4.
Connie sat pensive in the brooding silence ensuing in the car, a letter clasped in her hands, nervously fingering the new seal. The letter was destined for Holby, for Ric, the one promise she'd made to him was to write, keep in contact. She'd loosely forgotten the idea until last night when she'd discovered Michael pants down, much to her own disgust. Neither one of them were wanting to break the silence, Connie because it wasn't her place to, Michael not wishing to rub her up the wrong way anymore. Coward. He knew nothing of what secrets lay within that letter, he knew nothing of Ric, nothing of the life she'd led before London, nothing about her in general really, yes he knew the basics about her, more intricate details of her body but he wasn't aware that his latest foolish move being written down on paper, about to be opened up;
Dear Ric,
Bit formal that isn't it, excuse my ramblings, bit of a novice at writing a letter like that I guess; bear with me. Well a lot has happened since I moved here, nothing to surprise any of us really; he went and screwed my registrar in my hospital on my turf, bastard. God that feels good, too good. That's possibly me being a bit too frank, but anyway I will move on. I hope Holby is still doing ok without me, I don't just mean the hospital for once in my life but that too. I miss it you know, I miss our little meet ups, I miss just seeing you everyday, I miss the fact we aren't together, I miss you. London life is ok but I feel kind of insignificant, perhaps it's a good thing for the power crazy Mrs B perhaps not. And to make matters worse I think Michael is getting broody, he has a room set aside for a nursery and everything, what part of no kids does that man not understand, I guess I am starting to regret my move here, I know he is my husband, I know I love him, well of sorts and I know I need to fulfil my duty as a wife to him but my heart is somewhere else, not London. Anyway for my first attempt I'll say its not bad going and leave you with that I have the joys of a conversation-less journey to work to endure, who knows what surprises will be waiting for me there.
Connie xxx
P.s if you smell it you'll find something you like.
"Connie please say something" Michael sighed as they continued into work the silence still hanging over the car like the adultery which had caused it, despite Michael's frustration Connie wasn't about to open up to him, it had happened too many times for her to attempt to put the pieces back together. A broken vase never looks good again… ever "Oh come on you know I'm feeling bad about it, stupid mistake that will never happen again, I promise" snagging his hand in hers as they crossed the busy road afore the hospital
"Not now Michael, please," Connie protested dragging her hand away and striding forward leaving him stood alone on the pavement. Astonished. Her reaction was definitely not one she'd seen before
"Mrs Beauchamp, we have an urgent case which I think you need to look at," Julia called, as Connie was just about to reach her office door and the sanctuary it beheld, sighing Connie strode back up the corridor following the sister into the side room where an older teenager was sat, her auburn hair floating out in disorganised ringlets, hemmed in by the oxygen prongs being thrust under her nose.
"Isla?" Connie was shocked; three years ago she'd waved the girl off at Great Ormond Street hospital, bound for Aberdeen.
"Mrs B" the teen smiled softly "didn't think you'd be my doctor this time around" the effects of her condition were clearly taking their toll as she continued to struggle for breath
"I didn't think I'd be seeing you here again, I thought you were happy in Scotland" Connie immediately felt herself relax, she'd always secretly looked forward to seeing Isla, one of her more feisty patients
"Aberdeen doesn't have the same calibre of night life Mrs B"
"Well I hope you haven't been drinking, does nothing for your meds, I take it from these preliminary results we have another famous Isla chest infection" Connie smiled, scribbling something on the notes before setting them down on the side, parking herself on the end of the bed
"You could say that, I've been off cylinder 02 and managing with plenty of exercise and physiotherapy until yesterday, bloody cough"
"Glad to hear it, and where would the parents be?"
"Down in the café hopefully having a stress free coffee" Isla was clearly about to roll her eyes in conclusion to her comment when a suffocating cough got the better of her
"Take it easy now, you aren't superwoman," Connie told her charge cautiously, not unlike herself Isla was strong minded and about to take advice from no one
"I know I know but some kef and met wouldn't go a miss right now, this is a bad one I can tell"
"Yeah it looks that"
"Enough of me, how have you been, loved London too much as well" Isla teased, bringing the subject round to something that always made Connie squirm, this she knew
"Far from it Michael, I mean Mr B came down to fill a post here and wanted me by his side and I couldn't refuse"
"So still no mini Beauchamp's then" Isla smiled just as Connie was about to tell her off for being nosy, but then their last meeting had flooded her mind, Isla had told her kids would be the best move possible for Connie, no matter what she wanted
"You know there never will be, now I'm going to get one of my fine nurses to sort you out with some meds and send you down to X ray and possibly CT if you can stand it" Connie could hear Isla stifle a groan, "I'll be back to check on you later, I would say take it easy but I won't waste my breath"
"Just did" Isla replied as Connie retreated from the room finding Michael stood at the desk talking away to some ditzy nurse,
"Isla McKenzie in room 2 needs a kef and met drip, a CT, X-ray and an ECG, oh and give RT a call she will need some physio, I will check back later" with that Connie stormed off up the corridor, unwilling to discuss niceties with anyone today of all days. Hearing the thunderous footsteps of Michael following her up the corridor stopping abruptly as she slammed her door tight shut, thrusting her belongings across the desk in a flurry of rage, with no clue where it had come from. Apart from Michael's clear flirtations and only a day later, the fact one of her favourite CF patients, if she had such a thing, was ailing and more ill than she was letting on and the fact Ric still played so heavily on her mind, the combination was quite possibly lethal.
It wasn't until a near the end of the shift that anyone dared disturb Connie, for the fear of being sacked on the spot, gossip had been spreading like wild fire and people were beginning to talk, a dangerous act in itself. The light inconsequential knock at the door broke Connie from her latest proposal
"Sorry to disturb you Mrs B but I thought you better take a look at this, it's the CF patient in room 2's x-ray results" Sarah mumbled, busying herself with putting the film onto the light box at the back of the office
"That patient has a name y'know" Connie remarked, standing up and stretching lightly
"Yes well, it looks like the infection is spreading extremely quickly and the ECG isn't stable, if you ask me I think she needs to get a transplant as soon as possible"
"Oh really and you would have looked at her notes and found out that this patient, Isla her name is, categorically doesn't want to go on the list, it was a choice she made years ago, we will do a lobe resection for the time being, but please be careful with this one" Connie's voice was full of weathered warnings
"Do you want me to tell her?" Sarah asked tentatively, Connie's attachment to the teen evident
"No, no its ok, you need to be getting on with other things, I don't suppose your astute friend has turned up has she"
"If you mean Miss Sherrard, she and I swapped shifts I work this week and she works next, I'm off on holiday with Nick and she wants to keep a low profile for some reason" Sarah was clearly oblivious to the gossip, a good thing in Connie's eye, the fewer close colleagues who knew, the better. With that the busy doctor bustled out of the room and left Connie to collect her thoughts, things in life were never simple
"Isla can I come in" Connie asked as she opened the door to the side room, waiting for the cheerful nod of approval before stepping into the room, Isla's parents sat nervously beside the bed "the results do indeed show a major chest infection which needs more than medication I'm afraid, it would be easiest if we take you into theatre and remove the infected tissue"
"Just what I need, another operation" Isla rolled her eyes, a front she always put on, it was only on the odd occasion that Connie dared interrupt her alone that she realised quite how fragile she really was
"It will make you feel a lot better, I hate to bring it up again but have you had any further thoughts on transplants, it would be the answer to all our problems" Isla's mum was about to speak when her daughter cut in
"Connie, you know that I do not want a transplant so don't even suggest it"
"But it could give you another ten years"
"Or it could give me a few months of being cooped up in ITU with no chance of surviving, I'd prefer to fight this battle on my own" Isla could see her parents sadness, they had always pushed for her to have a transplant, to have their daughter for longer, even if it was only a few months but Isla had disagreed from the outset, she'd made friends in hospital, friends who had CF, who had had a transplant and died, she'd made her mind up long ago it wasn't going to happen to her.
"Isla please, it could give you more time"
"Mum, no, we've been over this time and time again I am not having a transplant, please try to understand" Connie was beginning to regret ever bringing the idea up, had she not heard Isla mutter the words "go home and see the others" she would have upped and left but she waited until Mr and Mrs McKenzie shuffled out of the room
"They mean well" Connie smiled slouching into the chair
"I know, their my parents, the love me, blah, blah, blah, Mrs B you are turning into every other doctor I have met, I just want them to understand I don't want to have a transplant, I don't want to go like that"
"Go like what?"
"Like heaps of other people with CF, they all get a transplant and keel over a few years later with heart failure, I just don't want it"
"I know you don't and I think it's an extremely brave decision, your parents are just hurting themselves, you are one heck of a personality and too loose you will be upsetting for them, they just want to spend as much time as they can with you, its not wrong is it, they are just as scared as you are"
"I'm not scared" Isla protested vehemently though clearly disagreeing with her own statement
"You and I both know you are terrified but its perfectly understandable, I wouldn't be as strong as you are"
"It's not about being strong though is it, it's about surviving, I wouldn't call myself strong"
"If I didn't know how old you were I'd say you were 90 with that kind of statement" Connie joked lightly, hurting herself, knowing it broke every rule in the book to get attached to a patient but finding it helpful for her too.
"Pfft, isn't he waiting for you?" Isla teased pointing to Michael waiting at the nurses' station, Connie hadn't dawned on the fact her shift was nearly over and she was off home for another round of disagreement, rather guilty silences that were haunting their new home, distasting the fresh start they'd given themselves, his doing.
"Yes but he can wait a little longer the fool" Connie smiled, realising he was in the midst of letting her letter to Ric slip into the outbox tray.
"What has he been up to now?"
"The usual, two weeks I have been back and he goes and does the dirty right here, the man has no morals" Connie could feel the tone of her voice regressing to her teenage years, the tone that you get when talking to friends,
"Then why are you still married to the man," Isla questioned casually, but it meant more to Connie, precisely what was the reason for her being with Michael still, Ric was the better option, he loved her, Michael liked her, or at least used to, it was more convenience really, neither one wanted to go through the hassle of divorce and neither wanted to face awkward questions of separation, to be together made sense, but each knew the other strayed, so why was she hurting so much over this slip of the belt so to speak
"I really don't know anymore but that's an entirely different story, I'll take a leaf out of your book and forgive him this time, its getting late and you need to rest I will see you bright and early tomorrow, sleep well"
"Not possible, you know to follow your heart Connie, its what's best," Isla said as Connie moved off towards the door, looking back briefly before going over to Michael
"It's been a long day, take me home" she sighed, letting him put a cautious arm around her, its was a strange move for Connie but then again the lack of arguing had also surprised him, was it all about to change?