Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters therein, for which, I'm sure, there are many people rejoicing right now. I'm pretty sure, however, that 'pervert radar' is my own creation. . .

Summary: A (supposedly) humorous drabble. Iruka always knows when someone is thinking of him in a perverted manner. On days like today he really wishes he didn't.

Warnings: Crack. Some mildly explicit imagery. A little bit of yaoi and het mixed with a rather large amount of perverts, some more likely than others. Set in an indeterminate time after the two and a half year break.

Cyber-"Another idea that just hit me out of the blue. One of my worst faults, really. But perhaps it will prove amusing to someone so here it is."

Pervert Radar

Iruka grew up an ordinary ninja in a village with many families boasting special, and sometimes very unique, skills. When he was a child he had sometimes wished for a special skill of his own. Well. . .

He has discovered, in the years since, that he does have a rather unique skill. Sadly it is most useless for a ninja and quite embarrassing besides. Since he entered his teens he has gained the reputation of being shy and very easily flustered at random times for no obvious reason. He's also come to the conclusion that just about every ninja in Konoha is also a pervert.

The reason for his tendency to become flustered and his conclusion is simple. Iruka always knows when someone is thinking of him in a perverted manner. He can feel it, a tingle along his spine and a hot, flushed feeling in the pit of his stomach and a sudden, inexplicable urge to blush. Sometimes, in the presence of a particularly strong pervert he'll even get half formed images and sensations dancing along the back of his mind. He privately calls it his pervert radar.

Sometimes it is useful. Iruka knows who the worst perverts are and can avoid them. And. . . In the past he's used it to determine if a potential date was interested in him. Just a little brush on the edge of the radar means attraction and maybe a little imagining what he looks like underneath his clothes. It helped him loose his virginity.

But it also led him to Anko. She's a wonderful ninja and a beautiful woman but he should have known from the way she dresses and the strength of the brush on his radar that going out for drinks with her was a bad idea. Bondage is not his thing, especially when he's the one tied up, and truthfully she's just a little frightening. Especially when he's drunk and she's teasing his ass with the hilt of a katana wrapped in a lubed condom while he's tied, very efficiently Iruka remembers, to her bed. Can he be blamed for being skittish around her? Especially since her brushes on his radar are very, very strong now.

And on the whole it's a rather distracting ability. Because proximity isn't necessary for him to feel a brush on his radar, though it does help him discover who, he is aware of every time anyone in Konoha is thinking of him. And it happens at the worst times. In the middle of the night, when he's teaching a class, when he's helping hand out missions and take completed mission reports. He's often amazed that he can get any work done at all.

The worst, of course is days like today. On days like today he really wishes he didn't have this ability at all.

He was awoken in the early hours of the morning by an overwhelmingly strong brush, complete with images. Iruka knows he blushed from head to toe. His only consolation is that no one was around to see it. But it had taken him quite a while to get calmed down, and will his erection away. So he had ended up running late and eating breakfast on the go.

He'd bumped into Asuma and Kurenai, literally, on his way to Hokage tower. And managed to get the jam on his toast, one of his vices he admits, dribbled down his chin. And been immediately hit by a middle strength brush. The disturbing thing is that he can't place which one of them it was from, and somehow he suspects both, and really, they're dating now.

So, blushing and stuttering he'd apologized and ran the rest of the way to work. It went well, for about an hour and a half. And then Kakashi had shown up to turn in his mission report, a day late by the way and he hadn't been working there the day before. He's known for a long time that Kakashi is rather perverted. And it never fails that when Iruka is in Kakashi's presence he'll get a rather strong brush from the man. Today had been no exception.

Of course he'd blushed and been unable to meet Kakashi's eye and managed to make a complete fool of himself, again. And then, and he knows it's some how Kakashi's fault, his hair tie just snapped. And he'd been sitting at the table blushing and with his hair falling around his face. And he'd got hit with not one, not two, but three simultaneous brushes, two strong enough to have images. Kakashi he'd expected, and the image of himself in the shower with Kakashi devouring his throat and petting his hair was. . . But for Hokage-sama to do it too with the image of tickling her breasts with his hair, he'll have to try that with one of his dates sometime, and even his former student, Sakura! He knows he blushed as least as badly as that morning. And then. . . he'd passed out.

He'd woken up on the floor sometime later and had been immediately assaulted by the memories. In mortification he'd buried his face in his 'pillow,' and a second later discovered it was Kakashi's lap. It wouldn't have been too bad if Kakashi hadn't done it yet again! And the image. . . Him on his knees and, predictably, sucking Kakashi off but Kakashi had the gall to include another man taking him from behind. He has a sneaking suspicion it was Gai and his ass twinges at the thought. He's never been particularly good at bottoming, always sore for days afterwards, and Gai's jumpsuit shows that the man is. . . rather well endowed.

He'll probably never know what pathetic sound he made then but it was enough for Hokage-sama to order Kakashi to escort him home and to order him to remain in bed the rest of the day. He would have rather avoided Kakashi seeing his bedroom, more fuel for the perversion, and it took the man a half hour just to leave! But when Kakashi finally did leave he'd been able to have some tea to calm himself down and napped, pervert free, until lunch.

Orders or not he hadn't been about to miss his lunch with Naruto. They had ramen, what else, and things had gone remarkably well until the discussion turned to how Sakura had grown up while Naruto had been away. Naruto had started squirming uncomfortably and he noticed that the boy was developing an erection. He'd been more amused than anything else. That is until Naruto had squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, "Unsexy thoughts. . ."

Whatever Iruka had expected he certainly hadn't expected what happened next. To Naruto's credit, the boy hadn't either. For a moment, nothing, then Naruto had made a surprised, and dismayed, squeak. And he'd felt the brush against his radar, mild at least, but still from Naruto. But many times more disturbing than anything Kakashi has ever done to him because he's viewed Naruto as a little brother for quite a while.

The meal had ended with both of them rather flustered and he'd decided to go to work, even though he'd been ordered not to, in order to get his mind off things. But when he'd gotten to the academy building and was passing a little closet next to the teacher's lounge he'd felt another brush, this one moderately strong, against his radar. Coming from someone in the closet.

And curse his luck but there had been a thump and the door swung open. Revealing Tenten, who teaches students on their weapons work in between missions, and Neji. And they had been involved in some rather heavy petting; Tenten's hand had been down Neji's pants at the time. It hadn't been surprising that the brush had come from Neji, he'd felt very tiny ones from his former student before, but to fantasize about someone else while making out with a girlfriend. . . He'd embarrassed himself with a squawk and left as quickly as possible.

So. Officially one of the worst days in his recent memory. But at least the day is almost over and there's no way it can get any worse.

Iruka sighs and slips into the cool water. This secluded pool is one of his favorite spots to relax, even if he does have to share it with the occasional group of bikini wearing girls, and go for a nice swim in the summer. He swims a few laps across the deeper parts of the pool and allows himself to fume a bit. There are too many perverts in Konoha. And why do they all have to obsess over him? He's not even that attractive.

Well, the next pervert that he catches fantasizing about him will get a surprise. He's rather sick of things. So he's going to give whomever, and he really hopes it isn't Kakashi or Anko, their fantasy and catch them at it red handed. And maybe then at least one person will leave him alone! Iruka pauses. Ok, so he knows it isn't rational but he's entitled to be irrational once and a while!

And. . . Yet another brush against his radar, complete with the image of him, oh so slowly turning around in the water and pulling off his shorts. Coming from the bushes behind him. Iruka is turning around and complying with the vision before he can even place the pervert's identity.

And he can see the white haired man crouching in the bushes. . . And sporting the beginnings of a nosebleed. Jiraiya-sama. The one Naruto calls "Ero-sennin." And how correct that nickname is. Iruka whimpers and blushes from head to toe.

He hates his life.
. . .
. . .

Cyber-"Heh, hurray for crack. Hope everyone enjoyed it. Leave a review and give an opinion one way or the other please!"