Disclaimer: Don't own the X-men.
Last Time:
"Who did this?" asked John wondrously. "They're a genius."
Someone had sneaked around and put orange dye in the dunking tank. Jean, unsuspecting kept being dunked into the water and her skin started to gradually become orange.
"She was a lighter orange when we first saw her," said Kitty. She held out her digital camera. "See?"
"I do good work don't I?" asked a voice. The six of them turned and saw Tabitha.
"You did this?" asked Rogue. She and Kitty looked at Tabitha hard. Tabitha shifted uneasily under their gazes.
"Yeah," she said warily.
"You, are, brilliant!" said Kitty.
Tabitha smiled. "Thank you, thank you," she said. "No autographs, please."
Chapter 27- Mutant Fair Day IV
Wanda sneaked up behind John and put her hands over his eyes. They were outside of the school, around their newest make out spot.
"Like, guess who!" she said in the perkiest voice she could.
"It hurt to talk that way didn't it Wanda?" asked John as he took her hands from his eyes and turned to face her. He quickly kissed her.
Wanda nodded gravely. "It did," she said. "I love Kitty and all, and she's laying off the 'likes' but God, if I ever start talking like that shoot me."
"I wouldn't do that," said John. "Then who would I have to fuck every night?"
"John!" said Wanda indignantly. She turned away from him and crossed her arms.
John grinned and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her closer.
"You know it's true shiela," he said huskily in her ear.
Wanda grinned and turned to kiss him again.
"Let's go see the magic show," said Wanda.
"Do we have to?" asked John. "We know how they're doing it."
Wanda grinned evilly and lifted her hand, showing him one of his lighters. The rest she had in her purse, right next to the pepper spray.
"What?" asked John incredulously. He started to search his thousands of pockets and found he was without his lighters.
"Wanda," he said. "Gimme my lighters."
"Come with me to the magic show," said Wanda, enjoying the moment.
"Gimme my lighters," repeated John. He lunged for it, but Wanda was prepared. She quickly made a shield around herself, which John bounced off of and fell on his butt.
"Come to the magic show with me or you're not getting your lighters or laid for a week," said Wanda. She grinned. "Now for the test, do you love your lighters and sex enough to withstand a magic show?"
John immediately started singing the jeopardy theme song.
"Do do do do. Do do do. Do do do do do dododododo," he sang. He started to wave his pointer fingers and dance.
"John," said Wanda. John immediately stopped in the middle of a cartwheel. He fell to the ground, face up.
"Ow," he said. "What?"
"Magic show?" Wanda reminded him.
"Oh yeah," said John. He got up and brushed his pants. "Let's go."
(-strawberrie-)
"And now, I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto will make this hundred pound couch-" said Roberto as he paused for dramatic effect. "- disappear!" He was on stage in the auditorium as John and Wanda walked in. "And then!" He paused again for dramatic effect. "I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto will make it reappear," He paused once again. "Once again."
He walked over to the big, comfy couch. "And now!" said Roberto again. He started to wave his magic stick. "Alaka…Ala… what's my line again?"
"Alakazam idiot!" hissed Kurt from inside the couch. Not so loudly so that the audience could hear. The couch had an empty space under the cushions where Kurt was lying.
"Thanks," Roberto whispered. "Now! I will make the couch…disappear!" He flourished his wand. "Alakazam idiot!"
"Oh Lord," muttered Kurt as he teleported himself and the couch backstage in a cloud of smoke.
The audience started whispering wondrously, while Wanda and John were barely restraining their laughter.
"And now…" said Roberto. "I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto, will bring it back again." He flourished his wand again, this time more extravagantly. "Alakazam idiot!"
Wanda and John burst into hysterical laughter as Kurt teleported the couch back again on stage, and teleported himself backstage.
The audience started clapping enthusiastically while Kurt, using his image inducer walked in from the left of the stage, carrying a big box.
"For this next trick," said Roberto. "I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto, will need an assistant from the audience."
Immediately hands rose and people screamed to get Roberto's attention.
"Me! Oh Me! Pick me, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto!" screamed John in a high pitched girl's voice. Wanda was laughing too hard to stop him.
"You there!" said Roberto, pointing out a girl in the audience.
"You don't love me!" screamed John accusingly at Roberto. He broke into tears and sank back into his seat. Wanda consoled him while barely biting back more laughter.
"Who did he pick?" said John. "Who's that little whore he picked!" He got up and started to look to the left. He stopped when he saw Kitty walking towards stage.
John's eyes got wide as he searched the audience and saw Piotr glaring at him.
"Excuse me?" mouthed Piotr.
John's eyes widened even more and he started to frantically wave his hands in a 'no' gesture.
"No! No! I didn't mean it! She's not a whore! She's a very nice girl and I love her and all…" said John.
"You what?" screamed Piotr.
Wanda patted John on the shoulder. "Wrong thing to say luv," she said.
"Now you tell me," said John in a small voice. He looked around wildly for an escape and found one.
"RUN!" he screamed and ran out the door, Piotr following closely.
Wanda heard laughter from the right and turned to see Remy and Rogue falling over each other laughing. She grinned and waved at them. She sat down again, stealing some of John's popcorn.
"Wanda!" said a loud voice. Everyone turned to look at the entrance to the auditorium where David was standing.
"David?" asked Wanda.
"Wanda," said David. He walked over to where she was standing and took her hands in his. Wanda snatched her hands away, and David tried to take them back again.
"Wanda, tell me what I must do," said David. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think, or breathe without you. I need you. Tell me what I must do to win your heart."
"You have to be John," said Wanda.
David rolled his eyes. "Who would want to be like him?" he asked. "He's a freak."
Wanda stared at him and then suddenly punched him in the jaw.
"That freak is my boyfriend," she said. She kicked him. "That freak is the guy I love more than life and in that freak lies a man that is a million times the man you are. Wait, you aren't a man, you're a mere boy!" With that Wanda kicked him once again and stalked over to where Remy and Rogue were sitting.
"Anyway," said Roberto. "On with the show!"
"Now," he said. "I will take this beautiful- I mean…" Roberto paused and searched wildly for a big metal guy coming after him. When he realized Piotr wasn't there he calmed down. "Yes, beautiful young lady and I will put her in this box… you're not claustrophobic are you? No? Good." Kitty walked into the box, faced the audience and waved before Kurt closed the box.
"Now, with my faithful assistant Kurt, I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto, will stick swords through her," said Roberto.
The audience murmured in fear and anticipation.
"What!" screamed Kitty, trying to act scared. "You never said anything about this! I want out!"
"Don't worry," said Roberto. "Nothing will happen to you."
"Now, I will demonstrate how sharp these knives are," said Roberto. He picked one up and Kurt came over with a feather. They put it on top of the sword and without applying any pressure, the feather cut in half.
The audience murmured some more.
"Okay," said Roberto. "Brace yourself!"
He and Kurt picked up a total of two dozen swords and stuck it through the box from all four sides.
Kitty didn't feel a thing, since she was phasing the whole time.
"Now, I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto, and my faithful assistant Kurt will take out the swords. And we will open the door to show you the girl once again," said Roberto. He and Kurt removed the swords and opened the door to Kitty's smiling face.
The audience gave them a standing ovation.
"Thank you, thank you," said Roberto. Kurt hid behind him. "If you really enjoyed the show please show how much you appreciated it by placing some money in your cup holder. Someone will be around to pick up the money."
"And for my final trick," said Roberto. "I will do like my ancestor Houndini and I, the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto, will disappear." Then Kurt teleported them offstage.
"How did he do it?" exclaimed Kitty. "I was right here!"
(-strawberrie-)
"Now it's our turn," said Wanda. She and John were backstage, Rogue was behind them, putting different colored glitter in different test tube like containers.
"Kiss for luck?" said John as he turned to face her.
Wanda eyed his outfit first. "Have I told you how much I love this outfit?" she asked him. He was wearing a tight, black, sleeveless shirt that showed off his muscles and black pants with fire starting from the bottom seam. He had on a black headband with fire that held his hair out of his eyes.
"Every day since we started this luv," said John. He grinned and kissed her. After the kissing continued for another five minutes Rogue stopped them.
"Okay, enough," said Rogue. "Ah knew ah should have stayed ta make soah that ya actually appear foah yahre show."
Wanda and John stopped and glared at Rogue.
"Yeah, yeah, ah love ya too," said Rogue.
"Y' cheatin' on Remy chere?" asked Remy as he appeared backstage.
"Nevah," said Rogue as she went in Remy's arms and they started to make out.
"Okay, enough!" said Wanda. Rogue glared at her while Wanda grinned back.
"Announce me," said John.
Rogue rolled her eyes while Remy grabbed the microphone.
"Presenting," said Remy. He paused dramatically and wriggled his eyebrows at Rogue. "The great," He paused again. "Pyro."
John walked onto the stage while the audience clapped enthusiastically.
Remy put down the microphone and walked over to Rogue, wriggling his eyebrows again.
"'ow was dat chere?" said Remy, grinning.
Rogue stared at him as if she didn't know who she was. "Are ya on crack?" she asked.
Remy grinned broadly. "'Course not!" he said.
(-strawberrie-)
"Presenting, my beautiful assistant, Scarlett," said John on stage. Wanda walked on stage, waving at the audience. She was dressed in a tight fitting, red, glittery halter-top that showed her stomach and matching tight pants.
John stared at her as she walked. The desire to forget everything and fuck Wanda right here, on the stage, in front of everyone was so strong he forgot everything else.
"JOHN!" screamed Rogue from backstage.
"Er, right," said John. "I, Pyro, with the help of my lovely, sexy, beautiful, alluring, desirable, seductive, charming, graceful, enchanting, exquisite, gorgeous, ravishing, radiant-"
"John if you don't stop-!" screamed Rogue again.
"Yes, right," said John. "Will…" his voice lowered dramatically. "…Play with fire."
Remy pressed a button backstage and fire shot up from two sides of the stage, and disappeared.
"Now," said John. "Scarlett, my lovely, sexy, beautiful, alluring, desirable, seductive, charming, graceful, enchanting, exquisite, gorgeous, ravishing, radiant-"
"John," warned Rogue.
John sighed dramatically. "Yes mother," he said.
"WHAT?" Rogue screeched. She appeared on stage, grabbed John and dragged him off stage where she issued whatever punishment she thought was dire enough.
Wanda sighed. "He'll be back in a few seconds," she said. "One…two…three…"
"Excuse the interruption!" said John. He adjusted his shirt, which was slightly askew, as he walked back on stage. He tried to look for his headband, but gave up after a few seconds, not finding it.
"Now, Scarlett, the magical glitter, if you please," said John.
Wanda went backstage and brought out a cart with different colored glitter in the test tubes.
"Thank you," said John. They walked towards the back of the stage where twenty small piles of wood were laying.
"First," said John as he turned to the audience. "Unless you are a certified Pyro," John showed them a home made card with a crude crayon drawing of him and 'Certified Pyro' written on it in crayon. "Then don't attempt anything you see here. Second, if the fire gets too out of hand, the sprinklers will come on. Umbrellas are placed under your seat if that happens."
"Now, Scarlett," said John. "If you will light up that pile of wood." Wanda used a match and lit up the wood. "Now, put the red magical glitter in the fire." Wanda did and it made a small explosion in the fire. "Now I will say the magic words, 'Holy Fire' and it will turn into a tree." He paused.
"HOLY FIRE!" he screamed and shaped the fire into a tree. The audience gasped in surprise and started to applaud. John extinguished the fire, making it look as if the tree ate itself.
For the next hour John proceeded to make bunnies, unicorns, tigers, flowers, chairs, and other random objects, to the amusement of the crowd.
"And now, for my final trick, I shall make my lovely, sexy, beautiful, alluring, desirable, seductive, charming, graceful, enchanting, exquisite, gorgeous, ravishing, radiant-" He paused, listening for Rogue's scream. He shrugged when he didn't hear it.
"Probably making out with Remy," he whispered to Wanda. "-stunning, dazzling, divine, angelic, well, maybe not angelic, assistant Scarlett, out of fire!"
"What?" asked Wanda.
"Trust me," John whispered to her. He raised his voice so that the audience could hear.
"Get the remains of all the glitter and put it in this last fire," said John.
Eyebrow raised, Wanda did as told.
"Now, carefully, step into the fire," said John. The audience gasped in horror, but Wanda knew John would keep her safe. She stepped into the fire and it grew immediately as if it were consuming her. The audience was sitting on the edge of their seats.
"Step out now please," said John.
Wanda stepped out and the audience started clapping.
"Wait!" screamed John and the audience quieted. "It's not over yet." He paused dramatically once more.
"HOLY FIRE!" he screamed and Wanda was made out of the flames, the details there down to the star she had painted on her fingernails.
The audience started applauding wildly.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" said John. "Show your appreciation by leaving an even bigger donation than the one you left for the great Houndini's son's, daughter's, fiancé's, husband's, wife's, granddaughter's, son's, sister's thrice removed's, brother's, cousin's wife's, sister's, friend's, friend of a friend's, sister's twice removed's, second cousin's, nephew, Roberto, and his faithful assistant Kurt." John huffed.
"Stupid Roberto," he said. "He loves Kitty more than me." He crossed his arms and stalked off the stage.
(-no more strawberries-)
Laughs hysterically. I LOVED writing this chapter. It made me laugh sooo much. Where do I come up with this stuff?