Groggy, unable to open my heavy, heavy eyelids.
Where am I?
I hear you laugh, that condescending bark of a laugh. The one that I know too well.
After all, only I can make you laugh like that.
You always tell me, "Kid, can't no one make me laugh like you do. You'd make the Devil piss hisself, I kow ya could." And then you'd laugh, thinking yourself to be the funniest person alive.
But you're not...
My eyes are almost open, I can't seem to get them up all the way. But it doesn't matter. I know that you won't do anything to me.
We're brothers... right...?
"Kid, you've gotta learn this sometime. Ain't no one going to help you. Even those of us who're closer'n shit to ya. We all fuck up. And this'll be yer lesson. Don't forget it Kid, cos I don't wanna teach it twice."
And with that, you sit in the chair in the corner, and you wave your hand. I can just make out the man you're waving at.
Tall, big. A john, hassta be.
"This ain't gonna hurt, purty... Ain't gonna hurt me one bit." He laughed. A cold, creul laugh. Not like yours, yet not unlike yours.
I'm starting to realize where this is headed, and I really don't like it.
"Solo... Sol, 'm sorry 'bout yesterday. But they was too big, too many. I'm still learnin', Sol. C'mon, I ain't never gonna ask for help never again. Just please, Sol, stop this."
You just look at me, a grin on your face, a sadness in your eyes.
"Nope Kid, you gotta learn..."
The 'Sorry' that you never said is still hanging in the air, stagnant and a pale shadow of what it's worth.
You know I love you.
You're my family.
Why Solo?
The look in your eyes... I know that look.
It's the look you get when y'know you're going... You just want me to know that you ain't gonna be around forever.
"Solo! Solo I know, just please, please!"
I don't beg. You know that.
I can feel the ropes at my wrists now, smell the alcohol on his breath as he looks at me.
I still can't seem to focus on the here and now, caught in my head. Thinking about better times. And just like that, I'm thrown headfirst into complete conciousness as I feel his hands all over me.
On my chest, on my thighs...
Everywhere...
Lay still, still as a corpse. Don't talk, don't breathe , don't move.
Don't think.
Never, ever, ever think.
He's laughing still, undoing his belt. The zipper makes such a loud noise, the rest of the world has gone into an uncomfortable buzzing.
Hands, rough, large, and invasive.
There's no preperation, no care, nothing.
Just one swift stroke, and I scream.
I let out one high, unbroken scream as he enters, and as he starts to move.
But I know what to do now, I know what Solo wants, and I won't give it to him.
I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me beg for mercy, cry, crying for help. No. I'm stronger than he knows.
I start to moan.
Forget... Forget about the absolute pain, the sheer overwhelming PAIN.
Move, make it good.
They always pay more when it's good.
Moan, and writhe, and look the part.
After all, I am a whore, a human slave, pimped out by my only family.
Betrayed.
But I will not let him have his satisfaction.
I arch off the bed, wrapping my legs around the man's hips, pulling him closer, deeper.
And it hurts so bad.
He wraps a harsh hand around me, pulling roughly at the erection I can't feel. He climaxes, shouting.
I climax, screaming out, "Yes!"
Just like you taught me; Foxy, Amber, Janna, Heather...
Solo...
And he's spent, and I let go, fading in and out for a few moments, blocking out the intense pain from my lower body.
My panting is harsh, the sobs that are trying to come through are chocking me.
But boys don't cry, remember Solo?
That was the first lesson.
Boys never cry.
Even when you're alone, even when you're being gang-raped.
Especially when you're being gang raped. Never call for help, never think that anyone will come to help you. That's the lesson of the day.
"Happy now?"
I never could keep my mouth shut.
"I didn't wanna, Kid. I really didn't."
I find that truely hilarious. I think I'm laughing.
"You just watched a guy rape me. You just TOLD him to RAPE ME. And you try to tell me you didn't wanna? Fuck you Solo, fuck you just like I was." I spit out the blood where I bit my cheek trying to not cry out.
He runs a hand through my sweaty bangs, his eyes glistening with those tears he'll never shed.
"Thas right, Kiddo. I'm not always gonna be able to save you. No one will. Because no one cares about a whore. No one fucking cares if they live or if they die. And you can't let them know how much it hurts."
I think I'm laughing again.
"You can't rape the willing, that's the motto. And for enough money, we're always willing."
Yup, laughing.
You smack me, jolting me from my hysterical laughing.
The sadistic ones want to hear you scream, and the ones who just don't care want to hear you scream. The pain is what it's about, but if you don't show the pain, then they won't try it again.
At least, that's how it's supposed to go.
"Solo, help me up. I'm gonna kick you ass later, when I can actually beat you. Now get me up."
You're laughing, untying the ropes.
I hate you.
I love you.
That blank look in my eyes? That's for you. That's where you used to be. Where you used to be the best, the one I looked up to.
Now, I won't ever see you the same. I'll always love you, but I'll never trust you ever again.
Trust is hard-earned on the streets, and you just lost four years of it in one fell swoop.
"You're starting at zero again..." I whisper. I know you hear, but you won't ask.
I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about anyways.
Yeah... so this sucks, and I don't know why I wrote it, or why I posted it here. Oh well...