A/N: Once again thx to AnimationWickedRaven for being the only one to review this story (I'm continuing just for you:)) OK, I have no idea what is this chapter going to be about. Of course this gonna be Raven centered as well, probaly sad, but nothing else comes to my mind. Well, let's see what is it gonna be!
Disclaimer: I had owned the Teen Titans in my dream, but then I woke up.
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A Price Too High
Have you ever wandered what's love? What exactly is the feeling that drives you to do things you would never even consider? People say, that the most beautiful gift to give someone is love. To sacrifice a part of yourself just to make the other one happy. As for me I consider love to be an unnecessary burden. It isn't a gift, it's a curse. And as every curse it has to be broken before it can cause harm. In my case the consequences could've been too serious, if I had allowed myself to love. Of course I never knew for sure what would happen, if I had fallen in love, but the danger of destroying the entire world is far too great to try. And that's why I'm going to do the only thing to save the world from the disaster that would mean the end of the humanity and life itself. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm sure you consider me to be crazy to do this, but I must . The happiness of a single person can not be a reason for others to suffer. All my life I've done everything to protect others from harm and I'll do it until my last breath. Even if it means to sacrifice myself. After all, it wouldn't be the first sacrifice in my life. I've sacrificed my emotions time and time again to save others. To ensure that they can live freely and happily. Why should I be happy? What gives me the right to be happy as well? My life is worthless and my only purpose is to defend those, who can't defend themselves. I should be content with this way of living. But I'm not. I want to experience freedom as well. I want the freedom to feel. To feel the love that is denied to me. But I've learned to supress these selfish thoughts so I can see what my duty is, what I must do. Even though it brakes my heart with pain.
Don't think that I haven't tried to find a way to show my emotions without losing control of my powers. I've read many books, yet found no answers. During my meditations I've found out how dangerous true love is. Although it grants great joy to those in love, it is also the pathway to the darkest feelings of the heart: hatred and anger. They aren't visible in the beggining, but with passing time they become more apparent. Even the slightest shadow of jealousy can unleash a chain reaction, that will eventually lead to fights. No matter how happy you are, there's always the thought of losing your love and if you actually begin to see signs indicating the weakening of the relationship rage starts to build up in you. You try to hold onto the hope of saving the love you share, it makes you fight 'till the bitter end. And I can't let myself be guided by such feelings, because we all know the consequences it could bring with itself. No need to worry, I've already accepted this fate. I'm ready to die for the good of others. But I feel...sad.
I know I shouldn't, but I do. I never realized how much I cared for the Teen Titans until this moment. The thought of never seeing them again is agonizing. I guess I'll miss them. Despite their annoying habits I've begun to like them. I'll miss their arguing, their shouting, their childish behaviour. Damnit, I love those bastards! I know that most of the time they act like immature idiots, but they are my friends after all. I truly feel, that they're like a family to me. Like we would be brothers and sisters. I'll miss all of them, even Beast Boy. Too bad he has never seen me laugh at one of his jokes. I feel kinda sorry for him. He was the one who has always tried to make me smile, no matter how many times I've pushed him away from me. He had never given up on me, always stood by my side. Maybe he has a crush on me. Maybe not. Not that it would matter now. No one can save me. In truth I don't need saving. I'm the one who will save them from myself.
I know that they'll be shocked by what I'm about to do, but I hope that in time they'll understand my reasons. I just wish I would have spent more time with them. I've always thought, that I'll just go with them later, have fun after meditating. Most of the time I spent alone, while they were concerned for me. If I could just take back all those things I have told them, all the things that hurt them. But I can't change the past. The future is gone now. All that remains is the present and I'm scared of it. In the movies it's always so easy to do. You just pull the trigger, cut your wrist, swallow the pill. They never show you what does it really feel like. In your last moments you're afraid so much, that you seem to be acting on someone else's command. You don't wan to die, but you know that this is the right thing to do. No, you don't know it. You just hope, that it'll be all over soon. You just need to take one more step. Just one step. But that one step means all the difference in the world. Live or die. It's your choice.
I can already feel my body shaking. Not because of the strong wind of the approaching storm. But because I want to live! The simplest of all instincts is forcing me away from the decision I've made hours ago. I can't believe, that I'm so close to achieving this, yet in these last seconds I struggle to even move. Deep inside I feel, that it's wrong, I shouldn't do this. It's not the proper way to die, it's too cowardly. People aren't born to fall in front of obstacles, they live to overcome them. The bitterness inside me starts to cloud my thinking. Who am I to make a decision like this? I've never killed anyone, and now I'm preparing to kill myself. MYSELF! Once I do this there will be no ME! I will cease to exist. I just can't imagine the void. I mean, what else do you have except for your own existence, the knowledge that you ARE? What is it like, when you touch your skin, yet feel nothing? No, I can't do this! I mustn't! I'll just go back into the tower, lay down on my bed and sleep. And tomorrow I'll wake up as sunshine lights my face, I open my sleepy eyes and all this will be behind me. I'll continue to live my life like nothing ever happened. Is it possible?
No. Of course it isn't. There's no way back for me. Not now. I've come too far to back away now. I've already written a letter telling the others, that I'm sorry for what I'm going to do. I really am. I don't want them to mourn me when I'm gone. My life is irrelevant compared to theirs. I've never really lived my life, and I would never be able to. This is how I was born, it's my destiny. I wrote that they can do whatever they want with my room and all the things in it. I won't need them anymore. They can sell them or take what they want for themselves. But as I know them they'll leave my room as it was. They love me as much as I love them. And one of them loves me more than I deserve. And I know that I feel exactly the same way about him. But I could never be with him. It isn't worth the risk of the destruction of the known universe. As I already said, the happiness of one person can not be a reason for others to suffer. There's too much at stake, too much to lose. The price for my feelings could be too high. I can't allow this to happen. I won't. It's now or never.
I step closer to the ledge of the tower. As I look down I can barely see the surface. There's no chance to survive this fall. And I hope I won't. I move even closer to the line that separates life and death tonight. It's a beautiful night, isn't it? The wind has stopped blowing, there are no clouds in the skies. It's full moon tonight. Can you see it shine? That peaceful silvery ring, how it smiles down on my pale face? I smile back. I pull down my hood and run my hand through my violet hair. Funny, I've never noticed how soft my hair is. It feels good to caress it. It feels reassuring, like I would be a child who is afraid of the dark and the parents try to calm him down. To let the child know that no matter what happens, they will be at his side, ensuring that no harm comes to him. That's the way I feel. But then I realize my situation. One step closer to the ledge. I'm standing at the line now, and I still don't feel prepared to cross it. I once more caress my hair. I touch my skin to feel it's warmth one last time. I turn back so I can see the Moon completely. Behind me is what awaits me, but I don't want to die watching the inevitable come closer. Instead I'll die with the sight of perfect tranquility. I smile weakly.
"Beast Boy, Cyborg, Robin, Starfire. Farewell my friends." - I say to myself. A tear runs down my face as I regret the pain I'll cause to my love.
"I'm sorry." - the last words leave my mouth as I lean back. Nothing holds me and soon I begin to fall.
I'm falling so that others can live.
I'm falling so that others can love.
The Moon still shines above me.
I'm finally happy, my emotions come to the surface.
My curse is broken.
I'm free.
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A/N: Sorry that this is so short, but I swear I have no inspiration left in me. The 3rd chapter was exhausting and too shocking for me, 'cause I never thought that I could write something so dark. Well all these fics are based on my own feelings and experiences. I've projected them into Raven's character. I hope you liked it. I guess I'll write some songfics into this story. Maybe a chapter or two. As I said I need inspiration. I know the perfect songs just need to think of a story. Anyway, plz review. Any opinion/flaming is accepted. I've enabled the sending of anonymous reviews as well, so be so kind to write me. It would mean a lot to me. Thx a lot guyz, so long.