"Sort of being the operative word for all of it," Ella muttered. "I just thank the gods we got out of there before –"She cut herself off abruptly. "Well. It doesn't matter. Now you know."
An awkward silence fell. Ella was glaring defiantly at Giles, who she didn't like at all. She could tell it was he that Annie particularly didn't want to see, and when it came down to it, she was on Annie's side now and always.
Ethan rested a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. Ethan was with Annie too, Ella knew. Now and always. They all were – or all should have been. They'd all vowed to stand beside her, fight beside her, love and hate and cry beside her.
"It wasn't your fault," Ethan told her quickly as her eyes welled up. "None of it was your fault, Ella. They made their own decisions."
"Yes, but I went along with Tom," she whispered, moving slowly to the couch. "I went along with it. After I promised – I vowed, Ethan, with blood and tears, just like everyone else, and I broke my vow."
"No, you didn't," Buffy said from the top of the stairs. "Don't you ever, ever say that again, Ella Walker, or I swear to Haghd, I'll – I'll –"She faltered. "Do something really bad," she finished lamely. She walked down the stairs slowly. "Have you been feeling that, all these years?" she demanded. Ella nodded slowly. Buffy broke off into a torrent of words in another language that even Giles didn't understand, but even Ethan winced at some of the things she was saying in the language of Phtygiktha.
Finally Buffy stopped after Ella had laughed outright at one of the things Buffy had been proposing to do with a pineapple and a Rakeshia demon.
"Well, I'm glad you find it amusing," she muttered, trying to look sulky but not succeeding. "Honestly, Ella, why?"
Ella shrugged. "I don't know. Staying with Tom, not being here more..."
"Tom is an asshole," Buffy said bluntly. "But you loved him, once. Love makes us do the wacky." She frowned, trying to remember something, then shook it off and looked at Ethan. "Ethan, would you do lunch? I'm crap at cooking, you know that."
"Now, why should I do that?" he drawled, smirking at her.
"Because I translated that text you wanted," Buffy said promptly. "And because you love me." She turned to Spike. "I only have pig's blood, sorry. Well, that and Rakeshia blood, but you probably wouldn't like that. Giles, you're okay with real food still, aren't you?"
He nodded assent as Spike frowned. "Thought I smelled blood," he commented. "Thought it was just yours from last night."
Buffy shook her head. "I rarely bleed anymore," she said cryptically. She turned to Ethan. "Please, Ethan? The blood's in the fridge."
"Alright then, pet," Ethan conceded. "Ella, you need a fix as well?" Ella nodded.
"A fix?" Giles ventured. "Drugs?"
"No, blood," Buffy said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Ella, are you okay to pick up Hattie, or shall I do it?"
"You'd better," Ella answered. "She wanted you to take her to the swings afterward."
Buffy glanced at her visitors. "I'm not sure that's a good idea," she murmured. "Thanks for taking her, anyway. Marian's still asleep upstairs, by the way." She joined Ella on the couch and yawned. "Actually quite glad I took today off."
"Buffy, we need an answer," Giles said after a moment. "We need to know if you're coming back with us. We can't stay much longer; we left Dawn under the protection of Faith and A- a friend, but Glory is stronger than any of us. We need you to come back."
"I thought I made my feelings on that subject perfectly clear," Buffy said, glancing up at him.
"I can't believe you're being so irresponsible still, after all these years."
"What the hell do you know about it?" she demanded. "You're asking me to up stakes and trek halfway across the country to defend some girl I've never even met against a god, because it's supposedly my duty? Well, I've done my duty, and then some." She shook her head, staring at him with no little amount of bewilderment. "It's been a long time, Giles, but I don't remember you being like this."
"People change."
"But not me, is that what you're saying?" she said incredulously. "After fifty-seven years, I can't possibly change, because no, I'm the Slayer, and that's all I ever am or ever have been to you? Is that what you're saying, Giles?"
"Fifty-seven years?" Giles repeated quietly.
"Yes, fifty-seven years."
Spike raised a hand. "You don't look a day over thirty, if you ask me, Slayer," he offered glibly. She shot him a dirty look. "No wait, I know this song. Shut up, right?"
"No," Buffy said suddenly. "No, you came here to get me too. Let's hear your spiel, Spike. Why are you here with Giles? You're a vampire, even if you have got a soul."
Spike stared with a caught-in-headlights look. "Uh, well, I, uh," he stuttered.
"Never mind," Buffy said wearily. "You clearly don't have a reason."
Ethan chose that moment to reappear with a tray of large mugs. "Soup and blood," he announced. "What did I miss?"
"Nothing," Buffy muttered. "Where's mine? I'm hungry." He handed her one of the mugs, and she sniffed the soup delicately before sipping.
"So, Slayer, why're you drinking blood?" Spike inquired, taking a gulp of his own pig's blood with relish.
"If I felt the need to talk about it, Spike, it wouldn't be to you," she shot at him.
"It's a type of demon blood," Ella said quietly, ignoring Buffy's raised eyebrows. "We were fed it in the other place, for various reasons. It has some helpful side effects, but it also has a rather nasty withdrawal effect."
"Thank Haghd, Hattie didn't get the dependence," Buffy said softly. "I got pregnant only just after we'd got out; a month, or so." She shook her head, gazing off into space. "Those months were awful."
"Tell me about it," Ella grimaced. "Pregnancy and Rakeshia dependency do not mix. Ever. My first trimester, I couldn't eat anything but blood. Try explaining that to the doctor."
"What are the side effects?" Giles wanted to know between sips of soup. Ethan lounged next to him on the second couch.
"Sharper vision, faster pregnancy, practically no menstruation, stronger, no bleeding, and an increased receptivity to magic, and some other things," Buffy said quietly. "There were...reasons they fed us it." She looked down at her hands. "Jobs that we did."
Ethan shook his head. "They weren't jobs, Annie. They were tortures of a different sort." He glanced out of the window. "And are we expecting company?"
A man in his thirties burst through the door a moment later. "Annie, she's dead!" he said wildly. "She killed herself, Marta killed herself!"
Buffy rose and wrapped her arms around her middle. "How?"
"Overdose. I just – I just found her, I've not been checking on her – oh god, Annie, help us!"
"Come and sit down, Marcus," Buffy said gently. "Come on. Sit down."
Then someone else came through the door.
"Bloody hell, is this a circus in here, or what?" Spike complained as Buffy pulled him abruptly from his chair and let Marcus sit in it.
"Shut up, Spike," Buffy said automatically. "Marcus, are you okay to talk to Ella for a bit? Good." She turned to the newcomer. "Mandy, what is it?"
"We need to talk," the young woman told her bluntly. "In the kitchen." Buffy frowned slightly, then followed her into the kitchen. Ethan trailed them, as did Spike. "Annie, there's a problem with the portal."
Buffy stared at the woman. "You...have got to be kidding me," she said faintly. "We bound that thing tighter than ever. What kind of problem?"
"It's coming open," Mandy told her. "Despite you two binding it, it's coming open. There are...things coming through. Not evil things," she hastened to reassure the Slayer. "Just livestock, and some humans. But they're talking about something called Glorificus."
"Aw, hell," Spike said crossly. "That's Glory. Our Hell Goddess."
Buffy frowned. "So to stop the portal spewing half of Phtygiktha, I have to go and stop this hell-god Glory," she thought out loud. "Oh, this is just terrific." The old familiar feelings of despair welled up in her, and for a moment her vision went black.
"Annie? Annie, are you alright?"
"No," she whispered harshly. "Marta killed herself. That's the seventh one, Mandy. Seven. And I want to be eighth. I have to go collect Hattie." She moved away from them in a daze; glanced into the lounge at Marcus, pouring his heart out on Ella's shoulder, and Giles watching them with a curious expression on his face. She pulled her coat on automatically.
"Annie, you can't just leave," Mandy said angrily, coming up behind her. "You have to deal with this!"
"Let someone else deal," Buffy said, louder than she'd meant to. Everyone looked at her. "Let someone else deal, god dammit. I'm sick to death of it all." She looked at her hands; they were shaking. "So much death," she whispered. "So much blood." Her eyes started glowing, and Ethan started forward in alarm. "Don't touch me!" she said sharply. "Just leave me alone. All of you leave me alone!" Her voice rose to a scream, and there was a huge, blinding flash.
When it dissipated, Buffy was gone.
Questions, comments, queries, chocolate: all welcome.
Coming next chapter:
Buffy and the Scoobies
A memory is stirred up.