Author's Notes: Set four years after 'Becoming' part two. Buffy ran away, and didn't come back. Now, four years later, she's about to be reminded of who and what she really is.

Rating: PG-13. Language and strong themes. Sorry, kiddies.

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognise is mine. Don't sue, please.

Feedback: Very welcome. Constructive criticism is welcome; flames will be used to help me toast marshmallows.

Chapter notes: Thanks for all your lovely reviews. I'm currently stuck at home with a 'flu-like virus and have no voice, so I'm writing a fair bit. Two chapters in the last two days, go me! So I'm twelve chapters ahead of what I've posted onto I'll try to keep updates more regular.

Chapter Twenty: Conversation

"It's just…so weird."

Willow nodded. She, Xander and Giles had gathered in the Summers' kitchen. It was nearly two in the morning, and Buffy and Spike had yet to return. Everyone else was asleep, or pretending to be.

"I know," she confirmed. "I mean, Dawnie…she's older than we are now, and that's…"

"Rather difficult to get one's head around," Giles confirmed. "She's changed…well, not overnight, but in the space of a few hours from our perspective. She's grown up."

"I like her hair," Willow commented randomly. "It's short, and…spiky."

"Only with hair gel," Xander pointed out. "Yesterday when she came through that portal, it was kinda fluffy." He reached over and grabbed a handful of cookies. "But Buffy…"

"Yes. Buffy." Giles took a cookie himself, but didn't eat it. "I was prepared for a change in her…we've all changed, and four years is a long time, relatively speaking, but I hadn't expected…"

"None of us expected," Willow nodded. "I mean…fifty-three years in a hell dimension?" She shook her head. "I can't imagine…I don't want to imagine."

"She's changed so much," Xander muttered. "She looks different, she acts different…"

"Well, part of that is us, of course," Giles pointed out. "We've changed. We remember her as a seventeen year old, through the eyes we had then. But she's a grown woman; she has children and even grandchildren. She must have seen and heard unspeakable torments in the hell dimension. We can't possibly expect her to be the same."

"Parts of me are."

The three in the kitchen turned to see Buffy leaning against the kitchen doorpost. "I'm not so different," she continued, moving into the kitchen. "Ooh, cookies!" She slid onto the vacant stool and grabbed a cookie. "Mm, chocolate." She closed her eyes for a moment in bliss. "You have no idea how much I missed chocolate." She opened her eyes and looked bashfully at the three. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Xander dismissed. "We'd all be the same."

Buffy gave a surprised smile. "Xander. You've grown up so much." She frowned. "Although I guess that's pretty much a duh."

"Pretty much," Willow nodded, obvious uncomfortable. Buffy gazed at her for a moment, then sighed.

"This is weird," she observed. "Maybe…maybe this wasn't such a good idea…" She rose. "I should…go. Let you guys talk."

"No," Xander said quickly. "No, stay. Join in the group thing." He met her eyes hesitantly. "Like it used to be."

Buffy managed a smile. "I seem to recall us hanging out as a group often entailed demons and research."

"Not always," Willow defended their past staunchly. "Ooh, there was that time with the…um. And the thing with the…" She trailed off. "Okay, mostly demons and research, but there were other times. Fun times."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. Torture, death, and mayhem."

"And all-night research parties," Xander pointed out.

"With donuts," Buffy remembered. "Giles always used to steal all the jellies." She smiled at her former Watcher – or was he still her Watcher? She wasn't sure.

"How much do you remember?" Giles inquired softly. She shrugged.

"Bits and pieces. It…I dunno. The important stuff, I guess, if you can call anything that." She took another cookie and began the process of breaking it into crumbs. "I remember…the high school. Some of it. And…and mom, and hyena-possessed Xander, and dancing at the Bronze, and Angel, and fighting Spike, and Xander getting me the rocket launcher, and Miss Calendar, and more Angel…" Her voice trailed off. "I guess you figured out why I left. After Angel came back. With his soul." She looked up at Willow. "Even then, you had so much power. I can feel it, now – the Rakeshia blood…Ethan's taught me some things, and some things I figured out myself." She paused. "And, um, that was so completely beside the point. Sorry."

"It's fine," Xander dismissed. "You can't just not talk about sixty years of your past when you're talking to us, Buffy." He frowned. "Annie."

Buffy shrugged – or as much of a shrug as she could manage with one arm in plaster. "Buffy's fine. I have so many names, it's confusing no matter what."

"How's that?" Xander inquired.

"Huh?"

"How come you have so many names? When you left, you were just Buffy Anne Summers."

Buffy frowned. "Wow. I'd forgotten my middle name." She smiled. "Thanks, Xander." He nodded. "Um, I have so many names because of various things I am. And have been told I am." She frowned. "Not sure that was grammatically correct, but hey, I never finished high school."

"No, 'cos of the whole being expelled thing," Willow nodded. "And then the not coming back thing."

Buffy winced. "Yeah. Um. Well."

"You don't have to explain anything, Buffy," Giles said quietly.

"But I do." She stared at her hands. "I really do. I owe it to you, and to myself." She tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear. "I'm trying to be…more honest with myself about who I am." She looked straight at Giles. "And who I am is sometimes scared. Sometimes can't cope. And doesn't ask for help enough. And ran away from her family without giving them any…" She shook her head. "I was such a silly little child," she muttered scornfully.

"You were a young woman in pain," Giles corrected. "Your reaction was completely understandable."

"Maybe," she whispered. "I was going to come back. I thought…just a little time away, clear my head, get some things sorted…and then I got sucked into hell, and when Ethan pulled us out…I barely remembered you guys. So I didn't know how to come back. How could I come back and be the same person for you? I'd killed my lover. I'd watched my child die. I'd done things…" She broke off. "I'm not the same person. You're right, Giles. I'm not the same. I've changed." She reached across and touched his hand. "But I…I missed you guys. So much."

Willow touched her arm tentatively. "We missed you too, Buffy. We missed you a lot. And we looked for you for so long…I guess we couldn't find you because you were in Ph…that place."

"And Ethan put spells over me to make me untraceable," Buffy added.

Willow blinked. "Right. But we never stopped missing you, Buffy."

"Not for a moment," Xander confirmed. "Not when Willow's evil vampire twin came visiting – "

"Not when the Mayor turned into a snake –"

"Not when there was a secret government operation underneath the university – "

"Not when Faith tried to seduce Angel – "

"Not when Giles slept with Joyce – "

"Giles what with who?" Buffy screeched, a look of disgust and outrage on her face. "Oh Haghd. Oh god. I did not just hear that." She stood up and went to get a glass of water, then paused. "Although on second thoughts, I can't actually talk about sleeping with people…"

"Not from what I hear," Xander said agreeably.

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Coming next chapter:

Angel has a word with Spike.