Chapter 4
To Touch What Is Frozen…
Based on characters created by and copyright by GAINAX.
It had been a week since the Fifth Angel attacked and Hikari had barely caught a glimpse of Shinji in that time. The only time she did was the fleeting moments when they would see each other in passing at Nerv. He looked different than he did before the angel attack; less real somehow. He hadn't been in class for days and now she had been given the task of bringing him the class work he had missed.
Now she was here, standing in front of his residence, trying to decide if she wanted to really be here. The look in his eyes the last few days was still fresh in her mind; the empty distant gaze, the lifelessness of them, and the look in them when he first saw her again, her skin still a pinkish rue from the attack. Her arms and legs a reminder to him and he looked at them as if he had failed somehow. After that, he avoided her as if trying to escape the reminder that she brought to him.
The sound of the bell echoed in the apartment as she pressed the doorbell; the soft chime whispering through the door as she waited silently for the answer. When the door finally opened she was greeted by a tipsy Misato Katsuragi…
"Well if it isn't our newest little pilot. What can I do for you Miss Horaki?" the woman asked her words slightly slurred by her mildly drunken state.
"Um… I came to drop off Shinji's missed work."
She froze in place as the woman leaned in close, her face nearly touching her own. She could see the slightly glassy look in her eyes as the older woman starred back at her.
"Came here to see your little boyfriend, have we?" Misato teased her with a cheshire cat grin on her face.
"What… no … I… I just came by to deliver his missed work, that's all." She replied, shocked by the brash comment. 'Maybe' her mind wondered as the image of her and Shinji flashed in her mind's eye, seeded by the woman in front of her.
Misato watched the girl in front of her for a moment, as the comment about being his girlfriend made her stammer and then blush as the thought took root in her mind. As his guardian, she was well aware of the unusual connection to him that Hikari and he had after her fist encounter with his Eva. The fact that she had made such a strong connection to both Shinji and his Eva was the one of the main reasons she had been chosen as his back up pilot. Ritsuko had reminded her on a few occasions recently of the mental backwash that was part of piloting the Eva's. Thus armed with this knowledge, Misato had tried teasing Shinji in a bit of fun, but in his present state he never really took the bait like he used to. She was glad to see her skills were still as sharp as ever as she brought them to bear on the young woman in front of her.
"Well don't just stand there!" Misato said, playing the part of the agitated drunk watching, as the girl before her was drawn from her day dreaming and digested the idea of being his girlfriend; her cheeks a filling with a faint rosy hue.
'His girlfriend' Hikari thought as she entered the captain's home. It was not at all an unpleasant idea to her. She knew Shinji was a gentle caring person; not only from his memories, but from being in the same class as him and before he started to really change.
"Shinji!" Misato yelled. "You have a guest!" she finished before turning towards Hikari again. "Now you two love birds play nice now." She whispered to her before walking back towards the kitchen, laughing softly to herself a she went.
"Sometimes there are people who can't exist without another…" whispered Hikari, as her mother's long forgotten words took the forefront of her mind. 'Maybe that's what he needs? Maybe it's all he's ever needed.' She considered.
"How can I help you Miss Horaki?" Shinji asked, pulling her out of her silent consideration.
"I brought over the class work you've missed this week." She said, reaching her arms out and offering the small stack of pages and note books to him. Her eyes catching a brief glimmer of something in his eye before it faded.
- - -
As Shinji looked at her, he couldn't help but notice the injury to her out stretched arms. 'It's your fault Shinji! Look what happened to me because of YOU! He could almost hear her say.
"You don't need to concern your self about that Miss Horaki, I will not be returning" said Shinji missing the saddened look that washed over her face.
"You're going to class Shinji, I'll make that an order if I have too" warned Misato from the other room
He mentally groaned as he heard her. What was the point now? His only purpose was to pilot Eva. This point delivered all the way home by those around him, after all this is all he was. What was the point of gathering knowledge that which would have no barring on his ability to pilot and would limit the time he could spend further training. After all, this is all they wanted him to do, right?
As he reached out to grab the reoffered items, his finger tips brushed against the soft sensitive skin on the top of her hands and Hikari's already rosy cheeks deepened in color at the innocent touch.
'Why's she blushing?' 'Cause she embarrassed to be touched by someone like you that's why!' 'This pretty girl is blushing at us?' He thought as his old and new selves fought inside his mind. Shinji though never showed any outward sign as his face remained static.
"I could help you go over it so you'll be ready for class on Monday." Hikari volunteered cheerfully. Her face beaming as she did so.
"I don't thi…"
"That sounds like a good idea." Misato said, cutting in. "That way your both prepared and you're following Ritsuko's advice."
"Well there you go Shinji, two birds with one stone." Hikari said cheerfully, in support of the idea.
"Alright, let's begin then." Shinji replied before turning and walking towards the living room.
'Yes!' thought Hikari as she followed after him.
In the other room, a grin grew over the face of Misato Katsuragi as she watched to two teens walk by. "Am I good or what?" she whispered to the warm water penguin looking up at her.
"Wark" replied Pen Pen as he looked up at his mistress. 'Right' he thought silently as he turned and walked back to his own little apartment.
- - -
Hikari was surprised at the rate of progress they made as they literally ran through the work that Shinji had missed. She was impressed at how fast he was able to acquire the new information. At the rate he was going he'd be caught up by the end of the night, but it was how he went about it that worried her the most. It was so lifeless, even his answers to the assigned questions where devoid of any hint at the writer's personality. No sign of the boredom or contempt you'd expect from someone given work that was this easy for them. The wording and writing looked and read like it had been done by machine. Even as he explained things that she wasn't a hundred percent sure of, it was like listening to a robot describe art or music.
It pained her to see him acting this way. She could still remember clearly the playfulness he had showered the young dieing girl with. The simple and good-natured things he'd done for her; putting her in stitches one moment and then making her feel like the characters in one of the books he'd read to her. Seeing her shiver slightly as frightening part of the story filled her minds eye, watching as she blushed as a romantic scene enveloped her. He'd been so full life then, but the events of his life since then had turned that once bright flame into an ember flickering in the nights wind.
She was a little surprised when a small clock began to chime, telling all who heard it's melody that it was six at night. Hikari looked up and out the window across from them a little startled. She hadn't noticed that it was getting so late and her father and sisters are probably worried sick about her by now.
Hikari was debating whether to not to tell Shinji that she needed to head home when he surprised her by standing and making his way to the kitchen suddenly.
After a moments pause, she had found herself following him and made her way to the apartment's kitchen. Tentatively, she peered around the corner as she heard someone moving about busying themselves with preparing a meal. With her vision now unobstructed she watched as Shinji went about gathering the needed ingredients from various places. Hikari could also see the boy's guardian working silently at the table with various papers scattered across it.
"Miss Katsuragi would it be alright if I called home?" Hikari asked meekly.
"Hmm… yes of course, go ahead." the woman replied using her pen to point towards the phone, her eyes never leaving the papers in her hand.
"Thank you ma'am."
Hikari dialed the number carefully, watching Shinji and listening as the phone rang before her older sister answered. When Kodama picked up the phone, Hikari trying to focus her attention in talking with her sister and turned her back to the pair as they went about their work in the kitchen. She could almost see her sister's wicked smile as Hikari told her where she had been all afternoon.
"Oh… spending some time at your little boyfriends house today Hikari?" teased her sister.
"It's… it's not like that. I was just helping him caught up on his studies, that's all." She said nervously her checks burning at her sister implication.
"Ah-hmm, and what your you two studying I wonder." Her sister said mockingly "Biology maybe." The elder Horaki teased.
"Kodama!" said Hikari, her voice rising slightly catching the attention of Misato who raised an eye brow. Hikari's ear was filled with the sound of her sister laughing.
"What? Alright. Here's father." Kodoma said into the phone, her voice carrying a hint of amusement.
She listened as her father asked her where'd she been and why she had not contacted them sooner. After pressing her for an answer, he asked to speak with the boy's guardian.
"Um… Miss Katsuragi, my father wants to speak with you." Hikari told the woman as she offered her the phone.
Taking the phone from her, Misato looked at the young girl with a hint of annoyance on her face, making Hikari totally miss the look of amusement in her eyes.
"Katsuragi here… No sir, she's been here all afternoon… Yes, I've been here as well… No sir, he's been at NERV all this week and she brought over the work he had missed and offered to help him get caught up… No sir it's no trouble at all… Yes that would be fine… Yes she's welcome to stay for dinner if that's alright with you… Yes sir I'll make sure she gets home before then… Oh, and while I have you, we will need to borrow her next weekend…No sir just NERV business… Around early to midday Monday at the latest… I'm sorry sir I'm not authorized to say at this time."
Hikari stood there quietly listening as she tried not to pry as Misato spoke with her father. Hikari's eyes followed Shinji as she waited patiently. She watched as he boiled noodles while preparing the squid and prawns; her eyes following the smooth and fluid motions as he prepared the nightly meal almost not noticing that Misato had finished with the phone.
"Shinji, Miss Horaki will be joining us tonight." She told him.
"Yes ma'am." He said before gathering the extra ingredients needed before continuing where he had left off.
"Your father said it would be alright for you to stay a few hours longer if you like, but he wants you to call next time you stay out this long." Misato told her as she hung up the phone.
"Thank you ma'am."
"It's no trouble and since you're both here, I will tell you now. Next Friday we will be leaving at zero nine hundred. We will be heading to meet the North Atlantic fleet which is transporting Unit 02 from Germany. In addition to the third Evangelion, we will also be receiving an additional pilot. Shinji, Hikari you will be joining me. It'll take a few hours to get to the naval base where we will be switching to a helicopter for the last leg of the trip, which will take three hours. So bring something to do or read. It'll be a long trip." She informed them.
"Yes ma'am." Replied the two.
The smell and sound of the squid & prawns filled Hikari's senses as he placed them into the wok. The sound of the meat as it began to sizzle filled her ears, the scent of the seafood cooking, filled her nose and reminded her how hungry she was.
Taking a seat, Hikari watched Shinji as he moved around the kitchen. It was something a kin to a treat for her watching someone else cook. Since her mother passed away, she had taken over her mothers duties; mostly in the kitchen as neither her father nor any of her other sisters could cook. While she had a talent for it and enjoyed cooking, it had become more and more of a task for her and had started to lose its appeal. Yet as she sat there and watched as Shinji busied himself, the sights and sounds of the meal he was preparing reminded her how much she really did enjoy cooking.
"It's one of the only things that haven't changed about him since I've known him." Misato told her, her voice just barley audible. "It's the only time he seems to be alive again." Her eyes looking up from her paperwork.
Hikari nodded as he added the vegetables to the food in the wok. His movement losing the mechanical tone to them making him look more alive then he had all afternoon.
"It's almost ready Misato." He said his voice still void of emotion.
Together, the two cleared away the papers, putting them aside. Hikari watched as Shinji added the noodles and last ingredients then helped him set the table. She smiled a little when she saw his face and could almost see that tiny flickering ember grow brighter in his eyes as he went about his task.
'Maybe there's still hope for him.' She thought smiling.
Following Misato's instruction, Hikari sat across from where Shinji would be sitting at the western style table. The pair watched as Shinji placed a warm pad in the middle of the table before setting the food out on a large serving plate so they could each take as much or little as they liked.
"Looks like he's starting to come back to us a little." Misato said, looking right at Hikari. There was a pause as she waited for him to turn away before leaning closer to Hikari. "You're the only one I've heard of that he talks with." A devilish smile crossing her face as she continued. "I think he's taking a shine to you." She added teasing the girl.
Hikari's cheeks burned as the young woman again implied that she was his girlfriend. Not only had the boy's guardian teased her about how open he was to her compared with the others but her own sister thought she had come here to visit her boyfriend. All these implications where starting to get a little embarrassing for her.
'Why not? He's cute, gentle, caring; likes to cook as well and you know more about him then anyone else.' A part of her said. 'And besides if you won't then who will.'
'But …' she began to contest but she knew it was right. Besides, he needed a friend and if something grew between them, then all the better.
'And besides we both know where your imagination brings you when you think of him sometimes.' It teased her with the mental images coming back to her making her shiver a little.
A wicked smile grew across Misato's face as she saw the girl tremble. It was looking more and more like Ritsuko's impression of the girl was right on. She hadn't noticed it herself till Ritsuko had told her, but it looks like her friend was on the money yet again. But would it really play out that way?
The aroma of the freshly cooked food washed over her senses as Hikari placed some of the food onto her plate. The delicious smell of stir-fried vegetables and seafood brought joy to her nose. As the others began eating, she took a little of the food in her chopsticks and brought it to her lips.
As the flavor touched her tongue, Hikari sighed heavenly. 'It's so good.' She thought. Hikari hadn't tasted anything this good in a long time. The way the tastes danced together in her mouth was delightful, and it had the perfect balance of flavors for this type of dish. While she liked Yaki-udon, it had never tasted this good before. He really was a good cook.
They ate quietly as she enjoyed every bite she had put in her mouth. She was even more surprised at how well the dessert he'd made tasted. It had the perfect level of sweetness to it that added to over all experience of the meal; the way it danced on her taste buds and made her tingle inside. It made her wonder that if his cooking was this good before he put himself into his food preparation. Hikari could scarcely imagine what it would be like if he did.
- - -
Hikari and Misato were sitting in the living room chatting while Shinji cleaned up in the kitchen. When they had finished eating, Misato had asked to speak with Hikari in private. Now the pair was sitting discussing a topic Hakari had given much thought to recently.
"Dr. Akagi tells me that she found something most interesting in your last sync test with Unit 01 today." Misato told the young pilot as she idly took a drink from her beer.
"Um… and what would that be Miss Katsuragi?" she said nervously.
"I have a feeling that you already know what I'm referring too Miss Horaki." She started looking to see if Shinji was within earshot. "How you've been syncing to not only the Eva but to its pilot's personality as well. Is that true?"
"I'm … I'm not sure what you mean." Hikari replied, looking away from her.
As the young girl looked up, she could see the intense look in the older woman's eyes as she starred at her a moment before speaking,"You've seen some of his memories haven't you?" her voice caring a sharp edge to it.
Hikari was cornered now. She hadn't said anything out fear of what might happen if she did. But now it looked as if they knew she saw some of Shinji's troubled past. She looked up and watched as Misato leaned towards her from her sitting position across the way from her. Her face hard as stone, eyes boring into hers as if probing her soul.
Her features suddenly became softer as she relaxed again. "There's not much we at NERV can do for him about those things. Then you add to it how others treat him, especially the other students and his co-workers and it's no wonder he's becoming the way he is now." Misato told her, her head dropping as she worked the knots out of her neck before continuing looking up at Hikari as she did. "Although, he seems to open up towards you, so as his guardian I'd like to know what you think about him. If you don't mind? Given your unique insight."
"He … he's so empty inside. Shinji tries to push away all the things that hurt him from his past but they just devour him. He believes that all everyone wants him to do is pilot Eva till he's not useful anymore. He thinks that when that happens you'll throw him away like a broken piece. He thinks everyone looks at him as an unsavory part of the machine one that they'd rather be without but need for the moment. He wants to be useful to someone so much so that nothing else matters to him." She explained.
"I see." Misato replied leaning back, resting against the back of her chair.
"I forgot till a little while ago, but my mother once told me that there are some people that can't exist without another person. I think Shinji's like that."
"So he needs someone to define him. Is what you're saying right?" Misato asked.
"A little. More like he needs something to care for. To help him give himself value and purpose, something other than piloting Eva anyway. Like he did when he would visit that dieing girl when he was growing up."
"Oh... don't think I knew about that." Misato said, listening as Hikari told her about those times. "I see what you mean then."
"By being there for her, Shinji felt he had a value, a purpose in life. But after she died he started to drift, looking for anything that could be his. When his father called on him, Shinji was angry that the man that had so callously abandoned him, wanted to see him. Shinji saddened when he found out that all his father wanted was for him to pilot. He resigned himself to that fate." Hikari sighed as she looked over towards the boy, watching as he placed the last of the dishes in the proper place.
"Then why has he changed recently?" Misato asked "When you're around, he acts differently. More like he did when I first meet him."
"I don't know? He's been avoiding me the last few days. When I first came here, he looked at how my arms are…"
"I think he likes you." She told the younger girl. "I bet he thinks he's failed you and that's why he keeps avoiding you."
Hikari's cheeks warmed as she heard those words. Ever since she told her sister about him, Kodoma had been teasing her about him. At first, she was uncertain how to react to that, but as the seed that Misato had planted in her mind began to take root Hikari began to realize that it wasn't a bad idea. She could almost picture them together in her mind, even if they weren't boyfriend/girlfriend in a romantic sense. She'd have a new confidant and he'd have someone who didn't see him as a means to an end.
"Well it's almost time for me to get you back home. So let's grab Shinji and head out." Misato told her.
- - -
Soon the trio were making their way to the Horaki residence. Hikari was sitting in the front as Misato drove for the first time at a reasonable pace. The only sounds heard were those from the engine as it labored to move them along in the darkness. From her vantage point she could see Shinji as he quietly looked forward, his eyes piercing the night as if memorizing the route traveled. As she looked into his eyes, the tiny ember she saw in them earlier was still burning brightly.
Misato's words still echoed in her mind as she looked into Shinji's eyes. She could almost see how much he needed to be useful to someone, there was almost a silent sorrow buried in them. Hidden deep beneath the machine like glare and empty stare; given light only be that tiny ember that clung to its life and warmth against the cold emptiness around it. Waiting patiently as it searched for a purpose and reason to be; for someone or something to need him in some way.
Some part of her couldn't help but feel jealous of whomever or whatever he poured himself into. She'd seen how well Shinji preformed when he gave something his all and she couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to receive that kind of attention once in a while; remembering how passionate he could be when he applied himself to a task.
As they entered the housing block she lived in, she began to give more thought to taking a more active roll in interacting with Shinji. He seemed so much more alive as he prepared dinner, the way his eyes lite up as she enjoyed the meal he had prepared. How his eyes came alive when a happy sign escaped from within her as she tasted the first bite. How her cheeks burned when Misato told her that he liked her.
As the trio arrived at Hikari's residence, she wondered how her father would greet her when she walked through the door. He had no doubt of her sister's comments about being at her boyfriend's house. He had always been protective of his children like most fathers, but more so of his young girls. She wasn't sure how he'd react to meeting the boy since he no doubt believing that Hikari had been hiding the relationship.
As they reached her door, she saw her father waiting there for them. His hair was thinning as he creped closer to his fifties; it was graying around his ears and neck. A slight scowl was on his face as he watched them walking the last few meters. While she knew they were on time if not early, Hikari knew he was upset that she hadn't bothered to call and that he was no doubt worried.
As the group made there way inside, she listened as her father and commanding officer began talking. He once again asked Misato the questions he had asked her before, checking to see if the woman was covering up for his child. She sat down in one of the living room chairs, the mix of western and Japanese style furniture melded together nicely with the house.
It was somewhat larger then Shinji and Misato's and held a more elegant simplicity to it. Being both stylish and functional, yet having nearly no unnecessary objects that clashed with the simple design and setting that the room gave off. It was the same for the rest of Hikari's home; simple, graceful, and lively all at once. Giving those a sample view of the personalities of those who lived there.
As she sat there, basking in her thoughts. Hikari felt her older sister lean over her shoulder and whispered into her ear.
"Bringing him home to meet the family so soon," Kodoma teased. "You must really like him."
"It's... it's not like that. Misato and Shinji just wanted to make sure that I made home. That's all." Hikari answered back, blood filling her cheeks as she spoke.
"Hmm… perhaps," Kodama said, pausing a moment to move around to the other side of her sibling; her hot breath now washing over her sister's right ear as she continued "or perhaps not. Not that I blame you. He is rather handsome, maybe not as much as that ruffian Suzuhara, but a little more refined."
The elder Horaki watched as her sister's eyes locked on the boy; A wicked smile crossing her lips as she teased her younger sister some more. Oh how she loved play with her sister this way. Hanging a carrot in front her hungry eyes, watching as it tempted her sister cruelly. Enticing and teasing her till she couldn't stand it and acted. She knew that Hikari liked him, that she wanted to get closer to him. However, she knew that her sister was too shy to act on this. Well not without a little persuasion away.
"Hmm … to bad he's not a year or two older." Kodoma said, mock pouting "Otherwise I'd be tempted to go after him myself." Her grin grew she saw the hair on the back of her sister head rise. A sign she long ago recognized as a give away that she was making her sister jealous. "All that training, those long hours spent to strengthen and tone his body. He must look good enough to eat by now. Hmm… maybe I should go over there and introduce myself. He is a little young for me… but maybe I should go and…"
"No you won't!" Hikari interrupted, her face flushed as she turned to look her sister in the eye.
"Oh so your going to then? Well better hurry then, I don't know if I could wait and if I do, for how long." She replied looking into her sister's eyes seeing the fire in them. 'So predicable little sister' Kodoma thought.
Hikari turned just in time to see her father close the door as he let the pair out. She knew what her sister was trying to do and kicked herself because she knew it was working; the image of his toned flesh grasping at her mind with determination, despite her best efforts to push them away.
"Oh … he got away." She heard her sister say pouting.
Hikari could almost feel her blood begin to boil at the thought of the two together. Shinji was hers and she won't let her sister take him away. A shiver ran up her spine as she realized what she had just told herself. How jealous she got at the thought of her sister with Shinji.
Kodama watched as her sister went to her room, smiling a little as Hikari gave her one last looked before disappearing into that sanctuary; one that contained so much more than her words could have. 'He is kind of cute though.' She thought as she started to leave.
"Kodama." Her father began "It's not nice to tease your sister like that." He said, his voice carrying the displeasure he felt of them acting that way.
- - -
As Hikari lay down to sleep, the various images that had been implanted in her psyche started to come forward. Everything from Misato's teasing to her sister's implications filled her minds eye. As she tried to enshroud herself in sleep, they made their way to her subconscious mind before the darkness finally claimed her.
A/N - Hope your enjoyed this as much I did. I'd like to thank nick2951 for taking the time to pre-read and edit. His efforts have added a unique spice to this story. Till next time.