Disclaimer: Unfortunately I have nothing to do with the production of the Stephanie Plum novels. Sigh
The next morning I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, I managed to make it to the toilet before I tossed my cookies. I stepped under the warm spray of my shower and stayed until the water turned to freezing. I was toweling off from my shower when little pieces of last night began to hit me. My only hope was that the Burg grapevine hadn't caught wind of the latest Stephanie Plum escapade. Shit Morelli would have an aneurysm. And my mom, dear God, I didn't even want to think about it. I slid into my normal jeans and a baby-tee, dropped a couple grapes in Rex's tank, and went of to the bonds office.
As soon as I walked in I spotted Lula and Connie leaning against Vinnie's door in a sad attempt to eavesdrop. Either the President of the United States was in there, or Ranger, I chose to go with the latter.
"How long's he been in?"
"Bout ten minutes, he was pissed about something. I didn't think Batman could get pissed." Lula.
I walked up to Connie's desk and began shifting through the folders.
"Got anything for me."
Connie slid into her chair and handed me a couple folders.
"Milo Gorbalski wanted for attempted robbery, apparently he accidentally shot himself in the foot while he was waiting in line. You can't actually call that attempted robbery because he didn't even say that whole this is a stick-up bit. What an embarrassment to the Gorbalski name, they spent years of pulling of successful jobs, only to have Milo muck it up." She looked thoughtful for a few moments, and then went back to filing her nails.
Good that meant there was no way I could screw this up, the guy couldn't even run from me. But considering my track record…
"Lula you wanna ride shotgun."
"Do you even gotta ask, I've been dying to test out my new piece." She reached in her bag and pulled out a Lady Smith and Weston. "I got it specifically for this here outfit, gotta accessorize. I got an image to maintain." In her former life Lula had been a hooker, but after she'd been brutalized by Benito Ramirez she turned over a new leaf, unfortunately she still dressed the part. Today she was decked out in a short bright purple mini skirt, with a matching purple halter. She looked like a cross between Barney, and a black Rosie O'Donnell.
"There will be no shooting." I said as firmly as I could.
"That's cool, I brought along my stun gun." She reached in her bag again and produced a stun gun. I was wondering what kind of artillery Lula was packing when the door to Vinnie's door opened a crack, I started walking toward the door.
"Com'on, Lula let's ride." I shot out the door doing my best bat out of hell imitation.
If I didn't know myself any better I would say I was trying to avoid Ranger. Good thing I know myself pretty good.
Lula slid into the jeep a few seconds later.
"Girl what's wrong with you? I think you need some donuts. Your blood sugar's probably screwed up."
I pulled out the parking lot, and looked in my rearview mirror catching a glimpse of Ranger walking out of the bonds office. Sliding my glasses into place I gunned the engine and took off.
"Yeah I think your right, it must be my blood sugar."
Ten minutes later we pulled up to Milo's house. It was in the roughest part of the Burg so I was happy I brought Lula along with me. I stalked up to Milo's house, Lula falling in step behind me, and hammered on the door.
"Bail Bond's office open up." I shouted.
The window shades parted just a bit so I knew he was there.
"Com'on Milo, I know you're in there, open up."
"Go away, stupid Bitch." Came a reply from inside.
I hate when guys call me that.
"That wasn't very nice Milo. Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The hard way being I bust down the door, stun gun you ass until your eyes fry, and drag you to the station like a flopping fish on dry land. What do you say?" I heard the backdoor slam.
I looked at Lula, "Guess we do this the hard way.
We took off toward the back yard. Lula stopped running after a few steps.
"You keep…going girl." Pant. "I'll guard the… front case…he comes this…way"
Milo was hobbling along the yard in a desperate attempt to escape. I almost pitted him. Almost. I caught him in a mid-air leap. We tumbled to the ground, cursing, and rolling around. Finally I gained the upper hand and kneed him in the groin. His struggles immediately halted.
"Let's go." I panted pulling him to his feet, and dragging him to the jeep. Lula opened the backdoor for me and I threw him in.
"Girl, what's wrong with you, you went all Clint Eastwood on me. I thought you were gonna bust a cap in his ass."
"It's that time of the month." I lied.
"Oh that's cool, you wanna drive to the woods. We can tie him to a tree and you can pound on him a little more, you know blow off some steam."
Milo instantly shut up.
A few minutes later I was dragging him in into the police station, and ignoring his whining. I turned him in, and went to the receptionist area to pick up my body receipt.
"Wow look who it is, long time no see." I looked up to see Carl Costanza smiling down at me. "Got any important cases going on, it's been a while since you've blown up any cars, I could use the extra money."
I gave him my best Burg girl glare.
"Thanks for that vote of confidence. Morelli in?"
"Naw he's caught a bitch of a case, so he's pullin overtime."
Behind him I saw his partner Big Dog approaching.
"Hey Steph, when you gonna blow up another car, I need some quick cash."
Another opportunity to use the Burg glare.
"Ha ha you guys are a riot."
I snatched up my receipt and took off before any of Trenton's finest could come up with any more lame jokes. It was dark when I dropped Lula back off and picked up my check. I rode to Pino's figuring no matter how bad my day was. Pino's pizza could cheer me up. It didn't.
I was about halfway through my pizza when none other than Joe Morelli walked in…followed by Terri Gillman. My radar when into full alert, but I ducked my head behind the menu so they wouldn't notice me. As they walked by I heard a bit of their conversation.
"Cupcake, I won't be able to see you tomorrow, I've got plans." Morelli
That's when I began to see red, not only was he cheating on me, but he had the nerve to call her Cupcake. Instead of listening to my inner Stephanie and pulling out my gun and unloading the clip into Morelli, I waited until they were done eating and followed them. Right to the Star-side Hotel. The tears began to form, but I refused to let them fall just yet. It's pretty much written in the Burg's copy of The Rules of Engagement handbook never to let the enemy see you cry. And Morelli had just made his way to the top of my enemy list.
I waited until they walked to their room before I jumped out the jeep. I stood outside listening to the moaning and creaking of the bed before I finally reacted. I knocked loudly on the door and in my best Spanish accent called out.
"Excuse me, Senor, there is a problem with your car."
After a few moments the door opened and Joe stared back at me. I pushed the door open wider and looked at Terry who was sprawled across the bed, naked beneath the covers. Finally I looked back at Joe.
"You lyingcheatingsonovabitch" I slapped him hard across the face.
He just stood there looking at me blankly with his mouth gapping open. I turned on my heel and stalked off to my jeep. Joe caught up with me before I made it to my jeep.
"Look Cupcake I can explain." I whirled around to face him.
"Don't you ever call me that again." I was tempted to slap him again, but he wasn't even worth it.
I tried to turn around again, but Joe grabbed my arm.
"Please don't do this."
"No, let me go." I said through clenched teeth.
"No Cupcake, I can explain, please."
"Fine Joseph, explain." I waited a few moments while Joe just stared down at his bare feet.
"Great explanation." I turned around again. Then as an afterthought I whirled back around and kneed him in the groin. He went down like a sack of bricks.
"I told you not to call me Cupcake again."
When I sped out of the parking lot he was still crouched over on the asphalt groaning.
A/N: Thanx for the reviews. Ya'll sure know how to make a girl blush